‘What did she say about him?’
‘Not much. That she’d scored the shirt in a breakup. She had it in her bag when she was here the other day . . . she must’ve left it behind.’
‘I need to talk to her.’
Evan nods.
I go out the back, the only place you get reception at Evan’s, and balance on the edge of the step until my phone gets two bars and I can text Steffi.
Where are you?
I wait. No response. The signal disappears. I wave my phone around until it comes back. Stupid Bay. You always get great reception at Stef’s though. So why isn’t she texting back?
I ring her.
It goes to voicemail. Twice. On the third try she picks up. I can hear people laughing and music in the background.
‘Where are you?’
‘Lucy! I’m here whereareyouu?’
‘I’m at Evan’s.’
‘Good! You stay there n’ I’ll stay here.’
‘Stef—’
She hangs up.
I head back inside.
‘She’s at a party,’ I say, folding my arms then unfolding them.
‘Who is?’ Cook asks through a mouthful of curry.
‘Did she say where she was?’
I shake my head. My heart jitters and I breathe out.
Evan places his hand on my arm. ‘I’ll call Jeremy, he might know.’
‘Okay.’ I try to swallow the desire to say Just let me do it. Let him help.
Evan grabs his phone and goes outside. In the silence, Cook eats his curry, yellow sauce threatening to slop again.
‘You need to take off that shirt.’
Cook raises his eyebrows. ‘Not that you’re not cute but I think Ev would kill us.’
My hands tense. ‘Give me that shirt.’
Evan comes back in as Cook peels off the shirt and tosses it at me.
‘Some guys in our year are having a party. Jeremy’s there with her.’
‘So let’s go.’ I ball the shirt into my hands. I have it. I got it back.
He shakes his head. ‘What are you gonna say to her, Luce?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I say. ‘But I need to know if it’s really true.’
28
Evan stops the car a little ways down from the party. Music thumps through the street and people stagger about everywhere.
‘Should we split up?’ I say.
‘What’s she look like again, your cousin?’ Cook asks Evan.
‘Blonde, loud,’ he says.
‘She’s a redhead now,’ I say.
I follow Evan and Cook up the path and into the house.
The music drums through me and the stink of pot hangs heavy in the air. Evan talks to a couple of guys from school and I hang back, scanning the place for Steffi, but the dim light makes it hard to see.
‘Any luck?’ I shout over the music.
He shakes his head. ‘Let’s check out the back.’ He grabs my hand and a thrill goes through me. We weave our way through the house, Cook in front of us.
‘I think I see her,’ I say and hurry over the grass, Evan behind me. People sit around on the lawn and lean up against the house. The redhead I’d spotted falls into some guy’s lap. I walk closer, they all stare at me. It’s not her.
‘I’m gonna look back inside,’ Evan says. I nod and fold my arms tight across my chest.
I wander down the yard towards the water. The house backs onto the beach, tucked up close next to the marina. A break wall divides the controlled area and the rough open ocean. The party lights spill onto the edge of the sand dunes and I can’t make out much beyond that. A few guys walk back in from the beach and push past me. Jeremy is one of them—I grab him by the arm.
‘Heyy,’ he drawls, a sloppy smile on his face.
My jaw goes tense. ‘Where’s Steffi?’
He waves in the direction of the break wall. I let him go, about to walk away, then turn back.
‘You need to be better,’ I tell him and he pulls a face at me. ‘Alix really likes you, for whatever reason, and this crap,’ I gesture to his face and his strained eyes, ‘needs to stop. You need to be better.’
He kind of nods, looking at me like I’m the one off their face.
‘Lucy!’ Cook jogs over and Jeremy wanders off. ‘Did you find her?’
‘Maybe. Down by the water. Can you get Evan for me?’
He leaves and I race towards the break wall. My eyes scan the night, searching for any sign of Steffi, but I’m blind coming out from the party.
I climb onto the wall and breathe out. Water crashes just ahead of me. I’m okay; this is okay. I straighten my hands but they’re fine, no trembling.
