"Okay. You know, this is the first time ever that I hear someone complain about loud noises. Don't get discouraged. I actually like what we are doing today. You are finally telling me why you don't like going out to the stadium. I wished I could have you around to brag about how wonderful a boyfriend you are at the stadium and even at the dance club, but it is what it is. I am beginning to accept you as a quiet and reserved person. Now, I understand why you stopped going out dancing too. If crowd loudness bothers you, the loud music should bother you as well. Also, I understand you don't know my sister or friends very well. Obviously, you are going to be shy around them, but what about me? I feel that you don't trust me. I am your girlfriend. We live under the same roof. It takes me 7 months to find out that your ears hurt from loud noises. I never had any problems with loudness. Most people I know don't have these problems, but it is okay to admit you have this problem. I can't believe you don't trust me enough to tell me the truth. I could have bought you earplugs or something. You should have told me this before. Your ear problem is really weird, but at least I get where you're coming from. I want you to always trust me with everything."
"Exactly, I am very different. I didn't think you would understand me." I feel more optimistic now. Maybe this is what our relationship is lacking, but trusting her with everything? That is a big leap for me. I trust nobody. Sometimes, people just don't understand.
"You are wrong, Jimmy. You have to trust me more. You know, I don't understand why you are so shy with me? You've been living together with me for 7 months."
"I am a shy person, Sara. I am not much of a talker, you know. I don't know what kind of explanation you want. You know I care about you. I am always hugging you, touching you, and kissing you. I am more of a non-verbal kind of person."
"Yeah. The problem is you never share how you feel about things. You go to work, and the only thing you tell me about it is that "it was good" or "fine." It's like nothing bothers you. Your concerns and struggles at work; you never share them with me. You never tell me what you think of me. It is impossible that you find nothing wrong with me. Kissing and hugging is not enough. Anyone can do that. Why do I feel like you don't fully trust me? Aren't I the one you love?"
"Yes, I love you. Work is the same thing everyday. There is nothing newsworthy about tutoring people. You know I like you the way you are. You are beautiful." I want to also add that her intelligence makes her very attractive, but maybe that will come off as weird.
"For a relationship to succeed we need to trust each other more. It is okay if you disagree with me on something. I want us to express our thoughts. This exchange of thoughts will make our relationship better." As Sara says this, I am still worried by how this date is going. Honesty is not always the best policy. Feelings get hurt when you are brutally honest. Things are going well, though.
"Sara, I don't know what else you want to know. You know almost everything about me."
"I want to know how you feel about me and love. How do you picture the future with me in it? Do you think I'm being too demanding? Will you still be in love with me after so many years? You know, stuff like that." Hearing Sara ask me these questions gives me the opportunity to express my view of love, but I have to be careful about it. I got to find the right words to help her understand that love is not a real thing. Friendship is the backbone of any relationship, not love.
"Sara, there is a fundamental truth about love. It is a truth that you are too young to understand. You have never seen a nonromantic relationship like I do with my parents. Life ain't a fairy tale. It is not perfect, and neither is love. Love is a superficial concept scientifically called infatuation. It is plainly a physical attraction that lasts for a short time. Your parents being together in love is not the norm; it is the exception." Sara feels she needs to set me straight. I can tell by the way she looks at me. She is in complete disagreement with me. It is a "what the hell" look in her eyes?
"What do you mean I am too young? I am the same age as you, stupid. How dare you question my parents' love? They do love each other. I know what infatuation is. Love does exist. I know life is difficult, but love is what makes worth bearing the burdens of life. Love is the reason we all live for. It is not superficial; it is real." I made a mistake already. I shouldn't have mentioned her parents.
I will try again. "Now, let me try to explain this clearly. Hear me out. We are idealistic people, and I know you are very idealistic. I am too, but not to a great extent. I've had the benefit of reality crushing down my hopes."
"Seriously, Jimmy? You, a spoiled brat, don't even know what a real struggle is. On the other hand, I do. I also had dreams crushed. I know sometimes you succeed and other times you fail. I didn't get into the college I wanted at first. There was a time when I wanted to be a soccer player, but I didn't even get into the junior squad. I paid my way through college. It was tough for me to work and study. It was difficult to do both things at the same time. There were many nights of frustration for me, but my faith in God and the love of my friends and family gave me the strength to get the job done." Hearing Sara reconfirms how idealistic she is.
If only faith in God and love could have prevented the deaths of many family members, maybe I would be idealistic too. I wished my faith in God prevented my mother's brother from dying from colon cancer, but it didn't. To make things worse, the year after her brother died, her father died. The year after that, her mother died. The year after that, her sister died. In a span of 4 years, my entire mother's family passed away. This was very painful to her. Faith in neither God nor love prevented these tragedies.
Also, I hoped and prayed that I could one day repay my parents for being such good parents to me. They dreamed of having a doctor. I wanted to become a doctor for them, but I couldn't. I had the good grades, the discipline, the focus to study, and the will to make my parents proud of me. Unfortunately, I didn't get accepted into Medical School. I couldn't even pursue a Master's Degree program because my anxiety problems prevent me from putting myself in stressful situations. The problem is I get nervous during exams and presentations. In Graduate School, there are many presentations and exams. My parents consoled me for not being able to make them happy. They said that they loved me for who I am and the way I am. I am very fortunate to have them as my parents.
