Last Time She Died

by Niki Kamerzell

  The world shifted around her. A loud ringing drowned out all other sounds. Her focus blurred. The ringing stopped. Her vision cleared. Alexia stood next to a giant boulder on a glistening beach. The warm sand was soft between her toes. She stood in a shallow alcove away from the main shoreline. A salty, flowery breeze floated by her and she breathed the fresh scent.

  Looking down at her skin, she realized she was not inside her body. In her head, she felt the other brain next to hers, but it felt different than her other past lives.

  A hand with much longer fingers than her own held up her dress so it did not fall in the water. The lean muscles of her exposed legs and arms were much stronger than Alexia’s. The woman’s dark skin glistened in the sun, and the feet she looked down at were smaller than the ones she was used to as Alexia.

  The body felt strong and sure. She was more at peace with herself than any life Alexia had visited. Even the noble woman of France hadn’t felt this in control. As in the past lives, though, memories flowed into her mind. She was in the Cetteri. Many lifetimes before Alexia existed. The name and body she’d carried from her last life was Arishat. She’d lived in Carthage.

  She looked around to the other Essences on the beach. Giddy laughter from a gathering by the water drifted her way. A couple held hands in a nearby stand of trees. A tall man strolled down the beach, humming to himself.

  The briny breeze lifted her hair and salt tickled her nose. The small inlet she stood in lapped at her feet. Bright flowers, bigger than those she found on Earth, thanks to the permanent good weather, sent sweet scents through the air and mixed with the salt. Light waves splashed across the white sand.

  Although the Cetteri was paradise, she loved the struggle of life. Finding love and happiness. There was a wider range of emotions—like hate, and envy, and bliss—that didn’t exist in the Cetteri. It wasn’t just the emotions that she loved, though. Everything as a human is finite. She had to find purpose, and she had to live. There wasn’t time to waste in the short lives humans had.

  A voice behind her made her jump. “I know who you really are.”

  Whipping around, she took in a tall man in a saffron yellow shirt. His wavy hair fell to his shoulders. His square jaw strained as if he were mad. Not a common expression in the Cetteri.

  “I’m sorry?” she asked.

  “Someday everyone will know, too. They will realize your love of death and power makes you dangerous.”

  The words echoed in her mind and she was slow to respond. “My love of death?”

  “And power.” His voice was level. His eyes were cold.

  “I’m not sure I follow.”

  Something spiked down her back. It took her a moment to realize it was fear. Fear wasn’t something she’d ever felt in the Cetteri. It was so foreign to her as an Essence that she almost didn’t believe it. Fear was a human emotion. There was no reason to be afraid in the Cetteri. She took a moment to ground herself and looked back into his eyes. She shivered.

  “Why would you say I love death?” She worked to make her voice level. “And power,” she tacked on after only a second.

  He tisked at her and shook his head slowly. “Tell me, why do you want to be human all the time? You bounce from life to meaningless life.”

  “That’s not true. My human lives are not meaningless.”

  “How many have you lived?” He raised an eyebrow. “Can you even keep track anymore? What was your name this time anyway?” He stepped closer, his tall frame almost touching her.

  “Arishat,” she said in a stronger voice than she’d expected. “Why would you even ask that?”

  “How many lives?” he repeated.

  She paused only for a second. “Seventeen.”

  “And you don’t think that is excessive?”

  “Others have lived more.” The hair on the back of her neck stood as he inched closer still.

  “Do you even remember me?”

  “Of course. You were called Bher.”

  “You’ve lived so many lives since. Why would you remember me?”

  “You’ve lived lives since.”

  He drew closer to her face. “I have not.”

  She hadn’t known that. She moved her mouth but couldn’t find the words.

  “You should have married me. We should have been together. And you left me.”

  She nodded. The leaders had decided, it was true. But she’d run away.

  “You left my gift,” he said.

  “The necklace?” It had been lovely. The large yellow stone and amber beads. It was a wonderful gift. She’d abandoned it when she’d run away.