Rocks jut out from both sides and I stick to the narrow path of sand. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I begin to make out a shape at the end of the break wall. A dark smudge sitting on a rock.
‘Steffi?’ I call out. No response. I continue to edge my way forward. A full yellow moon hangs low in the sky over the black water. Apart from the moon the sky is empty, stars hidden behind clouds. Water hisses and spits against the rocks. Ocean spray spatters my skin. My stomach stretches to my throat and I keep walking.
‘Steffi,’ I yell again as her outline becomes clearer.
The girl sniffs and wipes her nose. ‘Thought I told you to stay home.’
‘It’s you isn’t it?’ I move closer to her rock, all too aware of the proximity of the water. ‘You were texting Cam. You were in love with him.’
She shrugs. ‘Can’t text someone who’s dead.’ She takes something out of her pocket and holds it up. Cam’s phone. ‘You weren’t supposed to see these.’
A wave strikes the break wall and the splash sprays over us. My pulse drums dull in my veins.
‘You were with Cam.’ I say it to the air and the night sky and the water, which feels like it’s rising. Then I say it to Steffi. ‘You.’
‘Me,’ she says. ‘It’s funny. I thought you knew. I kept waiting for you to say something. And when I found this’—she looks at the phone—‘in your room . . .’
‘Why would I know?’
She shrugs.
‘Give it back.’
‘What?’
I look at her. ‘His phone.’
‘I deleted everything,’ she says.
‘Give it to me.’
She holds it out, I reach up and snatch it from her hand. Then I start walking, legs like jelly, back to shore.
‘Lucy,’ Steffi calls out, ‘wait.’
Steffi and Cam. More ocean hits the wall and sprays. I taste salt. God, I’m so stupid. She could have told me. He could have told me. Is this why Steffi’s been my friend? Have I been her feeble connection to my brother? I grip the phone hard in my hand and hurl it towards the water. It smashes against a rock.
‘Lucy!’ Steffi shrieks.
I turn and see her climbing over the rocks towards the phone, waves breaking against her back. Behind her the ocean tumbles out, black and angry.
I count the sets. She bends to get the phone. The waves roll back in. She stands, phone in her hand, and looks at me. All those things she sent to my brother: sex, sand, hurt, heartbreak. And Cam weaving her into the world in his head, one more thing to keep secret—to make hidden—but she came out in his art. Did anyone know? Has she carried this whole thing by herself?
I gasp her name. A wall of water slams into her, knocking her back, phone flying from her grip. She disappears.
Go, I think, move! Pain radiates in my chest and down my left arm. I breathe and breathe. I need to get to her, need to pull her out. My legs give under me.
I can’t. Oh, God. I can’t. She’s gonna drown. Just like him. Just like Cam.
No. I pull myself up.
My heart pounds and my steps don’t feel like they connect with the ground. But I go towards the water anyway. Reach the rocks. I can’t see her, can’t see anything, it’s all just surging black. I call her name and call it until my throat burns. She doesn’t surface.
I yell her name again. Maybe someone will come. Someone will help. But the party is so far away now. It’s only me.
If I go in I’ll drown. If I don’t go in she’ll drown.
A wave crashes and soaks me through. I spit the water off my lips and count the sets again, searching for a break. I inch my way towards the water; my foot slips out on the slick surface. The rock cuts into my fingers where I’m gripping it. I’m shaking, I don’t know if I’m cold, I can’t feel it. Another wave breaks.
I need to go. Now.
Taking one last look towards the party, praying Evan will come, I push off into the water.
I kick hard, trying to clear the rocks before the next wave, but I’m too slow. Water crashes into me, flooding my ears and throat, turning me over and over. I thrash and kick; my heart racing. I’m drowning.
Sinking.
My lungs ache. I don’t know which way’s up.
This could be it. I could let this happen, not fight it. Already I’m so tired, arms and legs so heavy. As if I’ve forgotten how to swim.
Somewhere in my mind Cam tells me not to be so dramatic. I tell him to shut up, I’m the one drowning. Fuck that, he answers.
