“Did he tell you he was giving up on us?” I asked. The look of surprise and the gentle shake of her head told me he hadn't. “I guess that's why I'm here. I'm not sure how to get through to him. He wrote me back and told me he loves me but that he thinks I deserve better than him. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders at the expense of his own happiness. I know that our pasts are so intertwined in the worst possible way, but that doesn't mean that our future can't be happy. He's afraid that just because he's a Cowan that somehow he's going to hurt me too.”
Dawn seemed a little wounded by the last statement, but this is what I needed to discuss with her and I needed her to know that Ryder felt guilty and ashamed about his family's past. I pushed forward wanting to explain myself. “I, as much as anyone involved, am acutely aware of what happened two years ago. And yes, two Cowans were involved, but that in no way means that there is something wrong with your family. I hope the outpouring of support from the community at the funerals helps you see that.” I took a second to search her eyes, to see if she was understanding what I was saying. Her eyes were a little misty but she didn't say anything. The waitress came by and refilled our coffee cups allowing us both a second to breathe.
“I see how amazing your son is. I see a future with him and I don't say that lightly. He's the first man I've allowed into my heart since Ian and I refuse to give him up without a fight.” I paused exhaling slowly. “I just don't know how to fight for him. He seems so lost.”
“I think that by you coming to me and telling me how you're feeling is a great first step. Can I tell him that you came to see me?” She paused looking me in the eye, I just nodded. “I think he needs to know that you don't blame the Cowan family, that you don't hold any grudges. I know you've told him that before, but I think we're both seeing that he's a little thick headed at times.” She smiled, thinking about her youngest son. I smiled too.
“If he truly loved me wouldn't he be fighting for me though. He just gave up on us. Is he just taking the easy way out? Avoiding me and any possible future so he doesn't have to face his demons?” I was frowning and instantly frustrated. This was the thought that I kept coming back to over and over. “Why had he just moved on like I had never meant anything to him?”
“Do you have some time? I mean are you in a hurry to get home?” Dawn asked. I shook my head no, not trusting myself to speak in that moment. “Good, then why don't you come by my house, I would like to show you something.”
I left money on the table paying for our coffee and followed her the short distance up the hill to their home. I like Dawn, she has so many of the same wonderful qualities that Ryder has.
The gray two-story home with blue trim sat on a large, hilly lot. The yard was trimmed neatly and trees surrounded the property. Red and yellow leaves blanketed the ground. I pulled my Jeep behind Dawn's car, parking on the gravel drive. She hadn't told me anything else about what she wanted to show me.
Stepping out of the Jeep I followed her up the wide porch steps to the front door. She didn't say anything just opened the door stepping into a small foyer. She set her purse and keys down on a wood table in the entry and continued into what I assumed was going to be the living room. I followed her looking down, watching my step as the tile transitioned to carpet.
I felt Dawn stop next to me and I slowly looked up, at first to see what she had to say, but then my eyes caught the large photo over the fireplace. My photo. The one I had taken of Pinecrest Lake early one morning as I was grieving Ian. The photo that had been purchased in Pacific Grove.
My breath caught and I tried to understand how it was hanging here but I was at a loss. It was a woman who had come in and purchased it. A woman I had never seen before or since that day.
“Uh, how did you get my photo?” I asked not hiding my confusion.
“Let's take a seat,” Dawn said gesturing at the sofa and chairs behind me. “When Ryder came home for Bobby's funeral he brought this photo with him. He said he had asked the hotel manager if she would go pick it up for him. At first I was a little angry that he was bringing such a large reminder into our home but he explained to me that a good friend had taken the photo and that he wanted to remind me of how much that lake meant to all of us before Ian was killed.
“My beautiful son understood that I had been avoiding the lake. That somehow I was trying to cope with what Bobby had done by avoiding anything that had to do with a place that used to mean so much to me. I didn't know about Jace yet. I had loved that lake and avoiding it had become an unbearable weight. My husband and I met beside that lake a long, long time ago. It had always been a special place to us. After Ian's death it became some sort of symbol of loss and I felt like I had lost the right to go there, to have good memories there.” She paused taking a deep breath before continuing. Her hand was over her heart and she was staring at the photo while she spoke.
“After Ryder told me about you and that you were the one who took the photo I had a better understanding of why it was so important to him. And why he knew that it would ultimately be important to me. The lake is a beautiful place that so many great memories have been made beside. Ryder didn't want me to forget that. Having you be the one to bring this photo into our lives helped me feel forgiveness for what my sons had done. I could understand Ryder's love for you which made me love this photo even more.
“So, in response to what you asked earlier, I don't think Ryder is taking the easy way out and I don't think his giving you up means that he doesn't truly love you, it means that he loves you too much. Too much for you to give up your future for a constant reminder of what you've lost.
