Letting Go

by Charity Jackson

  He surprised me by turning away. His arms were crossed in front of him and he stared out over the water. The wind blew his hair back, his eyes squinted against the sting.

  Turning back toward me, his hands on his hips now, he finally responded. “I don't want to talk about that night,” he said narrowing his eyes at me. “Just give me the ring and I'll go.” He was trying to control the conversation. Trying to cut me off.

  “You owe me! You took my whole future away from me! And for what? This ring?” I pulled the ring out from under my shirt where it had been hanging down on the silver chain. I held it up with indignation.

  My anger had finally surfaced and I let it all out. I kept my distance physically but my words invaded his space, assaulting him with the anger I had been suppressing for two years. “I want answers dammit! Why did you kill Ian. Why did you take the life of someone who had never done a single thing to you?”

  He was getting more agitated but in my anger I didn't pay attention and I didn't back down. I pushed at him verbally, continuing to demand answers. Finally he whirled around and yelled back.

  “I don't know! I don't know what the hell I was doing! I was bored and angry and...” He trailed off and I held my breath. His outburst had surprised me and I had retreated a few steps, now as he paused I found myself stepping a little closer. Leaning toward him slightly anticipating an answer after all these years.

  “I was jealous,” he finally said. He looked me in the eye. I no longer saw anger, I saw defeat. He suddenly looked exhausted, his shoulders slumped slightly. “We were sitting there on that picnic bench. Just bored. Our lives were going nowhere. Bobby was such a great kid and look what I did.” He pushed back his hair with both hands, clasping his hands behind his head.

  I barely moved a muscle, afraid that somehow my movements would shake him from the trance he seemed to be in. The trance that was allowing this man to actually bare his soul to me.

  “We could hear the proposal, your voices carried across the water. I have no idea why but listening to him and seeing how happy you two were just pissed me off. I just wanted to take the ring, put a damper on all that happiness. Make you hurt a little like I was. It wasn't supposed to go like that. When Ian went after Bobby I just reacted. Obviously I overreacted.” He was no longer looking me in the eye. His confession was directed toward the rocks at my feet. The waves had been hitting harder and harder and I was starting to shake with the chill.

  “Ryder told me that he had the ring the last two years. Why did he protect you? Should I hold him as responsible as you?” I'm not sure why I asked him that. From Ryder's confession I knew he and Jace weren't close, but he had still protected him. I wanted to hear what Jace had to say.

  I was surprised when he appeared angry again. “No! Ryder is nothing like me! We may have our issues but he's a much better person than me. He always has been. Life just seemed to come easier to him and I'll admit I've been jealous of him, but don't lump him in with me. He deserves better than that!” His eyes flashed at me and he was gesturing wildly with his hands.

  “Have you ever told him all that?” My question was spoken gently. I wanted to diffuse his new anger. “He really loves you, I hope you know that. He didn't give me this ring for two years to protect you. He couldn't bear to send you away by turning in the ring. He was trying to protect you and your parents.” I didn't know if he was listening because he was looking at a spot past my shoulder, but his face went from angry to sad so I suspected he had heard every word.

  “The only reason he gave me the ring now was so that he could relieve the guilt he's been feeling all these years. He was willing to allow me to turn him in for covering for you just so that he could do the right thing. I agree with you, he is a good person, but life never came easy for him. He's worked at it and suffered for it. He has a good heart and he loves his family above himself.” We stood facing one another and Jace hadn't responded. Another wave crashed against the rocks behind us and the water rained down on us. Somehow I had to talk myself off this rock.

  I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. When Ryder came scrambling up the hill behind Jace I felt a sense of relief. I hadn't told anyone where I was but somehow he had found me. I had no idea why he was here but in this moment I was so happy to see him. But my joy quickly turned to anxiety as Jace caught my stare and whirled around to face his brother.

  It looked like Ryder had intended to rush Jace, but since he had been spotted he chose to climb up the rock and approach us carefully instead. His blue eyes were dark and he looked at me closely. I could see he was weighing the situation and trying to make sure I was okay.

