I smile, and gently touch his cheek with my palm, but I don’t say anything. I know he loves me. And I know he’ll keep on telling me that, but I’m not sure persistence is going to change my mind. Not yet. It’s still too soon.
I climb off him and pull my dress back down, leaning over him to retrieve my knickers from his shirt pocket.
‘Come on, handsome. We’ve got a club to run.’
He stands up and places a hand on my hip, swinging me round into his arms, and that’s when I realise we weren’t alone. A few people are already here, in this small, secluded area where the lighting’s low but the action is hot. So someone, they saw us, they watched what we were doing, and that sends a shiver of excitement ripping through me.
‘Kira… what happened yesterday…’
Yesterday. That one word has just brought all the reality I’m trying so hard to push aside right back to hit me, like a heavy punch to the stomach. ‘Yesterday is history, Neal. OK?’
I only wish I could believe that. Because I know yesterday is still waiting to catch up with me. What happened yesterday is still hanging over me like a dark, ominous cloud, and I don’t know when or if that storm is ever going to hit…
Neal
She’s still saying no. And maybe I am running too fast with this one, but I don’t think she realises just how scared I am, of losing her. She has no idea… I’m fucking terrified. She wants me to back off, but I’m not sure I can do that, given the way things are now. The things that are happening; the crazy situation we now find ourselves in. She wants to take this one day at a time, but I’m not sure that’s a luxury I can afford. Given what I’ve just found out.
I leave her in the club, talking to Alan, and make my way to the office. I’ve got to get my head back in the business game for some phone call with my lawyer. I can’t understand why he’s calling me so late, but he seemed pretty keen for me to hear him out. Said it couldn’t really wait until morning.
I close the door behind me and take a second to pull myself together, leaning back against the wall as I take several deep breaths. I’ve just fucked the most beautiful woman in anyone’s world, out there, in our own public playroom. Jesus Christ! I really did that! And it felt freaking amazing, taking her while others watched. Maybe next time she needs to be naked, though. Let everyone see that nigh-on perfect body as it takes me deep and holds me there, inside her crazy-tight pussy.
I take another deep breath and push a hand through my hair as I walk over to the tray of liquor in the corner of the room and pour myself a shot of whiskey. I need the alcohol hit, although, I’m kinda high already. Just touching her does that to me.
I swallow the shot down in one but decide to wait until after this phone call before I pour myself another one. So I head over to my desk and walk behind it, but I don’t sit down. I just stand there, my hands in my pockets as I stare at the top drawer, my fingers twirling the key that opens it between them, over and over again. I know what’s in there. And I know I need to face up to that; to deal with it. To believe that it happened. But I just need a couple more seconds…
I finally pull the key from my pocket and unlock the drawer, taking out the envelope of photographs I keep in there – the ones I don’t want blown up and put on display. Yeah, it’s almost ironic, isn’t it, that I’m quite prepared for her to go out there and open her legs for everyone to see as she fucks her friend and takes it all off in public, even if her disguise means everyone might not realise it’s her doing those things. And I’m quite prepared for some photographs of her – some photographs of us – to be displayed out there on those walls; photographs of her naked and wet, alone, and with me buried inside her. But there are some parts of Kira Blu I still want to keep all to myself.
I sit down and pick up the photograph on the top of the pile, staring down at it. She looks beautiful, and dirty as fuck, that hot-as-hell tattoo of hers almost jumping off her lightly tanned skin it’s so vivid. And she’s staring right at me, her green eyes alive and wide, her legs open, so far apart I can see it all. Jesus! Even from a photograph she can get my cock hard in super-quick time.
I throw my head back for a second and take another long, deep breath as I slide that photograph to the back of the pile. Breathing out, I open my eyes and look back down at the photos in my hand; at the photo staring back at me now. This one’s still of Kira. She’s still there, and she’s still beautiful, and I still want to marry that woman if it freaking kills me. But this photograph – she isn’t alone, in this one. And I don’t know whether she was aware of the CCTV camera by the back door; we have them everywhere, we need to, for security purposes. And I don’t know if she was aware that from where she was standing...
I close my eyes again, just briefly. But when I open them nothing’s changed. She’s still standing there, in that photograph, and she’s with another man. And he’s kissing her. He’s touching her. And it’s breaking my fucking heart but I can’t look away.
I don’t know who he is.
She obviously does.
But Kira Blu is gonna marry me.
She’s gonna marry me.
And I’m gonna do everything in my fucking power to make sure nobody gets in the way of that happening.
Twenty-One
Kira
I don’t think I need Kandi-Ann up there with me tonight. I feel like going it alone. I’m in that kind of mood. Having sex with Neal like we did just now, it’s kind of calmed me. I certainly don’t feel as on edge as I did earlier, even if I’m all too aware that so much shit could still hit the fan, if I’m not careful.
In fact, my mood has lightened so much that I practically skip all the way up to Bam-Bams. I feel like a little bit of Joey-style escapism before I take to The Playroom stage and strip for the crowd.
