Crave the Darkness: A Shaede Assassin Novel

by amanda bonilla

  Of course, they did. But I didn’t blame them for suggesting it. It had been my motivation for accepting Xander’s invitation so quickly. I needed to be away from anything that reminded me of Tyler until I could get my head on straight. “Well, you got your wish. Here I am. Now we can be one big, happy family.”

  Raif rolled a piece of pasta around his plate with his fork. “He’s arrogant, I know. And an ass more times than not. He’s stubborn, opinionated, and spoiled. Demanding to a fault. Which is why you need to be very careful. He is nothing if not opportunistic.”

  He being Xander. I so did not want to have this conversation. “I don’t care what he thinks or feels. Tyler’s coming home.”

  “I know he told you that. But what if—”

  “I love him. He loves me. He’s coming back. End of discussion.”

  Raif did the smart thing and kept the rest of his opinions to himself. If I was going to stay here—and I was—the subject of Tyler was not open for discussion. He was coming back. He’d promised. And Tyler never disappoints.

  * * *

  Once Raif and Xander managed to get me out of my apartment, they made it their mission to ensure that I stayed out. Someone packed up most of my clothes and a few other personal items and had it all unpacked and organized in one of Xander’s guest suites before I’d even finished lunch (and a second helping).

  “I’m going to have to go back eventually,” I remarked as I stuck my head into the doorway of the suite I’d be occupying until Xander was assured of Anya’s safety.

  “Eventually,” Raif said. “Not now.”

  “My place is wide open. No security. I’ll have to check on it every once in a while.”

  Raif smiled in a very self-satisfied way. “I’ve already taken care of that. I’m having a security system installed that we can monitor from right here. So you have nothing to worry about.”

  Jesus, he’d thought of everything, hadn’t he. Smug SOB. “You know, Raif, going from self-imposed solitary confinement to house arrest isn’t a step up.”

  Raif shrugged. “Call it what you want. You’re here and that’s all that matters to me. Besides, you’ll hardly be under house arrest. Your hands are going to be more than full.”

  Right on cue, my new pet project stepped onto the second-story landing from the top of the stairs. Dressed from head to toe in a black leather catsuit, Anya looked about as happy to see me as I was to be protecting her. God, how in the hell was she going to rock the leather once her pregnancy began to show? I wondered if she’d have some custom outfits made. I pictured her, waddling down the hall, belly protruding in a basketball shape and wrapped in shiny pink leather.

  “You might as well turn yourself around and go back to where you came from,” Anya said with a sneer. “I don’t have any intention of allowing you to be my shadow.”

  “From what I hear,” I said, closing my door behind me, “neither of us has a choice.”

  We made quite a pair, Anya and me. Standing in Xander’s hallway, the wall on one side, the banister on the other, we looked like a couple of gunfighters about to draw. And my trigger finger itched. I couldn’t even give her a proper beating due to her condition. From what Xander said, everyone would be treating her like she was made of glass for the next year. And I wouldn’t be the exception, either. Oh, no. I was going to have to keep her safe.

  I leaned against the banister, one foot slung casually across the other. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and looked her over, silently daring her to open her mouth and deny Xander’s orders. Tears glistened in her eyes, and I straightened. Anya’s gaze narrowed, and she swallowed hard before clenching her teeth. With balled fists and a quivering jaw, she spun on a heel and headed down the hallway and right back down the stairs without a single smart-ass remark. I had to put in some serious effort to keep my own jaw from falling slack. Whaddaya know, even stone-cold Anya wasn’t insusceptible to hormones.

  “Making friends wherever you go,” Raif said, coming up behind me. “You’d better find out who’s threatening her and take care of it—fast. Otherwise, you might not survive each other’s company.”

  “About that”—I kicked at the intricate carving of the banister—“I’m not exactly in fighting form. It’s going to take a bit of work to get me back in shape.”

  “I’m not worried.” The gleam in Raif’s eye echoed a warrior’s lust for battle. “I’ve been waiting for months for a decent workout. Since you’re a little rusty, I plan on taking full advantage of the opportunity to take you down a peg or two.”

