I was back home, having left the Brooks home after giving them both a hug at the door. They were amazing people and I was so glad that I had gone to talk to them. My sister was downstairs helping my mom in the kitchen and I was laying on my bed trying to grab a quick nap before dinner. It wasn't working. There were too many thoughts running through my head, but the pieces were slowly starting to click in place. I had unburdened myself with Cyan, my parents and with Ian's parents and I had received forgiveness from them all.
This is where my organized thoughts ended and my future stood before me. Did I quietly pick up the pieces, accept the forgiveness and go back to my life as it has been the last couple months, leaving Cyan alone to move on without me, to take away the risk that I could somehow hurt her again? Or did I pick up the pieces, accept the forgiveness and then fight like hell to earn back the woman I loved, who's heart Ian's mom said I held? Did I give her mine wholly and completely and allow myself to consider a happy future?
Reaching over to my night stand I grabbed the photo album Cyan had sent to me. Slowly I flipped through the pictures. Most of them I had seen the night that we had watched the slide show at Cyan's house, but having them here in my hand, able to carry them everywhere I went, they had become like a lifeline between Cyan and I.
Toward the back of the album was a picture I had taken of Cyan with her camera the night I had taken her on our first official date. Before we had gone to the carnival and the night had unraveled. She carried her camera everywhere and it had taken some convincing, but she let me snap a few photos of her before she snatched it back and took a bunch more of me.
Looking at her beautiful face, her green eyes were sparkling, her mouth was slightly open as she was laughing at something I had said. Her long brown hair was blowing back, the sun softly warming her face.
This was the face of a woman I wanted to look at every day for the rest of my life.
Sitting up on the bed I swung my feet over the edge making up my mind. I was going to enjoy this time with my family, be thankful for what we had. Although we had lost so much in the last few months we had also gained so much from our community. Friendship and forgiveness that we didn't know we could receive.
Then I was going to go to my girl and I was going to fight like hell to be her man. I had a kiss to earn and I was determined to get it.
Chapter 39 - Cyan
We had an early Thanksgiving at my parents last week since I was already in town to see both Ian and Ryder's parents. Sam had brought his girlfriend over for dinner and my mom was so excited to have both her kids in the house again. Sam's girlfriend, Liz, was a sweet girl and was just the distraction we all needed. Sam could be a little secretive and we had just found out recently that he had been seeing Liz for four months. Having him invite her to dinner was a big step and I was excited for him. It was a wonderful way to finish off my trip.
Evelyn had gone over to her friends house yesterday for dinner and Roger and Lynn had headed to his parents house for Thanksgiving. Lynn's parents were enjoying a Bahama cruise so it was just Roger's side this year. Tonight we had planned to have Thanksgiving all together. It was our little rag-tag Pacific Grove family and I was really looking forward to it. The only thing that would have made it perfect was if Ryder was here with me.
We planned to meet at Evelyn's at two and cook together. Roger and Lynn were bringing the turkey so that it was already cooked, but all the side dishes we were going to prepare together. Armed with two bottles of wine to make the food preparation even more enjoyable, I headed over to Evelyn's with my sacks of groceries.
There was no doubt in any of our minds that Evelyn would have a bounty of desserts ready to go. Knowing the desserts would be covered we had forbid Evelyn to take care of any of the other food. Her job was to let us invade her home, prepare the food and she could keep us entertained with her stories.
Roger and Lynn arrived soon after me and the noise level went up along with the wine consumption. Preparing the food was the most enjoyable part. I hadn't laughed this hard in a long time.
I didn't have a game plan with Ryder yet. He hadn't responded to the letter and package I sent and I had no idea what his decision was going to be. As far as I knew he was sticking to a future without me.
Was he okay with that? I didn't know. I knew I wasn't okay with it though and I was determined to make him understand how deep my feelings for him ran. They ran deeper than the events of the past, they ran to my soul.
We had just finished pulling the sweet potatoes from the oven and Roger was placing the dinner rolls on the table when Evelyn's doorbell rang. Evelyn hopped down from the chair pulled up to the counter, where she had been watching all our antics with a huge grin on her face, and headed toward the door. Every time I was around her I was surprised how spry she still was for her age.
Roger was telling Lynn and I a joke and we were so busy laughing that we didn't really pay much attention to the door bell or who might be at Evelyn's door.
I heard his voice first and my laughter froze in my throat. My stunned silence was soon followed by Lynn and then Roger as all three of us turned toward the front door.
Evelyn came into the living room from the entry with her arm through Ryder's. She was clutching onto him like she needed support. I knew better, she had just hopped down from the chair and headed across the living room with no problem whatsoever. She was hanging onto Ryder and leading him to me like she was afraid he might bolt.
Roger was the first to break the silence, heading toward Ryder with his hand outstretched, offering up a hand shake. Lynn and I both stood there in stunned silence. Ryder's eyes found mine and I could see the longing and uncertainty in his beautiful eyes. He was wearing dark slacks and a soft gray sweater, turning his hazel eyes the color of steel. They were beautiful and strong.
This man made my heart skip every time I saw him. After two months it positively stopped.
