Thanksgiving was coming up next week and I planned to head home. I had been thinking a lot about Cyan visiting my mom. Cyan knew how close my mom and I were. It had been part of one of the many conversations we had in our short time together.
Although my mom wouldn't tell me much, I got the impression that Cyan was trying to not only reassure my mom about her forgiveness of my brothers, but also her forgiveness of me.
I know they had discussed me but I had no idea what they had talked about. I didn't know if it was good or bad. My mom had encouraged me to talk to her though. If that talk was supposed to be for closure, or for a future, I didn't know and my mom wouldn't clarify.
All this time alone, working out past exhaustion, simply wasn't doing any good. My mind still spun round and round. I was second guessing every thought, every action. One minute I was confident that I was doing the right thing and the next minute I was calculating how long it would take for me to be by her side.
Sweat dripped from my forehead as I finished up the punishment I was putting my body through in the gym. I wiped down the equipment and threw my towel over my shoulder heading back toward my apartment. I glanced over my shoulder when I heard giggling and realized I just missed being stuck in the gym with the flirts again. Maybe things were looking up just a little after all.
Stopping at the wall of small mailboxes I grabbed the mail from my box then continued to my apartment. Tossing it on the table I didn't even give it a second thought and headed into the bathroom to shower.
Grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge, running my hands through my wet hair I noticed the small key sticking out of the pile. Slowly lowering the water bottle I stared at the key for a full thirty seconds before reaching out, picking it up and turning it in my fingers. The key meant that there was a package waiting for me in one of the larger mail slots.
I hadn't ordered anything and wasn't waiting for any large packages from any clients. My heart started racing as I wondered if it could be from the one person I couldn't stop thinking about.
Cyan.
I tore out of the apartment and ran back to the mailboxes. I fumbled with the key before I finally got the slot open. Sitting in the mail slot, wrapped in plain brown paper was a small box, about the size of a shoe box. I could see my name written clearly on top in a handwriting that had become familiar.
Cyan. She hadn't sent me just a letter. She sent me a package.
This was it. She hadn't responded to my last letter and I had basically told her I wasn't worth it and she needed to get far away from me. Then she went to see my mom. I had no idea what this meant.
I grabbed the box and ran back to my apartment. Literally, I ran. Suddenly I couldn't get the package open fast enough. I had to know what my options were, because if I was going to be honest, she was making the decisions here. If she did in fact decide I wasn't worth it, then I was going to respect that decision and live the rest of my life leaving her alone, but living with the pain of that decision.
But what if she wasn't telling me to take the hike I suggested I take? What if she actually was willing to overlook all that I had done. I was so prepared and used to disappointment, to feeling guilty, I don't think I would quite know what to do if being sad wasn't my only option.
Back in my apartment I sat on my couch. The package sitting on the coffee table in front of me. My movements slowed as I slid a pocket knife along the seams of the package. Suddenly nervous to see what was inside.
Opening the box I noticed a familiar blue envelope laying on top. White tissue paper covered the contents below the letter.
Flipping the envelope over I slid my finger under the flap, slid out the single sheet and began reading.
Dear Ryder,
Do you remember our dinner beside the sea? Sometimes it seems like just yesterday and other times it seems like a lifetime ago. That night you asked me about forgiveness. We talked about how when you ask someone for forgiveness then it's up to that person to exercise or not exercise the grace needed for them to forgive you.
I've already forgiven you and I've forgiven your family. You asked my forgiveness and I gave it.
The other part of our conversation that night was how you forgive yourself. I told you the same thing applied, it was going to be up to you to forgive yourself, or not.
So, this brings us to now.
I told you I forgave you. I told you I loved you. I told you that I see the man that you don't see, I see beyond your guilt, beyond your mistakes. I see my future, or what I want my future to look like.
It's my turn to ask for something. I'm asking you to forgive yourself. I'm asking you to see beyond your mistakes, to set aside the guilt and to see the man I see.
I can't wait forever Ryder. Not because you're not worth it, but because if you don't want me in your life then I love you enough to respect that and eventually I will move on.
Am I worth it to you? Do you respect and love me enough to forgive yourself? My love for you is here, are you willing to come claim it?
Cyan
P.S. In your last letter to me you said that you wished that we could have a future that was built on good memories. We only spent a couple weeks together but in that short amount of time we created some amazing memories together. Imagine what we could create in a lifetime.
Someone amazing recently told me that “Sometimes reminders are a way of not forgetting that good can come with the bad and by remembering the good parts you can start to let go of the bad parts.” We've had bad, but we had good come with it too. Your mom is the one that reminded me of that. Now I'm reminding you.
As you go through the box I hope you enjoy the reminders. With my love.
I set aside the letter not quite believing that she still loved me. She was so much more than I deserved.
Taking the folded white tissue off the top of the box I slipped my hand in and pulled out a small stuffed sea lion and started laughing. In that kayak beside Cyan, during one of the most peaceful days of my life that sea lion had scared the crap out of me. Much to Cyan's delight. This little guy was my reminder of that perfect day with a woman I love.
