Letting Go

by Charity Jackson

  Ryder had looked so sad and it took everything in me not to go to him. When he had turned and realized Ian's parents were there and then had turned, catching my eye, I could see the range of emotions pass across his face.

  I left with my parents as soon as the service was over. The Cowan family was huddled together in their grief and there were quite a few people waiting to pass along their condolences. We had come and paid our respects and I wasn't sure how much more I was ready to give Ryder yet. I wanted to talk to him soon, but I needed a little more time to think first.

  My mom was hesitant to let me go home again, but I made it clear when we talked last night that I have a life to get back to. I've made new friends and have a job that I'm needed at. Life has continued on whether I wanted it to or not. Despite everything that has happened with Ryder, I want to live this life. I've re-embraced it and I'm not going back to the isolation I had put myself in over the last two years.

  Grabbing my bags I head down the stairs and toss them in the back of the Jeep. Heading back in I found my mom at the kitchen table sipping her coffee.

  “Well, I need to get on the road. I would really like for you and dad to come visit again soon,” I said, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and hugging her from behind.

  “I would like that,” she said patting my arm.

  I could tell she was still sad. She had taken Bobby's death hard. We had talked a long time about all the sadness and devastation that has come from Ian's murder.

  She had talked with Ian's mom at the service and they planned to meet later this week for lunch. I was happy they were reconnecting. They both had kind souls and their mutual connection to Ian and I had made them friends over the years.

  I kissed the back of her head and stood up. “Where's dad?”

  “I think he's in the garage. He was saying something about a fuel pump or fuel filter, I don't know what he was talking about,” she said, finally smiling up at me.

  “Well I'll catch him on my way out. Give me a hug. I have to go, but I'll see you soon, okay?” She stood wrapping her arms around me. She's been shorter than me since I hit my sophomore year of high school, but now she seems even shorter. Like the weight of all this has compressed her and made her smaller and more frail.

  “Take care of yourself young lady. And live a little, okay? You're young and beautiful. I want to hear about a new man in your life one of these days.” She pulled back, searching my eyes.

  “When I find the right man I'll let you know,” I replied. I still hadn't said a word about Ryder.

  What could I say. That I have fallen in love with the brother of the man who killed Ian. That he has been lying to me the last two weeks and that he had my engagement ring from Ian for two years and was just now returning it. That despite all this I still wanted to go to him and forgive him and wrap my arms around him and never let go? Yeah, that wasn't a conversation I was ready to have.

  “Bye dad,” I said leaving through the garage. “Take care of our softy in there. She's having a hard time with all this.”

  “Yeah, she is, but she'll be fine. How about you? You seem to be putting on a strong front but I know that Bobby Cowan's death has brought a lot of emotions back to the surface. You going to be okay?” He was genuinely concerned and I loved him for it. He wiped his hands on the white rag hanging from his back pocket.

  “I'll be fine. I've been getting stronger for a while now. This has thrown me a little but I'm moving forward.” I was telling him the truth, even though I was leaving out Ryder and the ring. “Bring mom for a visit soon, okay? I think it will help her to see me happy where I'm at. You can check out my photos in the gallery too.”

  “That sounds like a good idea. Maybe we can plan a visit in the next few weeks. You're right, it will be good for her,” he said, wrapping me in a bear hug.

  “All right, I gotta go. I want to hit the road and get home at a decent hour. I'll call when I'm safely home. Love you.” A quick kiss to the cheek and a hug and it was time to leave my parents home and move on. Again.

  Stopping on my way down the hill I pulled over to the side of the road and gathered a spray of wild flowers. Looping one of my hair ties around the middle to keep it together I hopped back into the Jeep looking for the turn off.

  I had just been here yesterday for Bobby's service. I'm not sure if Ryder knows that Ian was buried here too. It didn't bother me that Bobby and Ian were laid to rest in the same cemetery. I guess it would bother some people and maybe it would have upset me a couple years ago.

