It’s my turn to shake my head, to let him know this isn’t right. This isn’t fucking fair, no matter what he thinks. This is cruel and painful and I want him to go. Before he kills me once and for all. ‘I need you to leave, Jon.’
‘Tell me you didn’t think about me, every time you closed the door on me. When you were tucking those twenty pound notes into your purse tell me you didn’t wish things had been different. And they could have been different, Kate…’
‘Don’t call me that.’
I’m angry now. I’m so angry I forget all about the tears still streaming down my face, I just want him gone.
‘Kate is dead. She ceased to exist the second your bastard best friend took what wasn’t his to take…’
‘That wasn’t my fault…’
‘I didn’t say it was. I’m just telling you that the woman you think I still am, I’m not her. She died, and she isn’t ever coming back, so you need to go. You’ve had a wasted journey.’
I finally find the strength I need to move away from the wall and start walking back towards the club, until his hand on my arm stops me again. But I don’t turn around. I’m not looking at him, I’m not doing that.
‘You think she’s dead, huh? You really think you aren’t that woman anymore? The woman I have loved since fucking high school? You really think you aren’t her? Because I think you are. I know you are. Kira Blu – the escort; the woman who fucked for money and hid behind those beautiful barriers for far too many years, she’s just a front. She’s the one who doesn’t exist.’
‘You’re wrong,’ I whisper, but I still refuse to turn around. I can’t look at him, it’s too dangerous. ‘You’re so wrong.’
I shake my arm free of his touch and walk away.
Back to The Playroom.
Back to my fucked-up life.
Back to where I need to be.
This is my world now.
This is who I am.
As far as I’m concerned Jon Ryan never existed.
What we had never happened.
It never happened…
Nineteen
Neal
Where the fuck is she? I’ve scoured the entire club half a dozen fucking times and there’s no sign of her. Shit! What kind of fucked-up night has this turned into?
‘Alan, you seen Kira?’
He’s the only person I haven’t asked, because he’s just started his shift, but he might have seen her. Jesus, someone has to have seen her.
‘I saw her by the bar, about five minutes ago. She looked a little upset, if you don’t mind me saying. Was gonna go ask if she was OK, but not sure it’s my place to do that.’
I feel my stomach twist itself into a knot, but I try to keep a grateful smile on my face. ‘Thanks, for letting me know. I’d better go find her.’
But by the time I reach the bar she isn’t there. Once again she’s disappeared, and that knot in my stomach pulls tighter.
I head back to my office. If she’s left the club maybe I can catch her on CCTV, unless she’s headed up to Bam-Bams. Which is a possibility. If she’s upset she might have gone to see Joey.
By the time I reach my office my head’s about as messed-up as it can get, and my heart’s aching with a real fucking pain that’s taken over my entire chest. I’ve never felt so sick and frustrated and desperate. She’s got me so freaking wound up, man, I can’t take it no more.
‘Hey, baby.’
The sound of her voice causes my head to shoot up and it’s like someone just turned a light on inside of me. She’s there, right in front of me, and she’s beautiful and damaged and I just want to hold her and touch her and kiss all the crap away.
‘Hey, gorgeous.’
She walks over to me, and as she comes closer I see she’s crying, and my heart breaks a million times over. Christ. What the fuck have I done to her?
‘Kira, baby…’
She slides a hand around the back of my neck and kisses me, so softly I barely feel it and I grasp her hips tightly, desperate to hold on to her, to keep her close. And I can feel her tears on my skin as we kiss, and I never want to let her go. This girl is my world, my entire fucking life, but she’s still scared of something. I am, too. I guess I was just hoping we could face whatever it is together. Me and her.
‘I didn’t want to make you unhappy, Kira.’
She smiles weakly and drops her gaze, shaking her head, but she keeps her arms loosely around my neck. And the brief silence that follows – it’s almost too much. It’s giving me time I don’t need, don’t want, to think about what could be going on here.
‘You don’t make me unhappy, Neal.’
She raises her head and her eyes, they’re still so full of a sadness I really hope I haven’t caused. Tears are still falling slowly down her face and I gently brush them away, and she smiles, and suddenly my world is a beautiful place again.
‘You take away the pain. You make it all OK.’
I return her smile and kiss more of those tears away, and every part of me is crying out to ask her to marry me, to make her stay with me. But I’m sensing now isn’t the time to revisit that one. I’m not letting it go, though. I can’t. She’s gonna be mine, and we’re gonna live out our own kind of forever, together.
‘Fuck me, Neal.’
I look at her, right into her tired, sad eyes and for once I’m not sure I should do what she wants. It feels kinda wrong, to fuck her when she’s so emotional. But there’s another part of me that’s crazy-turned on by it all. How sick am I becoming?
‘You sure?’
I have to ask. I have to know she really wants me; wants this.