“But somehow I don't think Ryder is seeing that he's in the same situation with you as I was with my thoughts of the lake. He should have understood it the same way I have. That reminders of the past, like the lake for me, or Ryder himself for you, don't necessarily have to be a negative thing. Sometimes reminders are a way of not forgetting that good came with the bad. And if we can think of these reminders in a light of forgiveness, remembering the good parts, then we can start letting go of the bad parts. It all comes down to letting go. Ryder needs to let go of the past so he can have a future. Hopefully a future that includes you in it.” There were tears in her eyes as she reached over and took my hand in hers. As she patted it with her other hand I felt my eyes tear up as well.
Finding my voice I agreed with her. “I need to let go of the past too. It's something that I've had on my heart a long time. I'm not letting go of the memories I have of Ian, but I'm letting go of the pain and I'm allowing myself to open my heart up to let someone else in. I just hope that Ryder will be that someone.”
It was early afternoon when I left the Cowan home. I had one more stop to make on this trip and I figured since it had already been such an emotional day that I should just go ahead and talk to them today as well.
I called Ian's mom before I left Long Barn to see if I could come by. “Hi Linda, it's Cyan, how are you?”
“Good Cyan, how are you honey?” Her voice sounded light and happy.
“I'm doing good. I'm actually in town for a couple days and was wondering if I could come by and see you and Jim.”
“Of course, come on by anytime. Jim is working from home today so he'll be happy to see you.”
“Great, I'm about fifteen minutes away. See you in a little bit.”
We hung up and I was relieved that I would be able to talk to both her and Jim at the same time. I wanted to get both of their blessings on my future. I had grown so close to them over the years and I valued their opinion. Ian and his family had been so important to me for so many years that it made me nervous to admit that I was wanting to move on.
I arrived at the Brooks home and they invited me in with bear hugs and offers of coffee. We settled in the living room and I smiled as I saw the photos of Ian scattered about the room. I missed his laugh, his touch and I missed our conversations. Not a day went by that I didn't think about him at least once. I didn't
think that would ever change, but over the years I have noticed that it didn't hurt quite as much.
“So what brings you by for another visit. Not that I'm complaining mind you! I love it when you stop by for these visits,” Linda said. She was sitting on the love seat with her feet tucked under her. Jim sat in the arm chair next to her, his sock feet propped up on the coffee table. I loved how relaxed they still were around me and I felt less anxious just being near them.
“Well, I'm not sure where to start so I'm just going to throw it all out there,” I said giving them both a small smile. “You both know how incredibly much I love Ian and I know that you'll understand what I want to talk to you about, but please don't ever doubt how much I love Ian and always will.” I hadn't broke eye contact and I wanted them to know how sincere I am. The both gave me a nod encouraging me to continue.
“About two months ago a man came to Pacific Grove. We sort of stumbled into a friendship and started spending some time together. I took him to places that were important to me and we had fun together. I found someone who shared a love for adventure, something that Ian and I had shared, and it felt so good to do those things again,” I paused and smiled at them.
“We talked about our lives and so many things that had been weighing on both of us. Through our conversations I realized how much another person could hurt, just like I've hurt so much over the years. I found myself wanting to help him heal and in the process I started healing too. We talked about forgiveness, the past and the future.
“When Bobby was killed in prison I had come back home. It was here that I found out that this man who I had grown to care about so deeply, was actually Bobby Cowan's younger brother. He hadn't told me this yet.” I paused taking a moment to access their reactions. Linda had the fingertips of one hand placed to her lips in a silent gasp, Jim had reached over taking Linda's other hand. I didn't want to hurt them, and I didn't think I was. This was just a tough subject. The Cowans, the lake, the past was a wound that would always hurt at least a little. I'm sure they worried for me too, for my safety and they worried about the intentions of a Cowan brother.
“So now, here I am beside the lake with the man I've been spending time with, broken and weeping before me. Ryder had just lost his brother and I had just found out that he was connected to Ian's murder. ” I reached behind my neck and unclasped the chain. Sliding the ring off I leaned forward and handed it to Linda. I gave her and Jim a second to look it over before continuing.
“This is the ring that Ian had slipped onto my finger the night he asked me to be his wife.” Linda stifled a sob but the tears started flowing and Jim moved to the couch to comfort her. “I'm so sorry to bring all this up. I just need to tell you everything. I want you to know about the ring and to know about Ryder. I can stop though if you need me to.”
“No honey, keep talking. These are sad tears because they remind me of what you lost and what we've lost, but it makes me happy to see the symbol of his love for you,” Linda said, reassuring me to continue. She had the ring clutched in her fingertips bringing it up close to her face, turning it around.
“Bobby had given that ring to Ryder the night of Ian's murder. Jace had been the one to attack Ian and Bobby was just tore up about it. Bobby had been the one to take the ring and he wanted Ryder to return it to me someday. Ryder didn't go to the police with the ring and he feels completely guilty about that. He wanted to protect his family. When he gave me back the ring though he did it with the understanding that I could go to the police now and he would probably go to jail. He was willing to lose his freedom so that I was told the whole truth. He had planned to do that before he had ever met me.”
