Letting Go

by Charity Jackson

  Chapter 36 - Cyan

  It has been a week since I mailed the letter to Ryder. I had suffered for a month waiting for him to walk in the door, holding my breath every time my phone rang. Finally I had enough. I had to make contact. I had to tell him how I felt. Since we hadn't had a chance to talk since the day at the lake maybe he needed to know how I felt.

  I had hoped that by letting him know how frustrated I was, but also how much I love him, that it would break through whatever was keeping him from me. One week and I still hadn't heard from him. I wasn't sure how much more I could take.

  When I had lost Ian my grief had been pure, heart wrenching and had cut me to the bone. But I had anger that I directed at the Cowans. The anger took a little of the sting out. It didn't make it better it just numbed me.

  The loss I was feeling with Ryder's absence was different. My anger was different. Ryder's absence was due to pride, fear, misplaced love, maybe. I don't know what it is, but he's not here with me. He's not talking to me. I'm alone.

  I almost didn't check the mail when I got home because I was so tired of being disappointed. But I couldn't resist the possibility that I would finally hear from him, finally have some connection to him and possibly hear that he was coming back to me, I had gone to the little box looking for a piece of him. When I pulled out the small stack of envelopes I flipped through them with a familiar knot in my stomach. Sliding out the plain white envelope I saw Ryder's name in the upper left hand corner. This was it. He had finally written me back. All of a sudden I wasn't sure if I wanted to read it. I wasn't sure if I wanted an answer. The finality of what may be in the envelope scared me.

  Dropping the rest of the mail on the counter in the kitchen I moved through my little home setting down my purse and lunch bag from work. I never set down his envelope I just carried it with me. I was stalling, I know this, but I needed to prepare myself.

  It was already dark outside by the time I got home from work. I flipped on the lamp on the end table and the light over the sink in the kitchen. My television sat on a console with an electric fire place in it. It put out a surprising amount of heat and made the room feel cozier. I flipped it on and grabbed a light blue chenille blanket off the love seat. I had stalled enough, it was time to settle in and see what Ryder had to say.

  Cyan,

  I wanted to open this letter with My Cyan or My love, and I did on so many versions that I kept crumpling into a ball, but I had to take away the “My” in that opening. You're not mine. It doesn't mean I don't wish you were, it doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means you can't be mine. Mine means you belong with me, but you can't.

  The Cowans have hurt you in so many ways. Bobby and Jace took the love of your life from you. I lied to you when I didn't give you the ring two years ago. My selfishness allowed Ian's killer to remain free and when I did return the ring to you it wasn't a selfless act like I had planned it to be. It had suddenly come with strings attached to my heart, attached to all my love. That wasn't fair to you.

  Even though I know I already told you that I didn't have a hidden agenda when I came to return the ring, I still feel like I betrayed your trust by spending time with you. Allowing you to open up your heart and life to me. It wasn't fair for me to have continued spending time with you knowing what was coming.

  I'm a liar Cyan. I'm cruel and selfish. I lied about the ring for two years while I protected a killer. It was cruel of me to tear open your old wounds by giving the ring back to you. It was out of selfish needs that I brought it to you personally. I could have just mailed it to you. But selfishly I had hoped that by gaining your forgiveness I would be able to move on with my life. But look where that got all of us!

  I'm so sorry for all that I've done to hurt you. Of course I don't place any blame on you for Jace's death. It was a tragic accident. With all that I am sorry for, I still come back to the fact that I am not sorry that I met you, that I spent time with you.

  I just wish that we could have a future built on good memories. I fear that I would always be a reminder of so much bad in your life. That anything we could piece together would be tainted by the last two years.

  I love you with all my being. I love you down to my soul. In you I think I found my soul mate. But it would be cruel for me to be that person to you. You deserve to spend your life with a man so much better than me Cyan.

  You said that I opened up your heart to love again, to see life beyond your pain. I hope you find that love you deserve. He will be the world's luckiest man to be with you. You will always have my heart and my soul. I will forever love you.

  Good-bye Cyan. My love goes with you.

  Ryder

  The sobs had started before I even finished the letter but when I read his “Good-bye” my heart imploded. My life seemed to crumble in on itself. He was giving up. He had given up. He wasn't giving me a choice in the matter he was just declaring the end.

  He was so wrong, about all of it. He wasn't cruel, he wasn't selfish, he wasn't a liar. Yes, he had made mistakes, he should have told me about the ring two years ago but he had his reasons and I surprisingly understood them. His view of himself was so skewed, so wrong.

  I had hoped that the night that we had looked through the photos of our day on the island had made him understand the man I saw underneath. Apparently he couldn't see that man. He had put so much pressure on himself over the years to be a better man, a better brother, a better son that he had lost sight of the fact that he already was. He already was a good man, he was just lost.

  Somehow Ryder thought he was doing the right thing. I know he wasn't purposely trying to hurt me, he thought he was protecting my future. My grief over losing a man I loved was a terrible wound, grief I was baring a second time in two years. I was heartbroken by his words.

  I read his letter a hundred times over the next two days. I lay in bed clutching his shirt that he had left at the gallery all those weeks ago. I had never returned it, just folded it neatly and breathed in his scent whenever I needed to feel close to him.