  He nodded. “You left it.”

  “Are you angry about that?”

  “How could I not be?”

  “It was over a thousand years ago. We were human. I didn’t do it to hurt you. I just—”

  “You abandoned me. And for what? Someone else? Who was he?”

  “I didn’t run off for another man. I never married.”

  “You just left.”

  She nodded. “Why haven’t you lived again?”

  “Why?”

  “Try another life. I think you’ll understand if you give it a chance.”

  “Another short, futile human life?”

  “The lives aren’t futile. Humans may not last like an Essence, but it’s not pointless.”

  “Because of the power or the death?” His mouth was in a flat line and she had to force herself not to take a step back.

  “Neither.” She straightened.

  “No?” He raised an eyebrow. “Your power grows with each life. You die.”

  “With life comes death. There is no way around it. I don’t love death.” She took in a deep breath. “And the power, well, I didn’t ask for it. Any Essence who lives enough human lives will develop one.”

  “And you like the power. You want to be able to control the weather when you are human? You want them to call you a god?”

  She couldn’t form a response and a strangled noise escaped her throat.

  “What if I could get you more power? We could be the strongest Essences in existence.”

  “What?” Her voice was barely audible.

  He leaned into her ear. “The first time it was an accident. I loved her. More than you. It was real. But then she wanted to go. To be human,” he spat the word.

  He rubbed his cheek against hers. She struggled but his grip was firm.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  His body slackened and he grabbed her hand. “She wanted to leave. Like everyone else.”

  The world pitched around her and when it stopped, she stood in a bright, impossibly tall room. The walls were lined with wood and in the center of the room stood a disc that swirled with a creamy looking substance.

  It felt like a past life, but it wasn’t hers. She didn’t jump into a different body. Arishat’s body - with Alexia still inside her head - stood alone in the room and out of place.

  Not alone.

  Voices echoed around her seconds before a couple entered. The woman was short, but graceful. Tight curls sprang around her round face. She wore an uneasy expression. Alexia didn’t recognize her.

  “Come with me,” she said.

  “I want to stay here,” the man said.

  Bher. She was in his past.

  The woman pulled his hand to her cheek. “Come with me. You’ll see. We can be happy.”

  “We can’t!” he yelled and shoved her. “We won’t.”

  She slid across the floor and looked up at him with wide eyes. “What—”

  “You just want to leave me,” he roared. He plucked her up from the ground by her hair. “I love you. Why isn’t that enough?”

  The woman pulled at his hand and winced in pain. He neared the standing disc with her. She writhed but only her toes touched the ground.

  “Stop, please,” she cried.

  He dropped her at the foot of the swirling disc and Arishat watched as colors swirled th
rough it. Orange to green and back again. Then the two swirled together slowly like stirring paint. But the colors never blended.

  The green faded and the disc turned a deep orange.

  The woman stood, panting and tried to move away from him.

  “You should go.” He pushed her and she tripped backwards into the swirling disc. It stretched behind her like a trampoline that would bounce her back out before she was swallowed up inside.

  Arishat backed away. The world shifted and she was back on the beach with Bher standing over her.

  He didn’t pause, as if he didn’t know what he’d shown her. Or, possibly, he didn’t care.

  “I’m offering you what you want. What I want. It was Euphoria. For days, colors were brighter. I felt stronger. I felt alive. But it didn’t last. When it was gone, I had the powers, sure, but I felt hollow.” He ran his fingers through her hair. “Join me. Try it, you’ll understand. Be a god!”

  She cleared her throat. “No. I’m no one’s god.”

  “We can rule the Cetteri.” There was hurt in his voice.

  “No one rules here.”

  “No. No one rules. Yet.”

  Her eyes widened. “What are you doing?”

  “Someone will want a crown. Someone power hungry. Someone like you.”

  He pointed at her. His rounded fingertip was an inch from her sternum. She looked down at it without answering. She slowly shook her head. Essences didn’t think the way he did. Essences’ abilities didn’t make them a danger to others.

