A Love Restrained

by Becky Flade

  She pulled to the curb, parked and faced him. She had something she wanted to say, but she couldn’t remember what. He was nervous when they left her house, she didn’t feel nerves coming off him now. Something heavy hung in the air between them. His eyes, it’s his eyes; he won’t look directly at me. Hasn’t since I called him baby.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Now’s not the time. Later, okay?”

  He smiled and opened the car door. She sat a moment longer while he circled around to her side. Whatever it was, he’d shaken it off already. She smiled when he opened her car door for her. He smiled back, no trace of the awkward moment they’d just had, no trace of the nerves he’d displayed earlier. He thought he was ready for this. Nothing could prepare him for dinner with her family. They’ll be kind. But they’ll also be nosey. She hopped out and led him to the back door.

  Her mom stood at the sink, and the scent of roasting beef permeated the air. Her mom put down the peeler she wielded and pulled Jayson into a warm hug. Her dad left his paper on the breakfast bar and stood.

  “Hey there, handsome. It’s been too long.”

  “Hi, Mrs. Parker.” He smiled and returned her embrace.

  “I could’ve sworn I told you not to make moves on my woman once already, young man.”

  Her father took his hand, shook it like men do, but then pulled Jayson close for a hug that seemed to flummox him.

  “How’ve you been?”

  “My life improved by leaps and bounds when I smelled dinner.” He slung an arm around her waist and pulled her close.

  Oh my parents are going to love that.

  “Wait till you taste it. Beer?”

  “Yes, please.”

  She dropped her bag on a chair, got a second peeler from the drawer and started working on potatoes while the men disappeared into the basement. Her dad had a refrigerator down there in his work room. Mom didn’t let him keep beer in the kitchen.

  “I’ve got a big roast in the oven. Don’t ruin your dinner,” her mother hollered at their backs. “I’m worried about Jayson. Everyone is coming tonight. It’s a lot to take in all at once. We should’ve done something more intimate first. Just the four of us.”

  “Too late now. Consider it trial by fire.” She smiled. It’s one way of weeding out the unworthy.

  “You guys having sex yet?”

  “Jesus, Mom, what kind of question is that?”

  “The kind you’re going to get from your brothers and sisters.”

  Talk about trial by fire.

  “You didn’t answer me.”

  “No. We’re not.”

  “Why not? He’s handsome as sin.”

  Her niece and nephew rushed into the kitchen saving her from continuing that humiliating conversation. She squatted down to eye level and returned hugs and kisses, oohed and aahed over a lost tooth, and showered praise over an imaginatively drawn beach scene. Purple ocean and green sand, should be titled Dr. Seuss Takes a Holiday. Jordan stood in the doorway, hands on her hips, when she straightened.

  “Where is he?”

  “In the basement with Daddy. Be nice.”

  “I’m always nice.”

  “No, you’re not, not always. Why are you here so early?”

  Jordan smiled.

  “Mom, she got here early just so she could interrogate Jayson.”

  “I can’t believe you’re telling on me. You’re as bad as my kids.”

  “It never stops, Jordan. I’ve got five kids and as soon as any two or more of you are in the same room at the same time, the tattling, teasing and rivalries from decades ago float right up to the surface.” Their mom turned and levied a spoon at them. They stood arm and arm, smiling at her. “Brats. Get out of my kitchen.”

  They laughed and did as they were told.

  “And Jordan? Be nice to Jayson.”

  “Ha, I told ya.” She laughed and quickly stepped out of her sister’s reach. The front door opened, and more of her family filed in. The entire Parker clan had come early. Poor Jayson, we may never get him out of Daddy’s workshop.

  She sat in her mother’s favorite chair, her youngest nephew, Gabriel, nestled and sleeping on her shoulder. Despite her conversation with Scott and Marisa, she saw him turn into the dining room. He stopped, mid-sentence, and stared.