I paused a moment collecting my thoughts. “That night beside the lake he confessed that he had fallen in love with me. Somewhere along the way I fell in love with him too. It was before I knew he was a Cowan, but my love for him hasn't changed since I found out.” I looked at Ian's parents worriedly but they didn't look upset. Linda even gave me a small reassuring smile. “I haven't had feelings for anyone since Ian. It's so foreign for me to care this deeply about another man but I do, and even knowing everything I know, I still love him. I wanted to come here and tell you about Ryder and get your blessing. I want to make sure that you understand that I'll never stop loving Ian, but that I want to make room in my heart for Ryder.” I paused before continuing.
“I also want you to know that I don't plan on going to the police with the ring. Bobby and Jace are both gone and I just don't think that Ryder should be punished. He's suffered enough over the years with this guilt.”
I slumped in my chair, suddenly exhausted by everything I had shared. I didn’t relax though as I waited for Jim and Linda's response.
“Cyan, you're a beautiful young lady. You made Ian happy for so many years and we had looked forward to welcoming you as our daughter-in-law. Ian had told us that he was going to ask you to marry him and he was so excited for your future. Unfortunately that didn't work out. We know that Ian would never want you to be alone. We don't want that either.” Linda leaned forward on the couch and patted my leg before continuing. Jim just nodded his head agreeing with everything his wife was saying.
“We can't always pick who our hearts are going to fall for. It doesn't sound like Ryder intended on deceiving you, it sounds like he found you so that he could do the right thing. The fact that he fell in love with you along the way is understandable. It's okay for both of you to follow your hearts.”
Jim looked to his wife before speaking, “I don't think that going to the police with the ring will make any of us feel like we've gotten justice. Ryder has already lost two brothers over that ring as well as two years of peace of mind. I think that it's safe to say that he's already paid the price for his silence. It's time for us all to forgive and let go of the heartache. It's time for the future to be embraced and it would make Linda and I so happy to know that you're with a man who loves you and will be there for you into the future. It's time for your happily ever after.”
I went to them and knelt in front of the couch pulling them both into a long, healing hug. My heart no longer ached and I had the support of the people I loved most. It was time to go home and prepare for my future.
Chapter 38 - Ryder
Every muscle in my body ached and I was freezing cold. I could feel my teeth clacking against one another, the shivers were uncontrollable. The pressure and pounding against my body was rhythmic and never ending. One second I was lulling toward slumber and the next I was fully alert. Then I was flying, completely weightless. I reached out to grab a hold of something, anything. Jace's stormy blue eyes looked in mine. A mixture of fear and disappointment. I blinked away the judgment I felt and when my eyes opened Jace was replaced by Cyan. She looked at me so sad, holding her hand out toward me, just out of reach. My heart ached to grab a hold of her and never let her go but she was just beyond my outstretched fingertips. Another wave pounded against me and Cyan's image floated away. I felt my chest contract and I heard myself cry out.
I woke gasping for air. Sweat dripped in my eyes, my hair wet, my body shaking. Despite the sweat, I was freezing. I felt like I was coming down with the flu, but I knew better. I wasn't sick from a stomach bug, I was sick from heart ache. Bobby, Jace, Cyan. I had lost so much in such a short amount of time. My body was following my heart’s lead and slowly shutting down.
It has been three weeks since I sent my letter to Cyan. I know she received it because my mom had told me that Cyan mentioned it when she had come to see her. I had pressed my mom for every little detail of their conversation, but she didn't tell me much. Not surprisingly my mom really liked Cyan.
Cyan had made it clear that she had no ill will toward the Cowans and I loved her a little more for offering my mom this reassurance. Cyan was letting my mom know that she forgave my brothers and this was important to me as well as my mom.
My mom refused to tell me any details, she said that it was something I should discuss with Cyan. Hint, hint
. Call her dummy. She didn't say that but she might as well have.
I kept telling myself that I couldn't call her though. I had royally screwed that whole situation up. She may have gone to see my mom but I had no idea what that meant. Was she just seeking closure after I told her it was over? She was such a sweet, caring person that she was probably just making sure that my mom was okay.
It has been two months since I've seen her. More time than I had initially spent with her, but those days with her had felt like a lifetime. I couldn't image how I had lived my life before her. So why was I so willing to give her up now? I hadn't decided if I was the world's biggest saint for trying to protect her at the expense of my own heart, or if I was the world's biggest idiot for allowing a woman that I loved, who loved me back, to get away.
I kept beating myself up over Jace's death. It felt like I should have done more, said more, helped him more. If I hadn't gone to Cyan, if I hadn't brought the past back up, if he hadn't followed her back to Pacific Grove. The 'what if' game all over again.
I tossed the covers back and grabbed a clean t-shirt off the stack on my dresser. I had always ran when I needed to clear my head but lately my frustrations warranted a little more exertion and I had started lifting weights in the apartment complex gym.
Up until a few weeks ago I had barely stepped in there but lately I was spending more and more time working out my aggravation with myself, trying to push myself to exertion, hoping it would help me sleep at night.
The only thing I hated about using the gym was having to dodge the flirting from a few of the woman who lived in the complex. I have always kept to myself and had polite avoidance down to a science, but some of these woman were relentless. I was hoping and praying on my walk over that the gym would be empty. The mid-afternoon time, mid-week was on my side and mercifully I had the place to myself.
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