  “Don’t get too cocky.” My own blood was rising, my body gearing up for the prospect of battle. “I can still kick your ass.”

  “We’ll see about that,” Raif said, taking off down the stairs in front of me. “Hope you’re ready to get worked over.”

  “I hope you’re ready,” I said, following after him. I became one with the light and regained my corporeal form at the foot of the stairs, several feet in front of him. “First one to the gym gets dibs on the best weapon.” I disappeared again in a shimmer of light, Raif’s profanity-laced complaints trailing behind me.

  * * *

  He beat me fair and square. Probably the first of many beatings to come. Just one more reason for me to be ashamed of my shut-in routine.

  “Ready to go again?” Raif asked.

  Hunched over, hands on my knees, dragging in ragged drafts of breath, I wondered, Do I look like I’m ready to go again? Raif appeared barely winded. Toweling his forehead and sipping from a water bottle, he looked like he’d just got home from a leisurely jog.

  “I think I’m ready for bed,” I muttered, straightening and stretching from side to side. The audible crack in my back and neck did little to ease the various aches. God, I was out of shape. Thankfully, I healed almost instantly. Otherwise, I’d be flat on my back for another three months recovering from the ass-whooping I’d just received. One thing about Raif, he took everything to the next level. Even a simple workout.

  “It’s still early,” he said, tentative. “How about dinner first?”

  The concern showed in his tone, the worried expression on his face, the way he closed the space between us like he thought I’d bolt at any second. It was nice, really. “Don’t worry, Raif. I’m not going AWOL. I’m just fucking exhausted. Seriously, I don’t think I could take another step. This is the most I’ve done in months. I’m ready to crash.”

  Raif raised a dubious brow. I didn’t blame him for not trusting me. He’d been trying to flush me out for weeks. I was like an addict on rehab watch or a cutter in a room full of razor blades. It wouldn’t take much to send me over the edge and into a relapse.

  “We’ve been working out for the past five hours. I’m tired.”

  “You’re not leaving the house?” More of a confirmation than a question.

  “I already told you. I’m staying here. I just need to rest, okay.”

  He threw the towel he’d been using into a bin near the door. “I’ll walk you to your room, then.”

  Jesus Christ. This was going to get old. Fast. “If you insist.” I headed for the door, none too happy with my overprotective escort. “You going to post guards outside my room all night, too?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Raif scoffed as he held the gym door open for me. “I won’t need guards. Xander already volunteered for the job.”

  I stopped dead in my tracks, and threw a caustic glare at the back of his head. Raif kept walking, his exaggerated laughter echoing down the hall.

  Ha. Ha. “You’re hilarious, you know that?” I said, running to catch up. “You do realize that I’m going to be sleeping with one eye open from now on.”

  “You gave me the perfect opening.” Raif fought another burst of laughter. “It was just too hard to resist.”

  For two flights of stairs and a couple of hallways, Raif watched me from the corner of his eye. His little joke about Xander standing guard outside my room apparently got him only so far in the entertainment de
partment. “Tomorrow, I’ll select candidates for your task force. You can have final approval, but I’ll make the initial nominations.”

  “I trust you,” I said. “I don’t need final approval.”

  Raif’s mouth became a hard, thin line. He kept his gaze straight ahead. “I can’t trust you to be in charge of your team if you leave the decisions up to me. A leader leads, Darian. You should only delegate menial tasks.”

  Oh, fine. “I don’t know any of them. I’m not sure how I’ll choose.” I figured he needed fair warning. An informed decision, he wasn’t going to get. I opened the door to my room and leaned against the jamb.

  “I’ll have personnel files sent up in the morning. You’ll have all the information you need. Also, I can arrange for an exhibition if you’d like to see the candidates fight. Sometimes seeing a warrior in action helps.”

  Wonderful. Paperwork and a show? Administrative duties, exactly what I signed on for. “We’ll see.” I wasn’t about to commit to a morning of watching Raif’s warriors fight unless I was sure I needed to. “I’ll read the files first and make a decision afterward.”

  “I can live with that,” Raif said. “But, Darian, I’m serious about being a leader. Don’t disappoint me.”