  Jessie and Molly were running; and James tripped over his own feet trying to keep up with the two older girls. Tray jabbered nonsense in Greg’s ear. Mikey banged a toy against the tray of his walker. Jordan yelled at the kids to stop running, and Mike and Kira were exchanging information on pediatricians with Pat and Susan. Kylee attributed the stunned look on his face to his first encounter with the entire Parker clan and smiled.

  He crossed to her, negotiating the war zone like a veteran. Dodging children and stepping around adults while murmuring absent greetings. Then bent and kissed her lips before running a fingertip over her nephew’s soft downy head.

  “Hey, beautiful.”

  “Hey, yourself.”

  “Dinner’s ready,” her mom bellowed. Whoops, catcalls and the drumming of feet beating a path to the dinner table filled the room. Jayson helped her up and wrapped an arm around her.

  “Save us two seats before we end up in folding chairs. I’m going to lay this guy down.”

  She set Gabriel on his belly, patted his diapered bottom when he squirmed and threatened to wake. When she thought it safe, she tiptoed into the dining room. Jayson watched her from where he stood sentry behind two of the good chairs. She couldn’t put a word to the look on his face, but the expression sported by every member of her family over the age of five she recognized. I am never gonna hear the end of this.

  After dinner, she and Jordan lost the coin toss and stood hip to hip before the kitchen sink. They’d been taking turns washing and drying for twenty years. It was the little routines she appreciated, like pretending they didn’t know the boys used a trick coin to get out of dish duty.

  “I miss it sometimes.”

  “You don’t wash dishes at your house?” She blew bubbles at her sister and laughed.

  “I wish.” Jordan swatted her with the dishrag. “I miss Greg looking at me like I’m the only other person in the room. Oh, don’t look at me like that. I love my husband, and I know he loves me too. But with the greenhouse and the kids, we have so little time, so little romance. Seriously, LeeLee, every day is full of poop. I’m not playing, so don’t smile at me. I’m talking mulch, fertilizer, baby poo, dog shit, you name it. It’s everywhere, all day, every day. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change a minute of our life together for all the tea in China. But I’d be willing to sell my Tetley for him to look at me the way Jayson looks at you.”

  “You know I’d take the kids in a heartbeat, all you ever need to do is ask. In fact, why don’t you guys plan a romantic weekend away and I’ll keep all three kids with me?”

  “Really? You mean it?”

  “Damn right, I mean it. I’ll email you my schedule. Whatever weekend I’m not on shift works best for you two, you take a mini-vacation, ‘kay?”

  “Making time with my girl?” Jayson asked from the doorway.

  Jordan turned away. Married or not, she wasn’t about to let a good-looking man catch her crying into their mother’s dishrag. Her sister was far too vain.

  “For future reference, that line only works when Daddy uses it.” She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed his behind. “We’re almost done in here. Sounds like Dad needs a hand convincing the others to help him build mom’s gazebo. Give him a hand?”

  He nipped her bottom lip, grabbed a cookie and strutted into the living room. She and her sister giggled, then the giggling escalated into laughter.

  “Oh, my God, you left a foamy handprint on his ass!”

  “I know. I did it on purpose.”

  Then they heard the laughter and catcalls from the living room, and Jayson’s “What the hell?” followed by Molly’s “You said a bad word,” and their laughter turned to
hilarity until they their mother hollered, “Kylee Ann!”

  CHAPTER NINE

  “I had a great time. Your family is incredible.” A yawn punctuated the compliment. “Thank you for inviting me.”

  “You’re welcome.” Fat drops of rain plopped on the windshield, and she turned on the wipers before glancing over. “They enjoyed you too.”

  She smiled when he snored and turned the radio on low. The gentle snores, quiet music and swish of wiper blades soothed after such a hectic evening with her family. Her nieces and nephews demanded hugs. The look on his face as he’d bent down to accommodate them tugged at her heart.

  She pulled into her driveway and had shut the car off before shaking him. “Jayson, baby, we’re home.”

  The words slid from her lips with an ease that startled her. She would’ve pulled back, but he had his hand on her neck and his mouth on hers before she could retreat. She didn’t think the kiss was meant to stir, but it did. She was desperate to touch him and to be touched by him.

