The Obama Diaries

by Laura Ingraham

  ALSO BY LAURA IN GRAHAM

  Power to the People

  Shut Up and Sing

  The Hillary Trap

  Threshold Editions

  A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10020

  www.SimonandSchuster.com

  Copyright © 2010 by Laura Ingraham

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Threshold Editions Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

  First Threshold Editions hardcover edition July 2010

  THRESHOLD EDITIONS and colophon are trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

  For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or business@simonandschuster.com.

  The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.

  Designed by Ruth Lee Mui

  Manufactured in the United States of America

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Ingraham, Laura.

  The Obama diaries / by Laura Ingraham. — 1st Threshold hardcover ed.

  p. cm.

  1. Obama, Barack—Humor. I. Title.

  E908.3.I54 2010

  973.932020'7—dc22 2010019945

  ISBN: 978-1-4391-9751-6

  ISBN: 978-1-4391-9844-5 (ebook)

  For Maria and Dmitri

  CONTENTS

  Introduction

  Dramatis Personae

  Chapter 1 WHAT IS AMERICA TO ME?

  Chapter 2 “DON’T EVER TAKE SIDES . . . AGAINST THE FAMILY”

  Chapter 3 RAZZLE-DAZZLING US TO DEATH

  Chapter 4 YOU’RE THE NEXT GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER

  Chapter 5 FIT TO SERVE?

  Chapter 6 WILL THE REAL MESSIAH PLEASE STAND UP?

  Chapter 7 PLAYING BASKETBALL WITH DICTATORS

  Chapter 8 THE AUDACITY OF NARCISSISM

  Chapter 9 DEMONIZING THE ENEMY

  Chapter 10 HAPPY WARRIORS

  Acknowledgments

  Index

  INTRODUCTION

  You might call what follows the drama behind Obama.

  I didn’t go looking for what you are about to read; rather in the grand designs of destiny, it found me. On May 20, 2010, I did what I do every Thursday—I treated myself to a pedicure. It was forty-five minutes of sheer uninterrupted bliss, and I left the salon at the Watergate complex feeling relaxed and carefree. The elevator to the underground parking garage was under repair, so I walked the four floors down to retrieve my car. As I pressed the remote to unlock the car door, my eye caught a thick manila envelope lying on the hood of the car. The words “Property of the American People” were scrawled in black Magic Marker on the front. As I cautiously lifted the package, a deep baritone voice called out from the nearby stairwell. “Just read it,” he said. “You’ll know what to do.” Except for his high-top sneakers, his identity was obscured by the shadows.

  “Who are you? What is this?!” I shouted back. The mystery man stood silent for a few seconds and then vanished faster than Obama’s high approval ratings. Shaking, I threw the envelope in my car, unsure of what I should do next, or where I should go. Being alone did not seem like a good idea, nor did going straight home. So I drove over to the W hotel, maybe a hundred yards from the White House, where the rooftop bar was humming. I ordered a drink, found a little nook, plopped down, and ripped open the envelope. What I found inside took my breath away—literally. For almost two hours, I sat there—oblivious to the loud dance beat booming over the speakers—leafing through the papers, totally transfixed.

  In my possession were copies of excerpts from what appeared to be many of President Barack Obama’s handwritten “diaries,” as well as those of Michelle Obama; her mother, Marian Robinson; Vice President Joe Biden; Rahm Emanuel; David Axelrod, and others. Here was a firsthand account of the Obama presidency, as it happened, in the words of those who shaped it.

  One “diary” was more fascinating and more revealing than the next. The intrigue, the emotion, the struggles, the sheer arrogance of these people jumped off the pages. When I finished reading the last entry in the packet, I found myself aching for more. Each installment told us something new and revealing about the personalities in the Obama White House.

  As I began to think about what to do with this treasure trove of information, I looked through the bar’s floor-to-ceiling windows at the Washington Monument framed in an ethereal orange trim. Just then, I heard Marine One, the president’s helicopter, as it rose off the South Lawn of the White House. Inside might have been Barack Obama jaunting off somewhere for the weekend—was he aware that some of his “diaries” had been copied? Was the FBI already on the case? My heart began pounding at the thought of what lay ahead, as I knew these writings would send shock waves through Washington, the country, and the world.

  It was then that I decided not to keep the “diaries” for my own personal amusement, but to release them to the public, to share them with others for the good of the country and the world.

  I tried to call Bob Woodward, but he wouldn’t take my call. Then I attempted to send an e-mail to Matt Drudge, but my air card couldn’t find a signal. Maybe these are signs that I should release the “diaries” myself, I thought.