I try to explain my point of view. "You are right that faith in God and love does wonders in life. What your friends and family give you is a different kind of love, more like solidarity and care. That is better than love. I want us to focus more on love, specifically, romantic love. You believe when two people fall in love, they become one person and strive to become better people. That is not a point of view I share. Why do you have to be a better person for me? If anything, you should acquire better social qualities for yourself. Please, don't be a better person for me. Do it for yourself."
"Jimmy, I don't know what is wrong with growing as a person for whatever reason. Changing is part of life, but you want to be the same exact person forever. There is nothing wrong with that. At least, conquer one of your fears. I am here to help you with all the love I have for you. Wouldn't you like to enjoy vacations in other countries and seeing new things?" Unfortunately for Sara, I do not enjoy going out anywhere. I am happy living at home, going to work, and returning back home.
I am not going to answer her negatively to her question; I'll only focus on my view of love. "Sara. Of course, I have flaws that I am not proud of. I wished I were cool, fearless, talkative, the life of a party, and strong, but I am not. I am not perfect. Love isn't perfect. Those flaws can't be done away like you want or fixed a little bit. I am who I am. I accept you as you are. If you want to accept me as I am, that is your choice. Sara, love is not forever."
"Jimmy, why are you quitting on love? We haven't even broken up. You will see when you get older. Love is what will make life worth living. Maybe, you are the one who is too young to understand that love is real. Your parents are just one example. You can make your own destiny and e
nsure love exists in your life." Sara holds my hand very sweetly. Unfortunately, I am not buying what she is saying. Should I say okay or try to argue with her a bit more? Another attempt at proving she is wrong won't hurt.
"Sara, sharing our feelings is not what will make our relationship last. What will make us a long lasting couple is accepting each other as we are with all our flaws and being good friends. Becoming parents and raising kids will make us a great couple. Forget this fantasy the media calls love. It is perseverance and accepting life isn't perfect that will make this relationship worth something. Love doesn't exist. It is just a word." Sara has a shocked look on her face.
"How can you say love is just a word? Jimmy, are you serious? What's the point of you doing a Valentine's Day card? If you believe love is just a word, you don't truly love me. You are only pretending to love me to have a friend. I don't want a friend. This is not why I invited you to live with me. I don't understand you."
"I never said that I didn't love you, Sara. Hold on. I am trying to explain to you that this concept called "love" is invented by society. It is true. You can't show me a picture of anything in life and say here it is; this is love. It is not a physical object. Love doesn't exist. It is only a word that describes a feeling. You are not going to love me forever. That is impossible. The truth is that 10 years from now, you will see me as a companion that you will share your life with. We will form a family. This belief of eternal love is a fantasy made up by society. I mean everything I said on that Valentine's Day card. I do love you like your parents love you. When I say, "I love you," I mean I want us to be friends forever and form a family together. I can't believe you are having such a hard time understanding what I am saying. This is logical."
"What? You only want to be friends with me. That is not what I signed up for."
"I am infatuated with you now, but my feelings for you won't last forever. I am being honest. I am talking the reality of life. Eventually, I will see you as a friend who I want to have a family with and live together until I die. You will feel this too."
"If you are not in love with me or infatuated like you say, how will I know you won't cheat on me or break up with me?" Sara looks very concerned. Am I speaking French?
"Break up with you? Never. Loving you is the reason why I went out on a date with you. I want us to be together forever."
"Yeah? If a new girl comes along, what guarantee do I have that you won't cheat on me? What if you become in love with a new girl?"
"Again, love is superficial. Love is simply infatuation. I will never act upon my feelings. You are the woman I chose to be with me for life. I will not change you for anyone. I'll keep my thoughts to myself. That other woman will never know I have superficial feelings for her."
"Let me get this straight. You are warning me beforehand that you will fall in love with other women. You're telling me not to worry because you won't act on your superficial feelings?"
"See. This is the problem with you, Sara. You think love is real. There is no such thing as love. I will not fall in love with other women. I will experience the chemical reaction called infatuation. Their pheromones will attract me, but I will never go up to them and say hi or anything. I will be by your side to be the most loyal and best friend you will ever have." Sara is irate with my answer. Her face is turning red.
"I don't know what the hell you are talking about. I will never fall in love with other guys. I will be in love with you forever. You are the one I love with all my heart. There will be no chemical reaction in the world that will attract me to other guys. What have we been doing all these months? Why did you ask me out?"
"Why? It is like you are not listening to me. I asked you out because I care about you. I got along with you very well in college. We can make the most lasting friendship. There is no reason for our relationship to fail. Our friendship will carry us through when we raise our children and grow old."
Very angrily, she screams at me. "You never told me this on our first date! Why didn't you tell me this? I can't believe this! Why did you come into my life?" She is so angry with me, tears fall from her eyes. She covers her face.
