Delaney sat on the couch and began to tell me how happy she was to be back and how this semester she wouldn't be a lost puppy trailing after a boy, but all I could picture was how Nate had been on top of me in the exact spot where she sat. Instantly, I felt I was drowning. I was suffocating and the walls were closing in on me. I couldn't lie to her. I hated what I did.
Unable to sit there any longer, I shot up from my bed and walked across the room to grab my bag.
“Where are you going?” Delaney asked. Her eyebrows were furrowed and confusion appeared on her face.
“I need to go to the library. I completely forgot I signed up to do some tutoring this semester.”
“Brie,” she complained. “I just got back.”
“I know.” I shook my head, hating the fact I was about to lie to her again. “It's just that I have three people to help this semester and I can't fall behind in my own work.” I inhaled and let guilt filter through my body. “I'll be quick. Rest up and we’ll chat later.”
I started to walk toward the door when her voice stopped me in my tracks.
“Did you paint the wall?”
My heart began to accelerate in my chest. I turned slowly. “Yeah,” I said in a shaky voice. “I tried to do a dry erase board for us with this paint I found at the hardware store, but it didn't work out.”
“Oh.” She seemed disappointed. “Maybe we can do a chalkboard instead?”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “We'll go to the paint store sometime soon.” I didn't wait for her response as I walked out of the room.
Strolling past my car, I let the cool, crisp air hit my face. A walk across campus would help clear my mind.
It was a simple mistake.
Nate and I . . . It was . . . nothing.
It had to be nothing.
It was one drunken night.
That was it.
But I knew deep down that wasn't true.
I looked up into the clear sky. Though the sun was out, it didn't warm my skin. “What the hell am I doing?” I asked the world.
Everything would be fine, I told myself. Nate wouldn't be in any of my classes this semester. And Delaney wouldn't be bringing Nate around, so I would ignore the situation and it would all work itself out. It had to.
Digging in my pocket, I pulled my cell phone out and sent Julian a text message.
Me: Are you back on campus?
Within seconds he responded.
Julian: Yes.
Me: Do you want to meet up? Talk?
Julian: Yes :)
Me: Java Joes at 3?
Julian: I'll be there.
A cloud of warm air hit me like in an inferno when I pulled back the heavy glass door. I gave a staff member a kind smile and headed for the stairs that led to the second floor. Along the walls were wooden tables used for quiet studying. I walked to the farthest corner, the last table. No one would find me there. I would be completely alone.
Scattering my books and papers across the table, I flipped my laptop open, silenced my phone, and got to work.
My back was toward the door but I felt him approach. When I heard footfalls behind me, my heartbeat began to race. The passage I was reading became a scramble of words on the page.
There was no hiding. I couldn’t simply pick up my belongings and run. Slowly, I inhaled and closed my eyes. I had to face Nate. Closing my laptop, I began to shove everything back in my bag.
“Hi,” he said as he pulled a chair out and sat across from me. At first, I was hesitant to meet his gaze, but the pull was undeniable. I couldn't deny myself. He looked . . . like a dream. He smiled at me, and his emerald green eyes lit up.
I was fucked.
There was something between us,
I couldn’t ignore it.
It was like a fire that refused to burn out.
“What are you doing here?” My voice was barely audible.
“Tracking you down.” He licked his lips. “I’ve been looking for you all day. All week.”
“Why?” I pulled my gaze away from his lips.
“Because you can’t avoid me any longer.” His gaze was stern and his eyebrows pinched together. “We need to talk.”
I pushed back my chair and stood. My brain felt scattered, as though it lacked oxygen. It was impossible to focus. “There is nothing to talk about, Nate.” I shoved a few more things in my bag.
“Is that how you want to do this?” His low voice made goosebumps rise all over my body. “Nothing happened between us?”