  Of course, the problem with diaries is that you can never be sure if the author, particularly a public figure, is telling the whole truth or shading it for posterity. Rather than commenting on the “diaries” or vouching for their veracity, I have elected simply to place them in historical context. The “diary” entries are arranged by topic and framed by relevant facts and quotes from the parties involved. I am very free with my opinions about the public record of Team Obama, but thought it best to withhold judgment on the explosive material in the “diaries” and let the authors speak for themselves. Discerning fact from fiction in these “journals” will be up to you. Ultimately, I feel this approach will permit readers to come to their own conclusions about Obama, his intimates, and their designs.

  While working on this book and reading these “diaries,” I must admit that I had previously overlooked something about the Obamas—they are flippin’ hilarious!

  It is hard to think of a more self-important president than Barack Obama, and harder to imagine a press corps more willing to prop up his outsize ego. They have created a mythic image of Obama as redeemer—a secular savior virtually beyond reproach. The Obama mythos has been shaped by the repetition of the various superlatives used to describe him: brilliant . . . a phenomenal listener . . . calm under pressure . . . a master communicator . . . empathetic . . . a uniter, not a divider . . . works tirelessly for the American people. They have exalted him above all others.

  This deification of the president is one of the biggest con jobs in American political history.

  Beneath that elevated chin and that purposely furrowed brow is a man who I believe is truly worthy—worthy of satire, that is. Such arrogance and pomposity screams out for ridicule.

  The satiric diaries bring the Obama reality show into clear and frightening focus: the titanic egos . . . the devious plans . . . the stunning incompetence.

  As we suffer under the rule of Obama, it’s easy to get depressed and discouraged. But before you reach for the Paxil, I want to suggest another path. Take the time to see this president and his administration for what they are: buffoons. Whatever your political bent, put your feet up, and allow our preside
nt to fulfill his campaign promise to bring us together: together in hysterical laughter!

  I wrote this book because I believe we are at the crossroads of history. In my other books, I warned about the liberal elites who are amassing more and more power over the American people. With the rise of the Obama administration, I fear that we have reached what may be a tipping point, and that we risk a future in which average Americans have less power over their lives than their parents had. Since Obama was sworn into office, Americans have been mobilizing to fight his agenda. With so much at stake, it is important to see all the issues in context, so we can truly appreciate the unprecedented power grab that is taking place.

  If you really want to roll back the Obama agenda, you must understand who Obama truly is and the motives behind his ruinous policies. Oh, and by all means, feel free to have a laugh at his expense. After all, you’ve paid for it.

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

  President of the United States, Community-Organizer-in-Chief, aka “Smokey,” Ego Maximus

  MICHELLE ROBINSON OBAMA

  First Lady of the United States, Fashion Plate, Gardener-in-Chief, Food Czarina, aka “Miche,” Ego Magnus

  MARIAN ROBINSON

  First Grandmother of the United States, mother of Michelle Obama, aka “Mother Robinson,” Chief White House babysitter

  JOE BIDEN

  Vice President of the United States, Master of the Malaprop, Amtrak Guest Rewards Select Plus Member

  DESIREE GLAPION ROGERS

  White House Social Secretary (February 2009–March 2010), Razzle-Dazzler-in-Chief, Fashionista Extraordinaire, Professional White House dinner guest, former Obama pal

  VALERIE JARRETT

  Senior Advisor and Assistant to the President, arguably the most influential person in the White House, current Obama pal

  REGGIE LOVE

  Special Assistant and Personal Aide to the President, Obama’s “Body Man,” sports and traveling companion

  DAVID AXELROD

  Senior Advisor to the President, Obama’s in-house political strategist, honorary member of D.C.-area Weight Watchers, aka “Axe”

  RAHM EMANUEL

  White House Chief of Staff, former ballet dancer, Master of the Expletive, House Gym shower habitué

  HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON

  United States Secretary of State, former First Lady, former Senator, Would-Be President

  NANCY PELOSI

  Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, California Democratic Congresswoman, self-described “ardent practicing Catholic,” Botox cover girl

  HARRY REID

  Senate Majority Leader, Nevada Democratic Senator, racial healer, often mistaken for elderly mountain woman

  TIMOTHY GEITHNER

  United States Secretary of the Treasury, TurboTaxEvader

  LARRY SUMMERS

  Director of the White House National Economic Council, former Secretary of Treasury and Chief Economist of the World Bank

  PETER ORSZAG

  Director of Office of Management and Budget, aka “Nerdy-Sexy,” part-time spokesman for Hair Club for Men, full-time Munchkin voice double

  JON FAVREAU

  Director of Speechwriting for the White House, former speechwriter for John Kerry, dating Quincy Jones’ daughter

  ROBERT GIBBS

  White House Press Secretary, inveterate babbler, aka “Giblet,” “Gibbopotamus,” “Gibbotron”

  DAVID PLOUFFE

  Political consultant and presidential strategist on House and Senate Races, former campaign manager for Obama’s 2008 presidential run

  CHAPTER 1

  WHAT IS AMERICA TO ME?

  There is an inspiring World War II song, “The House I Live In,” that asks:

  What is America to me?