I wanted to run to him, throw my arms around his waist and press my cheek to that strong chest of his. I didn't realize how much I missed his embrace.
His hair was trimmed on the sides and a little longer on top, his facial hair short and sexy. He looked stronger across his upper body and I wasn't sure if he had actually put on muscle or had lost weight, he looked trimmed and even better looking than the last time I had seen him. If that was even possible.
It felt like that first time I had seen him in the gallery, I was checking him out head-to-toe taking in every detail. He stood there doing the same to me and I was happy that I had taken the time to curl my long hair and had worn a short fitted red dress and high heels. I had been tempted to wear my fat pants with the elastic waist since I was planning to eat a ton of food. Thank goodness I had vetoed that plan!
I had daydreamed about him walking back into town and sweeping me off my feet so many times that part of me wasn't sure if this was real or another one of my silly daydreams.
I had no idea why he was here, if it was good or bad news for my heart, and I was determined to hear him out. Breaking the thick silence Ryder finally spoke and I stepped toward him without even thinking about it.
“Cyan, I don't know where to start, but I love you and I'm sorry.” he said. He didn't move toward me but stood with his hands at his side, his body open to me, but not pushing. I closed the gap between us and stood in front of him, still not touching him even though everything in me was begging me to throw myself against him.
“Ryder, you're forgiven. You have been for awhile. I'm just glad you finally got your brain to listen to your heart,” I said smiling up at him. I couldn't resist any longer and I threw myself against his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist. His arms wrapped around me tight, pulling me against him and I felt his cheek press against the top of my head. Listening to his strong heartbeat and breathing in the manly scent that was all Ryder, I felt whole. Totally and completely whole. He was my missing piece and I vowed to never lose him again.
He kissed the top of my head then leane
d down placing his cheek against mine. I could have held him like that forever but I begrudgingly came back to earth and realized that dinner was on the table and we had a hungry audience.
Evelyn was already grabbing an extra plate and utensils and Roger brought over another chair. Our Thanksgiving table was complete now. The night was perfect. We all ate until we were stuffed and I took every opportunity to remind Ryder that he was in fact a 'piggy pants' to which he threw a couple candy corns at me to shut me up. Totally didn't work. I just caught them and ate them. You don't waste candy when I'm around.
Roger and Ryder got along fantastically and they got wrapped up discussing some marketing projects that Roger said he could use Ryder's design skills on. Just like that, with a couple whispered sentences, all was right in my world. I was surrounded by some of my favorite people with a man I loved by my side. I was complete and totally thankful.
After cleaning up Evelyn's kitchen and dividing up all the leftovers for everyone to take home, Roger and Lynn said their good-byes. I could tell Evelyn was getting tired so Ryder and I left too. She kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear. My cheeks flushed at her, but I told her, “Don't worry, I'm going to make sure he does.” She chuckled at that and patted the side of Ryder's face with a twinkle in her eye.
We stepped into the cool Autumn air and Ryder took my hand in his. We walked to my little apartment and he followed me in carrying the left overs. Placing them in the refrigerator he turned toward me and the space suddenly felt too close.
“Do you feel like going for a walk?” I asked. I needed some quiet time with him, to say what we hadn't said, in a space that wasn't so enclosed.
He seemed to understand and nodded saying, “A walk sounds good. Did you want to change first?”
Looking down I realized that four inch heels and a short dress were a little impractical for a walk so I excused myself to my room. Returning in a pair of jeans, a sweater and a pair of tennis shoes I was both warmer and ready for a long walk.
Stepping into my living room I paused when I saw Ryder holding two picture frames in his hand. In one was a photo of Ian and I that had been taken about a month before he was killed. We were at a wedding and having a great time, it was dusk and there were little white lights strung everywhere. There were disposable cameras at every table and someone had snapped a candid photo of us. Ian's bright blue eyes were sparkling, his mouth open in laughter. My hand was running through the back of his blond hair and I was looking up at him with pure love written all over my laughing face.
In Ryder's other hand was a photo of he and I that Evelyn had taken. She had picked up my camera the night I had first brought Ryder over to meet her. I didn't know she even knew how to work it, but she had discreetly snapped a bunch of pictures of Ryder and I laughing, sitting at her dining room table with the Scrabble game spread out in front of us. I had found the photos weeks later when I had decided to edit some landscape shots I had taken.
This photo was similar to the one of Ian and I and the similarities weren't lost on me. In both photos I was longingly looking at the only two men I had ever loved in my life, at least in that way. Ryder was laughing about one of the crazy words that Evelyn had played and I was disputing. I remember Evelyn had gotten up to get her dictionary; that must have been when she snapped the shots. I was turned in my chair facing him with a big grin on my face and there was no denying the love in my eyes.
I waited for Ryder to turn toward me, a little worried that seeing those two pictures was going to somehow burst the little bubble I had been in since he arrived. Setting them both back down gently on the shelf Ryder turned toward me. I held my breath.