  “We need to get off this island. The water has risen and with these waves it's going to be hard to get across,” he said to both Jace and I, his eyes darted between us.

  Ryder moved closer toward me, putting himself between me and the edge of the rocks. Jace followed, keeping his distance but keeping his brother in view. We did this little dance around one another, weighing the situation, but no one wanting to make the wrong move.

  “Jace, can we talk about this on the beach?” Ryder asked, keeping his voice steady. I could see that he was trying to gain some control over the situation. Jace hadn't responded to him yet. I could feel the tension rolling off both of them. The wind was whipping our hair all around and we were all drenched. I was freezing and exhausted.

  The stare down continued between the brothers. Finally Jace said “yeah” so low I don't know if Ryder heard him.

  “Let's go then,” I said. “And just so both of you know I have no intention of going to the police. We've all suffered enough over Ian's death. I'm done. I'm putting this to rest here and now.”

  They both looked at me in surprise. Relief was the next emotion that crossed their faces. They were standing nearly side-by-side and the resemblance was so clear. I had circled around them as Ryder had approached and I now started heading back the way we had come. A full blown storm was raging and we had to get to shore.

  I glanced over my shoulder and saw Ryder had extended his hand to Jace as a sort of peace offering. Jace accepted it and they pulled one another into an awkward embrace.

  I don't know where the wave came from. The previous waves had hit hard but not nearly as high. We were standing at the edge of the land in the most exposed section of the island. One moment Ryder and Jace were standing in an embrace and the next second the ground was covered in water. The wave knocked me backward and to the ground. The space in front of me was empty.

  I tried to scramble to my feet but I kept falling. My muscles were weak from the cold. My clothes were drenched and heavy, my hair hung in my face in clumps. Pushing it back I crawled to the edge of the rocks and looked over the edge.

  Clutching the edge of the rocks I laid on my stomach and peered out into the shadows. The rocks below were a good twenty feet down. My heart stopped beating as I saw his body lying crumpled on the rocks below. There was no sign of his brother.

  Chapter 33 - Cyan

  Odd things run through your mind at odd times. Like now, I'm thinking about how, on what I'm going to refer to as a “normal” day, I don't think too much about time. How long it takes me to leisurely walk to work, the time it takes to have a conversation with someone or to casually eat my lunch. The time I spend running errands or lounging around on my day off reading an entire novel in one afternoon. This time feels slower. Like I can kind of hold it in my hand. Gently choose what I want to do with it.

  Then there's now. The now where time really, really matters. And it's not on my side. I'm not gently holding it in my hand, I'm grasping it in a death grip praying that it doesn't get away from me. But it does. Silently begging for more of it because right now it's moving so fast that I can't keep up.

  Just a little more time, that's all I need. I remember feeling this the night Ian died. While he lay on the ground and I crouched over him begging him not to leave me, I was really praying for more time. More time with him. More time to underst
and and prevent what was happening. I was feeling that again. Right now. And it was causing me to stumble in my chase for time.

  Pushing myself to my feet I had flung my backpack to one side and ran. I ran as fast as I could. I don't know how I made it up and down those rocks without breaking an arm or leg. My hands were bleeding but I wasn't sure how bad I was hurt. I felt pain in my legs too but I kept going.

  My heart was pounding, my lungs bursting with the exertion of running up and down hills, across beaches of crushed shells and shifting sand. My throat was burning from my screams. The wind seemed to carry away every sound I could make.

  The yellow slickers came out of the mist like two beacons. The men held fishing poles and upon seeing me they hurriedly set them down and ran toward me. I know my eyes were wild, my voice coming out in gasps. Somehow I was able to convey the situation.

