Return to Abundance

by Shanna Swenson

  All at once, she was furious with herself. Furious because she’d always considered herself logical and intelligent, not brainwashed and stricken like every other female who’d just had to have a man in order to live, and furious because in Natalie’s time of need, she was too busy being jealous of her.

  Suddenly, as Jack let her go, Nathan grabbed Natalie and hugged her to him, apologizing in her ear. He held her for several moments before they pulled apart. Natalie’s eyes lifted and fell on Jordan. Jordan felt another queer jolt of jealousy, but Natalie was, of course, oblivious to all this, and her face broke out into a huge smile.

  “Jordan,” she said Jordan’s name calmly, in a sigh, as if Jordan were the answer to a miracle. Jordan immediately ran to her friend then and embraced her, Natalie turning her round belly to the side.

  “Oh, Nat. I’m so sorry…” She looked into her friend’s tear stricken eyes.

  “Thank you, but you’re here now, and you’re company,” Nat said and wiped at her eyes. “I shouldn’t be acting like this around you.”

  Jordan scoffed, “Natalie, don’t be ridiculous! He was your horse, your pet, and you have every right to mourn his death.”

  “I know, but he was getting old. So, I guess, deep down I knew this was coming. He had a good, robust life at least.” Natalie shook her head and then straightened and smiled. “I have so much to show you! It’s been too long since you came to see me.” With that, she pulled Jordan back into a hug. Jordan looked up from her friend’s shoulder to Jack and Nathan. She cocked an eyebrow at them in confusion. Jack just shrugged. Apparently, her sporadic emotions were a mystery to him as well.

  Jordan just smiled back at her as Natalie pulled back and looped her arm through Jordan’s. Natalie tossed her hair back and sternly looked at her husband then.

  “Now, Jack darling, make Dallie put her hat back on if she stays outside much longer. I don’t want her getting too many UVB rays… And drink plenty of water, young lady,” she said, pointing to Dallie then looking back at Jack.

  “Yes, my love,” Jack responded at the same time Dallie said, “Oh, Mom!”

  Natalie then turned back to Jordan who was slightly amused by her friend’s ever-changing moods. So, this must be what it was like to be pregnant?

  The minute they reached the house and entered the doorway, a black and white border collie barked and waged his tail happily at them.

  “What’s Dash doing inside?” Jordan asked, surprised. Usually anywhere that Dallie was, Dash followed diligently.

  “Oh, he got bit by a rattlesnake two days ago, so I’m keeping him in until he’s healed and finished with his antibiotics… Is it hot in here to you? Jeez.” Natalie headed for the thermostat and cranked it down. Jordan didn’t bother telling Natalie that she was somewhat chilled already.

  Instead she said, “A rattlesnake?” She curiously looked at Dash’s bandaged left paw as she sat down on the big sofa in the living room.

  Natalie joined Jordan in the living room, fanning herself with a Woman’s Day magazine as Dash followed behind her.

  “Yeah,” Nat replied as she sat on the loveseat opposite Jordan. Dash jumped up to rest beside her. “It was the craziest thing. You know how sometimes you have this feeling that something bad will happen like right before it does?” She didn’t wait for Jordan to respond before she continued, “Well, that morning, I just had the strangest feeling during breakfast and lunch too… Apparently, Jack and Dallie were walking back from the barn late that afternoon. Dallie was playing tag with him when Dash ran right ahead of her, almost knocking her over, and started growling at the ground. Jack said that before he even knew what was happening, Dash whimpered and starting attacking. He said it took him a few minutes to realize that it was a snake…” She shook her head, every bit a worried mother. “Anyway, so Dash killed it, but Jack had to carry him up to the house. I heard the ruckus and met him outside. We almost didn’t make it to the vet.” Again, Nat shook her head, tears in her eyes. “But he saved her life! Good boy, him’s such a good boy,” she said and rubbed Dash’s hard head as his tail wagged and his tongue loped out of his mouth. She looked up at Jordan. “I’m just so glad that he’s so protective of her.”

  “Yeah really,” Jordan replied, grateful for the dog as well.

  “So, how are you? Really, Jor?”

