The Switch

by Diane Whiteside

  She sat up finally. Their eyes met and he remembered Tiffany’s doctor at Walter Reed Hospital, talking about the blood vessels in Tiffany’s brain that could rupture and kill her at any time. That man had worn the same sorrowful, resigned look that Beth had now.

  Sean waited for her to speak, truly frightened now. He hadn’t been this cold inside before, even when he waited to jump onto that heavily-defended Panamian airfield from less than five hundred feet.

  “Sean, what I want isn’t something you can obtain. You either have it or you don’t.”

  “Beth honey, just tell me.” He kept his voice low and soothing.

  “You’re a damn fine submissive male, Sean. Masculine and challenging. You’re going to be a splendid sensation slut, devouring every impulse that comes in from your five senses. But that’s not enough.”

  She swallowed hard before she continued.

  “I want…No, need a switch. Someone who can do either dominance or submission. Someone who enjoys taking, just as much as being taken, just at different times.”

  He saw her face clearly in the reflected light from a streetlamp. Her eyes were implacable above the glimmering tracks of her tears.

  “You’re not a switch, Sean. You’re marvelous, magnificent, superb. Some other woman will be very lucky to have you. But I’m not going to lie to myself again, as I did with Genichi, that only one side of my personality needs to be happy. I can’t play the dominant all the time, even for you. Please forgive me for saying this; I don’t mean to hurt you. But you’re a submissive male, not a switch.”

  The last words hit him like bullets. His eyes narrowed. He’d never given up without a fight before. He damn well wasn’t walking away this time, not when it mattered more than life.

  “I can take you. Remember the first night?” Jeez, they fit together so well, no matter what they did. He’d had plenty of experience in the Army with teams that worked and ones that didn’t work. He’d seen the results of both often enough to know how rare and priceless the right team was. Beth was the one woman for his future.

  “Did you do that because you wanted to? Or because I goaded you into it, by flaunting my wealth and importance?”

  “Does that matter?” He answered her question with another.

  “I need a man who dominates me sometimes, just because he wants to. Not because he’s trying to please me. Do you understand the difference?”

  “Yes.” He cursed his inability to make a pretty speech, now when it mattered so much. He’d always been better at actions. Hell, she probably took his silence as consent. His brain whirled while she went on. Jeez, how could he convince her?

  “Even my ancestors are divided on this road to choose. My Japanese side says that a woman should always follow her man. My Scottish side says that a strong woman can be a partner and even take the lead.”

  The limo pulled to a stop and the driver got out. The clock said ten pm.

  “Beth, we can work it out. I’ve mastered harder situations than this. I know we care about each other.” He took her by the shoulders, willing her to trust him and his belief in the future.

  “That’s why we should say goodbye now, while we’re still friends. I’m sure you’ll have a great life without me.” Her voice broke a little on the last two words.

  The chauffeur opened the door and Sean shook her a little, desperate to crack her resolve.

  “I don’t know everything about you and you don’t know everything about me. But you never do know everything about the other person! I’m sure that I can be the man you need.”

  “You haven’t shown me that, darling. I’m sorry, truly I am! But if you want to do something for me, then find somebody else and be happy. Please.” She put a finger over his mouth, stopping any words that he might find. Her throat worked convulsively before she went on. “Let’s just call it quits before anyone really gets hurt. Now I’m going to visit my parents and you’re going back to your son. You’ll be happy, I know you will.” She held out her hand, completely ignoring his fingers biting into her shoulders. “Good-bye, Sean.”

  “I love you.” The words came without thought, blazing against the despairing agony that racked him. He’d been lonely for years and survived. He couldn’t go back to that, now that he’d lived with true companionship.

  She flinched, her hand falling back. She removed herself to the other end of the seat. He saw his future sliding out of his hands. “That’s what you think now but you’ll forget about me. You have to, Sean.”

  Sean looked into Beth’s eyes one more time. He’d lost the opening salvo but the campaign had only just begun.