  “Run to the truck Ryan, call 911 and direct them to our location. I'm going back out there with her. Hurry!” The younger man looked to be in his late teens and I assumed the older man was his father. At his dad's command he turned and ran up toward the parking area. I couldn't focus on who the men were, at that point I had help. I had someone on my side. Not wasting any time the man took my hand and we ran back toward the rocks I had just escaped.

  It was early evening and the dark sky was lit up with rotating red and blue lights. The low clouds reflected the colorful beams lighting up the scene. The rain had continued to fall drenching the emergency workers. From my perch in the back of an ambulance I could see the scene unfolding around me.

  Despite the three blankets wrapped around my body I couldn't stop shaking. It wasn't the cold that had froze me to my core. It was the sight of him lying on those rocks. I knew. I knew he hadn't survived.

  I had given my statement to two police officers. They gathered as much information as my slow brain could offer up. I knew they would be back. The situation warranted multiple conversations.

  When the black body bag was carried up the beach by four firemen, the rain stopped. The movements around me stopped. Time stopped. I had been running and running to catch it and this is what it took to make it stop.

  I screamed. It was piercing, it was guttural, it was my undoing. The world went black.

  I awoke in a dimly lit room. I could feel warm cotton weighing down my body and I didn't want to move. My eyes felt puffy and swollen and I could barely open them. I let them fall back closed pushing back against a sense of dread. I felt like if I just lay there a little longer, kept my eyes closed a little tighter, the dread would tiptoe back out of my room and leave me alone. No such luck.

  It hit me with a stabbing pain to the heart and I let out a whimper. Hands were on my arms in an instant and I heard Lynn and Evelyn's voices before I opened my eyes again.

  Brushing the hair away from my face Evelyn softly spoke, calming me with her gentle voice. “It's okay Cyan. You're in the hospital honey. We're here with you now.”

  “What happened?” I cringed. “I mean I know what happened, out there, on the rocks... but how did I get here?” My voice came out rough, my throat was burning. My eyes were so swollen I could barely open them. I don't know if it was from all the crying or if I had somehow hurt myself. Maybe both.

  “The EMT said you got really upset and fainted. They were worried about how low your body temperature was and you were in shock so they brought you here and admitted you,” Lynn said. She was gently stroking my arm. Roger stood beside her closer to my legs buried under a mound of heated blankets.

  “Why do my legs hurt?” I asked, pressing my head back into the pillow.

  “You cut them up pretty bad on the rocks,” Lynn said. “You have a couple cuts that required stitches. They had given you something to calm you and the doctor gave you a local anesthetic and got your legs cleaned and stitched up.”

  “He was just here checking on you and he gave us an update,” Roger said. He sounded weary, his voice tight. I knew the feeling.

  “How long have I been out?” I asked. It felt like I hadn't slept in days. My limbs felt as heavy as my eyes. I closed my eyes even as I spoke.

  “You've been at the hospital about four hours,” Evelyn said. “The nurses brought you into this room a couple hours ago so they could monitor you.”

  I couldn't bear to ask any questions. I didn't want to know the specifics. You would think I would want answers, that I would want every detail, that I would be clinging to hope. But I didn't and I wasn't. I was exhausted. All hope had left me. It felt like the loss I had felt with Ian's passing. It was crushing, numbing, painful and I willed myself to escape into slumber. I needed to wallow in denial. Just a little longer.

  I realized that I hadn't explained to anyone what Ryder's connection is to Ian and I hadn't said anything about Jace. He had never crossed my mind. Now I was laying in a hospital bed, injured, mourning a man I had fallen in love with and there were so many unanswered questions in the eyes of my friends. I would have to explain it all, soon, but right now I just wanted to sleep.

  I've been holed up in my little cottage for three days and the walls are closing in on me. Evelyn checks on me frequently. She brings over sweets every time she shows up at my door. At this point I think she's trying to jump start me with a sugar rush. Unfortunately I have no appetite and her cookies and cakes are just piling up in the kitchen. Bless her though, this is what she does. She worries, she bakes. Of course she bakes for every other emotion too.

