I wasn't in the same room as before and I kind of missed my spot on the ceiling. This room was a flipped version of the previous room I was in. I liked that, from a visual, symbolic stand point. My return here was on the flip side of where Cyan and I had started.
The first time I came to Pacific Grove both Cyan and I were consumed by our pasts, tied up to the point of barely moving forward and I had been keeping information from her. Now on this return trip everything was out in the open. Neither one of us was holding back anything and we were both making serious progress in letting go of the past.
I was worried about tomorrow but I trusted Cyan. I knew she wouldn't intentionally hurt me. I needed to face this head on anyway. Last time I had been to the island I had left on a stretcher and Jace had left in a body bag. Some of my demons were on that island and I needed to face them and conquer them so I could move on. Maybe then the nightmares would stop. They had been coming more frequently.
I got Cyan's text when I woke the next morning. Surprisingly I had slept through the night, no nightmares waking me in cold sweats. Low tide was early, around seven, and it was already six-thirty. I texted Cyan back that I would meet her there.
Communicating with her again after all this time was going to take some getting used to. Three letters in two months and no other communication had been both difficult and enlightening. I think I needed that time to get my grief, guilt and feelings for Cyan figured out.
Cyan and I could have driven out together but I think we were both needing to approach this trip to the island in our own way. I had to brave my demons on my own, pulling on the strength I knew I had. I imagined Cyan felt the same way and was struggling in her own way.
It was a Saturday so there were a few more people out and about on the paths along the ocean, especially since it was the weekend after Thanksgiving. It was still fairly early though and I only saw a couple vehicles and a few fishermen near the island. Cyan's Jeep was already there and I didn't see her anywhere on the beach so I headed across the sand toward the hills jutting into the sea, breathing in the ocean breeze, feeling the salt water on my face as the breezes blew across me.
The last time I had crossed this stretch of land dusk was closing in and huge waves were crashing against the rocks. The water had been up to my knees already and my heart had been full of fear.
Now the stretch of beach was just wet sand crunching under my shoes and my heart was full of anxiety. I didn't rush, taking my time to breath in my surroundings and still my quickening pulse.
I tried not to imagine this being the last place I had seen Jace alive. I tried not to imagine the look in his eyes when we had gone over the edge and I tried not to imagine the red and blue emergency lights that had lit up the low clouds. I blocked out the sounds from that night. The crashing waves, the voices on the beach and that scream that I kept hearing over and over in my nightmares. I wasn't sure if I was imagining it, or if my subconscious was filling in details, but something told me that scream I kept hearing was Cyan. I needed to ask her about it.
I found her where I expected to. It had taken me at least ten minutes of climbing and descending to reach her at the back of the island. The waves were calm now, rolling in softly, larger ones hitting the big rock formations a hundred feet out, but nothing that big coming near the island. The sun was low on the horizon, making it's morning rise up into the sky, but there was no fog, just a clear blue sky. I looked up as a flock of pelicans flew over in formation. Seagulls flew lazy circles. I turned toward the sun and closed my eyes to the warmth. I said a silent prayer for strength before heading toward Cyan.
Chapter 41 - Cyan
I sensed him before I saw him. I was already so in-tuned to when he was around. My arms had been crossed as I looked out over the sea but I slowly turned and saw him with his face up to the sun. His eyes closed briefly and my heart ached for the pain he must be feeling right now. I didn't want him to hurt. I had asked him to the island with hopes of accomplishing a couple things.
One was to help us both face that night. The night Jace had died and the night I thought Ryder had too. I hadn't been out here since the accident and it had been so difficult to cross that sandy stretch of ground again today. The images from that night were burned into my brain and as hard as I tried I couldn't suppress the images as I had walked out here.
Climbing up and down the rocky hills, crossing the beaches covered in broken shells, I had no idea how I had done that in the dark of that stormy night. Multiple times. After I found the fishermen on the beach, the older man and I had headed back out. I remember we had clutched on to one another, shouting over the wind and waves. I just wanted to get back to the other side of the island, hoping against hope that we would find Ryder and Jace alive. We had reached the stretch of island that I now stood on once again, just as the sky behind us had lit up with the emergency lights. The fisherman and I had screamed for Ryder and Jace, carefully scrambling up and down the rocks around the area that I had seen the brothers go over the edge of. We did our best to stick together and more than once he had to hold me back from doing something dangerous that would have ended with me crashing to the rocks below too.
In the end neither one of us had seen them. After that wave had hit I had seen Jace's body on the rocks below. When we returned his body was gone. I found out later that his body has washed up on another outcropping of rocks and that was where the Coast Guard and firemen had found him. Ryder had been found on the other side of the outcropping, stuck between the rocks, luckily slightly protected from the worst of the waves.