  A name, a map, or a flag I see;

  A certain word, democracy.

  What is America to me?

  It’s a question we don’t consider often enough, if at all. But today, a kind of soul searching is needed. Our understanding of America will profoundly shape our actions—and those actions will leave their mark on America and the rest of the world. How we see our country and our role as citizens will either lead us to protect, defend, and nurture her—or sit idly by as our precious heritage slips away.

  At this moment in our history, when we face so many challenges at home and abroad, we need to consider anew this crucial question.

  What is America to me?

  Who are we as Americans? Who do we want to be? What traditions and principles do we need to preserve as we move forward? What of our American experience is worth fighting for? (And just because you might not wear a military uniform, don’t think you are exempt from answering that last question.) These are queries that should be pondered by all Americans and all those who wish to be.

  To me, America will always be a land of unbridled opportunity, unrivaled beauty, and unlimited possibility. It is a place where each of us has a shot to reach our potential. Rooted in truth, decency, and timeless values, America is ever forward looking; constantly innovating while inspiring the rest of the world. Echoing John Winthrop (and the Bible), Ronald Reagan captured it best when he described America as “the shining city on a hill.” In his farewell address, he unpacked this vision and explained what we are, and must be, in this new millennium:

  In my mind, it was a tall, proud city built on rocks stronger than oceans, wind-swept, God-blessed, and teeming with people of all kinds living in harmony and peace; a city with free ports that hummed with commerce and creativity, and if there had to be city walls, the walls had doors and the doors were open to anyone with the will and the heart to get here. That’s how I saw it, and see it still . . . after two hundred years, two centuries, she still stands strong and true on the granite ridge, and her glow has held steady no matter what storm. And she’s still a beacon, still a magnet for all who must have freedom, for all the pilgrims from all the lost places who are hurtling through the darkness, toward home.

  Just reading the words puts a lump in my throat. Which isn’t an isolated occurrence. I also happen to get choked up at ball games. Not by the game itself, but by the National Anthem. Every time I hear it sung or see a stadium full of people with their hands over their hearts, I feel a little tingle. Whenever I spot a veteran standing at attention before a passing flag in a Memorial Day parade, tears inevitably well up in my eyes. It’s not sentimentality, but an emotional reaction to this truth: many have sacrificed for what those stars and stripes represent, and the sacrifice continues. How can one help but be moved and humbled by the long trail of blood and sweat that established our “city on a hill” and defended her promise around the world?

  Our challenge now, as engaged citizens, is to translate our emotions into clear principles, practices, and habits that rise above the political or cultural winds of the moment. What can we do, personally, to expand the greatness of our country? What steps can we take to extend the sacrifice of those who paid the ultimate price for our freedom to make choices?

  I believe that our work needs to begin deep within ourselves. We the people must refine ourselves, as individuals, before we can refine our community and our nation. No one else will do it for us. Not the government, not the media, and certainly not the “international community.” We are the ones who will either stand up and defend what we know to be true, or permit others to twist and destroy the last, best hope of mankind. What is at stake is our way of life, our ideals, and our very future.

  The house I live in,

  A plot of earth, a street,

  The grocer and the butcher,

  Or the people that I meet;

  The children in the playground,

  The faces that I see,

  All races and religions,

  That’s America to me.

  Like the first settlers in this land, people continue to come to our shores seeking freedom. They embrace and celebrate our ideals in ways that shame nati
ve-born Americans. The English writer G. K. Chesterton, in his work What I Saw in America, put in this way: “[T]he great American experiment . . . a democracy of diverse races . . . has been compared to a melting-pot. But even that metaphor implies that the pot itself is of a certain shape and a certain substance; a pretty solid substance. The melting-pot must not melt. The original shape was traced on the lines of Jeffersonian democracy; and it will remain in that shape until it becomes shapeless. America invites all men to become citizens; but it implies the dogma that there is such a thing as citizenship.”

  What gives our country her “shape” is our shared, common belief in what America is. Chesterton observed that we are the only nation founded on a creed. That creed is found in the Declaration of Independence, where Jefferson wrote: “ We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal” and “that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Embracing and advancing this vision is at the heart of what it means to be an American. We are not observers in this country, but participants. Citizenship requires that we struggle to protect these ideals of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. We must all do our part. But the troubling question we face is: Do we all really believe in the American creed?

  THE DIARY OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

  INAUGURATION NIGHT

  January 20, 2009

  . . . Hell, yes, it’s the first time we’re proud to be Americans! I can’t believe these people actually voted for me! What a place this country is! A measly stint in the Illinois legislature and a breath or two in the Senate, add a few groovy iconic posters and some “Hope & Change” and . . . bingo! I am the f---ing president! They actually bought it when I said I wanted to “form a more perfect union.” I think Aretha was crying beneath that Easter basket hat of hers when I said that line . . . hey, I am the perfect union! Good looks, big brains, and a damn fine jump shot at my age.