I closed my eyes for a brief moment, and hoped when I opened them this would all be a dream. A nightmare that would soon pass. But when I lifted my lids he was standing right in front of me. His tall frame towered over me and the smell of his cologne teased my senses. I wanted to lace my arms around his neck and have him hold me for all eternity.
But I couldn’t.
“Nothing. Happened,” I told him.
He moved a step closer, his gaze trailing up my body. “So, what we did . . .” He lifted his hand and brushed it across my cheek. “It didn’t mean anything to you?”
I whimpered at his touch and closed my eyes. Why did it feel so right with him? “Please.” Was I begging him to stop or to kiss me? I couldn’t tell. His touch was electrifying.
“You feel it.” His forehead pressed against mine. “This pull between us. I know you feel it, too.” I forced myself to shake my head, but my mind refused to work.
Nate’s breath was minty and warm against my skin. He inhaled my scent and I felt wanton in his arms. No matter how wrong a situation is, when your heart wants something, there isn’t anything you can do to fight it. The heart wants what the heart wants. I never understood that phrase until now.
My heart wanted him.
My soul craved him.
But he was forbidden.
He took his time running his nose along my cheek. Teasing me with each passing second, he kissed along my cheek, chin and the tip of my nose.
I anticipated his kiss.
I longed for it.
I was becoming an addict waiting for its hit.
“Open your eyes, Brielle.”
I shook my head ever so slowly.
“Brielle.” He said my name as if it was chocolate in his mouth. “I want you to see me kiss you.”
Both scared and excited, I opened my eyes. Trapped in the endless emerald green sea that was his eyes, I stood before him helplessly. My heart raced a mile a second. A small boyish grin grew on his face.
I was fucked.
I was a horrible person.
I would deal with the consequence of my actions later.
Because I was done.
Completely, utterly, done.
My lips parted slightly and a calming sensation passed through my body as his lips pressed against mine and the world around us seemed to stop. He wrapped his arms around my body and deepened his kiss. His tongue twirled with mine and any fear, guilt, or remorse vanished.
Being in his arms, captured by his kiss, was everything I ever prayed for.
Nate pressed his body to mine and ran his hand up my back until my hair was tangled in his fingers. I whimpered in ecstasy, hoping we never had to stop.
In the back corner of the campus library, I was in heaven.
Until I heard a soft buzzing from my cell phone.
Gasping for air, I pushed on his chest. “I can’t,” I said as I tried to catch my breath. Nate released my body from his grip. “I have to go. I have to meet Julian.”
“Are you going to tell him? Nate asked.
Pressing my fingertips to my eyes, I tried to calm my breathing. “No.” My voice was shaky. I scanned Nate's eyes. “This was a mistake. It was a lack of good judgement.” I closed my eyes and forced the feeling of pure joy out of my system. “It won't happen again, so there’s no need to tell them.”
Nate took a step forward to close the gap between us. His hand reached up to brush back a curl and I swatted his hand away. “Stop!” My hands waved in front
of him. “She is my best friend. He is your brother.”
“We can tell them.” He spoke softly. His tongue ran along his lips. “We can tell them the truth.”
“What good will that do?” I felt tears pool in my eyes. “It would hurt him, it would destroy her, and at the end of the day we couldn’t be together.”
“Why not?” He scanned my face for some sort of answer. “God damn it, Brie, why should we deny what we feel for each other because of them?”
My head shook. “It was a physical attraction that led us to do a horrible thing. Nothing more. You’re my ex boyfriend’s brother. My best friend’s ex. Any way you look at it, it's wrong.”
“That's not fair.”
“Life isn't fair.” I brushed back a tear. “Do you really want to hurt your brother that way?” I paused for a second and let my question hang. “Do you really want to destroy the bond you have, because of me? Because honestly, I can't do that to Delaney. She’s like my sister.”
Nate bowed his head and exhaled. “You're right.” When he looked up at me again, his eyes were different. Something about them caused a chill to run up my spine. “I'm sorry,” he muttered but I didn’t believe him.
