How To Throw Your Life Away

by Laurie Ellingham

  ‘What kind of guy?’

  Adam didn’t answer. ‘He wants his money back by next week or he says he’s going to start breaking my legs.’

  A laugh escaped Katy’s mouth. It wasn’t funny, she knew that. It was like something out of a gangster film.

  ‘How much do you owe him?’

  ‘Just five thousand. You’ve got that, haven’t you Katy? You must have got that from your redundancy.’

  A minute passed. Neither of them spoke. Adam’s watering eyes and pleading face stared at Katy.

  ‘I...I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘I need your help. Please. I’ll pay you back,’ Adam said.

  ‘What about your mum, can’t she lend you the money?’

  Another pathetic look crossed Adam’s face.

  ‘What?’ Katy demanded.

  ‘She lent me some money last month and now she won’t give me anymore until I’ve paid it back.’

  ‘Where did that money go then? Let me guess, the casino?’

  Adam dropped his head back into his hands. ‘It just got out of control. I was so miserable living here. You had Claire and your parents, and your job, and I had nothing.’

  ‘And that’s my fault is it? You could have gotten off your arse and made some friends. How many times did Nick invite you down the pub?’

  ‘I’m not blaming you-’

  ‘Good.’

  Another moment passed.

  ‘When were you planning to tell me?’ she asked.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘If I hadn’t broken the engagement off, when were you planning to tell me? When we’d moved? When we’d got married? Were you hoping I’d just give you the profit from the house sale, give up on my dream to own Green Tips, get a soul destroying job, and not ask any questions?’

  ‘I was going to tell you,’ he said. ‘I just wanted you to love me again first.’

  ‘Do you actually love me, Adam? Do you want to spend your life with me? Or was this whole thing some elaborate gamble to pay off your debts?’

  Adam didn’t reply. His silence said it all.

  ‘Here’s your grandmother’s ring,’ Katy said, pushing the gold band into his hands.

  She plucked Adam’s set of keys from the table where he’d put them, and removed the key to her house.

  ‘Do you have anything else in the house that you want?’

  ‘So you’re not going to lend me the money?’ Adam said in a meek voice.

  ‘Nope. I’ll speak to my solicitor tomorrow and see if he thinks you’re legally entitled to any profit from the house sale, but that won’t be for another couple of months.

  Tears filled his eyes. ‘We loved each other once, we can-’

  ‘Don’t, Adam. It’s over,’ Katy said, squashing down the desire to throttle him. This was not her problem. This was not her mess, this was Adam’s.

  ‘It’s been over for ages,’ she added. ‘I just didn’t see it. We didn’t see it.’

  ‘But we can-’

  ‘I’m pregnant, and the baby isn’t yours.’

  They both fell into a stunned silence. She hadn’t meant to tell him, but the words had left her mouth before she could stop them. He had to see that it was over now, surely?

  She waited for him to say something.

  ‘If you lend me the money, I’ll stand by you,’ Adam said, his voice breathless and desperate.

  Katy sighed. ‘I’m not going to lend you the money,’ she said as she stood up. ‘Do you still want to stand by me?’

  Adam stared into her eyes for a moment before giving a quick shake of his head. Without a word he stood up, towering over Katy for a second before turning around and walking out of the door.

  Katy breathed a sigh of relief and flopped back onto the sofa. Adam had a gambling problem. How had she missed that? The same way she’d missed the signs of being pregnant, Katy guessed. She’d been so wrapped up in Green Tips and Tom that she hadn’t being paying attention to anything else.

  She knew his problems had started long before that. Perhaps on some level she’d known something hadn’t been right with Adam, but she’d ignored the signs. She’d never have guessed the full extent of Adam’s problems, but she’d been so fixated on getting what she’d wanted that she’d stopped paying attention to their relationship, and to Adam.

  She stared up at the ceiling and considered how she felt.

  Angry? No.

  Sad or upset? Not really.

  Relieved? Yes. Very relieved.

