Caleb's Christmas Wish

by Debra Salonen

  “What’s a puffer fish?” a voice asked.

  Allison leaned toward Jake so she could peer into the back. “Hey, you’re awake. It’s a very peculiar fish that blows up like a balloon when it’s afraid. Maybe we’ll see one at the aquarium.”

  “I’m embarrassed to admit this,” Allison said, “but in all the years I’ve lived in California, I’ve never been to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I went to one in New Orleans, though. It had a great gift shop.”

  “’Nawlins is my second favorite town. When were you there?” Jake asked. He could picture her on his arm, strolling among the vendors and artists in Jackson Square, then stopping by an outside café for coffee and beignets. He’d become quite addicted to the powdered sugar treat.

  “On my honeymoon.”

  "Oh.” Talk about a conversation killer. He didn’t like thinking about her ex-husband. The guy must have been an idiot. How could anyone expect Allison to give up her child without a fight? Jake might not have agreed with her decision, but he would have supported her choice.

  Even if it meant losing her? He didn’t want to think about that. He was going to lose her. And Caleb, too, once Cordelia was healthy enough to move home.

  Yep, before long, he’d be back in sunny Miami. Sand, surf, and a hole in his heart big enough to Rollerblade through.

  Caleb liked the tidal pool display best. The wall was low enough that he could look over and touch the water. Cold and kind of slippery feeling, he scooped up a palm full and started to lift it to his mouth when Allison stopped him. “It tastes like salt,” she said. “Take my word for it.”

  Jake, who was standing on the other side of him, laughed. “A little sip won’t kill him. I’ve swallowed gallons.”

  Caleb looked at Allison, who gave Jake a look Caleb’s mommy used to give his daddy lots of times.

  “Sweetie,” Allison said in a voice that told him she wasn’t mad at him, “do me a favor and go wash your hands. The rest room is right over there. Take Jake with you. It never hurts to be on your toes.”

  Caleb knew that wasn’t exactly what she meant. His mommy had taught him not to talk to strangers, and Caleb didn’t. But yesterday a whole bunch of strangers talked to him at his daddy’s car lot. And some of what they said made his stomach hurt. So later, when Jake said they should do some Christmas shopping for Ally, Caleb hadn’t wanted to go.

  “Caleb?” Allison said, looking at him. “Are you okay?”

  Before he could answer, a kid across the tank from him pointed excitedly and said, “Look, Mommy. That fish is dead.”

  Caleb craned his neck to see. The water was clear and it moved back and forth over the rocks, making the grassy stuff wave. Caleb couldn’t see what the kid was pointing at. Taking advantage of an opening in the crowd, he dashed through it and made his way around the pool, hoping to get a look at the dead fish.

  Dead. He’d heard that word a lot lately, but he didn’t completely understand what it meant. Maybe if he touched the fish...

  “Caleb.”

  Jake’s voice rose above the noise of the crowd, but Caleb ignored it. He squeezed around a lady and her kid—the boy he thought had pointed out the dead fish.

  The wall of the exhibit seemed higher here, and Caleb struggled to pull himself up on the edge. Excited and a little scared, he almost lost his balance, but a hand caught him.

  “Caleb, what—”

  Before Jake could finish talking, Allison grabbed Caleb by the tops of his arms and made him look at her. Her face was almost the same color as her shirt. “Don’t ever run away like that again. Do you hear me, young man?”

  Caleb nodded. Her voice was sharp, and her hands were tight on his arms. He squirmed, not from pain but because people were watching and he knew he’d done something he shouldn’t have. His mommy would have spanked him—even in public.

  Caleb started to explain that he’d only wanted to see what dead meant, but Jake spoke first. “Relax. He’s okay.”

  “Relax?” Allison repeated, her voice louder. “He could have been abducted. It only takes a few seconds for a child to disappear.”

  Caleb tensed. He didn’t like it when adults argued. His mommy and daddy used to argue sometimes and now they were gone. He looked at Allison. Her face was red. “He needs to understand that the world isn’t a safe place.”

  “You don’t think he knows that?” Jake asked.