  Lynn sat at my little kitchen table clutching a mug of hot coffee. She was covering my shift today at the gallery because I just couldn't face going in and dealing with the public. She stopped in early to catch me before having to open at nine, and to make sure I dragged my depressed butt out of bed.

  “Okay, we've gone over and over the letter, now I want to know what you're going to do about it,” she challenged me. She sipped her coffee, looking at me over the top of the mug. I stopped my pacing and sat down across from her.

  “I don't know. Part of me wants to run to him, find him, explain to him how wrong he is and kiss him silly. And part of me wants to run to him, find him and just smack him upside the head. It's kind of up in the air, I could go either way at this point.” I looked her in the eyes, feeling the small smile on my face.

  She smiled back. “Okay, well we agreed that you want to run to him, it's what you're going to do to him once you find him that hasn't been decided.”

  “He says he loves me and he says that I'm his soul mate. I'm going to have to hope and pray that means he's not going to go anywhere for awhile. I don't see him just moving on to someone else right away so I think I have a little time.”

  “And what are you planning to do with that time?” Lynn was curious now, I could see that she was perking up over the fact that I had a plan forming. I think she was just excited that I might actually shower and change my clothes for the first time in two days. I could only imagine what I looked like. A best friend could only put up with so much before they had to make you snap out of it. “I would suggest you start with taking a shower,” she said with a smirk. See, there it is. I love how she gives it to me straight.

  “Yes, I promise to shower and I might even brush my teeth.” I gave her a smiley glare over my coffee cup.

  “Okay, after you've taken care of your funky self, what is your plan?”

  “Well, I'm thinking that before Ryder and I can have a relationship, befo
re we can move forward with our lives, then I need to settle a few things with others involved.” I sighed. “Our relationship will never have normal roots, the beginning will always be marred by our shared tragedy, but that doesn't mean that we can't put that behind us. It will make it a whole lot easier to do that if we have support from the people that are closest to us.”

  I continued after taking another sip of coffee, collecting my thoughts. “Hopefully talking with them will give me the perspective I need before I contact Ryder again.”

  “I don't think that it's going to hurt for Ryder to wait for your response either,” Lynn said. “I mean, I know you hate the thought of him hurting, but he loves you and he thinks that leaving you behind is the best for everyone. But maybe he needs to experience losing you a little to figure out that he can't live without you. Like you said, he's not going to go anywhere. That boy is completely in love with you. His heart really needs to tell his head to just shut up!” She laughed a little, her smile was contagious and I couldn't help but return it. Lynn was right, I would leave Ryder alone for awhile and take care of creating our support system. Our future depended on it.

  I had cried, talked, prayed and slept for two days. Life and love was exhausting. My talk with Lynn today made me realize that I had options in this situation. I could sit back and allow Ryder to walk out of my life or I could fight for him.

  After a day of getting myself together and spending some time with Evelyn I went to bed with my heart feeling lighter than it had in days. A plan was forming and the feeling of hope for a brighter future had returned.

  I awoke to the autumn sunlight streaming through my window. I stared at the soft light for a minute. Rolling onto my side I grabbed the picture frame off my nightstand. In it was a photo of Ryder. The one I had snapped up on the island as he had taken in the beauty around him. The sun had lit up his dark blond hair creating a glow around his head. His eyes were the same blue green as the ocean waves behind him. He wasn't looking at the camera but past me, into the distance. He was beautiful and alive in this photo. He would get there again and I was determined to be beside him every step of the way.

  I decided I needed to take another trip. I needed to go back home again. It was time for a visit anyway. I made arrangements with Helen, the gallery owner, and Lynn to cover my shifts at work. Helen was being extremely accommodating lately with my missed shifts. I think between Evelyn and Lynn she had been filled in on everything that I've been through. She was a kind woman and her understanding was appreciated.

  My bags were packed and I was ready to leave later that morning. I spent a little time with Evelyn, letting her know I would be gone for a few days. She was excited that I was getting out of the house and trying to make progress with Ryder. She piled up a plate of cookies for me to take on my trip. I added them to the others that she had been bringing over knowing that my dad and brother would mow through them in no time.

  Ryder's letter had devastated me but it had also awoken my determination. He may have given up on us, thinking he was doing me a favor, but I refused to give up on him. His letter had been so final. I had to get him to understand that love like ours could overcome tragedy. He needed to understand that I had already forgiven him, now he had to forgive himself.

  We weren't there yet, but we had to get there. There was no other option because my life couldn't continue without him.

  I didn't respond to his letter. I wasn't sure what to say at this point. He knew how much I loved him and I had said so much in the first letter. I was going to just leave him be for awhile and get my own head screwed on straight.

  Chapter 37 - Cyan

  She had agreed to meet me at Javas Cafe at ten. It was a beautiful fall morning. Arriving a little early I had parked my Jeep and walked along the small cluster of businesses, checking out the window displays as I made my way toward the cafe.

  The Cowans had grown up outside Long Barn, a very small town down the hill from Pinecrest. I had driven through it hundreds of times heading to Pinecrest, and had ice skated there many times growing up, never knowing that someone that would come to mean so much to me lived there.