  That was the last thing I wanted to do. But, damn it, why did he have to heap so much on me? Was Raif trying to keep me occupied so I wouldn’t have time to think about the shit pile my life had become? Probably. He was such a noble, pragmatic pain in the ass.

  I nodded. For some reason, I was afraid of making any verbal promises or reassurances. Honestly, I had no fucking clue if I was up to this job or not. Raif didn’t need to know that. Not yet, anyway. And if I promised him I could take care of business, well, I’d have to follow through. I just didn’t know at this point if it was a promise I could keep.

  “I’ll be close if you need me,” Raif offered, albeit awkwardly.

  Jesus, how bad was I? Did I look like a flight risk? Or worse? “I know,” I said, just as awkward. “I’ll be fine.” I moved to close the door, but Raif didn’t budge, his lean warrior’s body taking up most of the space in the frame. “Raif.” I repeated a little firmer this time, “I’m. Fine.”

  He took a step back and inclined his head. “Good evening, then.”

  “’Night.” I closed the door and leaned against it, exhaling the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. The ache in my chest had returned somewhere between the gym and my room. Time sped by, minutes passing as I tried to regain control of my emotions. I rubbed at my sternum, tears springing to my eyes. The pain wasn’t going to go away overnight. It might not ever leave. Only Ty could fix me. Until he came home, I’d remain broken.

  The door rattled on its hinges, the demand of a pounding fist. I stretched my neck from side to side, took a couple of deep, cleansing breaths. If I denied anyone entry, it would be like throwing up a red flag. And right now, the last thing I needed was another intervention.

  “Raif . . .” I said throwing the door open wide. Not Raif. Fuck me.

  “Why aren’t you coming to dinner?” Xander asked in a tone that screamed bossy.

  I met his stare, gold flecks blazing. He looked agitated. Go figure. “I’m not hungry. Raif kicked my ass in the gym. I want to take a shower and go to bed. Is that all right with you, Your Highness?”

  Xander barged past me, and I realized if I was staying here, I would have to invest in some heavy-duty locks. Maybe I could get Reaver, the Time Keeper of the mortal realm, to throw down some wards for me. I’d like to see Xander get past Sidhe magic. He wandered around the room, assessing it for livability for all I knew. “Is this room big enough to suit you?” he turned and asked.

  First dinner, now the room? Since when did he become my personal concierge? I looked around the suite, half as big as my apartment. All I was missing was a kitchen and I’d never have to leave. If only. “It’s more than big enough, Xander,” I said. “Now get the hell out of here so I can go to bed.”

  “And your things,” Xander continued like I hadn’t asked him to leave. “Everything is here?”

  “I don’t know.” I tried to keep from sounding too testy. “No one will give me a moment’s peace to see for myself.”

  The King of Shaedes looked around the room, anywhere but right at me. Usually the epitome of calm, cool, and collected, Xander came across as nervous and unsure. He studied a Monet on the far wall, and I was pretty sure it wasn’t a reproduction. “I’m . . .” He paused, cleared his throat. “I’m worried about you.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You’re not fine. You can tell Raif whatever the hell you’d like, but do not lie to me.”

  I kicked at the plush Persian rug with my boot. Fuck him. He didn’t know shit about me.

  In three quick strides, Xander stood before me. He put his hands on my shoulders, gripping me tight. Adrenaline kicked up in my veins as the heat from his touch warmed my flesh through my shirt and his gaze locked with mine. “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes right now, Darian. Your cheeks are sunken. Your skin, sallow. Your eyes no longer sparkle like emeralds, but are instead complemented by these black circles.” He brushed the hollows of my eyes with his thumbs, as if sweeping away invisible tears. “Raif says you sleep too much, but do you get an ounce of rest?” He gently traced the skin along my jaw and I shuddered. “Your expression never changes. Your mouth is a hard line. And I remember what you used to look like: fierce and full of passion. You were as the sun. And now, there is nothing but shadow.”

  Shadow. There was a shadow on my heart.

  “No, Darian,” Xander said, tipping my chin up so I’d meet his gaze. “I see you retreating within yourself. Don’t go there. You deserve more than what he gave to you. Your heart is too good for a Jinn to break.”