  Allison didn’t answer. Instead, she dropped her hands and looked down. Caleb wanted to say he was sorry for running off and making Allison mad, but he was afraid to speak. What if she went away, too? The way his mommy did.

  Jake picked Caleb up. “There’s a movie about sea otters starting in ten minutes. Shall we go watch it?”

  Caleb’s heart was still beating too fast for him to answer. He looked at Allison. She gave him a pretend smile and said, “You two go ahead. I want to check out the Cannery Row display, which I’m sure wouldn’t interest Caleb in the least. Why don’t we meet by the gift shop in forty-five minutes?”

  Jake didn’t say anything at first, but then he nodded. “Okay.”

  She turned away and walked to the stairs. As soon as she was out of sight, Jake looked at Caleb and said, “Ally’s right, buddy. You scared us by running off. Promise me you won’t ever do that again.”

  Caleb felt tears form in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  Jake gave him a squeeze then set him on the floor. “I know you are. So, how ’bout we skip the movie and go shopping, instead? Christmas is only five days away, and I need to buy something for Allison.”

  Caleb frowned. Everybody was talking about Christmas, but it wasn’t the same without his mommy and daddy. His gramma was still sick in the hospital. And no decorations were up at his house, except for his wreath. Nothing was the same, and thinking about that made his tummy hurt.

  Jake ignored the looks from other parents as he led Caleb away from the tidal pool exhibit, but his gut was still churning. He’d never seen Allison react that strongly to anything, and it had unnerved him when she’d grabbed Caleb by the shoulders. Jake’s mother had been a screamer and she’d tended to get physical—very physical—with her eldest son.

  Allison’s reaction to Caleb running away wasn’t something Jake could just ignore, even if the little boy didn’t seem bothered by what had happened. Jake had always known his and Allison’s parenting styles were different, but he hadn’t expected her to freak-out so easily. Would her overprotective nature stifle Caleb in years to come? If Caleb rebelled, would she resort to a stinging backhand or verbal abuse to make him feel small and worthless?

  After a stop at the rest room to wash hands, he and Caleb walked to the glass-walled gift shop. “How ’bout those?” Caleb asked, pointing to a pair of mother-of-pearl earrings, which were in a case at his eye level. “They’re pretty. Like Ally.”

  Jake leaned over. Delicate. Unusual. And expensive. “Perfect choice, Caleb. I’m taking you with me every time I go shopping.”

  Caleb visibly perked up. “Really?”

  The clerk arrived, distracting Jake from Caleb’s odd response. What about that vow could make the boy look so cheerful? Was it the suggestion that Jake might be around in the future?

  Jake wasn’t sure what was going to happen. And after the episode by the tidal pool, he was even more conflicted. Being a single parent—even with Cordelia’s help—might be more than Allison could handle. But what choice did he have? He could try splitting his time between two coasts, but would a part-time dad be enough? Or did Jake need to seriously think about petitioning for sole custody? And what did any of this mean to the growing attraction he felt toward Allison?

  “How ’bout this for her, Jake?” Caleb asked, tugging on Jake’s sleeve. “I got money. I could buy it.”

  Jake examined the picture book on sharks—which would be a perfect gift for a four-year-old—and steered Caleb toward some inexpensive ankle bracelets that resembled colorful sunfish swimming in a circle. Their purchases were safely stowed in Caleb’
s backpack, which Jake was carrying, when Allison joined them.

  “So, when’s lunch? All this walking has made me hungry.”

  They’d booked a table at a popular spot overlooking the bay before heading to the aquarium. “Our reservation is in half an hour,” Jake said, surprised to see that Allison had apparently put the incident behind her. He wished he could.

  They were a block from the aquarium, when Jake said, “I think we need to talk about what happened.”

  Allison nodded. “I agree, but not now. See that sign?” She pointed to a sandwich-type billboard announcing Visit Santa—Today. “Why don’t Caleb and I meet you at the café? This might take a little while, and I know you have your heart set on sand dabs.”

  Her tone was pleasant but firm. The sunlight sparkled in her hair. She’d shed her sweater, which was tied at her waist. She looked surprisingly carefree for a woman who worried more than anyone he’d ever met.

