Life Ain't A Fairy Tale

by Miguel Rivera

  Before cleaning the house, I procrastinate my cleaning duties. I return to my new bedroom where I sleep alone. I turn on the computer. I surf the Internet. I login to the online social network. I want to see what happened to my annoying friends. Luis is online. I have a visual chat with him.

  "Hey, Luis?"

  "Huh."

  "What do you mean, huh? It's Jimmy. You don't remember me."

  "Yeah. I do."

  "What's up?"

  "Whatever."

  "What is wrong with you, Luis?" His look changed since I last saw him. Now, he is bald, has a grown beard, has tattoos on both arms, and is smoking when speaks with me on chat."

  "Do you really care Jimbo? Really?" He takes a puff of cigar.

  "Fine. You are right. I don't. I am bored as hell, and you're the only one who would have accepted my chat."

  "At least, we are being honest." Luis holds his cigar in his hand.

  "Jimmy, why did you shave your head bald? Those tattoos? Smoking is bad for your lungs."

  "Whatever." He blows the smoke at me.

  "It's been a year. How is everyone?"

  "I don't know."

  "What do you mean you don't know? The wild parties and the clubbing were the norm the last time we met."

  "Yeah. They were. You see. Juan crossed the line. His wife, Maria, dumped him when she caught Juan with another girl. Apparently, he was so stupid that he kept fucking the slut right in her face and told her to join him."

  "Well, if Maria didn't dump him there, they would have been a couple for life."

  "Another day, that son of a bitch crossed the line. Juan started hitting on my girl behind my back. When she told me Juan was molesting her, I got pissed. I went up to his ass and beat the living shit out of it."

  "Really?"

  "Yeah. I beat him down across the bar. Some tables were broken. The cops rushed in and arrested us both. I left him bloodied up." Luis takes another puff of cigar.

  "Where was Justin when all this happened?"

  "I don't know what happened to him. I think he left the bar. He wanted no problems." Luis blows smoke in the form of a rainbow.

  "What happened to you guys?"

  "There are no guys. Those days are over. I chill with my girl and her friends. We have great parties together."

  "I imagine you haven't heard from Juan again, but what about Justin?"

  "Last thing I heard, he got married to this chick, but the chick don't let him go out anymore."

  "Okay. At least, Justin settled down."

  "Yeah. I don't hear from him anymore. I see you're still with your girl, Jimbo."

  "Yes. We are still together." I don't tell Luis about the problems I have. "You look kind of sad, Luis?"

  "Yeah. My cousin passed away. He was my best friend."

  "Sorry to hear that Luis."

  "Yeah. I miss him. Where is your girl?"

  "Oh, she is on vacation in Mexico."

  "Really? You didn't go with her."

  "No. I am scared of airplanes."

  "What if she cheats on you over there?"

  "I don't care if she cheats on me."

  "Well, you can cheat on her now."

  "There is no one to cheat on her with."

  "That's what the whores are for."

  "I don't want to get STDs."

  "Got to go. My wife is going to give me mind-blowing sex. Peace out!"

  "Okay. Bye, Luis. Stop smoking."

  "My wife is the one smoking me tonight." That is a little too much information.

  On the computer, I am left alone with an erection that doesn't go away. I didn't think that I would miss having sex. My body craves for it. I fantasize having sex with Sara. I drool over her pictures on her online profile. I transition from having fantasies about Sara to having fantasies with the women I tutor in college. It is the only thing I think about now. Having hot and steamy sex with a hot chick.

  The doorbell rings this late in the evening. It is very unexpected. My first thought is her parents are coming to check on me. Who else could it be? Maybe, it could be a salesperson. When I look through the window, I see Chad standing there outside. Why is here?

  Opening the door, Chad greets me and tells me that we need to talk. He is as muscular as I remember him, but I know my wrestling. People who work out are obsessed with showing off their bodies. Always wearing tight shirts like Chad. Does Chad know I am a guy? I invite Chad to sit down on the sofa. He declines my offer for a drink or snack.