  I’d made so many foolish mistakes and I was haunted by each and every one. I could feel the panic mounting, my pulse picking up, a sweat breaking out all over my body. The need to run away from myself overwhelmed me, and my vision darkened at the periphery. Maybe if I passed out, I’d get the peace and quiet I deserved.

  Swaying on my feet, Xander’s grip tightened, holding me steady. Damn him. I wanted to hate him. Lived for hating him. I didn’t want or need his support. Or the feeling of calm that began to wash over me as his presence anchored me.

  “Take a shower.” His velvet voice snaked around me, held me enthralled. “Rest. I need you to be strong.” Xander’s eyes pinned me in place as I stared at his face. “For Anya and her unborn child. I’ll expect you at breakfast tomorrow morning. Dinner as well. There will be no more hiding as long as you reside under this roof. This is the last night I’ll entertain your desire for solitude.”

  Of course. Manipulation was Xander’s forte. He wielded it like a sword. All he cared about was protecting Anya. And he’d say whatever he had to as long as it ensured I’d be primed and ready for the job. He didn’t give a shit about me or what I was going through. He cared only about what I could do for him. Silly, Darian, for thinking otherwise. “No worries, Xander.” I pulled away, took a deep, cleansing breath, and threw my shoulders back. “Your girl is as good as safe.” I walked past him, through the sitting room, toward the bathroom and faced him only when I was over the threshold and standing on the marble floor. “I’m going to take a shower. Get the fuck out.”

  I slammed the bathroom door and turned the spray on full blast. I didn’t know if I could stand being alone, and I didn’t want to hear him leave.

  Chapter 5

  I wished I couldn’t feel the approach of morning.

  Rain pounded against the windowpanes with a gust of wind, but my skin tingled as the cloud-shrouded sun crested the horizon. I sensed the changing of the hour even though my room was dark as night. Thank god for heavy blackout drapes. No skylights, no uncovered windows. I might be able to sense the sunlight, but at least in my darkened room, I couldn’t actually see it. No bright reminder that another day had gone and come again. Another day without
Tyler.

  Half asleep, I twisted the silver ring on my left thumb, stopping when I felt the engraving. I caressed the image, knowing the bear’s shape though I couldn’t see it in the darkness. Only once I’d beheld Tyler in his animal form: a large golden bear, the bestial embodiment of his protection. He’d kept me safe then. Draped his hulking, furry body over mine and kept me warm. And he’d almost died protecting me. I didn’t deserve him. I’d never deserved him.

  “Darian, are you awake?” Raif’s voice penetrated the door as well as the remaining dregs of sleep. I wondered if he or Xander, or both of them, spent the night with their ears pressed against the walls—listening.

  I thought about answering, but really, it seemed like too much effort. Besides, I wanted to sneak in another half hour of sleep. The idea of black oblivion appealed to me so much more than greeting another loathsome, lonely day. Maybe if I was very still . . .

  “Darian!” Raif shouted this time, laying his fist to the door. The successive pounding reverberated through my chest, like a heavy bass drum. Damn him and his persistent nature.

  “Jesus, I’m up!” I shouted back. Cordiality was never one of my strong suits. I left my body behind, and regained my physical form as I threw open the door. “A few rounds from an AK-47 would have been less annoying.”

  Raif pushed his way into my room—I guess privacy was a concept lost on the royal family—and shoved a stack of thick manila folders into my arms. “Candidate files. Look over them and meet me for breakfast in thirty minutes. We’ve got a lot of work to do, and you won’t get anything accomplished lying in bed all day.”

  He slammed the door behind him, and I listened as his footsteps grew quiet and, finally, faded.

  * * *

  I nodded an acknowledgment to a couple of Xander’s staff as I walked down the stairs, and tried not to complain out loud as I made my way toward the formal dining room. That didn’t mean I couldn’t bitch up a storm in my mind. I must’ve been crazy to agree to stay here. There was no way I’d be able to stomach the constant attention if it kept up at this rate. Everyone was so fucking worried I’d go off the deep end; I couldn’t even be allowed to sleep in for a measly half hour. I wanted to pick a fight. Bad.