I kick hard and break the surface, raking in sharp breaths. I swim out further, my limbs aching. I need to get Steffi. I find that goal again in my mind and hold it. Let me find her. I breathe deep and dive under.
The water pushes me back towards the rocks. I bang my elbow and scrape my knee. I ignore the pain and surface again for more air. The current is strong and unpredictable. Steffi could be sucked anywhere. I swim out towards the back. I spot something move on my right and I swim towards it, yelling her name. She’s barely keeping herself above water when I reach her and she latches onto me with all her strength. I manage a quick breath before her weight drags us under.
A strange calm comes over me and I feel as if I’m apart from my body, watching myself under water. Just let me go, Cam. Steffi tries to climb me, kicking and clawing her way up. Steffi. My head clears. I grab her and manage to pin her arms under mine. I kick but it’s against the current. I hold Steffi tight and surrender us both to the push. We slam into a rock, get tumbled and spat out. I’m so tired and Steffi is a dead weight in my arms. I give one final push. I open my eyes and I can see the moon. We’re so close. COME ON. The current sucks us back out and another wave crashes us to the rocks. When it pulls back I hug Steffi with one arm and grip onto whatever I can with the other. I find sharp edges and cling to them.
‘Lucy!’ Someone is shouting. ‘Lucy!’ Evan is shouting. I can’t move. I hold Steffi and hold and hold. There’s splashing.
‘Take her,’ I say—it’s not Evan, it’s Cook. I pull myself clear of the rocks and collapse on the rough sand. Above me, the clouds thin and the stars burn through.
All I want to do for the rest of my life is breathe.
Someone is holding me, wrapping a scratchy towel around me, rubbing my arms. I press my face into his chest and he holds me closer.
‘You’re here,’ I whisper, tears on my cheeks.
‘You saved her life,’ Evan says.
‘I did?’ I breathe.
‘We’re gonna take her up to the hospital. Cook thinks she might have a concussion.’
‘It was her,’ I tell him. He pushes my wet hair back from my forehead. Then I tell him something else: ‘I swam.’
29
‘Cam was the only person I knew at the party.’
I sit down on my driveway next to Steffi. It’s been a week since she almost drowned.
‘When was this?’
‘Around the start of last year.’ Steffi’s voice is small and distant.
‘Why were you even there?’ I ask.
She sighs. ‘It was Jeremy’s idea.’
‘Right.’ Jeremy Haines: full of wise choices.
‘God it was awful. I, like, sat in this one spot and didn’t move or talk to anybody. Then,’ she drops her eyes to the concrete, ‘your brother sat next to me. I’m still not entirely sure he knew who I was, but he started talking to me anyway, saying how the night was going to shit cos the stars weren’t right.’
I laugh—such a Cam thing to say.
She hugs her knees. ‘After that I kept going out and somehow we always ended up talking. We’d make up legends about stray dogs and see how much weird shit we could get Simmo to eat. I liked him—figured out I’d probably liked him back when we were friends.’
I blink. ‘You never told me that.’
She laughs. ‘Sure. I should’ve said “Hey Lu, your brother’s really hot”.’
‘I told you about Ryan.’
‘Please. If you hadn’t told me you’d have exploded. Those feelings needed a voice.’
I open my mouth then close it.
‘Anyway. I figured nothing was going to happen because a: he was your brother and b: he was still with Tara. But then one night I decided to stay home and Cam kept texting me asking where I was. But then I get there and he flat out ignores me.’ She pushes her fringe back. ‘I left, I was so pissed off, and then he texts me saying wait, wait. But I kept walking home anyway and he catches up to me. I couldn’t look at him I was so mad. We were walking past the primary school and suddenly he grabs my hand and pulls me into the playground.’
She laughs to herself, expression far away. ‘And I was remembering stuff like how he’d been school captain and I was school captain. And how your mum used to bake these healthy cookies for the tuck shop and how they tasted like cardboard. And then he kissed me.’ She swallows. ‘Right up against the wall of the girls’ toilet and my mind was like, Hey, you got your first period in there, and now look, this boy is kissing you.’