Still chuckling I set the stuffed animal aside and reached in again. I was reaching in blindly, relishing everything that the box held. The next object was a folded paper menu from the restaurant we had gone to the night Cyan had told me about Ian. That night we had driven up the coast, stopped at the little restaurant and watched the sunset over dinner. After she opened her heart up to me I had held her in my arms. How I missed her in my arms, pressed against my chest.
I reached in again and pulled out two objects tucked in the corner of the box. One was the large piece of blue sea glass I had found that Cyan had gotten all excited about. She said it was a rare find. I remember thinking that she was my rare find.
The other object was a large seashell. It was one of thousands that we sifted through together on the island. I had never paid attention to sea shells before Cyan. Now each one was special, they were unique and this one was another reminder of good times on the island.
My hand bumped against something plastic and I pulled it out. Holding it in front of me I laughed until tears ran down my face. How she found this I'll never know, but in my hand was a small plastic pig. He was wearing a bright pink t-shirt and a pair of pants. Taped to the front of him Cyan had written a tiny little note: A pig in pants for my 'Piggy Pants'. I thought his bright pink shirt was appropriate too. Wow she must have felt like she struck gold when she found this one.
After my laughter calmed down I leaned back on the couch holding the little plastic pig in my hand. I looked at his pink shirt and remembered that rainy day. It was such a pivotal day for Cyan and I. I still wore that shirt around the house.
I could feel a few more objects in the box. My fingertips hit a couple small pieces. I pulled one out and smiled at the little green Andes mint. Cyan had laughed at me that night on the beach when I happily ate my mints after we had eaten take-out and watched the sunset.
That night we had talked about the forgiveness that Cyan was waiting on me to give. Not to her, but to myself. Why was it so hard?
Reaching for the other little object I found a Scrabble piece. It was the Z and one of the tiles worth the most. I'm sure the expression of worth wasn't lost on Cyan and it wasn't lost on me. She was reminding me of the night with Evelyn. Meeting someone close to Cyan had been important to both of us. That night with Evelyn had started with the photos and ended with our discussion about a first kiss.
There was another layer of tissue but I felt something wrapped in it and I pulled it out. Leaning back into the couch I unwrapped it. A note stuck to the front said: Reach in for your final reminder and enjoy it while you reminisce.
With a smile I leaned forward one more time and grabbed the box. Peeking in I saw the last object in the box. A sealed plastic baggy with three of Evelyn's cookies tucked inside. She was pulling out the big guns now and reminding my stomach of what I was missing.
Pulling open the baggy I grabbed a cookie, bit off a huge bite and leaned back clutching the object I had already pulled out. The cover was plastic and had an ocean landscape. Written in a fancy printed script it said You can never cross the ocean, unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. I knew what was inside the little plastic book in my hand, but I couldn't get past the quote on the front to open it. Cyan chose this photo album and I knew it would be filled with photos of our time together.
Reminders that we did indeed have lots of good memories together already. That by remembering these good parts it would be easier to let go of the bad parts. That if I wanted to cross that ocean I would have to have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
It had taken these reminders to realize what I had to fight for. That it was so much more than I allowed myself to feel I could deserve.
She still wasn't giving up on me. Everything I had asked of her she had given. Some of it I didn't even know I had asked for, like her love and trust, and yet she gave that too. But her forgiveness had been what I sought from the beginning.
She had just put the ball in my court. She had just check-mated me. My future literally was in my hands, explained on one sheet of paper. The memories we had created so far tucked into a little brown box. It was time to look in the mirror and see if I could get even a glimpse of the man that Cyan saw.
Waking in my childhood bed with the smell of turkey roasting brought back all kinds of memories. Mostly good. Thanksgiving had always been a family day, my mom had insisted upon it. Even after we had all moved out of the house it was understood that Thanksgiving day would be spent at my parents, all together.
When Bobby had gone to prison the dinner table had been quieter than usual as we missed his presence but we still got together. Even Jace had been there. I wasn't sure what to expect this year. With only Jenna and I left the table was going to have two empty seats, the thought of those empty chairs and what they represented was nearly unbearable.
I wasn't a huge football fan and didn't follow any particular team, but you could always count on my dad sitting in front of the TV watching his Cowboys play. I looked forward to hanging out with him, watching the game and listening to my mom and sister in the kitchen. It would be a few hours before the game and Jenna and Max's arrival. I had been contemplating something for a whole week. It had taken a lot of nerve to make the call but they had agreed to see me and said they would be available this morning.
I showered quickly and dressed in nice jeans and a button up shirt. I wanted to look presentable but not overdressed. Pausing in the kitchen on my way out I gave my mom a quick kiss on the cheek and let her know I would be back soon. I started to turn away when she stopped me with a hand on my arm. Turning back toward her she looked me in the eye and brought her hands to either side of my face. I was so much taller than her that she was reaching up and seemed so small in that moment.
“You're doing the right thing Ryder. She's worth fighting for, but don't make this just about Cyan, do this for you and do this for them. They need to forgive you and you need to let them.” She paused, searching my eyes, willing me to grasp those last five words. In case they hadn't sunk in, which they hadn't, she repeated them. “Let them forgive you Ryder and then you graciously accept. It's time to move on and you need to decide if that's going to be with or without Cyan by your side.”