  Feeling utterly confused—was it possible to love a person even if you didn’t think she was the right mother for your godson?—he addressed Caleb. “Do you promise to stick like glue to Allison, buddy?”

  The little boy nodded seriously.

  “Then, I’ll see you there.”

  As he walked away, the sounds of “Jingle Bells” piped over a loudspeaker made him cringe. He’d never felt more like a grinch.

  Allison loved the feeling of Caleb’s hand in hers. The sensation bordered on bliss. Why hadn’t Pam told her how special it was to walk with a child, knowing he trusted you completely?

  The only thing marring the moment was knowing that Jake undoubtedly regarded her as an over-reactive nut. Her panic by the tidal pool—and his somewhat cavalier attitude toward Caleb’s running away—had nearly ruined her morning. But this trip wasn’t about her. She’d vowed to make this a happy memory for Caleb and that’s what she intended to do. “Let’s hurry, honey. I hope the line isn’t too long.”

  Picking their way through the crowd inside the converted cannery that was now filled with shops and shoppers, it suddenly dawned on her that Caleb didn’t seem very enthusiastic about her idea. As they joined the line, she said, “Is something wrong? Don’t you want your picture taken with Santa Claus?”

  He wouldn’t look at her, but his head wagged from side-to-side.

  “Really? Why not? You look awfully cute today and we could give a copy to Grandma Cordelia to cheer her up. I bet Jake would like one, too.”

  Allison could see him hesitate. “Okay,” he said, with more enthusiasm than he’d shown before.

  Each step forward brought them closer to the elaborate Santa’s village, where a large elf played carols on an electric keyboard. They were about four spots away from the white picket fence when Allison realized Caleb was crying. Tears, no sniffles.

  “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

  The crowd noise was almost as loud as when they were at the preschool party. Caleb shook his head.

  “Oh, honey, something’s bothering you. Can’t you tell me?”

  He shook his head again. The furrow in his brow could have belonged to a very old man.

  The person behind them coughed, and Allison rose to move forward. She picked up Caleb. He dropped his head to her shoulder and put his arms around her neck. In a very tiny voice he said, “Santa’s not gonna come this year.”

  Not certain she’d heard him right, she pulled back slightly. “Sure he is, honey. Why wouldn’t he?”

  Caleb shook his head.

  Allison’s gut told her this was an issue that she couldn’t simply ignore. She motioned for the young girl in a sprite costume to come to her.

  “My little boy needs to use the bathroom. Can you save our place?”

  The girl smiled broadly. “Of course. We certainly wouldn’t want him to have an accident on Santa’s lap.”

  Several people chuckled and Allison quickly left the line. Instead of locating the rest rooms, she found an out-of-the-way spot where she and Caleb could face each other.

  “Okay, kiddo, fess up. What’s going on?” She’d heard Pam talk to her son like this before—frank and to the point. “Something is bothering you and I want to know what it is.”

  Caleb’s eyes went wide. He swallowed then said, “We don’t have a tree. How will Santa know where to put my presents?”

  Guilt overwhelmed Allison. How could she not have realized Caleb needed to see all the familiar decorations up? She’d been too busy to give that chore the attention Pam would have given it, but that was no excuse. “Jake and I are a little slow about some things, Caleb. You need to tell us when something is bothering you. How 'bout you and Jake go pick out a tree tomorrow? Then we'll all decorate it when I come home from work.”

  “Really?”

  “Absolutely. And you need to help Jake put up the outside lights. He doesn’t know where everything goes. If he doesn’t start soon, he could still be up on the roof when Santa comes.”

  Caleb smiled. “Okay. I’ll talk to Santa.”

  “And you’ll ask him for a present?”

  He nodded. “Maybe some new cars for my race set. Bradley broke one. And a dump truck. And a bike. And—” He paused, his lips moving back and forth as if working up the courage to say something else. She held her breath until he added in a near whisper, “I want him to make you and Jake stay with me forever and not go away like Mommy and Daddy.”

  Allison had to reach deep to keep from breaking down. She took his hand and started back to the North Pole. “That’s a long list, but you’ve been such a great kid, I’m sure Santa will do his best to fill it.”

