It was so amazing seeing my son and holding him again. Those first few moments of being with him filled me with the most overwhelming sense of exhilaration. I felt intoxicated with joy. We clung to each other and neither of us wanted to let go. It was such a special feeling. I was really happy to see my mum and Aaron, too, although I was worried about hugging Aaron because I stank so much. I just wanted us all to go back to the hotel and spend some proper time together. It was such a relief being out of the jungle and back with the people I loved most in the world.
That night, the wrap party was held in some club in Brisbane. I went in and headed straight for the pool table! As I was standing there with my pool cue in my hand, a wave of exhaustion swept over me. I was happy, but I was also really tired – I didn’t even register that I was out of the jungle. One man came over and said, ‘Hi, you won’t know me, but I know you. I’m the man with a camera in the rock, and I’ve been filming you from nine until two every day.’ It was so funny.
Every single crew member was so nice to me it made me want to cry. They all came up and said, ‘Hello, I think you’re wonderful.’ What a lovely thing to say!
We flew home the next day at eight in the morning, and my dad, sister, brother and stepsister met us at the airport. I didn’t expect them to be there for one second, so it was a really fantastic surprise. My dad, bless him, feels like he’s never in the picture, because I always take my mum everywhere, so he felt like he’d missed out. I’d missed him so much while I was in the jungle, and all I wanted to do was see him and talk about it all. Oh, Dad, I really needed you! I thought as we hugged each other. It was so great to be home with all the family.
Chapter 18
‘Hey, where are you going?’ I asked my tour manager and manager. ‘This isn’t the way to my house!’
‘The road’s closed, so we have to go this way,’ they said.
‘What do you mean? It can’t be closed. We came on that road.’ I was really puzzled.
‘They’re doing night road works,’ they said.
I knew they were lying, but why? It didn’t make any sense to me. I started having a meltdown. What if they were kidnapping me? It was a ridiculous idea, but what was going on? I looked out of the window. ‘We’re heading for Loughton! Why are we going there?’ I asked frantically. ‘We’re nowhere near my house!’
‘It’s a really long diversion,’ they said. They were laughing now, but I was close to tears.
Things just hadn’t seemed right since they’d hustled me out of the gig I’d just done in Chelmsford. I hate rushing at the end of a gig. I think that when people pay you to come and sing for them, it’s right to spend some time talking to them afterwards, saying thanks and that you hope they had a good time. But my managers were insistent about leaving, and there was nothing I could do.
Then my friend rang me. ‘Are you coming down the pub?’ she asked.
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I’ll make it just in time for last orders.’
But on our way back, we’d taken a turning that took us in the opposite direction to Dagenham and now we were heading for Loughton.
My phone rang again. It was my sister. ‘Will you pick me up from work?’ she asked. She works nights at a country club in Loughton to help pay her way through university.
I was crying now. ‘Well I might as well, because I’m halfway to Loughton now,’ I said.
The guys seemed quite happy to pick up Jemma. I told them where to go and we drew up outside the country club. As we sat in the car, waiting for her to come out, I looked at my watch and realized I’d never make it to the pub for last orders. It was so frustrating. Then Jemma’s bar manager came out to the car. ‘Sorry, she’s not finished yet,’ she said.
‘Are you joking?’ I said. I was close to boiling point now. ‘I didn’t come all the way down here to wait for her to finish work. I’ve missed last orders at the pub already; I’ve missed going out with all my friends. I don’t want to be here!’
‘Well, go in and get her, then,’ she said.
‘No, I’m not going in there. I’m not getting out of the car.’
‘Go on,’ she said. ‘She ain’t going to come otherwise.’
I got out of the car in a right strop. I don’t want to go in there, I thought. I was really annoyed. Eventually, though, I went inside, where I was directed to one of the function rooms.
‘She’s just through there,’ a waiter told me, pointing to a pair of double doors.
I pushed through the doors at top speed. I was going to find her and drag her to the car. But then I stopped in my tracks. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The room was packed with people I knew. I did a double take. I’m not joking; every single member of my family, Aaron’s friends and every one of my friends, from my first school to the last, was in this massive room. Suddenly everyone cheered. ‘Here she is! At last!’
It was a huge surprise. I had no idea, not the slightest hint or clue that it was coming. I was genuinely annoyed with Jemma as I stomped through the country club looking for her. But my frustration melted away as soon as I saw what she’d done for me. She’d organized the whole thing single-handedly and it was the best party I’ve ever been to.
Jemma did a press interview on my behalf while I was in the jungle, and she spent the little bit of money she was paid for it on my welcome-home party. It was so good of her. I couldn’t believe what she’d done. The party even had a jungle theme: there were jungle cupcakes covered in green glitter and a chocolate fountain with lion- and tiger-shaped sweets and biscuits to dip in it. Jemma set up a bushtucker trial and pulled five of the guests up to eat fish eyes and guts and other disgusting stuff she’d bought from the butcher and fishmonger. ‘If Stacey can do it, everyone can do it!’ she said. And they all did. My friends Jordan, Frank and Dana, and Aaron’s mum and his sister all ate fish eyes.