I bit the inside of my lip, refusing to let another tear fall. This was the closure I needed. In a few weeks, any feeling I had toward him would have passed. Forcing a smile to my face, I grabbed my bag. “Bye,” I whispered. I didn’t wait for him to respond as I walked toward the stairs.
I found myself in the women’s bathroom a few minutes later. Splashing cool water on my face, I attempted to compose myself. I studied my reflection in the mirror and swallowed back the pent up emotion that had lodged itself in my throat. “You will not cry,” I whispered to myself. “You can’t be with him.” I repeated it a few dozen times.
Inhaling, I straightened, held my shoulders back, and left the bathroom to meet Julian.
The heavy ceramic mug filled with caffeine and creamy goodness warmed my hands. I probably should have ordered a decaf coffee since I couldn’t stop my feet from bouncing, but my problem wasn’t the caffeine; it was the thought of meeting Julian. The last time I saw him, we left our friendship up in the air. His conduct and mannerisms made me question him as my friend.
The bells tied to the entry door jingled and in he walked. His winter hat covered his head and when he noticed me, a wide smile brightened his face. I stood to meet him.
“Hi,” he said when he walked over. He embraced me in his arms.
“Hi.” I wrapped my arms around his neck in a hug.
Julian held me a few long seconds before he let me go. “Have you been waiting long?” He looked down at his watch. “I thought you said three?”
I shook my head. “I just got here.”
A barista walked over with a notepad in hand and turned to Julian. “Can I get you something to drink?” she asked sweetly.
“White cinnamon sage tea, please.”
Sitting across from him, we waited in silence until the barista returned with his cup of hot water and paper wrapped tea bag. He opened it and dropped it in his cup to steep.
I lifted my eyes from his mug to his face. “How’ve you been?”
“Good, can’t complain. Glad to be back on campus.” He took a sip and lowered his cup in front of him. “I’m better now that I’m here with you.” He reached a hand out to grasp mine but stopped. “Brie, I'm sorry.” Julian dropped his eyes. “I overreacted that night. I should never have spoken to you that way.”
I reached across the table and entwined my hands with his. My vision blurred with unshed tears. He was apologizing to me, but I was the one who had betrayed him. Julian wasn't a bad guy. He was sweet and caring, and more importantly, he adored me. He didn't deserve what I did to him. “Julian, I don't want you to apologize.”
“I have to.” His voice was shaky as he clenched my hand. “I’ve given you the space you asked for, but Brie, you're a friend I truly care about. The way we left things . . .” He slowly shook his head. “You're not supposed to treat the people you love like I treated you. And for that, Brielle, I'm sorry. Truly sorry.”
I cleared my throat and forced a smile to my face. “Julian, I'm sorry.” I should have told him everything, but the words were lodged in my throat. “It’s not fair for you. I know how you feel for me, and even though we’re friends, I should have taken your feelings into consideration” Pausing, I waited for him to look up. “I never really gave us a try. My mind has been so preoccupied with finishing school and everything else that our relationship was put on the back burner.” My voice cracked and a tear dripped from my cheek. I knew where my mind had really been all this time. “I never gave us a chance and that’s not fair to you. I know that you love me. I can't give you what you want from me, but I’d be honored to be your friend, if that's okay.”
“I'd like that.” His thumb ran across my knuckles.
I choked back the tears that threatened to escape and forced myself to smile. Julian could make me happy.
If only I wasn't falling for his brother.
Chapter 13
Brielle
Love was fucked up. Whoever said it was the most wonderful and beautiful thing in the world was full of shit. I was a straight A student, but when it came to falling in love, I failed miserably. It wasn't that I didn't know how to love. I loved unconditionally and hopelessly. It was simply that I fell in love for the wrong guy. I tried, sweet lord, did I try to fall in love with someone else—anyone else. Hell, I even tried to fall in love with his brother.
Instead, I fell in love with Nate.
