Bird Dog (Confessions of a Chick Magnet Book 4)

by Jenny Gardiner

  He nodded. “I’m looking for a kitten for my mom’s birthday,” he said.

  “Oh, fun. Kittens are the best. Has your mom kept a cat before?”

  He shook his head. “Actually, no. My father passed away last year and he would never let her have a cat and she always kind of wanted one.”

  “So sorry about your dad.” She frowned. “I bet your mom could use the companionship.”

  “To be honest, my father was a bit of a tyrant with her—he was a very old-school dominant male. Surprisingly, Mom’s had a bit of a renaissance since he died. She’s got a bit of a kick in her step and she’s just been happier than I’ve seen her in years.”

  “Wow,” Coco said. “I don’t know if that is sad or joyful. I guess the latter.”

  “Not gonna lie. I’m pretty jazzed to see her so much happier,” he said. “I mean I respected my dad, who was a hard-working rancher, but he wasn’t a warm, fuzzy kinda guy. He had a hot temper and short fuse and my brother and I learned long ago it was best to avoid him altogether. We both got out of town as soon as we could and never looked back. Poor Mom didn’t have that choice.”

  “But you’re back now?”

  “I’ve been telecommuting since I came back to help my mother settle dad’s affairs, sell off the ranch and all of the assets that went with that. It was too hard to do that long-distance. Plus, I’d been living in L.A. for a while but was kind of tired of the traffic and the whole scene, so it’s been okay being back in the area. I grew up in in Grundy, about an hour away from here, but we sold the ranch and I helped my mom get settled in a retirement community outside of town here—I figured there is much more for her to do in Bristol than in dinky little Grundy. There’s barely a traffic light in the town.”

  “Well, I’m a new returnee as well, so it’s nice to see someone else who got stuck returning home.” She rolled her eyes.

  “What’re you in for?”

  She laughed. “Right? Like a prison sentence. Only not really. I’m glad to be back. Grew up here. I, too, was in L.A. for a while and it just turned out it wasn’t for me. Happy working with animals of the four-legged variety versus the type of predatory animals I dealt with in the entertainment industry.”

  “Can I apologize on behalf of the asshole men who did that?”

  “Nice of you to offer but not yours to apologize for them.” She smiled. “So before I take you back to the kittens, I have an idea,” she said, holding up a finger. If she were to be honest with herself, maybe this felt a bit dishonest because, well, the guy was getting his mama a kitten after all. But why not a cute little pink-and-black spotted pig? She led him over to the makeshift pen they’d set up in the kennel area just for Oink. “This here’s our newest addition to the clinic,” she said, scooping up the tiny piglet and kissing her right on the snout. “I call her Oink. Someone left her in the mailbox, if you can believe it. I like to say she was a special delivery for the day.”

  He knit his brow. “Someone dropped a pig in the mailbox?”

  She nodded her head. “People suck sometimes. But now she’s here and I’ve got to find a home for her before she goes on the chopping block.”

  His eyes grew wide. “Seriously?”

  Coco dragged her fingers across her throat, sticking out her tongue. “Can’t even say she’d be destined to become bacon cause she’s too little.”

  “Well that’s just heartbreaking.” He frowned. “Except I’m here for a kitten.”

  “Did you ever think that a cat might be a bad idea? After all, cats live a really long time. You mom might be too old to care for her eventually. We had a cat that lived to be twenty-four years old!”

  He scratched his chin. “Huh... My mom would be into her eighties by then.”

  “And this cute little piglet would be the perfect alternative to a cat. Just think, no dander to stir up allergies. Have you ever been around cat fur?” She started scratching at her skin dramatically.

  “It’s true, cat fur makes me itch like crazy. But it’s for her, not me—I figured cats are low-maintenance. Don’t you just get a litter box and be done with it with a cat?”

  “You can train this little porker with a litter box just as easily. And look at this little face.” She hoisted the piglet up to his eye level. “Plus, if you need anyone to help watch Oink I’ll be happy to pitch in every now and then.”

  “A pet pig seems crazy. But my immune system would be happier.”