  She’d made so many mistakes in their relationship. Letting him get away with not doing anything, ever. Dragging their relationship out for so long. Not to mention hitting him, but letting Adam back into her life, and not being strong enough to say no when he’d proposed, had to be the whopper of mistakes.

  Katy took a deep breath in and moved her hand to her stomach, something she’d found herself doing more and more over the past few days.

  Her life was still a humongous mess, but it felt good to smooth one piece of it out.

  CHAPTER 36

  Monday

  It didn’t take long for the relief to dissipate. Of all of her problems, breaking off her ridiculous engagement to Adam had been the simplest, Katy thought as she watched the first rays of early morning sun creep through her curtains.

  Being pregnant would not be so easy to fix.

  How could she have been so stupid? Katy wondered again and again. She was thirty-three not seventeen.

  Despite the pregnancy test result, the nausea and the emotional tornado raging through her, Katy could not wrap her head around it. Pregnant. A tiny human being was forming inside of her. It didn’t compute. Like a puzzle piece that wouldn’t fit, no matter which way she turned it.

  How would she manage by herself?

  Then Katy thought about Green Tips and what it meant to her. The answer - everything. She had wasted so many years in a job she’d loathed because it was reliable. Gardening had been her refuge from a life of sweaty commutes and the office banter she’d despised.

  Now she was so close to making gardening and Green Tips her life. It was a place she could feel herself, a career she could be proud of. Something she was doing just for her.

  Could she give that up?

  If she ignored her own disappointment and how much she would be letting Mary down, then what?

  Would Mary keep her on as an employee? Green Tips would never be able to afford to pay her maternity leave, and where would she live? Would she move back in with her parents? She didn’t want to stay in this house, and without a job she wouldn’t be able to afford to.

  What future would that be for her? For a baby?

  Could she get another job in London for nine months? What about after the baby arrived, then what?

  She had to keep going with the purchase of Green Tips, that much she knew, Katy realised, swinging her legs out of bed and heading to the bathroom as the familiar feeling of nausea burned at the back of her throat.

  At least getting up at the crack of dawn would give her time to tame her unruly hair, she thought as her mind wandered to the day ahead, which started with an early meeting with her solicitor. Then a day at Green Tips, then her final anger management class, followed by telling Tom she was pregnant.

  ‘Shit, shit, shit,’ she muttered, lunging for the toilet.

  ***

  ‘Miss Davenport, it’s a pleasure to meet you,’ the man leapt up from his desk, reaching his hand out to Katy.

  ‘Thank you for seeing me so early, and please call me Katy,’ she said, shaking his bear claw of a hand.

  ‘Please take a seat,’ he said, smoothing down his red polka-dot tie with one hand and gesturing towards a purple office chair with the other.

  She felt an instant liking to Malcolm Davidson, the business solicitor she’d found to handle the purchase of Green Tips. She guessed he was in his mid-thirties, although the floppy boyish hair made him look a little younger. He had a very long nose with a sharp point at the end. It was
the kind of feature Katy had to make a conscious effort not to stare at it. His nose seemed in complete contrast to the rest of his body. It was the only angular feature on him. The rest of him - his face, his belly, and even his hands - had a round look about them.

  ‘Would you like a coffee?’ he asked with a wide goofy smile.

  ‘No thank you,’ she said, returning the smile.

  ‘Good then, let’s get to it. I’m sure you’re anxious to get off to work, so I’ll try to be brief. Let’s start with the easy bit - your house. Your buyers have had the survey completed and are keen to move forward, so unless you have any objections, then we’re looking at a completion date of mid-August. Less if their solicitor pushes.’

  ‘Wow, that’s fast. I thought it would take longer.’

  ‘It normally would, but your buyers are first time buyers, moving out of a rental property, and you're not waiting for the purchase of a property to complete the chain. So there are very few hurdles. Is the time frame a problem?’