‘Why are you looking so happy?’ Joey asks, his tone almost suspicious as I slide up on to a bar stool and order a champagne cocktail from the gorgeous Chico.
I must be good at hiding the nerves I still feel at Jon’s reappearance if Joey really can’t see them. He’s usually quite perceptive when it comes to my moods. I guess I must be becoming a better actress than I thought.
‘No reason. I’ve just had a good day, that’s all.’
‘Really?’
Oh. There it is. That slight hint of suspicion. I knew he wouldn’t be able to keep it down. ‘Yeah. Really.’ I sip my cocktail and look at him above the rim of my glass. ‘Benni here tonight?’
‘He’s sorting out the order of shows. You just come up here for the small talk?’
‘Yes, actually. I’ve decided to do a bit of a show myself in a little while, so, I thought I’d come see you first. I mean, we haven’t really had a lot of time together lately, have we?’
‘No, we haven’t. And what kind of show? You and Brunette Barbie going at it again, hmm?’
I shake my head and take another sip of my drink. ‘No. Flying solo tonight.’
He just raises an eyebrow, and says nothing. I know he still thinks I’m drifting back into a world he’s not entirely sure I should be inhabiting, but it isn’t like that. This is different. This is very different.
‘Blue Eyes OK?’
‘He’s fine.’
‘Anything else you want to tell me?’
‘Like what?’
He slides up on to the stool next to me and fixes me with a look that tells me he knows something I don’t. Which makes me more than slightly nervous.
‘Someone came looking for you earlier, Kira.’
My stomach suddenly dips so low I can’t hide the shock on my face. And Joey jumps on that, of course he does.
‘Who is he?’
‘Nobody.’
He moves a little closer to me, and I feel all that calmness flood out of me, so quickly it leaves me breathless. ‘Don’t give me that shit, Kira. This is me you’re talking to. Who is he?’
‘Nobody.’
I’m standing my ground here. I’m not doing this.
‘No secrets. We ha
ve no secrets, angel. Or, we had no secrets. Because I’m guessing that whoever that man is, the one with the messed-up hair and the cocky smile… I’m guessing he’s one hell of a secret.’
I’ve got no choice now, have I? I can’t just walk away from this, he won’t let me. He’ll just drag me back and make me tell him, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to say the words out loud, what we did, me and Jon – I don’t want to talk about it.
‘He was a friend of Simon’s.’
But I might have to.
‘Jesus Christ, Kira…’
The colour just runs from Joey’s face, and I know that because he doesn’t have his make-up on yet.
‘No, Joey, it’s nothing like that. Simon he – he doesn’t know where I am. He doesn’t know about any of this.’
That doesn’t seem to placate him any, and I really can’t back down now. I’ve opened the box, and my secret’s about to be exposed.
‘Any of what? What’s going on, Kira?’
‘Not here, Joey. I’m not doing this here.’
He takes my hand and almost drags me off my stool, pulling me through the club until we reach his private dressing room. ‘Who the hell is he, Kira?’
He locks the door behind us and I lean back against the wall. I’m not ready to do this. But it would seem Jon is doing his utmost to make sure I have no choice. ‘His name’s Jon. Jonathon James Ryan.’ I drop my gaze and swallow hard because I’m not sure I can do this. I’m just not ready.
‘Kira? Talk to me, kiddo. Because you don’t get out of this room until I know who that man is and what the fuck he’s doing here.’
I lift my head and look at him, but his expression is one of worry, not anger. But he should be angry. I lied to him, for ten years. I lied to myself for even longer. ‘We were at school together. Me, him, and Simon.’
‘He’s got a slight scouse accent…’
‘He moved from Liverpool to the north east, to our village, when he was fifteen. His dad was a barrister and he’d – he’d just become a partner in a law firm based in Newcastle. His parents, they’d wanted to move to a more rural location, apparently. They wanted a quieter life because Jon – he’d got in with a bad crowd back home. Got himself into the kind of trouble families like his don’t tolerate. And I think – I can’t remember, not really, but I’m sure he once told me they had relatives in Northumberland. But they fitted into our village almost straightaway. Well, his parents did, anyway. They were the kind of people the locals loved having around – rich, intelligent, well-mannered with good careers and expensive cars. And all our parents, they became really friendly with each other, so, it kind of stood to reason that me and Simon would become friends with Jon, too. And he was different, you know? To all the other kids in the village. He was a bit of a bad boy. He had that edge, that charm; he had attitude. But he was also funny and kind and… he was like a breath of fresh air in our stale, mundane lives.’
‘Why did you never mention him to me, Kira?’
I look back down at the floor, and I fold my arms against me, and that’s a conscious, defensive action on my part. I don’t want Joey coming too close. I don’t want him near me, when I tell him this. ‘Because it was a mess, Joey. All of it. It was one big, fucking mess. And I just wanted to forget any of it had ever happened.’