  “I hear it’s the worst, the itchy eyes, scratchy skin.”

  “And I get so stuffed up I can barely breathe.”

  “I never heard of anyone being allergic to one of these little babies.”

  He pursed his lips. “I’m just not sure. I mean, a pig?”

  “Tell you what—if you have any issues, I’ll take her back. But I’m pretty sure you’ll absolutely adore her.”

  “And look at this baby.” The piglet batted her eyelashes at him as if on cue.

  He heaved a sigh. “Oh, hell, why not. Mom’s already turned over a new leaf and gone for the unconventional. A pig would totally fit her new life philosophy.”

  She scratched her number on a sheet of paper and handed it to him. “Call me if Oink gives you any problems.”

  COCO DECIDED SHE DESERVED a hike after the successful re-homing of the piglet. She was overjoyed it wasn’t going to be on her shoulders that the poor baby would be put-down for lack of an appropriate home.

  As she closed up the shop, she called her friend Emma, who worked as an accountant in the next town over.

  “Dude. Hike. Now.”

  “Awww, wish I could,” her friend said. “I’ve got to stay late to finish up a few things, so no can do.”

  “What fun are you? All work and no play makes Emma—”

  “Makes Emma an accountant.”

  “Good point,” Coco said. “Although I’m proud of you for having a real job, unlike some of us who can’t count past our ten fingers and are instead relegated to changing cat litter boxes by the dozens and giving dogs flea baths.”

  “But you’re nourishing your soul, so there’s that. Tell you what—meet you for drinks on the rooftop at Harry’s after your hike at nine o’clock?”

  “That would be perfect. I need to be around humans and beer, badly. Plus, I can tell you all about the new home I found for the cute piglet, so mission accomplished for the day.”

  “That pig you texted me the picture of? You already found a home for him?”

  “Yes, to this super cute guy who came in today.”

  “Huh. I never pictured the forever home for a piglet to be with a hot guy.”

  “Like only ugly guys take in pigs?”

  “I dunno. I mean what would a young dude want with a pig?”

  “Chick magnet?”

  “News flash: pigs are not puppies.”

  “Oink’s the next best thing.”

  “You are super weird, you know that? But really, does the guy know it’s not going to stay tiny?”

  “What do you mean? It’s a teacup pig.”

  Her friend laughed. “That doesn’t mean it remains the size of a teacup. They grow up to be pigs.”

  “Seriously? Like big pigs?”

  “I read something online one time that people buy them cause they’re tiny and cute only to discover they don’t stay that size and then they unload them.”

  “On adoption clinics.”

  “Yup.”

  “Oh shit. Like how big is big?”

  “I think like three hundred pounds.”

  “No! That can’t be.”

  “Google it if you don’t believe me.”

  “Crap. I need to tell this guy before he gives it to his mother and she falls in love with it. But if I don’t get out hiking now, I’ll lose daylight. I’ll call him first thing morning and let him know he needs to bring it back to me. I feel awful.”

  “Definitely let him know! Before he gets attached to the thing.”

  “Fine. I’m on it. Meantime see you a
t Harry’s. If I’m not there by nine, send out the rescue squad because it’ll mean the grizzlies got me.”

  “Nothing to joke about, Coco.”

  “Oh, please. I’ve been hiking in these woods for most of my life. Has a bear killed me yet?”

  “there’s always a first.”

  “Order me a beer and I’ll see you at nine.”

  “Where are you going to be hiking?”

  “Up near the ski resort. Gonna pick some berries and enjoy them while watching the sunset.”

  “Have fun! Be safe. Bring your bear spray!”

  COCO LACED UP HER HIKING boots and hit the trail in the hopes of being up and back before dark. Luckily at this time of year night fell pretty late, so she’d have plenty of time. After she parked at the trailhead, she tossed her phone onto the driver’s seat—no need to have that along since there was no cell service anyhow. She took a swig of her water bottle and tossed that back into the car, too—she just didn’t want to lug anything extra because she was hoping she’d be able to collect huckleberries along the trails and worried the bottle might crush the delicate fruit if it banged up against the berry bag. And it was a warm enough day she dispensed with her sweatshirt as well. She did carry her bear spray, because, well, bears.