“I know how much you love Ian and how much you loved being with him. I've heard you tell me and I've heard his parents tell me.” He searched my eyes, stepping toward me. Wait, what? He talked to Ian's parents? We were so coming back to that statement, but for now I wanted to hear what he had to say. “Looking at those two photos it makes me so happy to see you look at me the same way.” Wow, not what I was expecting, but he was right and I was so happy he was finally realizing that I really did love him.
I felt the smile break across my face and relief flooded my eyes. “Ryder, I really do love you as much as I loved Ian. I love Ian still, but it's not the same. He's not here with me anymore, you are. He's a part of me, and actually a part of you too. But he's not my future. You're here so I can assume you want to be my future.” The last part was both a statement and a question.
“I can't imagine not being in your future and I want to be there in any capacity that you'll allow,” he said pulling me into his strong arms.
“Do you remember the night that that photo of you and I was taken?” I asked, leaning back a little in his arms to look up at him.
“It was the night I met Evelyn the first time,” he said with a gentle smile.
“When you walked me to my door that night I asked you why you wouldn't kiss me. Do you remember what you said?” I was still looking up at him but my eyes kept slipping down to his lips. The air felt thicker and I felt my heart start to pound in my chest.
“I told you that I was going to have to earn that first kiss. And that when I had, if I did, that then you could let me know that it was okay to kiss you.” His voice was low and breathy and he was looking at my lips too.
“Well, you've earned it,” I said softly, waiting and hoping he agreed.
Apparently he did because without hesitation his lips came down to mine. That first kiss was gentle and sweet. The kisses that followed were more urgent and deep.
Clearing his throat after several minutes Ryder pulled me against his chest again and kissed the top of my head.
“I think we better take that walk now,” he whispered against my ear.
I heard the smile in his voice and understood the need we were both feeling. We had to take it slow though and make sure this relationship, that we were both finally willing to pursue, started out right. At least from this point forward.
Chapter 40 - Ryder
I had been so scared when I walked up to Evelyn's front door. I saw the group gathered inside and had headed to Evelyn's house instead of Cyan's. I was prepared for a quiet talk at Cyan's front door, I wasn't prepared for a dinner party and a public apology. I had come too far to turn back now, and I was so glad I hadn't.
Evelyn had answered the door with first a look of surprise and then a big grin. Her “about time” made me laugh out loud and had released a lot of my pent up anxiety. Roger went out of his way to make me feel more comfortable and I was grateful. Cyan had told me how protective he was of her and I was embarrassed that I had ever thought she had been on a date with him. Having his approval meant a lot.
When I had seen Cyan across the room, standing so tall and beautiful in that sexy red dress and high heels, I mentally punched myself in the head for having waited two months to return to her. She was the whole package, smart, funny, gentle, sweet and drop-dead gorgeous. Lucky for me she found me kind of cute too.
It was late but Cyan and I were still walking along the ocean. It was like we were both trying to cram two months of missing one another into one evening. I had grabbed my jacket from my car on the way out and we had started walking in no particular direction.
We were now carrying to-go cups of hot coffee and slowly making our way back toward Cyan's house. The moon was out bright and nearly full and cast a beautiful silver string of light across the dark ocean waves. Holding hands and walking slow we took our time, enjoying this time together. We occasionally passed other people out enjoying the Friday evening, but we mostly had the path to ourselves.
Cyan's first question had of course been about when I had met Ian's parents. I knew as soon as I said it that she would be all over that. I told her truthfully about what had been said. I even told her that I had bawled like a baby in Ian's dad's arms and she had teared up a little over that. She smiled and assured me that Jim was an amazing man and having his approval meant a lot to h
er.
We also made sure that we got in about two months worth of kissing on that walk. We had a lot of ground to make up for and I was determined to get caught up. I didn't think it was going to be possible to fall any more in love with Cyan, but those kisses proved me wrong. She had already worked her way into my heart and soul, but her kisses branded her body to mine.
When we reached Cyan's front door we stopped and I kissed her goodnight. We hadn't talked about tomorrow or the next day or the next week, but I figured I would take it one step at a time. I knew I would see her, we were making progress and there was no way we were going backward now. After one more kiss I turned and was halfway down her walk when she called out.
“Ryder?”
Turning back to her I stepped closer, waiting for her to continue.
“Um, tomorrow, can you meet me at the island?” She spoke hesitantly and I understood why. I know she understood why this was a difficult request. I hadn't gone near the island since Jace died and up to this point I didn't have any intentions in ever returning, but Cyan was asking and she was asking for reason. I knew that it must be important to her so reluctantly I agreed.
“What time?” I said, just above a whisper.
“I need to check the tide charts. Can I text you in the morning?” She looked worried that I was upset. And I was upset, but not at her. My heart was pounding and I suddenly felt nervous.
“Ok. I'll wait for your text. Goodnight Cyan, I love you,” I said giving her a small smile, turning and heading to Cuda parked in front of Evelyn's house. I hadn't gone back to her or kissed her one more time. At that point I just needed to be alone.
I arrived back at the same hotel I stayed in before. I had only booked one night since I didn't know how long I would be staying. Tomorrow I would pay for a few more nights until I had a better understanding of what my immediate future held.
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