Ryder walked behind me and slid his arms around my waist resting his head against the top of mine. “It's so weird to be out here again,” he said.
I knew there was a lot more he wasn't saying, but I would go with weird. It really was weird to be back out here after so long.
“Thank you for meeting me,” I said wrapping my arms across his in front of me. We both stood safely a few feet back from the edge, looking out over the waves.
“Can I ask you a question,” Ryder asked. His lips kept pressing small kisses to my temple and I had closed my eyes enjoying his touch.
“Sure,” I replied.
“That night, after Jace and I went over the edge, has been coming back to me in bits and pieces. I remember right after the firemen had found me, they strapped me to a board and started pulling me onto the rocks. It was chaos. I'm a big guy and there were a lot of firemen struggling to carry me across the hills in the wind and with the waves crashing around us.” He paused and I knew a question was coming. Right now he was struggling to get out the memories. I hadn't heard any of this from him so I was soaking in the details that filled in my blanks from that night.
“I had been drifting in and out of consciousness, my head was pounding, but I think I remember a scream. It's been haunting my nightmares and I've been wondering if that was you. Did you scream that night?” His arms were still tight around my body and my back was pressed to his chest. We were both reliving that night and I drew strength from his strong body.
“I had been sitting in the back of an ambulance and I had been scanning the beach praying that I would see you, and Jace, come walking up with the firemen. I remember I was shaking so hard I could barely see straight.” I paused taking a breath and Ryder kissed my temple again. “When the firemen came walking up the beach it wasn't with you or Jace walking between them, it was with a black body bag being carried between them and I just couldn't take it. I remember screaming. I thought it was you in that bag.” I turned in his arms, looking up into his eyes. “Ryder, it was like I had lost a piece of me. I already loved you so much and thinking that you were dead... my heart just couldn't handle it. I guess I fainted right after that and was taken to the hospital, so I never saw them bring you up the beach.”
“I guess I knew all along that was you screaming. That sound has been haunting my dreams for weeks now.” He stroked the back of his fingers along the side of my face and I leaned into his hand
.
“I spent more than twelve hours thinking you were dead,” I said holding his gaze. “My heart had shattered when Ian died and just when I had started putting the pieces back together, it shattered again that night. When I found out that you were still alive there was such a rush of relief, but it was quickly followed by the realization that it was Jace in that body bag then. Knowing you had lost another brother, Ryder, killed me. I was hurting so bad for you. I wish you would have let me help you.” I wasn't mad anymore and I wasn't bringing this up to make him feel bad. I wanted him to know that from here on out it was him and I. We were on this crazy ride together, through the good and the bad.
“I'm sorry Cyan. I really am. I hate to think about you hurting and me not being there for you. But looking back now, I think that it was best that I got my head straight before we pursued 'us'. Visiting with Ian's parents gave me the forgiveness I needed to move on.” His hands had been gently stroking my arms and he slid his hands up and into my hair, his thumbs stroking my cheeks. “Together. Here on out, we need to do this together.”
I pulled the chain out from under my shirt, the ring Ian had slid on my finger hanging from the end. Ryder stared at the ring and then back up to meet my eyes. I knew by the look on his face that seeing the ring again was like a punch to the gut. I unhooked the clasp and slid the ring into my hand. I tucked the chain into my pocket.
“When Ian gave me this ring it was to symbolize our beginning, with no end, but that promise was taken from me when Ian died and the ring disappeared. I keep Ian in my heart now. This ring doesn't symbolize what it was meant to.” I sighed, still facing Ryder, holding the ring between us. “I need to move forward. This ring was the final declaration of Ian's love and it was the catalyst to his death. This ring also brought you to me but at the same time ultimately led to the death of both of your brothers.
“Call it fate, luck, divine intervention or Ian looking out for me, but the ring was given to you. Bobby could have just as easily thrown it away, but he chose to give it to you and you chose to return it to me. The tragedy of that fateful night eternally binds us together, much like the ring was supposed to bind Ian and I in marriage. I will see Ian again some day, of that I am sure, but now, now I must live. Now I must move on and let go.”
“Cyan,” Ryder breathed my name. A whisper on his lips. He was hurting for me and I loved that I could feel his compassion.
I turned toward the ocean, holding Ryder's hand in mine. The breeze was gentle and cool and blew on our faces. The sun was warm at our backs and this world we were standing in was peaceful.
Pinching the ring between my fingers I read Ian's inscription again “My only Blue, my only love. Forever yours,” I said softly. Ryder squeezed my hand gently.