  “You love death. This is just the next step, you understand?” He raised his eyebrow.

  “No!”

  “Humans kill each other all the time, and for far less!”

  “Human emotions and wills have no place here.”

  He laughed. The sound chilled her. “Don’t they? Is being human really so different?”

  “Yes,” she said without hesitation. “I am different as a human. All Essences are. We don’t bring it back with us.”

  “An act—”

  “No,” she interrupted him forcefully. “Try another human life. I’m sorry that one didn’t work out. Try again.”

  He waved her words away. “You’ll need someone to rule with. A queen needs a king.”

  She sputtered out a string of incoherent sounds.

  He moved his face down to hers, so the tips of their noses touched. “Someone will take this place. Make sure you are on the winning side.” He pressed his lips to hers.

  She pulled away with a choking sound. “It won’t happen, what you say.”

  He grabbed her hair. “You will join me one way or the other. I’ll either have you or your power.”

  “No!” Arishat kneed him in the groin and when he fell away, sputtering, she ran.

  The feelings rushing at her were far more human than anything she’d ever felt as an Essence. She had no idea how to react to Blaine’s strange behavior and the chills that still slid down her spine.

  The world folded around her; it soured and faded to an ugly yellow color. Everything looked two dimensional, fake, and out of place.

  She was pushed against something hard. She was in a different place in the Cetteri, a different time. A different memory.

  He was there again. He held her wrists next to her head pinning her in place against a large boulder. The tall trees around her swayed in a gentle breeze. His smile was sarcastic and angry. New fear flooded through her and her instinct was to run.

  He looked different now. Long blonde hair and icy blue eyes. But it was still him. She saw the same thing behind his eyes as before.

  “Blaine,” she growled.

  It was almost two thousand years after the last memory.

  It was a hundred and fifty years after Anne Durant’s death and the body was familiar.

  A harsh scowl replaced Blaine’s smile. He tilted his head down and his forehead fell into shadow, making him look all the more menacing.

  He whispered something and a wisp of yellow dust smacked her in the face. She sputtered and he laughed, saying she’d forget everything soon. He said something about powers, but Anne’s mind was getting hazy and she couldn’t catch it all.

  Blaine’s eyes lit up as he smiled a wide, victorious smile. She had to get away. To catch up to the others and tell them…something. Something important.

  She slammed her shoulders hard to the left and Blaine faltered, though kept his grip. She kicked his ankle. He dropped one of her wrists and she wrenched herself away. She skirted along the stone until she had a path to run.

  She turned back, unsure why she’d been running, and noticed Blaine as he crouched down. When he rose, he held a woman by the arm. Both her mind and Anne’s were confused. Anne was sure she’d been looking for Catherine, Cali’s past-self.

  Don’t I have to tell her something? Anne thought.

  The memory sped in reverse, like rewinding a movie and Anne collapsed into the dirt, panting for breath. She’d confronted Blaine before on the beach. Lifetimes ago. It replayed in her mind before fading to something more recent. Her death as Anne.

  Blaine had killed them all and he was still after them.

  Anne was remembering it all for the first time.

  She stumbled to her feet and the soft, cold ground twisted as the trees disappeared. She saw Blaine walking through a field.

  Anne waited in the grove for Catherine. Across the field, Blaine walked with Florie, a petite brunette with a soft voice and a strong ability to control fire.

  They walked up the intricately carved, dark wooden staircase between two incredibly tall trees. The stairs led to the rebirth and dispersal portal. Anne wondered if he intended to be reborn with Florie. Something nagged at the back of her mind and she followed them.

  Cali’s past-self—Catherine—joined her, smiling warmly. A scream pierced the air. Both girls rushed to the stairs but paused in the hallway. Another cry drove them forward.

  “Why are they there?” Anne whispered as they rushed toward the large room.

  “Who?” Catherine asked, but they were in the chamber quickly and she saw for herself. “Oh.”

