by Naomi Niles
Mom brought me some water and she and Maddie sat around me. I could see all the questions they wanted to ask but neither one wanted to push or upset me. They watched me silently, waiting for me to start the conversation.
“It’s ok guys,” I said once I had finished my glass of water. “You can ask me anything.”
“Are you going to keep the baby?” Maddie asked first.
“Yes,” I said without hesitation. “It never even crossed my mind not to have this baby. I know I didn’t plan for this, but now that it’s happened, I’ve never wanted anything more.”
Mom and Maddie both smiled at my words. “Well then, congratulations, Lizzie,” Maddie said fervently as she reached out and took my hand. “I’m happy for you.”
Mom put her arm around my shoulders and kissed me gently on the cheek. “I can’t believe I’m going to be a grandmother; it’s surreal.”
“For me too,” I nodded. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“So … Dylan?” Maddie said cautiously. “He’s definitely the father?”
“Definitely,” I nodded. “There are no two words about it.”
“When are you going to tell him?” mom asked.
The moment she asked the question I felt my insides church uncomfortably and I knew that I had come to the most difficult part of this whole situation. I felt another bout of nausea overtake me and I had to stand up again.
“I think I’m going to be sick again,” I said as I ran to the bathroom.
They tried to follow me but I closed the bathroom door and threw up. Once I was done, I flushed and washed out my mouth. I leaned against the sink as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Dylan … he was the father and he had a right to know but I also knew that he didn’t want a child—not now at least.
He was still a Navy SEAL and his first and foremost duty was to his country. I didn’t want to disrupt his life and his plans simply because I had made a bad call in a moment of passion. I recalled the conversation we had had about Dylan’s dream to open up a rehabilitation center for retired war veterans. I recalled how his eyes had lit up when he had spoken about this dream.
He had a goal for himself, he was striving for something that he wanted to achieve on his own. It was born out of his passions, his dreams, and his life experience and I didn’t want to trespass on it.
I knew that if I told Dylan I was pregnant then he would somehow and some way come down to Bastrop immediately. He would commit himself to me and commit himself to being a father. He would never make me feel as though he didn’t want to be there, but I would always know in the back of my mind that this wasn’t what he had chosen.
He had been forced into it. Life had stepped in and made the choice for him and what I wanted most of all was for Dylan to be able to make his own choices, free from responsibilities that had been thrust upon him.
Unconsciously, my hand fell over my stomach and I tried to concentrate. I tried to feel the presence of my child inside me. Slowly, I pulled up my blouse and stared at my belly; it was flat and there was no indication of pregnancy about me at all. Apart from the nausea, the slight fever, and the doctor’s confirmation, I might not have believed I was pregnant at all.
When I walked back out of the bathroom my mind was made up and I knew I needed to see this through. I sat back down on the sofa, avoiding mom and Maddie’s eyes.
“Are you ok?” mom asked.
“I’m fine,” I said. “I guess I’m going to have to get used to this. How long does this part last?”
Mom smiled. “It’s different for every woman; it could last a few days or a few months, depending on the pregnancy.”
“Geez,” I sighed. “Did you have bad morning sickness?”
“I never had morning sickness,” mom replied. “I didn’t throw up once when I was pregnant with you.”
“Not even once?” Maddie asked in amazement.
“No,” mom replied shaking her head.
“Wow, that’s the kind of pregnancy I’m hoping for,” Maddie said.
Then mom turned to me again and I knew a serious question was on the brink of being asked. I steeled myself in preparation and waited.
“When are you going to tell Dylan?”
I sighed and took a deep breath. “I’m not going to tell Dylan at all, mom,” I said and I could feel the disapproval waft off of her.
“Lizzie …”
“I know what you’re thinking,” I said before she could continue. “He deserves to know but in this case, I know what’s best for him.”
“You think keeping this from him is what’s best for him?” Maddie asked with muted incredulity.
“He has plans for his life,” I said trying to explain. “He has dreams and I know him; he’s going to see them through. I don’t want to disrupt that. I don’t want to disrupt his life.”
“So what?” Maddie asked. “Why can’t he do both? He can be a father and follow through with his dreams.”
“That’s the thing,” I said imploringly. “He doesn’t want to be a father right now. He told me so himself; he wants time to get things straight in his head before he can commit to marriage or kids. He’s been through a lot over there and I don’t think he’s in the right headspace for a child.”
“Elizabeth …” my mother’s voice was gentle and soft. “I know you think you have the right to decide for him, but this is as much his child as it is yours. What happens if he finds out later? How do you think that will make him feel?”
“Well … I …”
“Do you really want him to miss out on his child’s life?” mom went on. “Do you really want your child to grow up without a father?"
“That’s not fair,” I said defensively. “You and dad were married until I was a teenager and I still felt as though I didn’t have a father most of the time. He was never around even when he lived with us, and when he finally moved out, after the dust had settled, I barely noticed.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I didn’t suffer because of it,” I said. “I turned out all right despite not having a father figure in my life.”
