Return to Abundance

by Shanna Swenson

  He could hear her humming in the kitchen as he opened the bedroom door, and suddenly, his stomach lurched. He felt embarrassed and ashamed, his heart beat quickening as he hastily walked her way. He came in slowly behind her and watched her unloading the dishwasher, an iPod tucked into her shorts and headphones in her ears. Her thick hair was haphazardly thrown into a bun, and she’d dressed in jeans and a V-neck shirt. She’d never looked more beautiful to him.

  She hummed louder and looked up from putting a pan in the cabinet, catching his eyes on her. She blushed, embarrassed at being caught, and pulled the wires from her ears.

  “Sleeping beauty has finally awoken.” Jordan laughed and walked up to him, kissing him gently on the cheek.

  She amazed him; her demeanor, her easiness with the nightmares and now, with his sudden water work fest. It was as if none of this had damaged her. Nothing was any different from the day before or before that or before that. She was her happy go lucky self. And he loved it! She knew just what to say and when to say it…and when not to.

  His head lowered from his embarrassment, he could feel his cheeks burn like fire was scorching them.

  “Jordan, I’m so—”

  “Coffee?” she asked and chucked his chin as she turned to retrieve a mug. He swallowed and just stood there, nodding. When she turned after pouring him a hearty portion from the carafe, she sighed as she handed it to him. “There will be NO apologies for last night. I won’t hear of it! Deal?”

  Hesitantly he replied, “Deal.”

  “Now, our guest will be here any moment, and there will be no sad faces.” She pulled him into a hug and kissed the sliver of his collarbone that wasn’t covered by the t-shirt. “I told the guys they were on their own this morning because you and I are meeting with someone.”

  “Who?” Nate asked as he sipped at his coffee.

  Just then the doorbell rang.

  “Oh, and here he is now.” She smiled surreptitiously at him and hurried to the door. Nathan followed with gentle strides. What was she up to?

  “Father Mulcahey! Thank you so much for coming!” Jordan stated, opening the door and her arms to the man of the cloth standing there at his door.

  Father? They were having a meeting with a priest!

  Chapter 9

  Nathan couldn’t hide his surprise as he shook the old man’s hand. The priest stood before him wearing a classic Roman cassock and clerical collar the same color as his bone white hair. His frail, soft hand was warm in Nathan’s as he held the greeting for a moment, his other hand topping Nate’s. His smile was genuine, his eyes clear and nonjudgmental.

  “Son, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Father John Mulcahey. I have heard much about you from your friend and employee, Miss Tate.”

  But I have heard nothing of you, Father. Nate was polite and welcomed the man into his home.

  “Can I get you some coffee or tea, Father?” Jordan asked as they walked into the den.

  “Coffee would be lovely. Thank you dear. Just cream, please?”

  Jordan winked at Nathan and proceeded back to the kitchen. Nathan showed the priest into the living room and motioned for him to sit on the couch. The priest obliged and they both sat; Nathan with his mug of coffee hugged in his hands. “Nathan, I’m sure you are surprised to see me here.”

  Nate smiled. “As a matter of fact, Father, I am surprised- to say the least.”

  “Indeed,” Father Mulcahey chuckled. “Well, the truth is that I got an urgent call this morning from Miss Tate. The church has been a patron of her bank for some years now, and her and I go way back. She asked me to come at my earliest convenience. She feels that you are in desperate need of guidance, my son.”

  Nathan’s head dropped, and his cheeks flared in embarrassment once again. Just about that time, Jordan came in and handed the priest his coffee. She sat and put a comforting hand on Nathan’s forearm.

  “Nate, I didn’t call the priest here to embarrass you or to make you feel pressured to talk in any way. I simply wanted you to hear what he had to say.”

  “No,” Nate said, smiling and patted the hand that rested on his arm. “I’m glad you called him.” He smiled over at the priest. “I’m just a bit confused, Father. You see, I’m not Catholic and well, Jordan isn’t either.”

  With that, both Jordan and Father Mulcahey smiled as if there was some private joke between them.