  "You know, Jimmy. We need to have a serious conversation, a man-to-man talk. I have heard what is going on between you and Sara." I give him a blank stare. He stops as if he expects me to say something. Seeing my silence, he continues, "Well, Sara has been telling me about her problems with you. It is clear you guys aren't getting along. This relationship she has with you is becoming a burden more than an asset. I suggest you dump her. She is such a kind, nice, and wonderful woman. She is too courteous to end the relationship."

  "That is a great suggestion, Chad. It is kind of you to act as a psychologist for me. That being said, I won't end my relationship. Sara will have the last word."

  "Jimmy, Jimmy. Buddy, why are you so stubborn? Since the first day I met you, you are stubborn. I don't know if it is obvious, but Sara and I are close. I have known her a couple of years. She has always been the woman I cared about, but I was too scared to ask her out. When I finally got the courage to ask her out, she was dating you. Sara and I have always been good friends. I assure you that she will be happier with me."

  "Why do you assume I want to make her happy? I decide to play mind games with Chad.

  "Well, Sara tells me you are a great guy. You are one of the finest guys she has ever met."

  "Really? Despite the fact she told you that, you still believe she will be happier with you?"

  "Yeah. I share more things in common with her. I do love dancing and going out. I am more social than you ever will be. I know you are a good-hearted man who will do the right thing."

  "You believe what other people tell you. What if I told you that I am an evil and very bad man? My priority isn't making Sara happy. The only person I care about is myself, and I am okay with my relationship." Chad is taken aback by what I say. If he wants to play the hero of this story, I will let him play the starring role.

  "Oh, really? Okay, I see my purpose here is necessary. Look. What Sara feels for you isn't love. I can see it. She really loves me. Every time we dance on the floor, I can feel the love she feels for me. I know you let me dance with her, and I thank you for that gesture. Do you know what happens ever since you stopped coming with us? We get drunk, very drunk. We hug, kiss, and make out. I feel the love." I see he is an evil hero. Someone who is willing to rat out what Sara does behind my back. Whether it is true, I doubt it.

  "That is great, Chad. I am glad you keep her happy when I am not around. You know, keeping Sara happy for me has really helped our relationship survive. I hope you are more passionate with her the next time you see her." Chad is irritated by my calm reaction. I can see his very disappointed and frustrated face. He wants me to agree with dumping Sara. He is doing a very weak job.

  "Jimmy, I don't know what to say. You are such an understanding boyfriend. I didn't want to tell you this, but that isn't the only thing Sara and I do together. After we party at the club, she has gone to my house. I know you haven't given her sex in quite a while. She had to come to me. You know, I have been satisfying her for many nights. I love it when she licks my cock and puts it in her mouth. I completely melt in her mouth. She savors every minute of it." Chad claims to have had sex with Sara. Who cares? It's not like I am married to Sara.

  "That is great. I heard there is a lot of protein content down there. I want to thank you for keeping Sara nice and healthy. If only you gave me a sex video of you and Sara, I can give you a few suggestions on how to make love with Sara even better." Chad's face is turning red with anger.

  "What the fuck is wrong with you? You deme
nted piece of shit! You are never going to dump her, huh! She is going to miserable with you the rest of her life! What do you want?" He takes a deep breath to relax. He resumes, "I can get you another girlfriend if you like. What makes you happy, Jimmy? I'll make your wish come true." Chad takes a more conciliatory approach after his outburst of anger. I continue to play a game with him.

  "I see you are very desperate and very in love with Sara. I do want to find out if your feelings for Sara are honest and sincere. If you can pass this test I am going to give you, maybe, I will dump her for you." Chad's spirits are raised.

  "Oh, really. I am so glad you are finally seeing things my way. What do I have to do? I'll do anything for Sara."

  "Okay, calm down. You sick love puppy. You have to go to a strip club with me and show me that you are very bored and unexcited." Chad is confused by my proposal.

  "What do you mean bored? Strip club? I don't go to those places."

  "Do you want to be with Sara or not?"