“There’s a difference though,” Maddie cut in. “Your father just didn’t know how to be a dad. Dylan will want to do better; he’ll want to be a good father.”
“At the expense of the life he had envisioned for himself?” I asked. “We’ve been through so much together. We had this beautiful love story in school but then we took different paths and we still weren’t able to be happy because we were so tied to each other in so many ways. It’s time for Dylan to have the life he wants and it’s time for me to try and achieve the same thing. I appreciate all your advice and support, but this is my decision. Dylan has moved on. He left Bastrop and he left me. I don’t want him coming back just because I’m pregnant. I couldn’t bare that.”
Maddie and mom exchanged a glance and I could tell that they knew there was nothing more they could say to me. I excused myself after a moment and went to my room. I slipped underneath my covers and closed my eyes as I travelled back in time twelve years into the past to when I was sixteen, Dylan was by my side, and everything had been simple.
Chapter Thirty-One
Dylan
Two Months Later
The air felt different in Bastrop. I used to think it had a slightly claustrophobic tenor when I was a teenager, but now it felt more like freedom. I was old enough to realize now that it had nothing to do with the air and everything to do with me. I was different now, I was older, and hopefully that meant I would do better this time.
I got off the tarmac and walked into the airport. It took me an hour to get through baggage claim and when I had finally got all my bags together, I moved towards the main exit where I knew Tyler was waiting for me. I saw him the moment the sliding doors parted. He was a little warmer than usual and he stepped forward and embraced me willingly enough.
Our relationship was still a work in progress, but we had been doing better than before. It wa
sn’t like we had had much communication in the last four months, but he had dropped me a short message a few weeks after my deployment. All it said was, ‘Hope you’re doing ok, mom’s fine, and I’m all moved in,’ but I appreciated it all the same. It was more than he would have done a few years ago.
I had messaged him back with a text that was equally as short but a few days later I had got a reply. We had continued in that vein over the next few months and even though the string of texts put together could barely constitute a conversation, it was something.
My communication with Lizzie, however, had come to an abrupt stop a few months ago. I had written to her a few times, short emails with little detail but I had been sure she would keep replying. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she stopped answering back and I stopped hearing from her altogether. There was no explanation and no excuse: just silence. A part of me wondered if this was payback. If this was Lizzie’s way of showing me what my silence all those years ago had meant to her.
“Hi, bro,” I said as Tyler and I broke off our awkward hug. “How are things?”
“Fine,” Tyler replied. “Pretty good actually.”
“I can see that,” I said looking him over. He looked different somehow and it had nothing to do with his clothes. He seemed happier, and that made him appear a lot better looking too. “You look really good.”
“Do I?” Tyler asked. “Funny, people have been saying that to me a lot lately.”
“Any particular reason for that?” I asked curiously.
Tyler smiled but he didn’t answer. He took one of my bags and we started walking towards the parking lot. It felt a little like déjà vu for me as I hopped into the front seat of Tyler’s Jeep.
“That all happened a lot sooner than I anticipated,” Tyler said as we turned out of the parking lot.
“My discharge, you mean?”
“Yeah,” Tyler nodded. “I thought it would take a couple more months to be honest.”
“Actually I did too,” I admitted. “But my captain … well, he’s pretty great and I think he had a feeling I would want to retire soon. I called him from Japan and told him my decision and he didn’t seem all that surprised. By the time I got back to America … well, my walking papers were almost ready.”
“Wow,” Tyler nodded. “So does this mean you’re officially discharged?”
“It does.”
Tyler nodded. “So what’s the plan now?”
I laughed. “That’s a loaded question.”
“Well, you better be prepared to answer it because that’s the one question you’re going to get hit with wherever you go.”
“I suppose you’re right,” I nodded. “And I do have something in mind.”
“Does this have anything to do with that war vet rehab center idea of yours?” Tyler asked.
“You remembered?”
Tyler rolled his eyes at me. “I don’t just nod along mindlessly when you talk, Dylan,” he said. “I actually listen from time to time.”
“Good to know,” I said. “But yeah … that is what I have in mind. I’ve been looking at larger pieces of land and I there are a few places that would be the perfect setting for a center like the one I have in mind.”
“In Bastrop?” Tyler asked with interest.
“Actually no,” I said slowly. “I decided to come back home for a few weeks and get my head on straight, work out a few things, you know … and after I’ve sorted that out, it might be time for me to leave again.”
“Did you ever stop to consider the fact that you’re so used to moving around that you might actually not be able to stay in one place for long?” Tyler asked.
“I have actually,” I nodded. “But the thing is, there’s nothing tying me down at the moment. So I guess I have the luxury of making things up as I go.”
“Hmm,” was all Tyler said and it was pregnant with a number of unsaid things. I was about to ask him what he meant by that but then I stopped myself at the last minute; everyone would have differing opinions. I had to learn to block out the white noise and start listening to myself.
“So … have you seen or heard from Lizzie lately?” I asked trying to sound as casual as possible.
Tyler glanced at me. “To be honest, I haven’t seen her much at all. She’s been MIA for a while now but I think it’s because she’s busy with work and …”
“And …?”