Sara does not like my explanation of why there is no such thing as love. I could see it in her eyes when I explained myself. She is really mad at me. I have never seen her like this. She is upset. I imagine she did not like me for mentioning her parents. To her, love is real. Her parents are the living proof.
I hope to see her argue back at me, but she sits there, avoiding me at the table. She orders a cup of wine. She shakes her head in disapproval and avoids eye contact with me. When she receives the cup of wine, she drinks it in one gulp. She is very upset with me, but she shows no signs of wanting to scream at me. She is so upset. Clearly, she is done arguing with me. Her makeup is messed up on her face. This is my fault. I should have said yes to everything she said. I try to touch and console her, but she pushes my arm and hand away. After a long silence, she signals me to leave the restaurant.
We ride together quietly back to her home. We do not exchange words at all. I think what I said has a very damning impact on our relationship. She wants to hear my opinions. When she hears them, she doesn't like them at all. I am not sure what I said to make her upset. I try to replay what happened at the restaurant. I am afraid to say anything else. I might dig myself into a deeper hold. This is Valentine's Day, but it feels like the day I choked the life out of cupid.
"Look, Sara. You are misunderstanding me. You said you wanted my opinion about love. I was discussing love more as a universal concept, having nothing to do with our relationship. I was taking a philosophical perspective. Philosophically, I say that love is a short feeling. The high divorce rates are my evidence. People claim they are in love, and that they will love each other forever. A couple of years later, they are divorcing. Of course, I love you. When I say "love," I mean your vision of love. I explained to you that in theory, I could fall in love with other women. The truth is I am in love with you. I will never have those same feelings for anyone else. You are the only one for me. You are my first and only girlfriend. I will never love anyone else the way I love you." Sara ignores me completely.
When we arrive home, we go directly upstairs to the bedroom. She stops me, as I am about to enter her bedroom.
"Jimmy, I want you to sleep in the other room tonight. I know you won't mind. I am glad that I have someone who is willing to accept me with all my flaws. I am elated to know that I don't have to be a better person for you. Of everything you said tonight, what makes me the happiest woman is that you are ready to be my best friend forever." Sara speaks in a very sarcastic tone.
She is upset, and I don't want to argue anymore today. "Yes, I understand. Goodnight, Sara."
Sara slams the door, and I think what went wrong tonight in the other bedroom. I take my glasses off and lie there on the bed. Why are my lips not tainted in red lipstick? I replay the entire date in my mind. Finally, it hits me. I messed up big time. I told Sara that love is only a word. I understand why she is so mad. I killed the relationship. If love is only a word, then everything I did for Sara these past 7 months was meaningless. My actions were not acts of love. She is right to be upset. I want a friendship. She doesn't want a friendship. She wants a lover forever. What she wants is crazy to me, but to her, I am crazy. I should have never disagreed with her on anything. I should have kept my big mouth shut. Things were better when I didn't talk much. Honesty sucks. I really am an alien who doesn't belong on Earth.
Chapter 8
Since that awful Valentine's night, our love is in a deep coma. The light at the end of the tunnels blinds my eyes everyday. We have been sleeping in separate beds. We have minimal conversations, no kissing, no hugging, and no lovemaking. We haven't made love in the past 4 months. I miss her touch, her lips, her body, and her love. My days are consumed with erotic fantasies of Sara. We say hello and goodbye to each other. That is the highlight of my day, but I know Sara doesn't want me anymore. I dread the day when she
tells me to leave her house because we are no longer a couple. I am not sure why she hasn't done it yet. Maybe her mother, Paula, is still telling my girlfriend to stay with me.
I know the mistake that I made. My inner politician stuck his head out to debate Sara about love. For those not familiar with politics, it is composed of long and drawn out disagreements where parties continue to argue and end without convincing each other about anything. I did not stop arguing at the appropriate time. I argued with her for too long. I needed to stop and agree with Sara. The only way to keep Sara in love was to be a liar. I stopped being a liar on Valentine's Day, and it cost me the only love I ever had. I got caught up in trying to convince her to see things my way. I didn't measure the risks of my honesty. I am not like everyone else. I am too different. What is done is done.
The solution to fixing things with Sara is not straightforward. The most logical comeback for me is to tell her that I do love her with all my heart. When I do this, she will question my sincerity. If I tell her that I love her, she won't believe me. Openly, I declared that love doesn't exist. I locked myself in prison and threw the key away. I am stuck. I can try anyway, but what if I end up saying something even more aggravating? Speaking from the heart can make her end the relationship more quickly. I don't feel love the way she feels it. I am not like her and never will be like her. That is what she wants, but I don't know how to fake the feeling. I feel like a high school student again, afraid of saying something that will scare people away from me.
Sara is on vacation in Mexico while I am alone at her house after visiting my parents. I fought the fear of driving again to see my parents. I missed the days when life was calm without any worries of getting dumped. Spending time with my parents the entire month, I relived my lifestyle, a domestic creature that doesn't go out. There, I lied to my parents about our relationship status going well. When I left my parents, I brought my video game console to play games in Sara's house. I really enjoyed playing video games again when I was at my house. I returned to Sara's house because she returns next week. I haven't cleaned anything this past month.
Life Ain't A Fairy Tale Page 10