  I had felt peace during Bobby's service. Sadness yes, but also peace. Not in his death, not in what he did, but somehow being part of him being laid to rest had softened the sting I had felt when I heard he had died.

  Before Bobby's service I had walked by Ian's grave and said a little prayer. I knew I was coming back today to talk to him so I didn't linger. I just wanted to thank God for the time I had with Ian. I wanted to draw a little strength from my memories of our time before heading over to be part of the burial of a man who had been part of Ian's death.

  The trees created a protective ring around the cemetery. They were planted close and plentiful and created a lush green screen against the blue of the sky.

  It was too early for the leaves to be changing on the trees. Last fall I spent a couple hours sitting and watching the orange, red and yellow leaves fall to the ground while I talked to Ian. I've visited since then; at Christmas, at his birthday, and short visits to say hi when I've been visiting my parents. I know Ian is not here in this old cemetery. I think most people know this about their loved ones but since it's the place that we often say our last good-byes, where our loved ones body is laid to rest, it's natural to want to return.

  My last long visit had been around Thanksgiving of last year. I had been home for the holiday. While it was getting cold out, the winter snows hadn't fallen yet. The cemetery had been quiet, the sun had been shining and the cascade of falling leaves had left me with a sense of peace.

  That day had been a healing day for me. I had told Ian how much I missed him, how much he had missed out on the last year. But I hadn't been angry anymore. Just sad. Disappointed that he wasn't there beside me anymore. It was a day of telling him how much I loved him and wished he was still there with me.

  These feelings had not gone away. I still loved and missed Ian. I was still disappointed that he was no longer beside me, but this visit was a chance for me to let go, not of the memories, but of the feeling that I'm betraying Ian by living my life without him.

  I knew that I wouldn't actually hear a response from him, but I needed to tell him what I was feeling. To say how I was feeling about Ryder. I didn't know what I was going to do about that situation, but the fact that I was falling in love with another man and was prepared to start living my life again was something I wanted to share with my best friend.

  The tires crunched on the gravel drive as I slowly crept toward the section Ian had been buried in. The green of the trees around me coupled with the lush green of the surrounding grass was peaceful and comforting. Fluffy cotton ball clouds drifted against a brilliant blue sky. Ian's blue eyes came to mind. When he was really earnest about something he was telling me he used to stare into my eyes, willing me to grasp the importance of what he was saying. Those eyes of his had always held my heart captive.

  The landscapers must have been out recently as the grass was trimmed short and everything was neat and tidy. I hadn't paid attention to this yesterday at Bobby's funeral and I don't know why this came to mind, other than I felt happy that Ian's resting place was being cared for. Walking across the grass, careful to step between plots and headstones, I laid the flowers below his headstone.

  Kneeling I ran my fingers over his name. It was impossible to not feel sadness. The stone was cold beneath my finger tips. Warm tears started trickling down my cheeks and I sighed.

  “Hi BB. I've missed you.” I dug a tissue out of my pocket and wiped my cheeks. These visits were never easy
. I started with some easy subjects. “I called Kelly while I was here. I didn't get a chance to see her and Matt this visit, but she said the sport shop is doing good. Matt finally brought on a full timer for the summer.

  “Kelly's pregnant too. She's about 6 months along and she thinks that's why Matt is cutting back his hours a little. They're having a little boy and they are both so excited. They picked out a name already. Michael Ian Brady. Has a nice ring to it I think.”

  Hearing myself say the name out loud caused a sob to escape as I tried to choke back the emotions. If Ian hadn't been taken from me, we might have been celebrating a new baby too. I was so happy that his name would be carried on with his best friend's son.

  I sat in the peaceful cemetery enjoying the quiet while I calmed down. A breeze was blowing through the trees carrying the scent of pine and jasmine. It was still early on a Tuesday morning and I didn't see any other visitors. Looking across the other headstones set into the lush green grass I noticed all the colorful flowers, small balloons and candles. The colors blurred in front of my teary eyes and looked like a sprinkling of confetti.

