by Tia Siren
“You’re right,” I replied. “But I’m afraid it might already be too late.”
“Either way,” she said, stopping and taking my hands in hers, “I want you to know I’ll be here to support you. If Will is who you love, then he is who you love for better or for worse. Love doesn’t discriminate. If it’s a fantasy you love, then I’ll be here the day you realize that. Either way, I want you to know that you are not alone in this.”
“Thank you,” I said, smiling and kissing her on the cheek.
But while I may not have been alone because I had her, that didn’t make me feel any less lost in the dark when it came to Will.
Chapter 17
Will
When I went to pick up Avery after his weekend with his grandmother, she was fixing something for lunch, so I sat with her while Avery played in the other room. Like normal, we began to chat, but this time it was much deeper than usual.
“How is Ella doing?” she asked, glancing up from the stove at me.
“She’s doing good. Just trying to enjoy her summer before she heads back for her senior year at Harvard. I swear she never slows down. I can’t keep up with it all.”
“You and Ella spend a lot of time together these days. I haven’t seen you alone in a while. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, just an observation. I guess you could call me a curious old lady.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, looking down. “Ella watches Avery for me a lot because he feels comfortable with her and then she can make some cash for school. Sure, I guess I’d consider her a friend. We are around each other enough. But really, I don’t know where you are getting all your gossip from lately. The janitor at the apartment complex? Just because a man and a woman spend time together doesn’t mean marriage and children are right around the corner. Like I said, she is just a friend.”
“Oh, come off it,” my mom said, surprising me with her candor. “I know there is something going on between the two of you. I’ve seen how you look at each other when you don’t think anyone is watching. Don’t worry, I very much approve of Ella. Besides, you have been on your own long enough. There is nothing wrong with moving on.”
I brushed off her statements and changed the subject, not sure how I felt about this revelation my mother was having. On one hand, she was right. There was definitely something going on between us, but it wasn’t what she thought. On the other hand, maybe she was doing what she always did, reading the truth between the lines. It did feel nice for her to tell me she approved, and to try to show me it was okay for me to approve of it as well. She knew me too well, and she knew I would be fighting anything more than sex tooth and nail. She was one of the few people who had actually seen how hard it had hit me when Megan died. She had taken Avery for me to allow me time and space to grieve. Without it, I didn’t know where I would have ended up.
After lunch, Avery and I said our good-byes to grandma as she dropped us off at the train station. This was always a tough time for Avery because he loved his grandmother and never wanted to leave her. Once the train arrived, though, he switched his focus to obsessing over “choo-choo trains” for the remainder of the trip. As we rode along, I thought about my mother and what she had said. Usually when my mother talked to me about something, it brought a clarity I hadn’t seen before. This time, though, there was nothing but fog in my brain. I pulled out my phone and scanned the numbers until I landed on Brian’s name.
“Hey, dude,” he said on the other end.
“Hey, man,” I replied. “Do you have plans this evening?”
“Nope,” he said. “No wife, no plans. Why? What’s up?”
“I wanted to see if you wanted to come over when Avery and I get back,” I said. “I could use some of your brotherly advice.”
“Of course, man,” he said. “Text me when you get back to your place.”
“Thanks, Brian,” I replied before hanging up the phone.
When we got back, I texted Brian, and he made his way over. Avery went into his room to play with his toys, and I grabbed us a couple of beers and sat down in the living room. It was nice to have my best friend here. Over the years we had taken on different roles in the company, and we barely saw each other anymore.
“So, what’s up? What is this big secret?”
“Things are a little more in depth with Ella than previously explained,” I said. “I’ve been sleeping with her on and off during the summer.”
He chuckled. “I figured that would happen. So, what happens next? I mean, this can’t go on forever, right? She still has an entire year left at Harvard. What are you going to do when she heads back to Cambridge? I mean, I’m assuming this is why you called me over—for some friendly woman advice.”
“I called you over because you are like my brother and I never get to see you,” I said. “As far as Ella, she comes home all the time so I will still get laid. I’m not worried about it. Her parents are my damn neighbors, so it’s pretty much a given that she will end up here. And on top of that, she babysits Avery whenever she can.”
“So is it getting any more serious?” Brian asked, sipping his beer. “I mean, you seem to be pretty adamant about this. If you are sleeping together, it’s bound to get pretty serious, right? I mean, I can’t see this girl just saying, ‘Yeah, stick it in, I don’t need commitment.’”
“No,” I said, chuckling and shaking my head. “Dude, there is nothing serious about what we are doing; nor is it ever going to become serious. It’s all really, really simple. We’re just fucking. That’s all. That’s it. Nothing more to see here. Everyone wants some big drama, but I’m sorry to disappoint.”
“Man, okay, I get it,” he said, laughing. “But if you did take it further, I wouldn’t look badly on you at all. I mean, you are living the life, man. You have this hot as hell younger chick you are banging on a regular basis. You’re like the thirty-something hero, man. My wife left me for another chick, which is the perfect way to castrate your husband without any sharp instruments. So while you’re over there getting way oversensitive about being asked about a girl, I’m over here being way undersensitive about my emasculation via my now lesbian ex-wife and her new lover. Can you see how you might have it a little better than me?”