  Katy shook her head. ‘No. I don’t think so. I can move into my parents house if I need to, they’re away at the moment, so I won’t be in their way.’

  ‘Good, because that leads us to the more complicated side of things - the purchase of Green Tips.’

  Katy leant forward. ‘Is there a problem?’

  Malcolm chuckled. ‘No no nothing to worry about. It’s just more complicated that’s all. Mrs Eldridge’s solicitor has sent over the sale contract, and I do have a few queries I will need to address with him.’

  ‘Like what?’ Katy asked.

  ‘Well for starters they have a rather strange clause in the contract which basically says that you must keep the business in its original form for at least five years.’

  Katy gave a slow nod despite the fact he’d lost her at the word clause.

  ‘What it means is that, let’s say after two years of running Green Tips you run into some financial difficulty, no forget that. Let’s make it simpler. Let’s say after two years you decide to move to Australia. You want to sell the business, but under this clause you will only be able to sell it to someone who has the intention of continuing to run it as a garden centre.

  ‘It would be a big shackle should you wish to sell or redevelop the Garden Centre into another function, like a block of flats.

  ‘The clause is pretty strongly worded, so there really is no wiggle room. If you were to breach the clause, the entire contract becomes void and you could end up in lengthy court proceedings with Mrs Eldridge.’

  ‘I can’t imagine that happening.’

  ‘I’ve seen best friends fight tooth and nail in a courtroom over a business dealing go bad, so believe me it can happen.’

  ‘Oh.’ Katy thought for a moment. She could see why Mary would want it in the contract. Green Tips was her entire life. It would destroy her to see a supermarket or a block of flats go up in its place, but what if something happened and she had to sell. Then where would she be?

  ‘As I said, it is an extremely unusual clause but then again Mrs Eldridge is offering Green Tips at a very reasonable price, which excludes any value that it has as a redevelopment opportunity,’ Malcolm continued. ‘My advice is that we push back and see if we can get the clause removed altogether, or at the very least have the time frame shortened.’

  ‘No, please don’t do that,’ Katy said. ‘I don’t care. I don’t want to challenge it. I don’t want anything to rock the boat.’

  ‘Well if you’re sure-’

  ‘I am,’ she nodded

  ‘Okay then, I’ll let Mrs Eldridge’s solicitor know that we are happy to proceed.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Katy breathed a little easier. ‘How long will it take to go through?’

  ‘It’s hard to say. The next thing we need to do is have a comprehensive survey of the business completed.’

  ‘I thought we had that already.’

  ‘Yes,’ Malcolm said, tapping a folder on his desk. ‘We have something that Kelley’s put together, but we need our own independent survey done. There aren’t a lot of people that do this as it’s quite complex. The survey will look at the land the business is on, any residential properties included in the sale, the buildings the business takes place in, the stock, and then it looks at the previous accounts going back several years.

  ‘It’s an in-depth piece of work, and something you’ll find invaluable when you take over. We have someone we use to do this, I’ll drop him a call today and see about his availability, but I think realistically we are looking at the end of September at the absolute earliest for a completion date. I will do everything I can this end to keep pushing both the sale of your house and the purchase of Green Tips forward. From a purely selfish perspective, I’d hope to have it all done and dusted by mid-October as I’ll be taking a few weeks paternity leave.’

  ‘Oh right, congratulations,’ Katy said.

  ‘Thanks. It’s our first so we’re a bit excited about it all. You would not believe the discussions we’ve had about names....’

  Katy let Malcolm’s happy chatter continue but felt the words wash over her. For a few minutes her head had been focused only on Green Tips, but just like that, the pregnancy hit her, and with it the questions and the panic set back in.

  How could she sit in a solicitor’s office talking about the purchase of a business that would consume her entire life whilst a baby was growing inside of her? A baby without a family. A baby with no one arguing over what to call it, or what colour to paint a nursery. It probably wasn’t any bigger than a baked bean and it was already missing out, Katy thought with a sadness that stung at the corners of her eyes.