  Laying on my stomach on the grass, I rested my head on my crossed arms, just below Ian's gravestone. It didn't creep me out to know his coffin and body lay a few feet below me. This was just me being near him. I started telling him what I was feeling.

  “When I saw you at the carnival so many years ago my heart had swelled. It had to just to make room for all the love I was going to feel for you. It didn't take long for you to start filling it. I need you to know that I am always, always going to carry that love for you.” I paused, lifting my head, needing to look at his name carved into the stone. I began tracing his name again as I continued.

  “Our love was cut short and it wasn't supposed to happen that way. I wasn't prepared and when my whole world imploded I didn't know what to do. I'm finally picking up the pieces and putting them back together. I have to tell you BB that I feel guilty though. I'm so afraid to start living again because I'm afraid that if I do then I'll stop remembering you.” I sighed, pulling at the grass in front of me now, making a little pile and trying to control the tears brimming in my eyes.

  “I want to keep having random anniversaries, I want to hear you yell out 'Blue' and have you plan out some new adventure for us. I want to breath in your cologne while I hug your neck and have you stare in my eyes before you kiss me silly. But none of those things will ever happen again and I don't know how to be okay with that.” A few more tears escaped and I paused, remembering all the times that Ian had done all those things.

  “I met this guy a couple weeks ago. He's the first man who has made me feel some of those same emotions again. It scares me and thrills me all at the same time. I really think that you would have liked him. He's one of the good guys. He doesn't know it though.

  “I know he could never replace you, no one could, but I'm starting to understand that he doesn't have to. It's not all or nothing. I can still have my love for you, my memories of our time together, but I can also make room in my heart for more love.” Sitting up I sat cross legged now resting my elbows on my knees and leaning over Ian's headstone.

  “Here's the tough part. This guy's brothers are the ones who took you from me. His brothers killed you and he found out about it and didn't step up. I just don't know if I can forgive him for that, while at the same time I actually understand why he didn't come forward. He was afraid of losing his other brother, of hurting his parents and endangering his own freedom. I don't think he wanted to accept their involvement either.

  “The brother that went to jail was killed a few days ago. The other brother is still free. There has been so much sadness, so much tragedy and heartache. I have to forgive the Cowans or I don't think I'll ever recover from all this.”

  I had hung the engagement ring on a silver chain around my neck. Pulling it out from under my shirt I held it up gazing at the small diamond. The night Ryder returned it I had discovered that Ian had an inscription engraved inside the ring. It was something I had never seen before. I hadn't had the ring long enough to see it.

  “My only Blue, my only love. Forever yours.” I whispered.

  “You will be mine forever, BB. Always and forever. But I need to know that I can move on. I don't want grief to be our connection, I want my memories of the love and life that we were able to share to be our connection. I need to know that it's okay for me to find love and that you'll always know how much I love you too.” I sighed again because I knew he couldn't talk to me. Not anymore.

  Leaning forward I pressed my lips to his name. Gathering my feet under me I prepared to stand up. Glancing over to the spray of wildflowers I had laid down I noticed a large, vivid green praying mantis perched amongst the yellow and purple blossoms. He didn't move, just held himself in the prayer pose, staring straight at me.

  “Thank you BB.” The tears began flowing freely. Tears of sadness, but also tears of hope. “Thank you.”

  Leaving the praying mantis perched upon Ian's flowers I turned toward the Jeep. My steps were lighter and my heart no longer ached. I said what I needed to say to Ian and had loosened my grip on him a little. Slowly I was figuring out how to let him go.

  Lost in my thoughts about the future before me I didn't notice the motorcycle parked across the cemetery, hiding in the shadows of the pines.

  Chapter 31 - Ryder

  I stayed until Wednesday morning to spend a little more time with my parents. There was no real reason to stay longer. There was nothing more I could do. My dad was attentive to my mom and they leaned on one another. My dad even spent less time in his work shop, instead choosing to have coffee with my mom in the kitchen or read beside her in the living room. I had a feeling they were going to be okay and I was relieved.