I laughed. “I know. Dude, you have had one hell of a couple years. I have to give it to you. I seriously don’t know how you are still smiling and laughing it up every day. At this point, I might have become one of those mountain men, run off by the hell of life, growing a monster beard and chopping wood somewhere off the grid in Vermont.”
“That is actually on my list after this, although I don’t look very good with a beard,” he joked. “But seriously, man, what’s up? You have a super young hottie at your fingertips and you’re acting like it’s nothing. You need to reevaluate your life, bro. Seriously, I don’t have the courage to have another go at it, so I live vicariously through men like you. And you, sir, are disappointing me at every turn.”
I laughed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I had to take your feelings into account in this situation. Let me just rearrange my life so you can feel the thrill of living once again.”
“Thank you,” he said. “I appreciate you finally realizing how important it is to live for me. I just don’t understand why everyone else can’t jump on that bandwagon. They have such a hard time understanding my needs and wants. My life is important, too, you know?”
“Of course,” I said, laughing. “My apologies.”
“I accept your apologies, all of them,” he replied, smiling. “No, man, in all seriousness, since my wife left me, I feel so much better. I feel free now, able to do what I want, when I want, and how I want. Maybe it was because we obviously weren’t meant for each other, though that may have something to do with my lack of a vagina, but after the pain of the loss subsided, I was able to take a deep breath and really see the world. And what did I find, you may ask? The knowledge that turning up your nose at a beautiful maiden only leads to want
ing.”
“Thank you, Buddha,” I said. “I see that divorce has made you a very wise man.”
“No. That’s just from my experience with missing out on beautiful women. The divorce fucking sucked.” He laughed.
“Yeah, but the last thing I need in my life, or really am ready for at this point, is something long term,” I said.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why aren’t you ready for something long term?”
Brian’s question struck a chord with me, and for the first time in a while, I was completely stumped. I didn’t have an answer for the man. I had spent so much energy pushing away anything more than sex that I hadn’t stopped and asked myself why. Why was I so concerned about my relationship with Ella developing into more? I had spent so much energy trying to keep it from developing that I had missed out on some of the best parts of it. I had pushed Ella away only for her to come back to my open arms. There had never been any hesitation about it. There’d been no question of whether I should let her back in. I just had. If it was really all about sex, then why couldn’t I pick up another woman? I should have felt comfortable knowing I could pick up a girl anytime I wanted for the sex part.
Brian talked about how he felt freer and more content now after his divorce, but I didn’t see that at all. If he was so content with his life, why would he feel the need to live vicariously through anyone else? Brian was covering his fears and concerns with the idea of total bliss, with the thought that he had everything he wanted and could control anything else that came into his life. Sex was abundant but short lived for him, and that wasn’t the basis of any kind of relationship. Emotions were the base that he and most people on this earth were searching for.
At the same time, though, sex was the beginning of so many different relationships. Maybe, just maybe, Ella and I could be something more. Maybe we did transcend the line between just sex and a relationship. Besides, did just sex even exist? Wasn’t there always some sort of emotion behind sex, whether it was only for one night or just as friends or a good-bye screw? Still, the fact that Ella was not here all the time was still a factor. I couldn’t ignore that she was going to be leaving for school again soon. For the sake of both of us, and our feelings, I needed to stop the back and forth and be resolved in my decision. I had to be serious about whatever relationship we did have.
Chapter 18
Two Months Later
Ella
Sitting at dinner with my parents was not fun. My father was still trying to convince me to apply to law school. The man was relentless.
“You are graduating with your undergrad in May,” he said. “So if there is any glimmer of an idea that you may want to go to law school, you need to get your applications in now.”
“Dad, how many times do I need to tell you that going to law school is not somethingI am interested in whatsoever?”
“Why are you so indignant?”
“I’m not,” I snapped. “I’m just tired of you trying to force your dreams on me. I’m sorry you had it in your mind that I would be just like you, but that is not going to happen.”
At that point, the meal was completely ruined, even with my mother trying to smooth things over. We collected our things in silence, paid the bill, and headed back to the apartment. I couldn’t believe my father had decided to pick a fight with me about this the day before I was supposed to head back to school. Why couldn’t he be a normal, doting father, sad to see his eldest daughter leave again and hounding me about coming home for Christmas, not becoming someone I didn’t want to be. It was like he didn’t give a shit about our personal relationship. Even I had become business to him.
When we got back, I took my things inside and changed into a sundress and flip-flops. I was tired of putting on a show for my father’s friends with a fancy dress and jewelry. I left the apartment without saying anything, feeling more than a little upset. I went to the only place I knew would make me feel better, and that was Will and Avery’s place. If nothing else, Avery would make me feel loved and special, and that was exactly what I needed to lighten my mood.