  Dash nuzzled his way to Natalie’s leg and rested his head on her softly as she continued to stroke his coat.

  “I’m okay.”

  Natalie gave her a cross look, as if to say, “Tell me what’s really bothering you.”

  “I mean, what did I expect, Nat? A welcoming party?” Jordan answered.

  “I’m sorry.” Natalie looked down. “I could have warned you. He’s just hopeless, I guess. I don’t know, Jordan. You’re a stronger woman than I am.”

  “It’s honestly not been that bad. I mean, I can tolerate his rude remarks…”

  “Rude remarks? What did he say?” Natalie’s protective instincts were kicking in, and Jordan regretted saying anything. She didn’t want to pit Natalie against her brother.

  “Nothing really, just Nate being himself.”

  “What did he say?” Nat asked, slowly enunciated every word.

  “Really, it’s nothing. I mean, he admitted to me today that he’s trying to push me away! He wants me to leave.”

  “What?” Natalie seemed genuinely surprised by this revelation. “Why?”

  “He says that he’s afraid that I will end up regretting my decision to work for him. I think he doesn’t want it to cause problems between all of us if I end up quitting in the future.”

  “But you won’t, I know you! You’re no quitter. You’re a fighter.”

  “That’s what I told him, but Nat, it’s frightening.” Jordan’s tone became deeper, more serious. “The way he talks about what he did… It’s as if he doesn’t even look at himself as… human.”

  Natalie sighed and looked down, misery etched in her face. “I know! I think he still blames me for all of it. I don’t think we will ever be able to move forward with our lives… At least, not until he can learn to live with it…and forgive me.”

  “Oh, Nat, but you deserve to live your life without this foreshadowing it! You, of all the people that I know, don’t deserve to have this hanging over your head constantly. I know it can’t be good for the baby, either.”

  At the mention of the baby, Natalie’s head shot up and she smiled. “You haven’t seen the nursery yet, have you?”

  Jordan just shook her head, surprised that this had suddenly turned the conversation to a much higher note. She was glad for the change in moods, but this darkness between her and Nate was never going away until someone confronted it. But perhaps, this was too much for even Natalie to talk about.

  “Oh, Jordan you’re going to love it.” Natalie popped up off the couch and grabbed Jordan’s hand, dragging her up the stairs and down the hallway, Dash followed. “You know that designer Harrison Banks? The one Jack gave me the card for Christmas year before last? He did it.” She dramatically opened the door to the nursery, and Jordan gasped as she took it in.

  It had to be the most beautiful nursery she’d ever seen. It was a large room, filled with light oak furniture. The walls were painted a light yellow, the ceiling was blue with hand-painted white clouds centering a large chandelier. One wall had a hand-painted mural of nursery rhymes with a dairy cow leaping over a crescent moon, mice running up a grandfather clock, and Humpty-Dumpty among many other characters Jordan couldn’t remember the names of. A baby bed covered in a soft quilt with blues, yellows, greens and pinks sat on one wall next to a large blue rocking chair with an ottoman and a changing table sat on another. One corner of a wall was a book shelf filled with various books and there was a large oak toy chest filled with stuffed animals and toys of all kinds.

  “Oh Natalie, this is amazing!” she said, looking over at Natalie who smiled at her.

  “I know. I can’t wait to bring her home.” Natalie looke
d down at her growing belly and smiled then gasped. “Jordan, here, feel.” She grabbed Jordan’s hand, bringing it to her right side, and pressed Jordan’s hand to her there. “Do you feel it?”

  Jordan didn’t know what she felt, but something was poking her through Natalie’s skin. It was small and almost sharp as it moved beneath her palm.

  “Oh, wow!” She looked up into Natalie’s glowing face. “That’s incredible.” This was the first time since Natalie’s pregnancy that she’d been able to feel the baby move. Each time they’d tried this before, the baby had stopped moving once Jordan’s hands touched Natalie’s belly. “What do you think she’s doing?” Jordan asked as the movement seemed to go opposite of what she’d just felt.

  “Eww, I dunno, but it kinda felt like a triple axel to me…” Natalie winced as the movement continued. Jordan laughed and Natalie joined her as the pain seemed to subside.