  Jenna brought Max by on her way to take him to school Wednesday morning so I could say good bye.

  “I'm so proud of the mom you are to Max,” I said, hugging her. “He's a great kid. You've done good.” Max was inside saying good morning to my parents as Jenna and I stood out on the front walk.

  She smiled up at me. “Getting sentimental in your old age big brother?” She was teasing, but I knew the compliment meant a lot to her.

  “No, I've just decided things shouldn't go unsaid anymore. Our family has always been terrible about expressing our emotions.”

  I grabbed her shoulders, turning her to face me as I repeated, “I mean it. You're a good mom and a good person. I'm proud of you.” I pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head.

  “Thanks Ryder. That means a lot to hear you say that,” She said squeezing me tight.

  “Now don't get all teary eyed on me. We've had enough of that to last a lifetime.” I smiled down at my little sister. Her blue eyes reminded me of Bobby. Man I missed him.

  Max came bounding out of the house jumping on my back. “Hey little monkey!” I said, laughing and pulling him around in front of me. “Take care of your momma, okay?”

  I gave him the stink eye and he gave it back. “Brush your teeth, do your homework, eat your veggies, you know all that stuff.” He was laughing.

  “Yes Uncle Ryder, I'll do 'all that stuff'.” Why did I have the feeling he was messing with me?

  “Come on Max. Time to get to school,” Jenna said. “Give Uncle Ryder a proper hug, we gotta go.”

  After they left I went up to my old room to get my bags. I looked around again remembering some of the old memories of Bobby and I and our time playing in this room. It was time for me to move on and get back to my routine.

  I had decided to head back to my apartment even though I really wanted to go to Cyan. I had to know that she would want that though and I was afraid she wouldn't. Hopefully she would contact me soon. I wasn't giving up on there being a future for us, but I wanted to respect her feelings as I tried to figure out how and when to contact her again.

  My mom clung to me tightly before letting me go. My dad shook my hand but then pulled me into a hug too. I knew this
was hard on them. I had always been a good kid and they drew strength in how well I had turned out. Jenna had told me as much on one of my visits.

  I had gassed Cuda up the night before and was ready to go once I threw my bags in the trunk. Getting behind the wheel I made a last minute decision to see if I could talk to Jace before I left.

  At the time of Ian's death Bobby and Jace had been sharing a two-bedroom apartment close to the garage Jace still worked at. I had gone by a few times over the years. Jace still had the apartment and I knocked on the door hoping to catch him in a good mood. I waited a few minutes and knocked again. I figured maybe he had gone into work already so I swung by the garage.

  “Hey Ryder, it's been awhile,” Dave said, coming out from under the hood of a 1972 Chevelle Sport Coupe. It was cherry red with double black racing stripes.

  “Hey Dave, sweet car,” I said, running my hand down the side as I walked toward him. I shook his hand then leaned through the window, checking out the interior.

  “Yeah, I'm just doing a little engine work on it for a customer. He bought it for his kid. He's still in high school. I sure hope he doesn't wrap this baby around a tree,” Dave said shaking his head.

  Jace had been working for Dave for about three years. Bobby had worked for him too before he went to prison.

  I was fairly tall and Dave easily looked me in the eye. He outweighed me by at least sixty pounds and with his arms covered in tattoos he looked pretty rough but he was one of the most laid back guys I had ever met.

  He had been pretty shook up when Bobby went away. He was close to my parents age and he took to Bobby like he was one of his kids. He put up with Jace's crap because Jace was a good mechanic, but I think Jace respected him too. I remember seeing him in the crowd of people at Bobby's service.

  “Have you seen Jace? I didn't find him at his apartment so I figured he must be at work.”

  “No, he came by yesterday and told me he needed to take a few days off. He just said he had some unfinished business.”