Only moments after I knocked on the door, Will opened it and smiled at me. Avery ran across the room, throwing himself into my arms and wrapping his little hands around me and squeezing tightly. I let out a deep breath and hugged him back as tightly as I could without squishing him. Will invited me in, and we all went into the living room and sat down. Avery climbed into my lap. Both Will and Avery seemed upset about the fact that I was leaving. For the first time, it hit me that I was going to miss them, too. It was about Avery’s bedtime, so I helped Will put him to bed and was the one who read the bedtime story. Avery loved it but started crying, telling me how he didn’t want me to go back to college.
“Aww, buddy,” I said, brushing his hair of his eyes. “I promise I will come and visit you as much as I can. My parents live right next door, so I’ll be home all the time.”
He sniffled and nodded his head before turning over on his side and snuggling into the blankets. It didn’t take long after that for him to fall asleep. Will and I crept out of the bedroom and into the hall, closing the door behind us. I looked up at Will and smiled, feeling a tension between us. He stared at me for several moments and then reached down, picking me up and cradling me in his arms. It took me off guard, and I latched onto his neck. Slowly, he carried me down the hall to his bedroom and went inside, shutting the door behind him. He put me down on my feet and lunged forward, pulling me into his arms and kissing me passionately. I whimpered as his mouth moved over mine, but I didn’t fight it. It was exactly what I needed.
We pulled our mouths away breathlessly, and I pushed my hands up under his shirt, feeling the strength of his tight muscles. He reached up, pulled his T-shirt over his head, and tossed it to the side before kissing me again, his hands cupping my face. My hands trailed down his rippling pecks and stopped at his waistline. I undid his belt and unzipped his pants. Then I pulled them down to his feet and watched as he stepped out of them. My hand grazed his bulging package inside his tight black boxer briefs, and my lips pressed against his. He pulled my sundress off and unhooked my bra, groaning as his eyes moved over my body. He went to push me onto the bed, but I stopped him, lowered myself to my knees, and grasped his shaft through his boxers. He groaned out loud and ran his hand over the top of my head.
I hooked my fingers into the waistband of his briefs and pulled them down over his knees and to the floor. He stepped out of them and kicked them to the side, spreading his legs apart. I reached up and grabbed his shaft, deciding that games were not what I wanted to play tonight. I opened my mouth and let his cock inside, taking him in fast and deep. He growled, bracing himself as my head moved up and down, my lips pressing hard, my tongue swirling, my throat contracting around his dick. I could hear my suction as I plunged up and down his massive erection, opening my throat and taking it all in. Will wrapped his fingers around my hair, and that aroused me.
I reached between my legs and rubbed my clit, moaning through my full mouth, the vibration from which echoed off his cock. He watched me as I played with myself and pleasured him to the point where he would be begging to fuck me. I rotated my head as I pushed down to the base and then sat there, bobbing up and down in short bursts until I needed air in my lungs. Before I could go down again, though, Will reached down and grabbed me under the arms, lifting me into the air and tossing me onto his bed. He tore off my panties, throwing them pointedly on the floor, and roughly grabbed my thighs, spreading my legs wide. He raised his hand and slapped my pussy several times before leaning forward and burying his face in it.
His tongue immediately lapped at my juices, my body ready for him from my own pleasuring. I screamed as he plunged two fingers inside me and began to fingerfuck me with heat and passion. He growled and reached underneath me, grabbing my ass and lifting me up in the air as he sat up on his knees. I grabbed onto the comforter, my shoulders being the only thing resting on the bed at that
point. It was so erotic, so hot, and I couldn’t think about anything but his mouth sucking on my clit. He shifted one hand, and I threw my legs over his shoulders as his thumb pushed inside me. I gasped, wanting more, wanting to feel the release of this orgasm.
“Fuck,” I moaned.
“I want to taste you come,” he whispered before diving back down between my legs.
Just the sound of his voice pushed me further, and I found myself teetering on the edge of an orgasm. I started to move my hips, rubbing my pussy against his mouth and screaming out. Immediately, I felt the ignition, and the heat in my body exploded. I gripped the bed and stiffened, feeling every part of his tongue as I came hard and long, my juices spilling out onto his hand. I held my breath as the waves of passion moved over me, pushing and pulling at my ability to control myself. As my breath escaped my body, Will laid me gently on the bed and flipped me over onto my stomach.
I arched my ass into the air and pulled myself onto my knees, my chest still pressed against the bed. He grabbed my ass and jiggled it with his hand, using his other to stroke his rock-solid cock. He moved toward me and slid his dick through my juices and deep inside me. I screamed, looking back at him and biting my lip as his muscles rippled behind me. He grabbed my hips and wasted no time pushing and thrusting into my body. The length of his cock plunged deep inside me. I gripped the bed and tilted my forehead against the mattress, moaning as the heat in my belly began to bubble over once again. Will growled, slapping his body into mine as he fucked the hell out of me, my tits bouncing around from the strength of his blows.
He thrust hard and deep in a slower manner, getting every inch of himself inside. On the third push, his body tensed and his fingers clenched down on my sides. I rubbed my clit quickly, and as his cock pulsated inside me, spilling his seed, I erupted, crashing back against him with the ripples of my orgasm showering every muscle in my body.