  "Yeah. I do love her, but I don't see how going to a strip club proves anything."

  "It is very simple. Provocative women will be dancing near you. The only thing you have to do is not have fun. Not enjoy the scenery. Have a bored face at all times. Prove to me you don't want anyone else, but Sara."

  "No. I am not going to a strip club. You are crazy. You have issues." Seeing his stubbornness, I challenge him in a way he can't say no to. Men have this superficial honor and crap. They fall into the trap every time.

  "If you don't agree to take my test, you don't have the testicular fortitude to even be a boyfriend."

  "I am a man. I have balls. Fine. I will do it for the love I feel for Sara." With his answer, he already failed in my eyes. He agreed to go to a strip club. Think about it. If he succeeds, I still won't dump her.

  "Okay. It is settled. When will you be ready?"

  "This Saturday night. You tell me the place, and I will be there." Chad leaves the house, and I am alone again.

  This week that passed was the first time I cooked for myself. You can imagine the difficulty I experienced. I knew how to make soup, but actually doing it alone is a different story. First, I heated the pan at the highest flame with water in it. While the water began to boil, I struggled to get the two chicken drumsticks from the frozen packaging with a knife. When the water boiled, I lowered the flame and added the two chicken drumsticks. I poured a tablespoon of salt, sazon, and one cubito de Knorr. Slicing off the cover of the potatoes was a very difficult task. It was not done very well. I almost cut myself a few times with the knife. After 30 minutes of heating the food, I took half a cup of pasta shells and sliced potatoes to pour on the pan with the soup and chicken. I waited another 30 minutes of heating before I ate the soup. It wasn't salty enough, but it was edible.

  My time was also spent on finding a strip club nearby and making phone calls the entire week to enact my plan. I used search engines on the web to find strip clubs nearby. After finding a few, I made a few calls to the strip clubs. After hearing my proposal without the details, they thought I was a prankster and hung up on me. Basically, my plan is to have him at the strip club to see him seduced by the strippers. There is a lot of certainty that Chad will be seduced because he is a guy. Guys are stupid because they let their penis dictate their decisions. If he is seduced at first, I will fake an upset stomach to leave the strip club. This will leave him alone so he can be free to do what he wants. When this happens, a worker will be filming him discretely to get the evidence of him having fun with strippers.

  Personally, I went to the strip club who didn't hang up on me to discuss the details with the manager. I went there early in the afternoon. There was no party at that time of the day. The manager was a 40-year-old blonde and brown-eyed woman dressed in a t-shirt and blue jeans. She looked attractive enough to still be a stripper without embarrassment. She directed me to her office.

  "You are the manager. What is your name?"

  "My name is Jennifer. How may I help you?"

  "Yes. My name is Jimmy. You remember I called you concerning this Saturday night."

  "Yeah. I remember. You challenged him to be bored here. You promised me money. Speak to me."

  "Yes. I would like to know how much it costs to enter the club."

  "It costs $150 dollars per person. You know that already. What exactly do you want us to do that you couldn't tell us over the phone?"

  "Okay. I want someone to film him having fun with strippers. This will prove that he failed my challenge. Don't worry. I will pay you $150.00 for this favor."

  "That's it. I could get in trouble for this."

  "$400.00 dollars." I will be skipping many meals and other fun stuff for the price of this favor.

  "Now, we are talking."

  "I would like to ask if there are women that work here to have sex as well? I won't tell anyone."

  "Sure. There are private rooms where this happens if the money is right."

  "If the guy, his name is Chad, goes there, can you film him there as well?"

  "Yeah. How does he look like?"

  "He is blond, tall, and muscular. He will be next to me. At one point, I will fake having the runs and leave. Film him if he acts naughty from there. Make sure the prettiest women in your strip club dance for him."

  "Why are you doing this?"

  "He doesn't deserve the woman he wants."

  "You are going to unmask him."

  "Yes, exactly."

  "As long as I don't get in trouble and you pay me, I will do it."

  "Great. Thank you. See you this Saturday night. Have a great day."