I was overwhelmed that Jemma had arranged the whole party herself. She’s so special, my sister, the best sister in the world, and I love her with all my heart. It’s so funny to think of how much we used to argue. We literally hated each other as children, but now we’d do anything for each other and I just think she’s amazing.
Thankfully, she gave me enough time to get over my jet lag and exhaustion before she threw the party. When I arrived home from Australia on 7 December, I needed a bit of a rest. I did a photo shoot for Heat magazine, then had the rest of the month off, thank God.
I wanted to spend lots of time with Zach after being away so long. He was a little bit clingy with me when we first got home. Every time I went out, even if it was just to get a pint of milk, he’d say, ‘Are you coming back?’
He’d never worried about that sort of thing before. I used to say, ‘See ya,’ and he’d yell, ‘Yeah, bye, Mum! Go away!’ But after four weeks apart, he didn’t want to let me out of his sight. It made me feel a bit tearful when I walked out the door. I’d sniffle a bit and tears would prick my eyes, because I felt guilty that I’d left him for a month. On the other hand, it made me feel wanted, which I quite liked. It didn’t take him long to get used to having me around again, though.
I had been thinking long and hard about my future. I couldn’t be absolutely certain, but I was fairly sure that I would have been dropped by my management company if I hadn’t been asked to appear on I’m a Celebrity. Maybe it’s time to move on, anyway, I thought. Perhaps a change would be good for me.
On Christmas Eve, I decided to look around and see what my options were. I was made aware of Max Clifford and knew of his success with people like Simon Cowell. I contacted Max’s office and made an appointment to see him. I spoke at length to Max and Denise Palmer-Davies from his office, both of whom I instantly liked and found they understood my thoughts and feelings for the future.
I threw myself into Christmas after that. It was the first year that Zach properly understood what it was all about, so we had the best fun leaving carrots out for the reindeer and mince pies for Santa. Zach had already met Santa five times at all the different
grottos I’d taken him to, so he was incredibly excited when it came to Christmas Eve. Like children all over the country, he tried to keep himself awake for Santa’s visit, but in the end he fell asleep and missed him! When he woke up to find a stocking at the end of his bed, he was beside himself with delight. It was so sweet. I loved it so much. We both did.
Unlike the year before, this Christmas I had some money, so I could splash out and make it really special. I bought my mum a laptop; I got my dad tickets to see Arsenal; I bought Jemma a new nurse’s watch; I put money into an account for Zach and I paid for my brother to do a crash course in driving.
I also said that I’d take the whole family to Israel in September. Well, you only live once, don’t you? Me, Zach, my mum, my dad, my stepmum, my sister and her boyfriend Lee, my brother, my stepbrother and sisters, my little brother Josh and Aaron are all going to Israel. I can’t wait for that holiday!
Best of all, on Christmas Day I gave Zach a stegosaurus robot the size of a Labrador. He can sit on it! It moves around and roars and he can feed it leaves.
He wasn’t quite sure about it at first. When he opened it and we turned it on, he ran away. ‘No! It’s scary!’ he cried. It took him a little while to get used to it, but once he’d seen us all having a go, he started to edge closer and finally said, ‘I want a go.’ Now he won’t leave it alone.
I had some lovely texts on Christmas Day. My phone was beeping with messages from friends all day, including my X Factor and I’m a Celebrity mates. Even Jedward texted me to say, ‘Merry Christmas, love you!’ They’re so nice. I wish I could see more of them, but they’re always off doing stuff in Ireland.
I had a long think over Christmas, spoke to the top people at my management company and decided to make the move to Max Clifford. Now it feels like everything is happening how I want it to happen. I can be hands-on when it comes to making decisions about my career. Since then, a lot of things have been happening to me very quickly with regards to TV, music and promotional activities, and the good thing is I’m right in the middle of it and know exactly what’s going on. Max Clifford Associates is a very friendly agency and I feel really relaxed there, so I’m totally happy.
Brilliantly, I’ve been going into the studio to write my own music, the way I want to do it. I’ve always wanted to write and sing songs based on my own experiences. I’m a big fan of Lily Allen and Kate Nash, as well as loads of other random artists that no one would ever associate me with because it never came across on The X Factor. Back in 2009, I didn’t know what I wanted, what I was into or who I wanted to be as an artist. Now I know I’d like to make a nice, chilled-out record about my life. I want to sing in my own style, and speak honestly about my experiences and everything I’ve been through. I love the way Kate Nash and Lily Allen write about the things that every girl goes through. When I listen to them, I think, I know what that feels like! I’ve felt like that before.
I want to write songs that make people go, ‘Oh yeah! I know what it’s like to feel that way,’ and ‘I love that feeling’ and ‘I hate that feeling’.
When I look back at all the things that have happened to me in my short twenty-one-year life, I think, Wow, how have I done all of that? I’ve given birth, been on The X Factor, toured the country, done I’m a Celebrity and met a fantastic boyfriend. It’s amazing! I’ve only been on the earth for ten minutes; I don’t know how I’ve done it all.