  “Just remember that Rangers never quit.”

  Sean let go of her and climbed out of the limo. He turned back for a few last words from the sidewalk.

  “I won’t say good-bye, Beth, because I’ll be seeing you again soon.” Sean was more certain of that than what he’d do when they met. “Just, good night and sleep well.”

  She flinched and then held out her hand to him. “Do please take care of yourself, Sean.”

  He kissed her hand, pressing a soft nip against the vulnerable pulse on her wrist, and released her. The wind rustled down the sidewalk and brushed against him, its harsh cold a reminder of Alaska and his bleak future.

  The driver closed the door and touched his cap to Sean.

  “Good luck, man,” the driver offered. “Better get going. It’s due to start raining again any time now.”

  “Thanks,” Sean responded. He watched, hoping against hope, as the limo pulled away from the curb, just in case she changed her mind at the last minute. Then it turned a corner and was gone.

  He rocked back and forth on his heels briefly, considering his options. What the hell was he going to do now?

  His pickup waited patiently across the street, its battered skin an emblem of what his life looked like. He frowned, then turned his back on it and started walking.

  First, he’d buy that Range Rover. Something tangible, shiny and new, like a future with Beth.

  Second, he had to convince her that he was a switch. So he had to dominate her sexually. How? Whatever he did had to be something that would turn her on. He couldn’t be a medieval knight like that fantasy of hers. So what else?

  She’d fantasized about him playing the barbarian and they’d done that in Vegas. It hadn’t convinced her that he was the right man so he needed something else, something stronger and more aggressive. The only other submissive fantasy mentioned being kidnapped and interrogated by the French Resistance. That was a lot easier to pull off than a scene involving a castle and horses.

  Okay, he’d become a Frenchman. She hadn’t given any details of exactly how this happened so he’d have to figure it out on his own.

  What if he got it wrong? Well, at least he had her checklist, telling him what sorts of things she did or did not want to do. Christ, what if he did them wrong?

  He shuddered at the thought. It was several minutes before he moved again, turning into the wind as he moved forward.

  Nothing ventured, nothing gained. This was the best chance to win Beth and he’d take it.

  That settled, Sean started considering what he needed. Someplace to enact her fantasy, of course. Someplace private near Berkeley. He knew a commercial real estate broker in Northern California who had a brochure of old warehouses. Maybe one of them would do.

  What equipment did he need? There were all the things locked up in his bedroom, that he’d never shown anyone before. What else had he played with, that could appear in daylight without notice? She liked leather so that was a good starting point.

  Sean kept walking as he worked out the details of exactly how to kidnap Beth and enact her fantasy.He instinctively became a Ranger again as he did so, writing an operation order as he had so many times in the Army.

  Situation. Enemy: Beth’s belief that he’s a strictly a submissive, not a switch. Friendly: California real estate broker, his collection of sex toys, her checklist.

&
nbsp; Mission. Obtain a commitment from Beth Nakamura to a long-term relationship.

  Execution. Concept of operations: convince Beth that he’s a switch by dominating her during an enactment of her French Resistance fantasy. Scheme of maneuver…

  Rain splattered against his jacket as he finished the remaining sections: service and support, command and signal. Few standard operating procedures mentioned anywhere.

  Then he started to test his operation order for flaws and found a big one.

  He came to a full stop and stared ahead. He had reached an old commercial district leading down to the docks. Puget Sound lay ahead, whipped to a frenzy by the wind, with the lights of West Seattle beyond. His home was there, keeping Mike safe and warm.

  If anything went wrong, he could be arrested and sent to prison for kidnapping. He’d never harm her but that didn’t matter, not if the law found out. The world would know all about him.

  He shuddered in horror but kept thinking. He had to bring Beth to him; she wasn’t going to seek him out. He couldn’t believe that love letters would succeed better than action in convincing her, even if he thought he could write them. The kidnapping and interrogation scene offered the best chance of impressing her.