Raising the ring to my lips I kissed it and said good-bye. “Good-bye BB. Thank you for loving me, for living your life to it's fullest by my side. I will forever hold you in my heart. Until I see you again.” I kissed the ring one more time then I raised my arm and threw it as far as I could into the ocean waves. That ring had brought both tragedy and promises of the future. To face that future I had to take the ring and all it symbolized and let it go.
Epilogue - Cyan
Ryder and I's adventures have continued over the last year. He surprises me in so many ways with his love of this life and side-by-side we tackle every day. Ryder moved to Pacific Grove permanently within a couple weeks of our reunion. We had spent two months apart and we both knew that living without one another was never going to happen again.
Ryder rented a small house within walking distance from my apartment and we both settled into our routines. His design business continued to flourish, my photos continued to sell and I took on a few commissioned projects.
The island continues to be a special place for both of us and although we had lost Jace there, we had also gained each others trust and love on that island as well.
Roger and Lynn were ecstatic over Ryder and I's reunion and the double dates have been plentiful with Lynn's constant planning. Ryder didn't have any close friends and bonding with Roger has been a big step for him. He admitted to me one night that Roger has become the big brother to him that he had wished Jace had been all along. I shared that with Roger one night in private and he had teared up.
Evelyn found every opportunity to bake for Ryder. I was starting to wonder if he was using me to get to the endless supply of cookies. Piggy pants comments may have continued to be made a time or two, or three.
Today was exactly one year since Ryder and I had met on the island to face our demons. Exactly one year since I let go of the ring Ian had given to me so that I could face my future.
Ryder had picked me up from home in Cuda and we drove out to the island to celebrate this one year mark. We both had come to think of that day as the official day that we got together.
It was a little after four thirty and the sun had started it's decent toward the ocean waves. We had about half-an-hour before the sun would sizzle into the sea and at least an hour before the tide would start to rise again.
Hand-in-hand Ryder and I walked across the sandy stretch of beach that had become so familiar. I couldn't help but think back to that very first time that I had crossed this path with Ryder. He had been a stranger to me back then, but already I had started making a little room in my heart for him.
We continued strolling along the sandy paths, pausing every now and then to collect a few sea shells that caught our eyes. I had a few large, clear glass jars at home that I would drop our treasures into.
I knew where we were heading without either one of us needing to say it. The sun was even lower in the sky when we reached our spot on the far side of the island. There wasn't anyone else out this far and we had the space all to ourselves with sweeping views of the ocean and setting sun.
The sky was lit up in beautiful hues of orange, yellow and pink. A few scattered clouds added shades of blue and gray brushed across the other colors in wispy streaks.
Ryder and I sat side-by-side on the sandy patch at the top of the hill. I leaned into him and he wrapped his arm across my shoulders. The breeze was cool, but comfortable. It was so quiet and peaceful and I wanted to live in this perfect little bubble beside Ryder for the rest of my life.
He must have been reading my mind. Glancing over to Ryder I was a little surprised to see him looking at me. He dropped his arm from my shoulder and turned kneeling down facing me. Taking both of my hands in his he was no longer watching the sunset, he was watching it's reflection in my eyes instead.
“Ryder?” I asked. He looked really intense and a little serious. Then his face softened and he gave me a gentle smile.
“Cyan, the last year has been the most important year of my life. In that time I not only found the love of my life, I found my reason for living. I didn't know what I was missing until I found everything I could possibly need in this life wrapped up in you. One thing that we have both learned over the years is that life is short. It can be taken from us at any time and I don't intend on squandering a single second of this life. I cannot fully live without you by my side.” He slid the ring out of his pocket with so little movement that I didn't realize he had even taken his hand from mine. His other hand still clutched mine and he brought it to his lips, gently kissing my knuckles.
He breathed in deep then looked into my eyes. His hazel eyes were bright blue today. But in this moment I didn't think of Ian's blue eyes and I didn't think of another proposal, with another ring at sunset, next to a body of water that I loved. I didn't think about any of those times because I had already let them go.
I smiled a big smile at Ryder. It was a reassuring smile, one that told him I was right here with him and only him.
“Cyan, will you do me the honor of sharing our future together. Creating new memories while we enjoy the reminders of the past? We have so many adventures in store for us.” He paused, breathing in deep before continuing. “Will you marry me?” He did the sweet thing by getting
up onto one knee as he asked me that all important question.
My heart was so full of love for this man. I searched his eyes, strengthened by the love I saw in them.
“Yes,” I said pausing to wipe a happy tear. “Yes I will marry you and together we will enjoy all the adventures that this life has for us”
My voice was breathy and shaking even though I felt completely sure about this. He slid the ring onto my finger and I threw my arms around his neck, watching the last flickers of the sun sink into the sea over his shoulder.
The sky slowly deepened, orange and yellow giving way to purple as we continued to hold onto one another with no plans to ever let go.
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