He says nothing for a few seconds, but I know he isn’t going to leave it there. I know I’m going to have to tell him everything.
‘I told you I’d never really been in love before, didn’t I? Before Neal.’ I slowly raise my gaze, my eyes meeting Joey’s, and he’s confused now. And he’s looking at me as though I’m a stranger to him, and that kills me, but I can’t blame him. I promised him we’d never have secrets, and yet here I am, telling him I had a secret all along. Something I never told him. But I never told anyone. Nobody knew. Nobody could. ‘But I loved him. I loved Jon. And he loved me.’
I have to look away, because if I don’t I’m going to start crying and that’s the last thing I want. But this is making me remember – making me re-live so much crap I never wanted to go back to.
‘Nothing went on, not for a long time. He could see me and Simon were being pushed together, and at first he thought I was OK with that. He thought that was what I wanted, so he kept his distance, as much as he could. But we were friends, so we still spent a lot of time together. So keeping his distance, it didn’t last. And we couldn’t stay apart. We couldn’t do it. We were constantly being thrown together at family gatherings, friends’ weddings, birthdays... We moved in the same circles, he was Simon’s best friend…’
I throw my head back and swallow hard again, closing my eyes as I push my hands back and forth through my hair. And I can already feel that weakness surging forward, that lack of control, that pain. I can feel it all, and I hate it. All of it. I hate him for doing this, for coming here; for making me feel all those things I vowed I’d never feel again. It wasn’t just Simon who made me cold and bitter; who made me scared to give myself to anyone again. It wasn’t just Simon who did that to me. Jon did, too. And his way was just as painful, just as terrifying. But I could have avoided his way. For that I have no one to blame but myself.
‘Kira…’
‘No, Joey, please. Don’t – don’t touch me, OK? Please. Just – just let me get this out. I need – I need to get this out.’
I briefly close my eyes again as I sink to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest as I try to keep those unwelcome tears at bay. I’m not crying over him, I’m not doing that. He doesn’t get to do that to me, not now, not after all this time.
‘But he knew, you know?’
My voice is quiet, but it’s all I can manage – this low whisper.
‘He saw through my act. Eventually. And he knew I didn’t really want to be with Simon.’
Joey crouches down in front of me, and I don’t put up a fight this time. I let him stay where he is, because it actually makes me feel safer. It makes me feel like I can do this, now.
‘He tried to get me to leave him – to leave Simon. He wanted us to go away together, start again…’ I open my eyes but I don’t look at Joey. I can’t. And I haven’t even got to the worst bit yet – the bit that makes me out to be weak and stupid and more flawed than any woman should be. But I still can’t look at him. I just hope to God that he’ll still be able to look at me, once I’ve told him everything. Or as much as I’m willing to tell. ‘But I wouldn’t go. I couldn’t. And I wanted to, Jesus, I wanted to. But I knew that if I did that, if we left together…’ I shake my head, because saying all of this out loud, it makes me realise how weak I really was back then. How much I let others control me. ‘I had to be with Simon. Anything else wasn’t an option.’
‘Oh Kira, angel, it was, surely you can…’
My head snaps around, and I glare at him. And it must have been one slightly-crazed stare because Joey visibly flinches. ‘I had to be with Simon, Joey. At that time, I had no choice. I had to stay with Simon.’
It’s his turn to drop his gaze, and I feel a rush of guilt flood through me.
‘Joey, I’m… I’m sorry. I just… Jon turning up like this… I don’t know how to handle it. I really don’t.’
He throws me a small smile, and I try to return it but I’m not sure my face is willing. ‘What happened, Kira?’
I bow my head, my hands clasping my knees tight. ‘We had an affair. I may not have been brave enough to go with him, to leave everything behind, I… I couldn’t do that. But I couldn’t leave him alone, either. We needed to be together, somehow. So we had an affair. It went on for years, almost all the time I was with Simon I was sleeping with Jon. I just thought, you know, that one day it would come to a natural end – when I eventually learned to love Simon. I honestly thought that would happen. It had to. I convinced myself it had to, because loving Simon, marrying Simon, that was going to make everyone happy. If they’d known what was going on with Jon, all hell would have broken loose. But we couldn’t stay away from each ot
her. We just couldn’t do it.’
‘Did Simon find out? I mean, was that why…?’
I shake my head, and I still can’t look at him. ‘No. What happened with Simon – what he did to me, that had nothing to do with Jon. We were very good at covering our tracks, at making sure we kept well clear of the village whenever we met. We used hotels way out of town, little bed and breakfasts or stark, faceless chains – the kind of places we knew our parents, or their friends, would never frequent. We took no risks. We gave no one any reason to think we were anything other than friends. But he begged me, Joey… when he found out the way Simon was treating me… and I didn’t want to tell him, but he saw a bruise…’ I stop talking and swallow back another hard lump in my throat. ‘He saw a bruise. On my upper arm. He saw that, and I tried to pretend it was nothing, that I’d just bumped it falling off one of the horses, but he…’
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