My mom's pep talk had my head swirling which wasn't a good thing since the impending meeting already had me sick to my stomach. I spent the full fifteen minutes of the drive trying to build up my confidence.
In anxious situations I usually asked myself what the worst was that could happen and then would visualize that situation, convincing myself I could handle it. In this case the worst that could happen wasn't yelling or screaming, blaming or disappointment, although I deserved all that. No, for me the worst that could happen was that I didn't receive their forgiveness. That was something I wasn't sure I could handle.
I had seen photos of Ian before and being in a room surrounded by photos of him made it really hard for me to breathe. Some of the photos had Cyan by his side. Those were particularly hard for me to look at. He was a good looking guy, rugged, handsome and in every photo he had a huge smile on his face. I could picture that smile trained on Cyan and could see her beautiful grin in return. They had deserved each other and I'm sure they had been really good for each other.
This contemplation had taken just a few seconds and I slowly turned from the photos to face Ian's parents. They were both standing inside the living room and they invited me to sit down. I had thought about this visit for the last week and had gone over and over everything I wanted to say until it felt scripted. Sitting here now, facing them and seeing Ian's blue eyes and blond hair reflected back to me in them, all those words I had so carefully prepared went flying right out the window.
I opened my mouth willing something to come out. They both looked at me expectantly and I felt my blood pressure rise, heat building in my cheeks and I felt a little dizzy. This was not going well. My eyes started getting blurry and I dropped them to the ground trying to get some control.
Thankfully Ian's mom spoke, filling the awkward silence. “Ryder, we know you're here to get something off your chest, so please, go ahead.” Her voice was gentle and reassuring. While her voice calmed me it also made me tear up again. Man, I had become such a wuss the last couple months. Two years of hell with Ian's murder and Bobby going to prison and I only cried a couple times and the last two months I felt like that's all I had done.
I blew out the breath I had been holding and pressed my hands together between my knees, sat up straight and then wiped my hands down the tops of my legs. Raising my eyes to both of them I started at the beginning. I told them about the night Bobby had come to my parents, what he had said and how worried I was that something serious had happened. I told them how I tried to convince myself they weren't involved and how Bobby's arrest had crushed my family. I explained the guilt I had been carrying around for two years and how I had hoped returning the ring to Cyan would earn her forgiveness, and how I hoped that would allow me to move on. I even told them about the time I spent with Cyan and how I had fallen in love with her.
I paused whenever they had a question and I answered with complete honesty. There was no more holding back, no more half truths. They told me that Cyan had already told them everything she knew, but they appreciated hearing the details from me too. I even told them that although Cyan said she wasn't going to go to the police that I completely understood if they wanted to. And I meant it.
“Ryder, I appreciate you coming here today and opening up to us. I can see why Cyan is so in love with you,” Linda said pausing to see if she had my full attention. She absolutely did. My eyes had snapped up to meet hers when she said that. “You do know that right? She came to us a little over a week ago and discussed you and her future. She cares about you, she forgives you and she's in love with you. Your brothers took Ian from her, and us, but right now it's you
that is being taken from her. Right now you have her heart and she deserves yours in return.”
I felt the tears slide down my face but I didn't even wipe at them. Here I was sitting in front of the parents of a man my brothers had killed, who's son was supposed to have married the woman I was in love with and they were encouraging me to give her my heart, to allow her to love and be with me.
“How can you be so kind? So forgiving? Everything my family has put you through, everything I put you through? I don't deserve Cyan and I don't deserve your forgiveness.” I wasn't angry and I had said that in a voice just above a whisper. I stood and paced in front of the built-in bookshelves along the wall catching glimpses of Ian. I felt like he was watching me, watching this moment. I turned back to them, anguish burning in my chest. “I know I'm here to ask your forgiveness, because frankly without it I don't know if I can move on from this hell I've put myself in, but I know I don't deserve it.” I leaned one hand against the bookshelf to steady myself and covered my face with my other hand.
When I finally dropped my hand from my face Ian's dad stood in front of me, watching me. He hadn't spoke up to this point and my body tensed up. If the guy wanted to punch me in the face I was going to let him. I deserved it and so much more. When he reached toward me I instinctively flinched but then he clutched my shoulder and pulled me into his chest. That was it. I was done. I clutched this man I didn't know, who had every right to hate me, yet was hugging me and I started sobbing. See, in two months I had become a total baby. A big blubbering baby trapped inside six-foot-three inches of muscled man.
When we had all wiped our eyes and Ian's parents had assured me that they forgave me and my family I finally felt my nerves calm and I collapsed in the chair, leaning my elbows on my knees, holding my head in my hand. I was so very tired.
“Ryder?” Linda spoke quietly, reaching over to pat my knee. I looked up at her giving her my full attention. “Go to her honey. She needs you and you need her. And that's totally okay. The past is the past, let it go. Move on and let her be by your side. We forgive you, now you need to forgive yourself.”
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