  “And no offense, but when I first saw that you were a father…a priest, I mean, my first thought was, ‘Uh oh. Do I need an exorcism?’”

  Father Mulcahey laughed. “You’re right. He is quite comical,” he said to Jordan. “Nathan, I’m actually well aware of the fact that both you and Jordan are of the Baptist faith. You see, I am a specialist. I specialize in both demonology and spiritual healing. And I’m sure I know what you are thinking… No, I’m not here to exorcise you from demonic possession.” They all chuckled at that. “You see Nate, we all have our own quote unquote demons. Demons can be both theological and psychological. Demon is defined as something that causes a person unhappiness, a source or agent of evil, harm, distress, or ruin. What I do is cleanse the soul from whatever demon they suffer from.” Nathan just looked at him sadly. “Jordan has told me that you feel as though you are doomed by your past sins.” Nathan nodded at that. “And I assume that by ‘doomed’ you mean…”

  “Hell fire,” Nate retorted, fearfully.

  “Yes, well, as a catholic priest, I have read the bible front to back many times and from my reading, I have surmised that there is only one unforgivable sin, and do you know what that is?” The priest asked. Nathan shook his head. “Blasphemy. Sin against the Holy Spirit.” Father Mulcahey confirmed, then shifted in his seat. “Now Nathan, I know based on the media coverage about what happened, but I personally would like to hear your own version of the events that led up to your former brother-in-law’s demise.”

  Nathan sighed and slowly began telling him about that infamous day, shortly after Christmas, when he had been sitting in the bar, saw the news break on the prison escape and called Natalie. How he’d blindly raced home, praying he got to her before Troy did. He had known Troy would kill his sister. Troy had been an evil man. Nate remembered feeling so completely helpless as he watched Jack come toward him with Natalie, unconscious in his arms. She’d been literally soaked in blood and ghostly pale, and in that moment, Nate thought he’d arrived too late. Rage had blinded him. All he could think about was how much Troy had to die. He was unfit to live after all that he had done, and he needed to be terminated immediately. So, Nate’s rifle, which had been poised and ready, found its target as Troy ran at them with a large knife and without hesitation, Nathan had pulled the trigger and killed him without another thought.

  All the time Nathan was retelling his account, he couldn’t help but realize that this rage inside him had never truly left him. Destroying that barbarian hadn’t quenched it as it should have. Troy’s attempt to kill Natalie had brought it to life, and it had lingered on and on until it now consumed him. Nathan also realized that because he’d taken a life, he felt now that he too was as unfit to live as Troy had been. True irony. He thought.

  When he finished his audible reverie, tears streamed down his face.

  “I guess I knew the minute I got into my truck and headed home that I was probably going to have to kill him and yet that didn’t stop me. I knew without a doubt that Troy came back to kill Natalie and seeing my sister like that… dying in her husband’s arms, well… it did something to me. It’s as if a part of me died in that moment too. And I know that I had a choice! I could have shot him in the leg or arm. I mean, it was a rifle, if I’d have shot him in one of his limbs he might have lived at least. Who was I to decide that he had to die?”

  Nate finally looked up into the caring eyes of his audience. Jordan had tears rolling down her cheeks as well and was wiping them away with the back of her hand. The priest just smiled sympathetically at him.