  The portal was the only thing in the giant room besides the Essences. Screams bounced off the tall wooden area with carved walls and arched entryway. The surface of the disc shaped portal was clear and shiny except where a swirling cloud, like a colored soap bubble, made it opaque.

  The disc was a deep orange, the color of dispersal. If they were being reborn, it should be green.

  Blaine held Florie by her thick, wavy hair. “Stop fighting me!” he yelled at her.

  Blood covered her left arm and she twisted, trying to get away. Her eyes widened as she saw the girls enter, but Blaine hadn’t noticed them. Tripping, she howled out a scream. The fall ripped out the chunk of hair Blaine still held and, with her painful freedom, Florie scooted across the floor.

  “You don’t understand.” Blaine’s voice was cool.

  He closed the space between them. She rolled, moving farther from everyone in the room. Blaine stood blocking the exit. She bolted up and darted toward the opposite corner.

  Blaine lunged and grabbed at her ankle as she skirted past him. His grip didn’t hold, but she tripped and fell.

  “Why are you doing this?” Florie’s voice shook.

  “Power.” Hatred dripped off his words. “You have it. I want it.”

  “So, you’re going to disperse me?”

  Florie looked around Blaine’s feet at Anne and Catherine but he still hadn’t noticed either of them.

  Blaine grabbed Florie’s hair, again.

  Catherine had reached the portal, still moving closer to the two. “Blaine! Stop!”

  The sounds of Florie’s wheezing echoed off the walls, covering the rushing footsteps.

  Florie bucked and Blaine rolled off her back. She ran sideways, swaying. She was running toward the other wall, not the exit. Anne was feet away and reached out, but Florie didn’t see her.

  “Stop!” Blaine yelle
d, and everyone obeyed.

  Anne stopped so abruptly, she fell to the floor. Blaine’s words had power over them. She had no control. He’d told her to stop and she couldn’t disobey. She watched as Catherine crashed into a wall. Florie’s head bounced as Blaine smashed into her.

  “When you cease to exist, it won’t hurt. The pleasure it will bring me is worth it. Trust me.”

  “Let me go,” Florie cried.

  “Now I realize that the lasting gift, your power, is what I want. It’s amazing. I will be stronger than anyone.”

  Anne couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak. She could see and hear everything clearly, but she couldn’t do anything about it. She was trapped in her body the same way Alexia’s mind was. The hairs on her arms stood on end and sweat beaded her face, burning her eyes.

  Blaine’s muscles rippled as he picked up the small woman. She didn’t resist. She must have been paralyzed like Anne. He looked down at her, almost sad. “It doesn’t last as long as it did at first.”

  Florie gurgled and Anne watched her eyes roll back.

  “Thank you for your gift,” he said as he tossed her through the glimmering opening.

  Her moans were silenced once Florie passed the threshold and disappeared in the disc.

  Blaine swayed. His long golden hair blew around his shoulders and his eyes rolled up before closing. He leaned against the circular opening with a sigh, his head inches from the spot he’d just thrown Florie.

  Something in Anne broke loose and she was able to stand. She grabbed Catherine’s ice-cold hand, tugging her toward the exit. Blaine moaned in his trance.

  Anne watched over her shoulder as new Essences started to flow out the back of the portal. Blaine stopped swaying as the Essences arrived. He fisted his hands and his pale, cold eyes narrowed as he noticed he wasn’t alone. He ground his teeth, but didn’t approach them.

  Catherine held Anne’s hand as they darted to the exit. Anne tripped down the steps and Cali’s past-self stopped with her at the bottom. They backed into the tall flowers that grew nearby.

  “That wasn’t—” Anne stared back at the hallway between the arching trees. She pushed herself up and slowly stood. “What did we just see?”

  “You know what we saw.” Catherine looked in shock at her open hands.

  She ducked lower behind the greenery as the new Essences began flowing down the stairs in their neutral colored clothing.