  She started at the trailhead but soon began following some smaller offshoots from the trail in search of the elusive berries. She was in competition with grizzlies for the things and they tended to snarf them up for themselves far too often, not that she could blame them. But if she found enough of the delectable berries, maybe she could make a huckleberry pie and bring it out to her mom for dessert tomorrow.

  Pretty soon she’d filled her bag with the juicy berries and decided she’d better find her way back onto the trail if she wanted to get to the top in time to see the sunset. But when she started to retrace her steps, she got disoriented. She’d gone off-piste, which meant there were no trail markers, so she tried to see where her feet had recently compressed the overgrowth on the forest floor, but for the life of her she couldn’t tell which way she’d come from. She tried to walk toward the brightness in one direction, figuring she’d reach a clearing, but instead she found herself deeper into the woods without a clue.

  She was no rookie when it came to hiking, though, and she knew to keep her wits about her and not panic. She’d be fine. She had plenty of berries and she’d find her way out in no time. Except that soon dusk was descending, and the forest grew darker and she thought the “don’t panic” mantra was complete bullshit because with the setting sun, a chill soon settled over the forest, and she was alone with no sense of direction and no water and no warm clothing and nothing to eat but a bucket of berries, which she should’ve been dropping along the way like Hansel and Gretel with the popcorn. Now she just better hope she didn’t happen upon an old woman who wanted to pop her into an oven. Or worse, a Grizzly with a hankering for huckleberry pie.

  Chapter Two

  Elliott Barbour was no sooner out the door and driving down Main Street with a pet pig than he realized he was a damned fool for being talked into adopting a pig, of all things, for his mother. She was going to flip out over it, and not in a good way. Nothing like a little bit of buyer’s remorse to kick in when you’re bringing home a porcine pet for your unsuspecting widowed mom. He needed to rethink this. Clearly this was a dick-driven decision—after all, seeing that beautiful blonde chick toying with her hair when he walked in had set him on a path to make choices based on how hot she was, not on how appropriate (or inappropriate, as the case may be) the adopted animal in question might be.

  He felt certain that if he’d entered the animal clinic and a seventy-year old bald man with missing teeth had tried to dupe him into a pig, he’d have told him no without a second thought. But the way that woman made that kissy-face with the piglet, it was just so damned adorable. He’d always been a sucker for a girl who loved animals, ever since he was a little kid and his father’s farmhand Delilah would teach him about the animals on the ranch. Delilah was the perfect antidote to his cold father, and he learned plenty about farm-living from her that he’d never absorb from his crotchety dad.

  But this took the cake. Bringing home a pig—a pig!!—when he went in for a kitten, all because he was so easily led around by his dick. He needed to reevaluate his priorities. Or maybe he needed to get laid, because it had been a while, at least since he’d moved back full-time to Montana. If all it took was a pretty blonde to lure him into bringing home an unwanted pig, then clearly he needed to rethink things a bit.

  He checked his watch and realized the place would be closed. He wasn’t going to be able to do anything about the piglet tonight. He figured he’d bring it home, try it on for size with his mother, then more than likely make the call to the woman at the adoption center first thing in the morning that he was bringing the thing back. He felt bad about it—he didn’t want to see this poor creature’s life cut short through no fault of her own, but he also couldn’t carry that burden. A damned pig! He scrubbed his fingers through his hair. What the hell had he been thinking?

  WITH OINK IN THE SMALL puppy crate he’d picked up at a pet store outside of town, he entered his mom’s place through the back door, slamming the screen porch as he walked inside her brand new townhouse.

  “Elliott? That you?” his mom called from upstairs.

  “Ma—come on down. I’ve got a little surprise for you.”

  The more he pondered this the more he knew this was the stupidest idea he’d come up with in years. He heard her footsteps as she padded downstairs. He pulled Oink out of the crate and held her up under his chin, her face pointing toward the kitchen entry way. His mother knit her brows as she walked into the room.

