Return to Abundance

by Shanna Swenson

  “But—”, he stammered.

  “Just love me, once more. Love me like I’m not frail, like I’m not going to be only half a woman.”

  He murmured her name so softly, scolding her even as his lips fell on her quivering mouth. He kissed her with the passion that she’d missed for too long now. His soft lips sucking at hers as he pulled her into his chest, his hands dropping to her waist as she opened her mouth and his tongue played at hers, caressing it with his own.

  Why hadn’t she said this sooner? She’d been afraid to, just as she was now, and the pain had been a raging storm within her with no letting up. Even now, it brewed angrily within her at her sudden arousal.

  He angled their bodies so that he was on top as he pulled at her clothes. He peeled her sweater off and his mouth found hers again as he struggled with her bra. She helped him as his eager hands went to her pants, pulling at the button. Her shaking hands went to his chest, pulling off his shirt then his pants and within minutes they were naked and he was pressing his erection against her. He touched her so gently but so hungrily, his hands cupping her breasts, tweaking her nipples with his fingers. She began to cry as his sex penetrated her, but she wouldn’t let him pull away.

  “No, Nate. Please?” She begged, the unwanted tears trailing down her cheeks.

  “Jordan, no! I’m not going to hurt you,” he grimaced and tried to pull back even as he groaned at the sudden pleasure of her hips thrusting up to meet his. She held him with her thighs and with her hands, gripping his hips with her nails, pulling him into her warmth, easing the resistance she felt from him with each lunge.

  “Nate, love me, baby… I need you.” And with a frown he began to answer her thrusts, taking over the rhythm and pumping into her slowly until she began to moan in pleasure. His male instincts returned as his hands and mouth fell to her breasts and his body loved her as only he could. His thrusts became deeper and more urgent and her hold on reality began to unravel. She freed her mind and her soul to him as his sex worshipped hers in a rhythm as ancient as time itself. He kissed and sucked and stroked her aching flesh, his hips thrusting into her again and again until Jordan felt her center quicken and they cried out together in the throes of exquisite pleasure. They were both sweating as their bodies slowed their rocking, the spasms of their inflamed sexes subsiding and their breathing returned to normal.

  Jordan lay there, loving the feeling of his hard body on her, his lean muscles taut against her, his forehead on hers. And she began to cry, hard and blabbering as she held him inside her. She pulled him as tight against her as she could with her arms and her thighs and she held him to her as her body betrayed her emotions. She shook them both as her tears consumed her. He returned the embrace, holding her against him and stroking her hair, wiping her tears, kissing her cheeks.

  “Shh, baby, it’s ok. Shh, everything’s going to be ok,” Nate whispered. Finally, he pulled himself from within her and pulled her up and into his lap, rocking her as if she were an infant. She let him hold her for the longest time and soothe her until she finally wiped her tears and pulled herself off his lap. She began dressing herself and looked in at the sleeping infant, making sure they hadn’t woken her in their hurry to copulate. Nate grabbed her wrist. “Jordan…”

  “Nate, I don’t want to talk right now, ok?” She was spent, in every sense of the word. Her eyes echoing this as she looked into his burning blue sapphire spheres.

  “So, that’s it then? I’m just supposed to fuck you and then I get the silent treatment… Is that the way it’s gonna be?” Nate asked. Jordan sighed and looked down. She was trying to protect him, but how could she say that. “Say something, Jordan. Is that all I am to you, just your fuck buddy?” She wanted to scream at him, tell him “No” and to “Stop being ridiculous”, but she understood how her actions tonight might look to him. “Jordan,” he called again and stood, the light from the muted television shining on his beautiful nakedness, on the shiny red skin of the scar on his side. She had to look away to keep from crying again. “Do you love me?” Nathan asked, almost desperately.

  Deafening silence followed.

  “Please look at me.” He took her face in both his hands and forced her face up to his. Her lips trembled, his searching eyes burning into hers. She was willing herself not to cry, not to show him her true emotions again, forcing herself to give nothing away, to pull on that rigid mask that she knew all too well how to wear. He finally pulled away and turned from her, shoving his hand in his hair. He scoffed. “Jesus, I’m a fool…to think that you ever felt anything for me… What a joke!”