I have so much to write about! I have so many experiences and feelings to put down into my songs. The words really flow when I’m in the studio and I’m having the best time ever, being creative and working on my album. It’s the most exciting thing! These days, I’m always writing down my thoughts in a notebook and on scraps of paper. I’ve always been interested in hidden meanings within poems and songs, and how you can write about things without making them explicit. Now I’m playing around and experimenting for myself.
I’d like a career in TV as well as in music and I’m in talks about a presenting contract at the moment, so we’ll see what happens. There’s so much I want to do, but I guess I’ll try to take things one at a time, even though I know it won’t be possible, because I like doing lots of things all at once. I love being busy.
It was great winning I’m a Celebrity, because I realized that people like me, which is a really good feeling. Knowing that people are behind you, supporting you, is the nicest feeling in the world. It’s overwhelming to think that people want me to do well. It gives me a real sense of security.
I can’t believe how lucky I am. Everything has gone so well for me and I’m so fortunate. I’ve got the best family and friends and network of people around me – and I never want to die. I want it to last for ever! When I look back and think about the ups and downs I’ve been through, it’s hard to believe I’ve got to where I am today. I never thought everything would work out for me the way it has.
It hasn’t always been a smooth ride, of course. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out between me and Zach’s dad, probably because we were so young. I’m sad about that, because it means Zach hasn’t got the nuclear family everyone dreams of, but Zach has a mum and a dad and that’s all he needs. We both love him very much.
Dean gave me half of what is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, so I’ll always care about him and I’ll always thank him for that. Dean will always be Zach’s dad and he’s an amazing father. He loves Zach with all his heart and sees a lot of him, which is fantastic. It makes me so happy that Zach has a good relationship with his father. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
To think there was a time when I thought that life had nothing to offer me, when I was at the very lowest I could have been, feeling hopeless and full of despair. And now I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. It just shows you how you must never lose hope, because your life can turn around at any time. There’s a light at the end of every tunnel and you must never stop believing.
All I know is that if you’re positive and you work really, really hard and believe in everything you do, you can’t go wrong. Whether you get what you want at twenty-one or 101, you can’t go wrong if you work hard and stay positive, because you’ll always be happy. And if you have dreams, remember that no one can stop you from fulfilling them, apart from you.
I always wanted my life to be a fairy tale, ever since I was really young. ‘I’m going to be a princess,’ I used to tell my mum. ‘I’m going to be a singer.’ That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I still believe in fairy tales and I watch them to this day. I’m the biggest kid you’ll ever meet in the whole wide world. Of course, not everything has worked out exactly like a Disney movie and I wouldn’t expect it to, but I want my life to be as close to a fairy tale as possible and I’ll do all I can to make it that way.
In January 2011, I was driving along in Grays when I passed a house with a ‘For Sale’ sign outside. I stopped the car and took another look. It was a big white detached nineteenth-century house with a vine hanging over the porch. That’s such a pretty house, I thought. I really want to go in and see. So I knocked on the door and the owners let me in to have a look.
I fell in love with it the moment I stepped inside. There’s plenty of room for all of us; Zach can have a bedroom and a playroom and there’s a big garden for him to play in. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted for him. Zach can be happy and settled here, I thought. He can have his friends round and have his birthday parties here. He can have a paddling pool in the garden.
My dream is to make a loving, welcoming home, always full of people, with delicious smells coming out of the kitchen. I really enjoy cooking and I want to learn how to do it well. At the moment, I only cook stuff like spaghetti bolognese and shepherd’s pie, nice easy things that I know everyone eats. But since my favourite dish is curry, I’m going to get going on the curry front, too, now that I’ve got my own kitchen. I can’t wait, to be honest.
I hope I’ll end up having a massive family in my lovely home. I want my mum to live with me, too. I need m
y mum. I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s the one person I can rely on every single day. She’s my rock. I know it sounds cheesy, but she’s always there when I need her. If I get scared, I still have to come home and sleep in my mum’s bed. She’s my safe place. As long as she’s near me, I feel protected and out of harm’s way. I love her so much.
My dad is the best dad, too. He’s incredibly supportive of me, and he’s taught me so much. His enthusiasm and love for life have always inspired me. I haven’t always been the best daughter, but he has never stopped loving me and I’ve always known that I could rely on him 100 per cent. What more could I ask for?
I sometimes wonder if it’s hard for Aaron, because he’s moving into my house, with my kid. When I think about how young he was when I met him, I realize what a big thing it is for him to be lumbered with me and Zach. He wasn’t even a little bit into the idea of having a child when I met him and he’s only twenty-two now, but he never moans and he dotes on Zach, so he must be happy about it. He’s very content doing what he does; he’s fulfilled in his job and in his life, so he doesn’t need to be Mr Sole Breadwinner. We’re happy, me, Aaron and Zach, and now we’re moving in together, like a proper family. What a long way we’ve come.
I’ll never forget that I’m only who I am and where I am because of where I come from, because of Mum, Dad, Jemma, Matthew, Zachary, Joshua, Karen and the extended family. I’m talking about my dad’s family, my mum’s family and all my friends who have been there for me since the very beginning: I wouldn’t be the person I am without them.
Stacey: My Story So Far Page 25