  Christ, he was cold with a chill that began deep inside. He recognized it as an old friend that he’d met before, the mind-numbing terror that comes just prior to combat. He fought it back as he had then: reminded himself of the objective, then analyzed the plan and tried to minimize the risks.

  Beth was worth any risk. He had a chance of winning her, given the way she’d cried. His dangerous lady wouldn’t break down if she didn’t care.

  The plan could easily go wrong but it was the best hope.

  Now, reconsider the worst case: the world would know and Mike would know. Mike would believe that his father was a criminal jerk.

  That’s when Sean seriously considered not trying for Beth.

  He couldn’t live with that vision so he came back to the cost of winning her.

  Mike was eighteen and he’d be out of the house in less than a year. Maybe he wouldn’t be too upset since he wouldn’t have to live with the scandal for very long. Maybe Mike was enough of an adult now that he could understand that grown men sometimes have to do things that sound foolish to an outsider. Maybe.

  So the absolute foulest situation was neither Beth nor Mike in his life.

  The wind bit into his face but he didn’t hide from it.

  Finally, he turned around and started walking back to his pickup.

  Sean walked into the house at midnight and dropped his portfolio on the table, with its penciled ops plan inside. Dudley clattered down the stairs and woofed softly in greeting. Sean squatted down and hugged his old friend.

  “Hello, Dudley. Did you have a good time in Portland?”

  Dudley’s brown eyes softened at Sean’s tone. He licked Sean’s face and pushed closer. Sean choked, then turned his face into the golden fur. Dudley always knew when a human needed some comfort.

  Mike’s arrival was quieter, especially since he kept his mouth shut, even when he stood motionless on the threshold. Sean stood up smoothly and acknowledged Dudley’s help with a pat, ready to move into action.

  “Hi, Mike. Have fun in Portland?”

  “Yeah, it was decent. Tracy really liked the bed and sent a thank you note.” He came into the kitchen cautiously, trying to act as if his father always blinked back tears.

  “Care for a soda?” Sean invited, opening the fridge. This might be easier if framed as a man-to-man discussion.

  “Sure. What’s the occasion?” Mike sat down at the table and Dudley settled happily next to him.

  “No celebration. Not yet anyway. Just wanted to say a couple of things and might as well do it tonight since you’re up.” And while he still had the courage. Damn, he’d rather face a Somali mob again, alone and unarmed, than do this.

  He tossed a soda can to Mike and straddled a chair, opening another for himself.

  “Shoot.” Mike was now openly curious. He rocked back, lifting the chair’s front two legs off the floor.

  “First, please tell Bill that I’m not interested in his uncle’s Range Rover.” Start with the easy stuff first.

  “Sure. Any particular reason?”

  “I’m buying a new one for myself.”

  Mike’s eyes widened. “What kind? A Discovery?”

  If he was going to do this, then he sure as hell wasn’t going cheap. Well, as cheap as a Land Rover came, any way.

  “A Ranger Rover 4.6HSE. Black, of course.” The Range Rover of his dreams would be a good symbol of his future with Beth.

  “Tight! That’s really tight. When?” Mike almost bounced in his seat and the chair wobbled.

  “Tomorrow.”

  Mike lifted his drink in salute and Sean matched the gesture, before draining his dry.

  “So we’ll have it for the Thanksgiving hunting trip.”

  “Yes, we should be able to drive it off the lot.” The Thanksgiving that he might be celebrating from a jail cell.

  Hell, Beth was worth the risk.

  Mike caught his mood and waited.

  “Second, I may be going to jail.”

  Mike’s chair thudded into place as Mike spewed soda across the table. He coughed and choked, but his words were still intelligible.

  “Like hell you will! You’d never do anything illegal.”

  “FBI might not see it like that.”

  “No way. I’m the one who did all that shit until you straightened me out. I know you.” Mike’s eyes blazed angrily as he wiped up the sticky froth. He looked dangerous and years older than his age.

  His son’s faith warmed him but Mike needed to understand.