  CHAPTER 37

  For the past forty-five minutes five words had circled Katy’s head. Like an annoying radio jingle she couldn’t stop singing.

  I’m pregnant and it’s yours.

  I’m pregnant and it’s yours.

  I’m pregnant and it’s yours.

  She’d taken part in the role plays, she’d repeated the words Tom had asked them all to repeat, she’d nodded her head when everyone else had. All the while those five little words had spun around and around her head.

  ‘Well guys, that’s it. Well done. Please give yourselves, and each other, a very big round of applause,’ Tom paused whilst the sound of clapping hands echoed around the hall.

  ‘I have a certificate for each of you at the front, along with a What’s Next leaflet and my card. I feel so confident that these past six weeks have given each and every one of you a very big helping hand in controlling your anger, but this doesn’t have to be the end.’ He paused again and smiled, his eyes locking with Katy’s.

  I’m pregnant and it’s yours. Her final anger management class was over and now she had to tell him. Panic gripped her body.

  ‘My contact details are on the card. If you need to talk at anytime, please get in touch. Good luck for the future, and remember it’s up to you to control your anger, or I promise you this, it will control you.’

  Tom stepped back to the table and collected a pile of A4 envelopes. Like a miniature graduation ceremony, everyone waited their turn for a hand shake and their certificate. Katy lingered by the chairs until the rest of the class began to filter towards the door.

  ‘I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for that drink,’ Tom grinned. ‘You look beautiful by the way,’ he added, his gaze falling to the black pencil skirt and pale pink vest top she’d wriggled into in the toilet cubicle at Green Tips.

  He leaned forward and grazed her cheek with his lips, causing fizzing bubbles of excitement to whoosh through her blood stream. Her insides felt like a can of drink that had just been shaken up and opened.

  His body lingered close to hers for another moment allowing Katy to breathe in the familiar hints of his aftershave. Images flashed through her head. His touch. His kiss. The feel of his muscular body against hers.

  ‘I’ll just grab my bag,’ he said, stepping over to the table and scooping up the remaining pieces of
paper.

  ‘What about your bike?’ Katy asked.

  ‘I walked,’ he replied. ‘I didn’t think offering to give your date a lift home on the back of a bike would go down very well.’ He looked up and smiled at Katy. ‘I just need a second.’

  Katy nodded.

  He’d called her his date. This was a date. Their first official date. Their first official date that she was about to ruin by announcing that she was pregnant. Shit.

  Then it hit her. She wanted Tom. Not just his support for a child that they would have together, but him. The way the lines around his eyes crinkled when he smiled. His short rusty brown hair that was always a little squashed from his cycling helmet. His laughter and his teasing jokes. The way he thought about how she might feel. The way he made her throw back her head and laugh.

  All of the little things, like how he’d always woken up before her so he could make her coffee before she’d left for work. The feel of his body next to hers at night. Even his ancient taste in old guitar music. She wanted it all, Katy realised as the fizzing from his kiss bubbled over into a nervousness that left her breathless.

  ***

  The sun was setting as Tom pulled the door to the hall open, and they both stepped out into the cool summer’s evening.

  The top of their arms brushed against each other. A zing of electricity rushed around her as Tom’s fingers entwined with hers.

  ‘I have to tell you something,’ she said.

  ‘Okay,’ he smiled and nodded. ‘Let’s get a drink first. I want to have a drink with you tonight Katy. In a proper pub like two people out on a normal date.’

  Nerves and dread flooded Katy’s body until she was drowning in them.

  After a minute of walking Tom tugged at her arm and pulled her towards the thick black rimmed doorway of The White Hart. It was the same pub that Katy had bought her first legal drink in, and several dozen illegal drinks before that.

  Not a single thing had changed inside, Katy realised as they stepped through the doorway and onto the worn red and yellow carpet. The same circular wood tables, the same old photographs of Henley on the wall. As far as she could tell only the fruit machine and the barmaid had changed.