  Jordan hung out with Natalie for the rest of the day. They packed a picnic lunch for Dallie and the guys before going into town to have their own. They ended up at the little bistro where Jordan had enlightened Natalie on Jack’s financial status, for which, she found out later, caused a major upheaval between the two of them as she’d expected it would. Natalie just shrugged it off, and Jordan just had to ask Natalie about Jack’s supposed Greek god body. Natalie told her that she’d just have to find out on her own. With that, they both ended up laughing until their bellies hurt.

  They were just finishing the tiramisu they’d decided to split when Jordan got serious.

  “Honestly Nat, what’s it like being married to a man who’s practically perfect both physically and emotionally…and more than likely sexually too?”

  Natalie smiled shyly and looked thoughtful for a moment before she spoke. “It’s amazing to be completely in tune with him, to know that he adores me as much as I adore him, to know that I’ve found the man who lives each day to make me happy is…well, it’s quite humbling. There are many days when I feel like I don’t deserve him because he’s just too perfect. Sometimes, I’m so completely blown away by him that I literally stop and praise God for sending him to me. I honestly don’t know where Dallie and I would be right now if Jack hadn’t come into our lives. I feel like I was in exactly the right place at exactly the right time… It was just meant to be.” Natalie’s voice had grown so wistful, so prophetic that it made Jordan shiver; her throat grew tight with emotion. Natalie eyes had misted over. It was just too poignant and Jordan had to break the moment.

  “So… that means he’s a ten, right?” Jordan asked suddenly, referring to the conversation they’d had over a year ago regarding Jack’s sexual abilities.

  At that, Natalie burst into laughter and before they knew it, they were both laughing so hard that once again, they were in stitches.

  “Oh my goodness, Jordan,” Natalie stated, trying to caught her breath. “You haven’t changed one bit.” She lightly touched her best friend’s arm.

  Jordan sighed, exhausted from laughter. “I know…bummer, huh?”

  “No!” Natalie gave her a serious look. “It’s wonderful. It’s so nice to have someone around that makes me laugh like that again.” Jordan could tell that she immediately regretting saying that as soon as she did. They both knew she was talking about Nathan. Natalie sighed again and had that far-away look in her eyes. “I would give anything if Nathan could find what Jack and I have.”

  They went shopping after lunch for the baby and for Natalie, finding lots and spending much then they headed to the grocery store to buy food for dinner. Once they got back to the house, Natalie tried on her new outfits and the new gown she’d bought for after the baby was born, and they laughed some more. They headed back into the kitchen later and started putting together a salad. Natalie wrapped some potatoes in foil as Jordan preheated the oven and chopped tomatoes from their garden.

  Jordan sighed in contentment. Today had been fun, and she’d enjoyed her well- deserved time with her best friend. All was right with the world, that was, until the door opened and Dallie, Jack and Nathan joined them.

  At first, nothing seemed amiss. Dallie ran to Natalie, and Natalie fussed over her newest skills in horse training. Jack kissed Natalie and everyone was amicable and laughing; All but one. The one who sat down on the barstool, and appeared to be indifferent to the wonderful family before him. The tension between Nate and his sister was so thick it was almost tangible. Nate spoke to Dallie and Jack, but almost never directly to his sister. Natalie, in return, seemed to be unaware of him, or perhaps, unaware of his distance with her. It was frustrating for Jordan, who couldn’t understand Nathan’s inability to cope with what life had dealt him. Why couldn’t he just forgive his sister and embrace the love she offered?

  Jack rubbed Natalie’s belly for the hundredth time as he opened the fridge and tossed Nate a bottle of beer, grabbing one for himself and offering one to Jordan who took it. He and Nate headed out the French doors to start the grill. Once the guys were gone, the atmosphere seemed clearer, less foggy. Dallie sat down at her miniature desk and began doodling pictures for her Uncle Nate. Jordan sighed, looking over at Dallie then at Natalie, noticing her friend’s sad expression. Natalie looked up suddenly and gave her a weak smile.

  “How do you stand it, Nat?”

  “Stand what?” Natalie feigned ignorance.