She nods, and smiles, but it’s another weak smile. And yet it still manages to light up her beautiful face. ‘I need you, Neal. Right now, I really need you.’
I gently stroke the hair from her face as I back her up against the wall, and all the time my eyes never leave hers. She knows I love to look at her when we fuck. When I push inside her I like to watch her expression change, watch her bite down on her lip, Jesus, my cock’s hard just thinking about it.
I slide a hand up under her dress and tug down her panties, sinking to my haunches as they drop to the floor and she steps out of them, kicking them aside. I watch as she grabs the hem of her dress and pulls it upwards, above her thighs, over her hips, revealing that beautiful, warm, wet heaven I dream about, constantly.
Standing up, I lean into her, resting my mouth against her neck, her skin soft and cool beneath my lips, her quiet moans and tiny sighs the most wonderful sound. But I want to hear her cry out loud; scream my name as I take her. The way her fingers are digging into my arms is telling me she wants that, too, and I can’t really hold out any longer anyway. I need to be back where I belong – inside her incredible body, her tight pussy walls gripping my cock like a smooth, soft vice.
She buries her fingers in my hair as I continue to kiss her neck, moving my mouth upwards until it reaches hers, and I lift her up, and she wraps those unending legs around my hips with so much ease it’s like they belong there. And as I enter her she’s still crying, the tears are still streaming down her face but I don’t stop. She doesn’t want me to, she’s telling me to keep going, so I continue to push into her, each thrust making her cry even more and I’m so fucking confused. But she wants this, she’s still telling me to fuck her, harder, to thrust deeper, and no matter what my head is telling me, my cock’s in total control of this one. It’s doing exactly as she says and I can already feel that beautiful, burning sensation start to work its way through my body. It’s coming, and so am I, in long, deep waves and she’s clinging on to me, and she’s still crying, and I just can’t get my head around this whole freaking night.
I just know that something happened.
Something shifted.
Something changed.
Something…
Twenty
Kira
I don’t know where he is, but I know he won’t have left New York. And that’s what scar
es me. Because if he’s still here, then I’m at risk of losing everything. I’m not strong, when he’s around. The past proves just how weak I am when he’s near me. Jon Ryan. A ghost I should have exorcised a long time ago.
‘You OK?’
I turn around and smile as he walks towards me. Neal Cannon. My safety net. A man I’m lying to, because I have to. He doesn’t need to know about me and Jon, nobody does. Not even Joey. If he’d needed to know I would have told him, when it was happening. But I can handle this, without anyone else having to know.
‘I’m fine.’
It’s almost time to open the doors of The Playroom for another night. Our public Playroom, that is. And this club of ours, it’s going from strength to strength. We’ve developed an almost cult-like status in the short time we’ve been open, attracting a core group of people who love the dark, underground vibe this place exudes. I like that, too. I like the danger. I like the atmosphere. I like the fact I can be who the hell I like down here and nobody can get to me. Or, that’s what I thought. Until he walked in here, and made me realise nothing’s safe. I’m not safe. Not anymore.
‘You sure about that?’
I slide a hand around his neck and lean in to kiss him. He tastes of mint toothpaste, which isn’t surprising. Not ten minutes ago he had his head between my legs and his tongue inside me, and my stomach contracts at the memory still so fresh in my mind. But that memory is overtaken all too quickly by the cold reality of my dark, desperate past, and the fact he’s here. In my new city; my new home.
‘I’m just tired. We’ve really got to learn to sleep between sex, huh?’
He smiles, and I feel a little bit better. But I know that until I’m sure Jon’s out of here, that’s a temporary feeling. I can’t help but be on my guard now. He shouldn’t have been able to get inside The Playroom as easily as he did, but I know that keeping him out won’t work. He found a way in once, and he’ll do it again. He won’t let me go, but I wish with all my heart that he would. Because I can’t guarantee anything now.
‘Kira? Baby, you’re not in the room with me here, darlin’.’
I look at him, and I try desperately to rid my mind of Jon and those memories he’s made me unwillingly dredge back up; the guilt and the pain and the crushing sadness; the incredible pleasure being with him used to make me feel. Until the danger got too much. Until I knew I had to walk away; cut those ties.
‘I’m sorry. I guess I’m a little distracted.’
‘Something you want to talk about? Because I’m here, baby, you know that, don’t you?’
I wish I could tell him everything. But it really wouldn’t do any good.
‘No.’ I shake my head and my fingers lightly stroke the back of his neck as I kiss him again, a distraction, but a beautiful one. Kissing him makes everything seem alright, even if it’s just for a minute or two. ‘I was just thinking, about getting up there myself tonight.’
‘On stage?’
He frowns, but I don’t know why. It’s not unusual for me to don my mask and dark wig; turn myself into yet another alter-ego. And tonight I really feel like doing that again. I think I need to do that. I need to become someone else, just for a little while. I need to detach myself from the fear, just for a few minutes.
‘You don’t want me to?’