  He broke away first, panting. “I don’t want our first time to be in the damn car.”

  “Then get in the damn house.” She smiled, popped the door open and ran to the door laughing in the rain, not looking back. She hadn’t needed to; he was right behind her when her key hit the lock, his mouth doing delicious things to the back of her neck. They stepped inside in tandem, and she twirled in his arms bringing her mouth back to his. Kissing him and rubbing her body against him. “I want you, Jayson. Please.”

  He swept her into his arms, she locked hers around his neck, and he carried her to the steps. She plied her mouth to his neck, sucking on the little spot that made him groan. They’d been making out like horny teens for weeks when they weren’t arguing, and she’d stored away little bits of information on what he enjoyed. He groaned, and she chuckled against his neck before taking his earlobe between her teeth.

  He kicked the bedroom door wide. He laid her in the center of the bed. She rose up, lifting her shirt over her head and tossing it to the floor. He ran a finger down the strap of her lacy bra, tracing the edge of one cup, dipping into her cleavage before continuing up to her other shoulder. A light glow came from the hallway, casting his face in shadows. But his hands were framed in light and she thought they quivered.

  She unbuttoned the oxford he’d worn for her family. She liked how the curls of hair on his chest tickled the tip of her nose when she kissed him over his heart. His hands kneaded her shoulders, but when she tasted the skin stretched over his firm stomach, he flinched and gripped her hard. Her hands went to his waist. And bumped against his cell phone.

  What am I doing? How could I forget? A heartbeat away from surrendering everything. And nothing has changed.

  “You said to turn it off. You didn’t say to leave it at home.”

  “I know.” She laid her forehead against his abdomen.

  “Goodnight.”

  She nodded. He ran his fingers through her hair, gripped her chin and tilted her face. She didn’t know what he saw, or what he was thinking, but it felt final when he kissed her. It was a whisper of his lips over hers. And it felt like goodbye. If he leaves, I’ll never see him again.

  “Don’t go,” she whispered. “Please, I don’t want you to go.”

  “I don’t think you know what you want.”

  He buttoned his shirt and stepped away from her. It was a few feet. Might as well be an ocean. Her skin chilled. She pulled a throw blanket around her shoulders like a shawl. She’d thrown it over the bed earlier, thinking it looked pretty. Never thinking she’d use it as a shield.

  “I can’t reconcile the man laughing with my dad and hugging my niece with the man who works for Checcio. It’s like you’re two different people.”

  “No, I’m not.” He sat on the edge of the bed and took her hand. “I’m me. Just me. What you see is what you get. That other thing, that’s just my job. I can’t explain it any better than that.”

  “Can’t? Or won’t?” She dared to look into his eyes for the first time since her hand had brushed against his cell phone.

  “Same thing, sweetheart.”

  He’s right. I don’t know what I want. Everything is so mixed up. She laid her palm against his cheek and fought the urge to cry. They’d had such a nice evening with her family, and the flare of passion afterward had felt right.

  “Stay with me.”

  He groaned and laid his forehead against hers. “I already hate myself for what I’m about to say. I don’t think sex is the right answer.”

  Chivalry. From a drug dealer. And he wonders why I’m confused?

  “Not what I meant. Just stay with me.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  She woke alone. She didn’t need to check. She could sense his absence. That shouldn’t make me sad. I like being alone. Prefer it. I’ve had a man sleep over before, I’m not a saint. But I hate the morning-after. Hate waking up with someone in my house, in my space. Despise trying to find the right words to smooth over the awkwardness before coffee. Jayson leaving already should be a good thing. What if he left for good?

  “Morning, sleepyhead.”

  He stood in the doorway with a tray in both hands. She had hung his wet things up to dry the night before and loaned him clothes her brothers had left behind to sleep in. The shorts were a little too short and the tee-shirt more snug than he normally wore. It should've been a silly look but, with his winning smile, the mismatched outfit oozed sex appeal. The rich scent of coffee and bacon filled the room. Her stomach danced. So did her heart. She pushed the latter away and sat up.