  “I know that wasn’t easy for
you to relive, Nathan, but I feel that was a bit cleansing for you as well. As odd as that sounds, it’s much better to express your feelings than to keep them inside to fester and rot.” Nathan nodded, agreeing with Father Mulcahey. “I know you feel that you committed this sin and will be punished for it.” Again, Nate nodded. “But I must say, son, our punishment is most often here on this earth, not in the afterlife as some would have us think, and I believe you have already been punished for it…and you’re continually punishing yourself, my son, as you probably already know.” Both Jordan and Nate agreed with that. “I think it’s time to end your suffering. Our sins aren’t something we can take back, unfortunately. We must simply learn from our mistakes and make better choices the next go round; pray for pardon and move on. Murder is a sin, just as swearing is a sin. In the eyes of God, no sin is greater than another… Nathan, you have to want this for yourself. No one can change you, but you.” Nathan nodded again. “I do not believe that you are an evil man as your former brother-in-law was. We all know the horrible atrocities that he committed. You made a choice to protect yourself and your family, and now, you have to live with that choice. You can be forgiven for the sin of murder that you have committed, but you must also forgive yourself, Nathan. I absolve you of this sin, my son. Your God absolves you of this sin; if only you humbly ask to be forgiven for it. You shall be burdened no more of the necessity to hate yourself for what you have done. You did what was necessary. Whether you wanted him to die or not, you stopped him from hurting and possibly killing your family.” Nathan crumpled then into his own hands, sobbing like a baby. His ears had been so eager for so long to hear someone tell him these very words. That he’d done what he had to do, that he could be forgiven and he wasn’t going to burn for his sins.

  Before Father Mulcahey left, he wanted to see the spot of the murder. Nathan walked him into the foyer. Father Mulcahey asked him how hard it was to see that spot every single day, to remember the horror that it held.

  “It’s agony,” Nathan replied. “It’s a daily reminder of my sin and the consequences of my actions.”

  “We all need to be reminded of the consequences of our actions, but this is like an open gaping wound for you, so I’m going to disinfect it and bandage it for you.” With that, the priest began sprinkling holy water around the foyer, the base of the stairs, the curio cabinet where Natalie’s baby had been crushed in her womb… He also blessed the area, which he said would release the ties bound to Nathan and promote healing. He then anointed Nate’s head with blessed oil and prayed with him before leaving. The fact that this man was so eager to clean his slate for him, gave Nathan more hope than he’d ever dreamed of having since the murder. He felt a peace settle over him and the house as if someone had opened a darkened window, and the sun could finally shine in through it. Nathan thanked the priest profusely as he left.

  “Know that I am here anytime you need to talk. Stay positive about your healing and read your daily inspirations that I gave you. Each day is a step forward, not back. Healing takes time.”

  Later that day, Nate was feeling terribly guilty for how he had treated his baby sister and after the meeting with the priest, he felt that he needed absolution from her as well. He knew that their relationship was going to need a good bit of work and that it wasn’t going to heal overnight, but he had to start now. He had blamed her for too long for all the wrong that had happened in his life and for once, it was time to start making it right. The priest had told him today that it was never too late to do the right thing and how God didn’t turn his back on those who needed him most, but that people turned from God and then wondered why their lives were so meaningless. So many of the things he’d said had hit home for Nathan and gave him a sense of hope when he’d felt that there was none.

  He drove to Kinsen Ranch and pulled into the driveway, beside his father’s truck and camper, then parked in front of their closed garage and turned his pickup truck off. He sighed. Great! Now I have to do this in front of my folks! He replaced the gray cowboy hat on his head. He ambled up to the door and knocked a couple times then opened the door and stepped inside.

  “Hello,” he called as he slowly walked into the living room. It was quiet in the big, beautiful home and for once, instead of envying it, he began to admire it. The smell, the furniture, the hardwood floors, the paint, the artwork on the walls…this was his sister’s dream home…and she truly was living the all-American dream.

  He had shifted to look at the stone fireplace when he heard heavy footsteps approaching and turned toward them. The eyes that met his were furious pools of green. An angry Jack Kinsen had stopped at the back of the couch several feet from him, his big arms crossed over his broad chest, his eyes squinting and his lips pursed. Nathan actually gulped. He had always thought that if he and Jack tangled, Jack would beat the ever-living hell out of him. He hoped today he wouldn’t have to find out if that were true.

  “What are you doing here?” Jack’s chin raised wrathfully, the look in his eyes deepened. Nathan could say nothing. He felt ashamed for how he’d treated them. This man had come in after Troy had shattered Natalie’s spirit and brought her back to life, adopted her daughter and given them a bright and promising future. He’d rescued Nate’s sister, and Nate hadn’t even come to her aid. Jack was a saint compared to Nate. And what had Nate done? He’d only continued to remind her just how unworthy she was…

  “Your sister isn’t here! She’s out shopping with Corrine and Dallie, but if you’ve come to apologize, save it! You don’t deserve her pardon.” Jack moved around the couch. “I don’t want you to come back here… Do you hear me?” Jack took menacing steps towards Nate. “After last night, I don’t want you anywhere near my wife. Is that clear?” He stepped even closer. “Nathan?”