  “Nate, I just need some air, ok?” She grabbed up her purse. She had to get away before she broke down again, before she finally and truly lost herself. Truthfully, she knew that she couldn’t love him, not like he needed to be loved, not like he deserved to be loved. He didn’t deserve a woman who couldn’t give him all the things he needed as a man… and the Butler ranch needed an heir.

  With a heavy heart, she walked away and out onto the back porch where her shaking hand lit a cigarette and shoved it to her lips.

  Chapter 15

  “You really know how to show a girl a good time, Mr. Kinsen,” Natalie teased Jack as she sidled up next to him in the truck, leaning over the console and planting her lips on his jaw. He moaned slightly on a breath as his right hand inched up her smooth, slender thigh; a man in sheer Heaven.

  “Lord, little lady… you better be careful,” he warned. His arm went around her as her hands moved between his legs. “Didn’t your Momma warn you about what happens when you tease a man?” Natalie gave a sexy little giggle and suddenly, Jack’s crotch was fully erect. He shook his head in amazement. There, she’d done it again! No other woman had ever caused such an immediate reaction. Not that he, by any means, was complaining.

  “Who said anything about teasing?” Nat retorted firmly. “I was always taught that the proper thing to do is thank a man when he shows you a good time.”

  Jack started to laugh, reminiscing to their first kiss in the Butler barn not that long ago, but his eyebrow went up in surprise at the way she said the word “thank” and she him gave a sultry smile. Her mouth moved his neck then and her hand gripped at his bulging manhood. He moaned aloud and swallowed hard.

  Next thing he knew, he was pulling into an old abandoned gas station and cutting the engine. He grabbed his wife by the hips and pulled her astraddle of him as her arms went around his neck. His mouth fell over hers and he eagerly kissed her plump lips. She moaned as his tongue forcefully teased at hers and his hands cupped her breasts. She grunted and pulled them away, moving them to her bottom instead.

  “Sorry baby, automatic reaction,” he sputtered between breaths. She laughed on a breath and moved her hands to his cock again. “Oh lord, Nat. Please…” He groaned in agony as her hands went to his belt and fly. Within minutes, his restrained sex had been freed and was rock solid in her hands. She tugged on his throbbing member and suddenly, he was panting. It had been too long, far too long.

  Suddenly, she was slipping down his legs and into the driver’s side floor board, pushing the seat back with the lever.

  “Nat, darlin’, what are you—?” He stopped talking as her sultry eyes looked up at him and her head lowered over him. He could feel her breath, hot on his sensitive skin, and almost whimpered in anticipation.

  “Mr. Kinsen, I’m properly thanking you for dinner,” she murmured as her beautiful lips encircled the head of his erection and before he could make his cute remark, he growled out as her hot mouth encased him.

  “Oh baby…” He gasped and his head fell back on the headrest. His hands played in the dark ribbons of her hair as she eagerly loved his hungry sex with her lips and tongue and fist until he was shooting off in a rocket of exploding stars where ecstasy and fantasy met as one. He cried out as his hips writhed and he spilled himself inside that beautiful mouth of hers. Once his shaking body calmed and his breathing returned to normal, he smiled down into her knowing
face. “God, I love you.” He pulled her up and onto his lap then stroking her cheek with his fingertip.

  “You’re just sayin’ that because of what I just did,” Natalie added, winking.

  “No, that was just an incredibly awesome bonus.” He kissed her then, passionately, and his hand slowly fell between her lean thighs. His fingers brushed the lacy hem of her panties.

  “Jack, you can’t—” she protested.

  “Shh… I know, baby. Don’t you worry. I know…” He knew he wasn’t allowed to penetrate her, not until they got the go-ahead from her doctor, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t pleasure his wife. His tongue gently slid into her mouth then as his fingertips softly traced the thin silk that covered her womanhood and she whimpered as her legs opened easily to him. He changed her position then, picking her up and pulling her legs back over his hips again so that she straddled him. His hand moved between their bodies to caress her, his sex pressing into the tender flesh of her bottom. Her hands settled on his shoulders as she returned his zealous kisses, the pressure of his fingers beginning to elicit sexy moans from her throat. He was suddenly fully aroused again and he began thrusting himself against her as her head flew back, her mouth tearing away from his as his name escaped her lips.