  “You going to feed me or stand there, grinning at me like a moron.”

  “In a minute.” He placed the tray on the closest bureau and knelt on the bed, crawling over it, like an animal stalking her.

  She laughed until he gripped her ankle and gave it a firm yank. She slid under him.

  “I haven’t brushed my teeth yet!”

  Not appearing to care, he fastened his mouth to hers. She slid her arms up around his shoulders and he ran his hands down her sides. Lust licked at her pulse, but before she could embrace the passion he used his fingers on her ribs. He tickled her until she writhed, laughter strangling her.

  “Uncle!”

  “Now you can eat.”

  “There is something wrong with you.”

  He grinned, pleased with himself or with her, she couldn’t tell. He placed the tray on the bed and sat opposite her. “How’d you sleep?”

  “Great. How about you?”

  “You snore.” He pointed at her with a piece of bacon. “But I slept great anyway.”

  “I do not! Even if I do, it’s bad manners to tell a lady she snores.”

  “It’s bad manners to ask a lady what she weighs or how old she is. I did neither.” He bit into the bacon. “I saw your degree on the wall. Why didn’t you become a lawyer?”

  “Ah, the fifty-million-dollar question. I’m shocked no one mentioned it. It’s a common conversation piece at family dinners.”

  “I spent the whole night with you in my arms, snoring, while I suffered through the most painful set of blue balls I’ve had since high school. And then made you breakfast. Tell me.”

  “You just said you slept great.”

  “I’m a better liar than you are.” He grinned and popped another piece of bacon in his mouth.

  Did he lie about sleeping well or did he want me to know he knew she lied about not knowing she snored? Oh God, I haven’t had enough caffeine for this.

  “You’re a morning person, aren’t you?”

  “Guilty. I’m tenacious too. Law degree?”

  “I thought law and justice were one and the same. Law school taught me they’re not. I decided I didn’t want to be a lawyer if being a good lawyer meant ignoring my morals. Hung my degree on the wall and joined the police academy where law and order is more easily defined.”

  His phone rang from where he’d sat it on her nightstand. Her eyes went to it. He froze, but didn’t ap
ologize, didn’t explain. It was a painful reminder of where they stood. He sat on her bed, looking her in the eyes as he answered.

  “Yes, yes, fine. No, it’s okay. I’ll be right there.”

  “Jase?” She didn’t know who was on the phone or what they had said, but it wasn’t good.

  “I have to go.” He stood, his movements stiff. “That was one of your fellow justice keepers. It would appear my sister got stinking drunk and beat my mother half to death. My mother’s refusing medical assistance. They’re hoping I can convince her to go to the hospital.”

  All traces of the sweet, sexy man were gone. Thought I’d see the scared little boy, but no. There’s nothing there. No pain, just frustration. Why does that make me want to weep?

  “I’ll come with you.” She stood as he gathered his things and hurried to her bureau as he ducked into the bathroom.

  “That’s not necessary.” He walked into the room, his khakis unbuttoned and his shirt in his hands. His body language, his voice, everything about him dismissed her and distanced him.

  “I want to.” She stood, shorts in one hand, a tee shirt in another, her hands fisted on each hip. She sensed a battle of wills forthcoming. Why is he doing this?

  “I don’t need you to come with me.” He punched his arm through one hole and then the other. He buttoned his shirt with short, jerky motions. “I don’t want you there.”

  She swallowed the hurt, trying and failing to understand; but nodding as though she did.

  “I’ll call you later.” He grabbed his shoes and walked out of the room.

  His footsteps echoed throughout the house. I didn’t ask for this. Didn’t ask for him. I didn’t even want to be in a relationship. He pursued me. He did this. Screw it. I’m going. She changed her clothes, listening as her back door opened and closed and the garage door opened soon after. When the bike started, she slipped into flip-flops and ran down the steps.

  She grabbed her keys from the kitchen floor where they’d fallen when they’d tripped through the door groping each other the night before and pulled out of her driveway in time to see him turn left two corners down.