  Caleb looked so full of hope. If there was a Santa, he’d be leaving a lump of coal in Allison’s stocking for lying. She planned to stay, but she couldn’t speak for Jake.

  Caleb probably wouldn’t believe in Santa after this Christmas, but what Allison found even more discouraging was he probably wouldn’t believe her again, either.

  Hours later, Allison nibbled on a hunk of sourdough bread as she stretched out on the patchwork quilt Jake had brought from the house. Allison and Pam had used the blanket many times when they’d taken Caleb to the park or the lake. Pam always kept it in a big beach bag, right beside the sand chairs and a mesh tote with Caleb’s toys in it.

  Their impromptu picnic had been a stroke of genius on Jake’s part. By the time Allison and Caleb had finished with Santa, they’d had to race to the restaurant. Jake had been pacing, but instead of being upset over their missed reservation, he suggested a stop at the deli so they could eat on the beach.

  Allison liked this idea much better. With Caleb on his hands and knees digging in the sand a few feet away, she and Jake might have a chance to talk about what was bothering him.

  Jake was helping with the elaborate sand castle. His sleeves and pant legs were rolled up, but both showed signs of encounters with waves.

  The hubbub that had surrounded them along Cannery Row was practically non-existent on this stretch of beach near Pacific Grove. Pedestrians strolled along the walkway above the cove. Several other families with small children were scattered around them. For the first time since her divorce, Allison felt at peace. She suddenly realized that the quiet, underlying yearning she’d felt for years was missing.

  But she knew she couldn’t put off this conversation any longer. “Jake,” she called. “Got a minute?”

  Jake brushed the sand from his pants and sat down on the quilt. “What’s up?”

  “I think we should talk about what happened at the aquarium.”

  “Fine. Can you tell me why you over-reacted?”

  “Is that what you think I did?”

  He nodded. “Caleb was never completely out of our sight. Well, maybe for a second or two, but you can’t keep a child his age on a leash.”

  Allison took a deep breath. “I agree, but the parenting books I’ve been reading stress that you need to impress on your child the importance of safety in a crowd situation. It only takes a second for a predator to swoop in and steal
a child. When Caleb melted into that group, I panicked.”

  He didn’t say anything.

  “Couldn’t we chalk it up to a rookie mistake and move on? Caleb seems to have forgiven me, how come you can’t?”

  Jake combed his fingers through his hair—a habit she’d seen before when he was nervous or uncomfortable. “I remember what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a parent who couldn’t control her feelings. My mother, when she lived with us, was always yelling and always very—physical. My brother was kinda fragile, so I usually got most of her attention when she was upset.”

  Allison closed her eyes, trying to block the image that sprang to mind. “And you think I’m that type of person?”

  “I don’t know. Are you? I hadn’t seen evidence of it before, but stress can do weird things to people. My mother seemed like a normal person most of the time, but when life got complicated—my brother was sick and colicky as a baby and my father drank too much—she’d snap.”

  Allison didn’t know what to say. She suddenly understood how her reaction this morning must have looked to him. And why he’d put this distance between them that hadn’t been there before.

  With tears in her eyes, she looked at the little boy digging in the sand. “I would never do anything to hurt Caleb. I love him with all my heart.”

  Jake made a rough sound. “My mother used to say that, too—right before she’d hit me so hard that sometimes my shorts would have blood on them. And then she’d complain about the stains.”

  Allison reached out to touch him, but Jake scrambled to his feet. “I’m sure you’re not the kind of person to intentionally hurt a child, Ally, but I also know that sometimes people can’t handle all the demands that are made of them. You have a lot going on in your life right now, and that makes me nervous for Caleb’s sake. And, frankly, I don’t know what to do about it.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I think he might be better off with me. In Florida.”

  Allison’s mouth dropped open. “Are you out of your mind? You can’t take him away from here—his home, his grandmother, his life.” She stood up, too. “I didn’t grab him and shake him like a rag doll. I took his shoulders between my hands—” She demonstrated by doing the same thing to Jake. “To make him look at me.”