  “Mike, I met a lady but she’s not ready to think about marrying me. She could get upset by my methods of persuasion and call the police.”

  Mike snorted and relaxed a little. “Your lady? Any woman that catches your eye is smart and tough. Not the type to call the cops.”

  “She likes playing games.” Sean hesitated, uncertain how to describe how he’d spent the weekend.

  “BDSM, right?” Mike tossed his can into the recycling bin.

  “What?” Sean’s world spun and he set his drink down slowly; this wasn’t the time for confusing his brain with caffeine. He’d always done everything possible to ensure that first Tiffany and later Mike wouldn’t know what really turned him on, all the things that the big world disapproved of but he found exciting.

  “You know, sex and power. Role playing, power exchange…” Mike shrugged, looking as casual as if he was trying to find words for the latest TV show. He looked straight into his father’s eyes. “Dad, I know what kind of books and videos you’ve got hidden away. It just makes sense that this lady likes the same stuff.” He shrugged again, looking nervous. “I didn’t mean to snoop in your stuff but I was looking for some of your old film from Ranger School. When I saw your cabinet was unlocked for once, I thought the movies might be in there. Kept locked up from Mom since she hated hearing about everything to do with the Army except the NCO Club and pensions. I’m sorry if you think I was spying but…”

  “You wouldn’t,” Sean reassured him. “I know you didn’t break into any of my things. You could have done so years ago, if you’d wanted to.” Mike had been quite a burglar before Tiffany’s death, breaking into houses but never stealing more than trifles, just enough to prove that he’d been there. It had ended surprisingly easily, after Sean’s discharge and the move to Seattle. The police and courts had been right: Mike had needed consistent love and discipline to feel safe. He’d become a son to be proud of.

  Mike relaxed with a sigh of relief, then stood up to fetch a clean glass from the cupboard.

  “How long have you known?” Sean returned to his main concern as he tried to absorb the implications of Mike’s awareness. Mike knew and wasn’t disgusted by his father’s sexual interests, even though they were outside the usual run of things. He still care
d about his father.

  “A year maybe.” Mike poured himself a glass of water from the fridge, avoiding the soda like someone who needed to keep a clear head. “You keep it locked up pretty well.”

  “That long,” Sean muttered. He hadn’t seen any signs of a changed attitude in Mike. He really did respect his father, no matter what Sean kept hidden.

  “So what are you planning?” Mike straddled another chair, facing his father as an equal.

  “None of your business. No need for you to go to jail.” Sean’s attitude was firm.

  “Dad, nobody’s going to do jail time.” Mike was patient and reassuring, as befitted a veteran of close encounters with the law.

  “Worst case, the police find out. I won’t have you involved so you don’t need to know anything. Things go badly, you’d lose your shot at West Point and the Army.” He stated the indisputable facts one more time.

  “The Army doesn’t matter, not if it means you’re in trouble.” Mike’s voice was dead calm, as if he stated a fundamental truth.

  “Mike, damnit, you’ve always wanted to be in the Army,” Sean tried again to reach him.

  Mike’s eyes never flickered, his face set stone cold. “Family is more important than the Army. You proved that when you took that hardship discharge. I’ll find something else, the way you did.”

  Christ, Mike was willing to give his dreams up for his father.

  Mike considered that, swirling his water in the glass. Sean waited for him to try a different angle of persuasion. Mike was clever and charismatic; he’d be deadly as an officer. But the old man could still usually outsmart him.

  “You know, Carol’s uncle is a big-time stuntman in Hollywood. Arranges complicated stunts all the time. He’s even directed a couple of cheap movies.”

  “So?” Where was this going?

  “I talked to him some on Saturday night, while the ladies were getting dressed for the big dinner.”

  Sean nodded, waiting for Mike’s real pitch.

  “He said that he’s helped couples pull off stunts that’d normally get them arrested. Things that they both wanted to do but outsiders wouldn’t understand. Like kidnapping.”