“And I think she’s seeing someone,” Tyler said cautiously and I knew he was expecting a reaction from me. I suppressed my instinctive response, which was to balk in disappointment. I should have expected that. She was just too special a person to be alone forever.
“Who?” I asked hoping that my voice didn’t sound too weird.
“I honestly don’t know,” Tyler said. “Maddie doesn’t say much about her; they’ve been friends for so long I guess her loyalty leans more towards Lizzie than it does to me.”
I wrinkled my eyes at him. “Why on earth would Maddie have any loyalty towards you at all?”
Tyler smiled. “I guess mom didn’t mention it to you. Maddie and I have been dating for a while now.”
“Seriously?” I asked in surprise. “How long is a while?”
“We started dating a few weeks after you left town, actually,” Tyler said. “And we’ve been pretty inseparable since.”
“Geez,” I said. “I did not see that one coming. But it explains why you’re more pleasant to be around though.”
“Thanks,” Tyler said sarcastically.
“You and Maddie, huh?” I said trying to get used to the idea. “I would never have thought.”
“Sometimes these things take you by surprise,” Tyler said. “I certainly felt that way.”
“So is this serious?” I asked.
“I think so,” Tyler nodded. “I mean it’s only been a few months but I really, really care about Maddie. I might even be falling in love with her.”
“Whoa.”
“It’s too soon, isn’t it?”
“Not really,” I said. “I knew I loved Lizzie a couple of hours after meeting her.”
“You were like twelve,” Tyler pointed out.
I shrugged. “I was but that doesn’t mean I was any less capable of feeling what I felt. And I still maintain it was love. I knew it then and I know it now. You’re sure Maddie hasn’t mentioned anything about the guy she’s dating?”
Tyler sighed uncomfortably. “I heard her talking to Lizzie one night and some mention was made of a cute doctor.”
“He’s a doctor?” I groaned.
“As far as I could tell …”
“That’s just great,” I said. “No competition there.”
“I wasn’t aware you were in the competition at all,” Tyler said pointedly.
“I … well … you’re right, I’m not,” I said pedaling backwards fast. “I guess … whether Lizzie and I are together or not is immaterial. I still get a little jealous sometimes.”
“I get it,” Tyler said with understanding. “It must have been hard getting back into things with her only to leave again.”
“Yeah,” I nodded.
Our conversation had to come to a close as Tyler pulled into the driveway. The moment I opened the door I was hit by the smell of roast chicken and spices. “I hope mom hasn't gone crazy with the cooking,” I said as I helped Tyler with the bags.
“She wanted to have a special lunch to celebrate your retirement from the Navy,” Tyler said. “She was beyond thrilled when you gave us the news.”
“I can imagine,” I nodded as we moved into the house.
We set the bags down by the stairs and I moved into the kitchen. “Hi, mom,” I said brightly and she screamed with delight as she ran at me full throttle. She was looking much better since I last saw her. She had gained a little weight and there was some brightness in her eyes now.
“Oh, darling,” she said hugging me hard. “I’m so glad you’re back. I’m so glad you’re out. I don’t have to worry as much anymore.”
&nb
sp; I laughed. “How about you don’t worry at all anymore,” I suggested.
“When you’re a parent, you never stopped worrying,” she said. “It’s just different levels of the same thing. Come and sit down; you must be starving.”
“I’m all right,” I said just as I saw Maddie standing off to the fridge. She was smiling at me but there was stiffness about her that I recognized immediately.
“Maddie!” I said. “I just heard about you and Tyler.”
“Surprised?” she asked coming forward.
“Very,” I nodded.
She gave me a hug but I noticed how rigid her body was and how the smile on her face didn’t seem to reach her eyes. I looked at her a little closer and I noticed how pointedly she looked away from me as though she wanted to avoid eye contact altogether.
“How’s Lizzie?” I asked because I thought it would have been weird not to mention her at all. Plus I was dying of curiosity.
“She’s … fine,” Maddie said after a small pause. “Really good, actually.”
“That’s good to hear,” I said. “Tyler tells me she’s dating someone.”
I noticed the look that Maddie shot Tyler just before she smiled. “Yes … she’s been seeing someone. It’s new though, and she wants to keep it as private as possible.”
I nodded, ready to fire another question at her but she seemed to sense that and she changed the subject quickly. I sat there through the entire meal trying to figure out subtle ways of bringing the conversation back around to Lizzie. Once we had finished eating, I followed Maddie outside while Tyler and mom put everything away.
“How are you, Maddie?” I asked on a more personal note.
“I’m great, Dylan,” she said. “Tyler and I are happy.”
“I can see that,” I nodded.
I desperately wanted to ask her about Lizzie but her sudden coldness was throwing me off. I realized that it was obvious. I had left Lizzie again, in almost the same manner I had done the last time. Obviously Maddie was angry on behalf of her friend. Obviously she thought that Lizzie was better off without me and she was worried about what effect my presence in town would have on Lizzie.