  The evening I came home I had Lynn and Roger over. Evelyn also came over with a plate of cookies and we sat around my little dining table drinking coffee and picking at the cookies while I started from the beginning and told them everything.

  They had all heard about my life with Ian and the tragedy of his murder. They had also heard a little about Ryder and I's courtship since he came to town, but they were all shocked when I told them who is brothers are.

  When I showed them the ring Ian had given me, and Ryder had returned just a few days ago, both Evelyn and Lynn started crying. Roger was like a big brother to me and his reaction somehow clenched my heart the most. I could see that his jaw was set, his lips pursed and his eyes a little watery. He didn't voice what he was feeling and I didn't know if it was anger or sadness for me, perhaps a little of both.

  They all left that night reassuring me that things would get better. They were happy to know the truth, but I think they were just as confused as I was.

  After Ian's death I had talked to a therapist for a few months to help me wrap my mind around everything that had happened. We had talked a lot about the different stages of grief in our sessions. Understanding that what I had been feeling was normal helped me two years ago and was helping me again now.

  Denial and isolation had been my best friends the last few days. I was quickly making the acquaintance of my next stage and new friend, anger.

  I was mad, I was frustrated, I was pissed. Such an ugly word, but it fit what I was feeling. My heart had just started healing and then this. It was ripped from me again and I wasn't happy about it.

  My bags were packed and I was heading home again. Just for a few days but I needed to go back home. My parents were coming unglued. They wanted to come straight here Wednesday evening after I called them but mercifully I had persuaded them to wait. I finally had to ask my mom to put my dad on the phone because she wouldn't hear me out. He finally understood that I needed a few days to myself to process the situation and I would come home.

  I was leaving in the morning to start the drive back to my hometown. It was going to be a painful trip. Another funeral. Another heartache. The word dread did not fully embody what I was feeling. Trepidation, apprehension, foreboding. Those words would work too.

  The big words curiously made me think of the Scrabble game Ryder and I had played at Evelyn's just a week ago. Thinking of Ryder and that night of course brought me to tears and I collapsed in bed missing the man who had captured my heart just a few short weeks ago.

  Chapter 34 -
Cyan

  One week. It had been one week to the day since Bobby's funeral and we were all gathered again. The sadness hung on the group like a heavy blanket. We were smothering beneath the weight.

  The Cowans had gathered again under the tent. Another coffin with another son sat upon the platform waiting to be lowered into the ground beside his brother. No parents should have to bury one of their children, let alone two.

  The town had rallied around the Cowans again, supporting them in their grief and financially as much as possible. Funerals were expensive, even when it was kept simple. My heart ached for them.

  After Jace bared his soul on the rocks I had felt unburdened. There was finally a connection to the man who had taken Ian and that connection had allowed me to care about him. Seeing him and Ryder embrace was a beautiful moment. It was a promise of peace. The fact that it was cut so short sparked new grief.

  I wanted time to hear Jace out, to find out what he has felt the last two years. To give him the chance to do the right thing, to take responsibility for Ian's death, to apologize to everyone he has hurt.

  He would never do that. He would never move beyond the night on the rocks. Hundreds of miles from those rocks, back in his community, beside his brother he was being laid to rest.

  Ryder had not spoken to me since that night. He was broken. I understood, but I was grieving the loss of him. Physically he was still here and for that I was eternally grateful, but his spirit was broken and he was closed off.

  I thought that I had lost him that night too. When I had looked over the edge of the rocks and saw Jace's body crumpled on the boulders below I knew that Jace had been killed. The force of the wave, the odd angles his body lay in, all reinforced that. When I couldn't see Ryder anywhere I feared the same fate for him.

  The ambulance had already left with me for the hospital when the firemen found Ryder. He had been thrown off the rocks with the force of the waves but by some miracle had landed in the frigid water instead of on the boulders below. He had suffered a major concussion and was covered in scratches and bruises. The firemen found him clinging to a boulder, his body wedged between the rocks.