‘No, I just… Alone?’
‘I don’t know yet. Maybe with Kandi-Ann. Unless you want to…?’
I smile, and he smiles too, laughing quietly as I drop a hand and rest it against his cock. ‘You are such a fucking tease, Ms Blu.’
‘You complaining, Mr Cannon?’
‘Oh, baby, no. I ain’t complaining, darlin’.’
He takes me by the hips and swings me around, pushing me back against the wall of the secluded area at the back of the club – the place reserved for public sex and the voyeurs who want to watch. There’s just me and Neal here right now, but once those doors have opened it’ll be just minutes before people are rutting away like rabid dogs, getting off on the fact anyone can see them. Anyone can watch. And that thought still turns me on like crazy. I’ve fucked Kandi-Ann in front of a crowd, but fucking Neal while people look on – I’m wet just thinking about it.
‘Lie down,’ he murmurs, and I don’t argue. I lower myself down on to the black leather sofa beside me, aware that the club has just opened; I can hear people coming in as the music’s turned up louder, the lighting dims, and the whole atmosphere changes. But it doesn’t matter. We’re here now. We’re going to do this, regardless.
I lie back and close my eyes as he slowly slides my knickers down, and then he spreads my legs and opens me wide, resting his hand against me and I moan long and low as a wave of pleasure engulfs me. I stretch my arms up above my head, winding my fingers together as he continues to touch me, probing and stroking as his mouth grazes my collar bone, working its way up until he’s leaving a trail of feather-light kisses across my jaw line and it’s beautiful. It’s so fucking beautiful, and that moan turns into an almost guttural groan as he slowly slides his fingers inside me, causing my body to jerk slightly as he pushes deep, so fucking deep he almost has his whole hand in me.
‘OK?’ he murmurs in my ear and I nod. I’m so turned on I can’t even think about stopping now.
I throw my head back and bite down on my lip as his fingers thrust in and out of me, fast, then slow, changing the rhythm, taunting me almost, pushing me towards a killer climax, the anticipation making me dizzy. And then he pulls out, and I feel a wave of emptiness swamp me, but I know it’s just temporary. He isn’t done yet, neither of us are.
‘Open your eyes, Kira,’ he whispers, and I do as he says. He’s running this show, I do what he wants. ‘Good girl.’
He runs his hand from my ankle to my thigh, pushing my leg back just a touch and my stomach clenches in delicious anticipation as I wait for that glorious moment when he enters me, which he does with slow, beautiful precision. And I still don’t know if anyone is watching, I’m not aware of anyone around us, but a part of me hopes someone’s here. I hope someone’s watching us.
He keeps his hand on my thigh as our bodies move together in almost perfect synchronisation; a slow, steady rhythm that he’s controlling, and that’s fine with me. I just need to feel him there inside me, that’s all I want. And then he hooks a hand around my waist and pulls me up so I straddle him, and we’re facing each other, and he’s still inside me, and it’s the most incredible feeling as we fuck outside in our own club with music pounding out around us and the sound of a busy crowd piercing our moans and cries.
And then I’m coming; I’m coming so fast and so hard, pushing down on him as those white-hot tingles flood my body and the cries that escape me are loud and low, emanating from the very depths of my soul. He’s pulling every moan out of me, dragging them from me with each final, harsh thrust before he comes too, and we hold each other as our bodies react, our hearts beating like they’re trying desperately to escape the confines of our chests, until I feel his hand gently rest in the small of my back. That’s when everything starts to slow down, and I rest my forehead against his as he laughs quietly and kisses me, quickly at first, before that kiss becomes longer and slower; deeper and dirtier.
‘Marry me, Kira.’
I look at him, but this time I don’t feel that same fear and panic I felt yesterday. That’s gone. I don’t really know what I’m feeling, I just know that I want him, I do. I really do, but, marrying him… Kira Cannon… Jesus, how old am I? Sixteen? But I can’t. I still can’t think about marrying anyone. I can’t. And as I look at him, I think he gets it. And the disappointment that floods his face almost tears me in two, but I’m not going to make him promises I really can’t keep. I’m not going to hurt him like that. ‘One day at a time, Neal. Please.’
His fingers stroke the back of my neck and he smiles, but I’m not sure it reaches his eyes, and I feel like I’ve just dealt him some kind of real, physical blow. But I can’t deal with this right now. I just want us t
o be together, without the pressure and the expectation. We’re good, that way. We don’t need marriage. And he’ll see that. One day.
I run my fingers through his hair and we kiss again. And again. We’re kissing away that conversation; reverting back to how we were just minutes before, because that’s where I need to be. I want to sit here all night, straddling his hard, hot thighs and kissing him until my mouth aches, but I don’t want to marry him. I just can’t tell him why.
‘I love you, Kira. And I’m gonna keep on telling you that until you give in to me.’
Obsession (Forbidden #2) Page 20