  “Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about,” Jordan scoffed and turned to her friend. Natalie shook her head, her eyes darted to Dallie. Jordan dropped her voice to a whisper. “Natalie, why?”

  “He won’t talk to me about it, Jordan. I’ve tried! Believe me, I’ve tried to break his shell. He won’t budge! I think he hates me.” She sounded so torn that Jordan pulled her to her for a hug.

  In that moment, Jordan swore to herself once again that she would do whatever it took to bring Nathan back to life, if only for her best friend’s sake; she would do whatever it took.

  Jordan woke the next morning feeling groggy. She hadn’t slept well last night, tossing and turning, unable to let her mind rest. She had thoroughly enjoyed spending time with the Kinsens. Natalie, of course, was always a gracious host, and Jack, with his welcoming and charming nature. Dallie had been good company too, making Jordan a hand painted picture and a macaroni necklace before she’d left. They had played a game of cards, appropriately named “Shit on your neighbor” after a delicious steak dinner. All in all, Jordan had a great time with them. The problem was that in the midst of the feast and festivities, a dark cloud hung over their heads like a building storm on a summer day. That dark cloud was Nathan, or better yet, Nathan’s misery. As always, he was the only one who didn’t seem pleased with the meal or the card game. It wasn’t that he’d said anything negative, it wasn’t that he’d complained. He was just simply lifeless. His eyes, his demeanor. Dead. Unresponsive. Haunted.

  It was unnerving. It was relentless. He had become a constant, lingering thought in her head that wouldn’t let her go... Or let her sleep. She’d vowed to herself that she would do whatever it took to get him back, and she’d meant it.

  Nathan wanted to show her how unsafe he was. Well, she wanted him to come back to life. The Nathan he’d once been. For Natalie. For Dallie. For Jack. For his parents. And well…even for herself. When he’d come home from the rodeo circuit after being maimed by a bull November before last, the circle had seemed complete. She had gotten so used to him being around and his funny nature. She and Nathan hadn’t been as close back in high school as she and Natalie had been, but he’d hung around with all of them on occasion. He’d been fun; a cut up, a prankster… Everyone liked him.

  He’d chosen bull-riding after Natalie had left for Chicago over a decade ago and there he’d gotten the reputation as a “bad ass” and a womanizer, but Nathan was not a bad person, despite what he thought of himself, and she was damned and determined to show him that. She just really didn’t know where to start…

  Chapter 6

  Nathan had been prepared really
for anything at this point, but dammit, this was just going too far.

  He slowly shook his head as he watched her; clad in nothing but a bright red bikini top, daisy duke shorts, and soap suds, Jordan leaned over the hood of her white sedan, going on her tip toes to reach her windshield. She was “washing her car”, but for all intents and purposes, she was doing her best to drive Nathan out of his mind. His body screamed silently in agony as his eyes trailed down her lean back, her bottom lifted at just the right angle.

  “It’s official! She trying to kill me…” Nathan murmured as much to himself as to Mitch, who stood beside him.

  “Whoa,” Mitch mumbled back, a sly smile touching his lips.

  “She’s definitely trying to tell me something.” He nodded, agreeing with his own statement.

  Mitch turned to look at him, an expression of amazement on his face. “Ya think?” Nate looked over at him then, resigned. “She’s tryin’ to tell you to bone her, boss.” Mitch’s eyes went back to Jordan. “Correction—she’s practically beggin’ you to.”

  Nate turned his gaze back to Jordan, who’d turned to wave at them, soapy water dripped down between her full breasts, her slender belly and into her navel. He felt his hard-on go from semi to full-throttle and winced to himself. He shook his head and replied with a, “Nope.”

  “Huh?” Mitch asked, again the look on his face was incredulous. “Boss?”

  “She’s trying to get under my skin…”

  “If you really think that then you’ve obviously not been payin’ attention. I mean, what in the hell are you waitin’ for anyhow?”

  Nate gave a half-laugh, make that a snort. What am I waiting for, indeed? He had no clue. But honestly, what was she thinking? That acting this way would soften him? It only irritated him further. The way he and Mitch both were looking at her… It was downright wrong, just wrong!