  Nate just nodded and gulped. He’d blown it. He’d known that he had last night.

  “Natalie is due in a couple weeks. She lost our last child at the hands of a mad man…she will not lose this one. Stay away from her! She doesn’t need you in her life! She’s completely whole without you!” Jack’s large frame was barely a foot from Nate’s then. “All you seem to want to do is hurt her, remind her of the worst times of her life, and I won’t have it any longer. If you can’t forgive her, then stay out of her life…for good. I mean it!” He loomed over Nathan, making him look up into his laser beam like eyes again. “If I ever have to soothe my crying wife all night long because of you, ever again, I will seek you out, and I will beat you within an inch of your life, so help me God, Nathan! Do you understand me?” Nate’s troubled eyes looked down then back up to Jack’s. They were blazing in unquenched fury. Nate could see his reflection mirrored in them and simply nodded, sadly. “Good! Now get the fuck out of my house!”

  After Nate got into his truck and pulled away, he felt more hopeless than he had in his lifetime. He had really and truly gone too far. He had finally succeeded in doing what he’d been trying to do all along and now he was feeling the effects of it. His eyes were filled with unshed angry tears from how horribly he’d really acted this past year. The memories piled up in his head one by one; an onslaught of the anger and hate he’d manifested: all the barroom brawls, the furious punches, the revolting words, the cruel remarks, the way he’d treated Jordan, the way he treated his parents and mostly, the things he’d said to his poor sister just last night. He hated himself even more now. He was hopelessly lost, and the one person who could understand his pain and anguish couldn’t help him now. Instead of alienating himself from Natalie as he had, he should have come to her and eased his burden in the beginning instead of letting this animosity and wrath and fury build inside him for so long that it had finally, completely, and totally consumed him. He was a fool. He had just lost his only sibling to his own foolhardy stubbornness. He had no one to blame but himself.

  “Was I too harsh?” Jack turned to his father-in-law who sat out of sight and in silence at the breakfast nook table as Nathan peeled out of his driveway.

 
“No,” David answered after a few moments. “It had to be said. He can’t keep treating her the way he has. Enough is enough.” David’s eyes were downcast.

  “Dammit!” Jack sat in the chair opposite him and rubbed his face with his hands. “He just makes me so damn angry! It’s just because I’m worried about Natalie and the baby, but I shouldn’t have said what I did.” He brought his hands down on the table in front of him.

  “It’s ok, Jack,” David reassured him. “Nate needs to see that he can’t bully all of us around anymore. Not everyone is going to bend to his will. He’s been trying to push people away for far too long. Now, let’s see how he likes it that he actually succeeded.”

  “Oh, Momma, stop,” Natalie protested. “Nathan is suffering. Why can’t you all see that?”

  “I know, honey, but you don’t deserve his anger.”

  “Maybe I do!”

  Corrine shook her head at her daughter. “Fighting with your brother isn’t the answer to his problems, Natalie.”

  “And ignoring him is?” she inquired.

  They had gone into town to get groceries and a few last-minute things for the baby’s upcoming arrival. They had stopped for lunch at a little deli on the square at Dallie’s request and were browsing the menu when her mother started talking about Nathan’s behavior with her last night. Nat understood that everyone was furious with him and disappointed in him, especially her husband, and she knew most of it was because she’d cried all night. She was pregnant, she was emotional, and everyone was worried about her since she’d lost the last baby. She understood their anger, but she also understood Nate’s anguish. He’d been the one to do what they’d all wished they could have done- kill Troy Cameron- but they weren’t the ones who actually had to live with the aftermath of it and what the grave act had truly done to Nate’s psyche.