  While I waited for Saturday to arrive, I spent my time watching soccer games, politics, comedy shows on TV and playing video games. Video game is the only activity that makes me feel like a true hero. Being a hero is as big a lie as believing in love. The comedy shows made me laugh. Politics kept me informed of who were the good politicians and the bad ones. I enjoyed the arguing between them. When it came to cleaning Sara's house, I procrastinated.

  Late Saturday night, Chad and I arrive at the strip club. I have a pretty good idea of how a strip club looks like. The loud music is as loud as the club I used to go to with Sara and her friends. The scene is a lot different compared to the quiet and empty club I saw when I spoke with Jennifer. Many guys look like jerk faces. What is a guy that old doing here? He should have retired with dignity a long time ago. Chad and I are the classiest men here. The women are very attractive. Chad doesn't have a chance.

  To my surprise, Chad looks very bored and uncomfortable. I have my eye on him the whole time. The stripper dances sensually on the pole, rotating her hips. Athletically, she swings on the pole from side to side. She climbs the pole and hangs from her legs upside down. The woman near Chad crawls towards him. She turns her back to him and shakes her buns up and down. Still, Chad has a serious look on his face. He is a lot tougher than I expected. If it were Luis, Juan, or Justin, they would be drooling already and putting dollar bills on her thong.

  Seeing Chad's resistance, I fake my stomach aches to leave the strip club. I hold my stomach and pretend to feel sick. Chad asks me what is wrong. I tell him that I am not feeling well, and that I will come back after I go to the restroom. Instead of going to the restroom, I immediately leave to drive back home. I don't know what will happen, but I will call tomorrow to see if Chad got caught.

  Early Sunday afternoon, I call Jennifer to find out what happened. "Good afternoon, is this Jennifer?"

  "Yeah. You are Jimmy, right?"

  "Yes. How are you? Did Chad fall into the trap?"

  "I am fine. Thank you. He sure did. After he asked someone about what happened to you, he got wild. He even paid more money for a private lap dance. It was more than a lap dance."

  "Yes. I knew this would happen. When are you going to send me the email about statistics?" Statistics is code for Chad's video going wild with the strippers.

  "Statistics? Oh, yeah. You will get an email for that." />
  "Thank you so much for your help."

  "You're welcome."

  At 7:00 pm., Chad is knocking on the door and calling me. I don't want to see this guy again. He is insistent, but I am equally as insistent in not opening the door. The phone rings. The caller ID reveals it is Chad calling me. I ignore the phone calls as well. After 10 minutes, he leaves me alone.

  Late Sunday night, not wanting to clean the house yet, I decide to look at girls in bikini on the Internet. I randomly search for hot models in bikinis. After browsing through many pictures, I become titillated with many different women in skimpy bikinis and thongs. Those round and symmetrical buns look so tempting. I wish to have a set of buns sitting on my lap right now. Some of the women have nice and round boobies. They look so hot.

  Everything that looks round feels good to me, but I also find pictures of women that are not of my liking. Some of their booties look unnatural; it is as if the law of gravity is gone. Their booties stick out upward with their skin fully stretched. Some faces aren't very pretty or sexy either. When I look at past pictures of the women I did enjoy, I do not feel satisfied anymore. I want more quality. I lose the energy that I felt when I initially started looking at models in skimpy bikinis.

  Images of a Colombian model in skimpy bikinis awaken my sexual desires again. That is a whole lot of woman. I desire her so much. I want her in my arms giving me passionate sex with her nipples in my mouth. Those meaty legs of her and that gorgeously round butt she has. Oh my goodness. I want a piece of that. My erection confirms how much I want her.

  This reminds me of the photo shoot of another Colombian model. She sprang out of the water in the pool, her skin and hair all wet, and sat on the ledge when I was a teenager. On TV, she looked so sexy, titillating, provocative, and attractive doing such a simple act. I recorded that photo shoot. I used to rewind the tape and put her in slow motion getting out of the pool. Just thinking about her drives me crazy. I need to have sex with a woman like that.