  The cafe was small and cozy. There were a few other customers scattered around, but everyone was engaged in the newspaper, their computer or conversation with each other. There was a low buzz of voices over the music playing through the speakers in the ceiling. The walls were dark burgundy and a warm gold tone. Cool art glass lights hung low over the counter. I breathed in the smell of the fresh brewed coffee as I made my way to a booth in the corner.

  I hadn't met Ryder's mom before but I remember her from Bobby's trial and from Bobby and Jace's funerals. Obviously those events were not good memories and I was a little nervous about officially meeting her.

  I had arrived in town yesterday afternoon and had sat my parents down to tell them about wanting to meet with Dawn Cowan. I had already told them about the ring and Ryder's guilt over not turning his brothers in and for waiting to give the ring to me. They knew about my feelings for Ryder and his feelings for me. What they didn't know about was Ryder's letter telling me to move on with my life, without him.

  My parents assured me that I had their support in meeting with Dawn and that they were giving their full blessing in pursuing a relationship with Ryder. My mom thought meeting with Dawn might be therapeutic for both our souls.

  The lingering doubts that I had had about moving on from Ian and my worries about losing our memories together had finally been laid to rest.

  I had doubted myself and my future for so long, but now, in the midst of my fight to not lose Ryder, I was sure. I was sure I loved Ryder and I was sure that I forgave him for having kept the ring from me. I was also sure that I had forgiven the Cowans for taking Ian from me.

  I had reassured Mrs. Cowan on the phone that I had hoped this would be a good conversation for both of us. I didn't want her to come into this meeting blind so I did tell her that it was about Ryder. She didn't sound surprised but she also didn’t share anything so I was curious what she already knew.

  She stepped in the door a few minutes before ten and as she looked around the room for me I took a second to smile at her beauty. Her and her husband were both attractive people, their children had gotten their looks from both parents. She had the same sandy blond hair as Ryder, it was long and pulled back into a low ponytail. Her eyes were a much darker blue reminding me of Jace's eyes. They didn't hold the same anguish that Jace's eyes had held, hers were softer and a little sad. The small laugh lines around her eyes let me know that she was someone who smiled easy though.

  I raised my hand to her when she looked in my direction and she gave me a gentle smile heading in my direction. Curiously I was no longer nervous. I had actually been looking forward to meeting with her.

  “Cyan, hello my dear,” she said bringing me in for a light hug as I had stood to greet her.

  “Mrs. Cowan, I'm so glad you could make it,” I said smiling gently at her.

  “Please call me Dawn, Mrs. Cowan is my mother-in-law,” she said with a smile.

  “Dawn it is. Thank you again for meeting me. I've been looking forward to this. A little nervously though I have to admit.” I was trying to put her at ease by admitting my discomfort too and it seemed to work. We both ordered coffee after settling into the comfortable booth.

  “I'm not sure where to start,” I said. “I don't know how much, if any, Ryder has said about me.” I looked at her expectantly hoping she would fill me in a little and start talking. I wanted to assess how open she was to this discussion before I started dumping information on her. It had only been a month since she had buried two of her sons. I was a little surprised she was even here talking with me.

  “Ryder came home about a week ago and wanted to talk to me.” She had a far away look in her eyes and I patiently waited for her to continue. “He told me about that night.” She paused again and then met my gaze before continuing. “He told me about the night Jace and Bobby had taken Ian from
you. He told me that Bobby had come to the house and had given him the ring. I have to say on one hand I'm surprised he kept the ring a secret all this time, Ryder was always the one to do the right thing, but at the same time I can understand that he wanted to protect his brothers. I think he truly thought he was doing the right thing. I can only imagine how torn and guilt stricken he's been the last two years.

  “I wasn't surprised when he told me he went to Pacific Grove to find you and return the ring. That sounds exactly like something Ryder would do.” She gave me a small smile. Her love for her son was so evident on her face. “Ryder has always been such a gentle soul. He has always had this quiet peace about him, always wanting to do what was right.”

  “Did Ryder tell you about our friendship or anything that happened in Pacific Grove?” I was curious what she knew and what I would have to explain.

  She smiled again looking at me with a knowing expression. “He did. Ryder and I have always been close and I think he needed someone to tell him that it was okay that he had fallen in love with you. Especially with what your connection is to our family and the past.” Her smile had slowly been replaced by a sad expression as she finished.

  She paused, collecting her thoughts before continuing. “Ryder told me how much you have come to mean to him. He finally admitted to me that his life had been on hold for the last two years. He's still hurting, afraid that he did the wrong thing with the ring two years ago and now by returning it and stirring so much up again. I'm afraid he's carrying misplaced guilt over Jace's death.” She paused now spreading her fingers out over the table cloth smoothing it slowly. She was collecting herself again and I remained quiet. I could only imagine how difficult this conversation was for her. Talking about her three boys. Two who had died so recently.

  “He told me about the letter you wrote him,” she said lifting her eyes to meet mine again. “I think that was the catalyst for him to tell me everything. He didn't want to respond to you right away without really considering his words and both of your futures.”