Fucked.
I was fucked.
Two weeks after my encounter with Nate in the library, I believed everything was right in the world. Delaney and I were back to our usual way, Julian and I had cleared the air, and I put my slip-up with Nate behind me. We had rearranged our room so a massive wardrobe covered the wall Nate and I painted. Any reminder of that night was put to rest.
Everything was perfect.
Until it wasn't.
I was in the library first thing Saturday morning prepping for the new student I was assigned to tutor. Usually, I’d have a chance to learn more about them and what subject they needed help with, but he’d only signed up the night before.
My back was turned to the door in the Learning Center so I didn’t spot him walk in, but the sound of someone clearing his throat caught my attention. I turned to face him with a wide grin on my face.
“Good Morn—” My words fell flat as Nate stood on the other side of the desk. “What are you doing here?” I crossed my arms over my chest.
His lips turned up in a boyish grin and he held up the form we had every student fill out. “You’re my new tutor.”
“No!” I shook my head in disbelief. “Hell, no.” I snatched the paper from his hand. This had to be a joke. But his name was clear and he was assigned to me for biology. “You’re a straight A student, Nate. You don’t need help.” I tossed the paper back at him.
The stupid grin lingered on his face. “Not when it comes to biology.”
“Then take another science.”
Nate laid his textbook on the table and pulled out a letter from the Dean. “I took biology my first semester at county college. I passed with a D. The Dean is willing to let me retake it and the new grade will be the one on my transcript. If I do well, I can graduate Summa Cum Laude.” He paused for a moment. “Please, Brie. I’m asking you as a friend and nothing else. I really need your help on this.”
“No, there are other tutors. I’ll have you assigned to someone else.”
“You’re the only one who excelled in Professor Gorev’s class. I wouldn’t ask if there was someone else. I’m begging you, Brie.”
There was a small pinch in my heart. How could I say no? “Fine.” I threw my hands in the air. “But there are rules.”
“I can follow rules.” His voice was sleek and seductive.
“That!” I pointed at him. “None of that! No sexy voi
ce. No flirting. No touching. No meeting for coffee. We only study here, got it?”
“Got it.”
I handed Nate an orange piece of paper with the hours I was available to tutor. “You can come anytime I’m here. During the week, it’s a little busier.”
He scanned the paper. “Wow, you’re here all the time.” He lifted his eyes from the paper and met my gaze. “Do you still work at the dentist’s office?”
“Yes, I still work there, but only once a week.” I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “I actually get a lot of my own work done while I’m here. Plus, I’m free Friday and Saturday nights, which I spend with Julian.” I threw the last statement in there as a jab.
“I see.” He nodded. “Shall we get to work?” Nate handed me his syllabus and pulled out a chair from under one of the round tables.
“Yeah.”
I exhaled my nerves and ignored the hazard lights that were flashing in my head, warning that this was a bad idea.
In truth, it was by far one of the stupidest ideas I ever had.
Helping Nate with biology was a breeze. Every Saturday morning, he was there at eight a.m. It was only the two of us, and Terri the admin for the learning center. She opened the library and sat in the back office filing paperwork while we studied. He was always on time, followed my rules, and came prepared with a list of questions about the lecture. Once our time was up, he packed his bag, said good-bye, and left. There was never any fuss about hanging out afterward or him walking me to my car. Most of the time it felt as if he was a complete stranger. Of course, I never mentioned to Delaney or Julian that I was tutoring him. I never broadcast who I tutored so it wasn’t as if I was intentionally lying. They never asked, and I never said anything.
“I have something to show you,” Nate said as he tossed his backpack on the table. His deep voice never stopped having an effect on me.
I was turning on the main computer when he slid a sheet of paper toward me. A bold B plus was marked in red ink at the top of the page. “This is awesome, Nate.” I beamed. I flipped through the papers that were stapled together at the left corner until my eyes landed on a question he answered wrong.
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