  “What the heck are you holding a piglet for?”

  “Her name’s Oink. It’s a surprise—your new roommate!”

  His mom rubbed her brown eyes with her fists, then blinked hard, opening them wide.

  “Mom? Everything okay?”

  She shrugged, “I was just closing my eyes to be sure this wasn’t my imagination. Because I couldn’t imagine there would be a way that my son would show up with a pig for me.”

  Elliott reached his arms out for her to take the pig from his hands. She shook her head.

  “Ma—just give her a chance. Look at how cute she is.” He lifted the piglet up alongside his cheek, like they were a match set.

  “Uh, I lived on a farm for a long, damned time and I am a hundred percent over dealing with farm animals, thanks. Granted we never kept a pig, but I have zero interest in doing that now.” She gave first the pig then her son a little affectionate head-scratch. “I know you really can’t be serious, right? This is a big joke?”

  “No, it’s not a joke. My plan was to find a kitten for you—I know how much you always wanted an indoor cat but Dad would never let you keep one—and somehow I came out with a piglet.”

  His mother burst out into laughter that made her graying bob shake. “Oh, honey. I’m afraid to ask, but was it possibly a really cute woman who talked you into a pig instead?”

  He furrowed his brow. “Maybe.”

  She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Perhaps that’s a sign that you need to branch out and get away from your old mom and find some companionship closer to your age.” She gave him a hug. “I appreciate the kind gesture. I know it’s the thought that counts. And yeah, I might be more inclined toward a kitten than a farm animal, so if there’s a chance of swapping it out, I’m game.”

  Elliott shrugged, then tucked the piglet underneath his armpit. So much for his brilliant surprise.

  He pulled out the sheet of paper with the gal’s number and decided to give the adoption woman a call to set in motion the return of little Oink, but his call went straight to voice mail. Oh well, looked like he was stuck with the pig till morning. After a late dinner and an hour of trying to calm down a squealing pig, he finally retired for the night, ready for a good sleep.

  But somewhere around midni
ght he got a call from the team leader of a rescue group he was involved with that some woman had gone missing from a late-day hike, and he was needed to help spearhead an attempt to find her in the wooded, mountainous terrain.

  Even though it was summertime, it could get cold at night, and beyond the hazards of freezing in the wilderness came the danger of grizzlies, mountain lions and other predators. He loaded the pig—now squealing yet again—into the crate and headed toward the rescue command center at the fire station to start assembling a search and rescue team in the hopes that they could get this lady back in a matter of hours. The pig was just going to have to come along for the ride.

  Lady Killer

  Available November 26, 2019

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  About the Author

  Jenny Gardiner is the author of #1 Kindle Bestseller Slim to None and the award-winning novel Sleeping with Ward Cleaver. Her latest works are the It’s Reigning Men series, the Royal Romeos series, the Falling for Mr. Wrong series and her new Confessions of a Chick Magnet series. She also published the memoir Winging It: A Memoir of Caring for a Vengeful Parrot Who's Determined to Kill Me, now re-titled Bite Me: a Parrot, a Family and a Whole Lot of Flesh Wounds; the novels Anywhere but Here; Where the Heart Is; the essay collection Naked Man on Main Street, and Accidentally on Purpose and Compromising Positions (writing as Erin Delany); and is a contributor to the humorous dog anthology I'm Not the Biggest Bitch in This Relationship.

  Her work has been found in Ladies Home Journal, the Washington Post, Marie-Claire.com, and on NPR’s Day to Day. She was also a columnist for Charlottesville’s Daily Progress for over a decade, and is the Volunteer Coordinator for the Virginia Film Festival.

  She has worked as a professional photographer, an orthodontic assistant (learning quite readily that she was not cut out for a career in polyester), a waitress (probably her highest-paying job), a TV reporter, a pre-obituary writer, as well as a publicist to a United States Senator (where she first learned to write fiction). She's photographed Prince Charles (and her assistant husband got him to chuckle!), Elizabeth Taylor, and the president of Uganda. She and her family and menagerie of pets now live a less exotic life in Virginia.