Tears leak out of her eyes and she swipes at her cheeks.
‘It was supposed to be perfect: he was going to break up with Tara and then we’d be, like, this couple . . . Only he didn’t want to break up with her. But he did it because I kept badgering him about it. He was a mess for ages after that and I kept waiting for him to tell his mates about me but he just didn’t. He didn’t want to tell anybody.
‘We fought a lot. But he’d always sneak back over. And sometimes it would be perfect: we’d lie on my bed and talk while he drew inside my school books. I let him read my stories and poems, and he’d pull out words he liked and write them on his hand or on his shoe. Those times I didn’t care that no one else knew, because I knew.
‘Meanwhile, I’m behind in all my classes because he seemed to take up all of my brain. He kept telling me we couldn’t see each other anymore and then he kept coming back.’
I picture it all: Cam sneaking over there, ignoring and manipulating her. And I know he could do it all. And I hate so much that he did it to her. But then I think about the drawings. The girl with the missing face. The girl that got inside his art. She must’ve meant something.
‘Just before he left though I told him that was it—I was sick of it. And he said fine.’ She goes quiet for a while and when she talks again her voice is raw. ‘And then he died and no one even knew we were friends.’
‘God, Stef.’ I take her hand.
‘Everyone would talk about how hard it was for you and your family and I couldn’t even . . .’ She sniffs. ‘I loved him. He died.’
30
Mum and I cross the road to Meredith Beach. Dad, Auntie Deb and the rest of the surf club are already there. We’re all wearing bright aqua T-shirts that say ‘Meredith to South West’ on the front and ‘Volunteer’ on the back.
We huddle on the sand with the other volunteers in front of the surf club. Deb and the head lifeguard brief us from the deck. Mum and I are on registration and Dad is manning the barbecue.
The morning is cool and carries the promise of autumn. It’s been a few weeks since I pulled Steffi out of the water and in those weeks a lot’s changed. Deb applied for a job at the local medical centre and got it, Mum’s got Dad and me back on the health train and Dad keeps saying things like ‘I’m working on m
y communication,’ and ‘How are you feeling?’
Some days are better than others, some days Mum can barely face. I’ve been to see Leanne a couple of times. The first time we mostly just stared at each other. The second time I told her about Cam.
I might never know what happened to make him walk into the water that night, if he went in to end everything or if it was just a stupid decision that went terribly wrong. And my life will never be what it was with him, and I might never be better or fixed—but they’re the wrong words.
I’m changed.
Mum and I head into the club, armed with swim caps and lap timers, and set up our tables.
At 6.30am people start arriving.
Even getting out of bed this morning I had doubts this race would happen. But as more people arrive those doubts fade away.
‘This might actually work,’ I say to Mum.
She smiles. ‘It might.’
I’m checking in the Under 16s and I’m surprised how many kids from school have shown up. Mum checks in Simmo and a bunch of Cam’s mates. They’re all wearing matching black armbands. Simmo kisses Mum’s cheek and reaches over to bump my fist.
When I look back to my line, Megan is in front of me.
‘Hey,’ she says.
‘Hi. Uh, thanks for coming down.’ I start writing down her name, picking out a number for her that’ll be lucky.
‘Hey, club finals yesterday,’ I say. ‘How’d you do?’
She smiles. ‘Did all right. You should talk to Alix though.’
As if on cue, Alix and Jeremy burst in behind her.
‘Uh, hello,’ Alix says, trying to sound like a man, ‘we’d like to register.’
Jeremy hugs her from behind and kisses her neck. I laugh and walk round to hug her.
‘How was yesterday?’
‘Well—’
‘She kicked arse! I have never seen anyone swim so fast in my life.’ Jeremy grins.
‘Serious?’ I look back at her. ‘Seriously?’
‘Yep,’ she says. ‘Topped ’em all. Fifty metres: 31.52, hundred metres: 1.09.05!’
‘Oh my God! Oh my God, Al.’ I hug her again. ‘That’s so awesome!’
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