  “Oh, Jack,” she murmured and moaned. Her hips dug in and she rocked against his fingers as her body began to respond to his touch in such an erotic way. He moved his hand into the damp silk and touched her bare flesh. She cried out as his index and middle fingers stroked at the wet folds of her skin. She turned her face back to his and he watched her eyes change as he loved her. He then took her mouth again as his caress began a rhythm strong and sure and determined as their pelvises ground together, just close to enough to tease but not close enough to touch. The feel of her soft skin against his exposed member felt so good that he moaned aloud. His other hand gripped her hip, anchoring her to him as she thrust against his hand, his tongue darting at hers the way he wished it could be darting at her sex, but the angle wouldn’t have worked with the bucket seat even though he’d wanted to truly return the favor. He settled for this for now, but wished he could be buried deep inside her silky heat and told her so. “God, my love, how I wish I were inside you right this second.” His words propelled her over the edge as her breathing quickened and her back arched and her body squirmed beneath his hand. He groaned, his open mouth falling onto the soft skin of her neck. Her cry was desperate and guttural as she came apart to his touch and his words. He stopped his thrusts even though he was close to the edge again himself and kissed her gently on lips and held her to him as she slowly came back to earth. She sighed after a time, laying her forehead against his and smiled at him.

  “We need to go free Nate and Jordan of the girls,” Natalie suggested after several moments had passed and his hard-on started to subside despite his unquenched passion for his gorgeous wife.

  “Five more minutes,” he murmured and buried his hand in her hair as he brought her face to his once again. They made out like a couple of teenagers for another few minutes before he pulled back and sighed. “Alright, let’s go to our babies.” He smiled and Nat readjusted her dress and panties and moved back over the console to sit beside him as he readjusted himself as well; buttoning his jeans and starting the truck. Nat took his hand in her own and they were back home in no time.

  Once there, they walked hand in hand into the house. The lights were dim and it was quiet. Nate sat watching TV on mute while the baby slept in the nearby bassinet. Nate gave a weak smile as he looked up at them. Something was off. The rest of the house was dark, and Jordan was nowhere in sight.

  “Nate, you don’t have to keep the television so quiet. We usually don’t even whisper,” Nat said in a half-laugh. “Where’s Jordan?”

  At that, Jordan suddenly appeared from the back porch. Her eyes were red and her hair was in disarray. She approached them then reeking of smoke.

  “Will you give me a ride home, Kinsen?” she asked and kissed Nat on the cheek.

  “Of course.” Jack gave her a hard smile and motioned for her to lead the way. He then turned and looked at Natalie, who looked unhappy. She just nodded gingerly at him. He quickly kissed her lips and turned to follow Jordan to his truck.

  They buckled and Jack started the engine, wondering what on earth was going on between Nate and Jordan. Nat had said that they hadn’t spoken for weeks. He was curious but not curious enough to ask.

  Jordan was the first to break the silence as they headed down the road.

  “I can’t give him what he needs,” she said, not looking at him, almost as if she were talking to herself. “He told me he loves me…and I don’t even have the guts to tell him the truth.” She looked down, fidgeting with her hands. Jack wasn’t sure why she was telling him all this, maybe she just needed to get it out. “I left, having him think that I don’t feel anything, but that’s not the truth. I just can’t have him give up his life to love me… I can’t even give him a child. That’s not fair, for me to do that to him…”

  Jack took in a deep breath, feeling sorry for her.

  She hadn’t even noticed that they’d pulled in the driveway. Jack wasn’t sure why he should give her advice. After all, who was he to tell other people what to do? What she did with her life was none of his business, but the fact that she was his wife’s best friend and she obviously needed someone to vent to, he just piped in his two cents worth.

  “Jordan, have you ever considered the fact that maybe he doesn’t care about that?” he asked. She looked up at him then, red eyes puffy from crying. “Not all men want children, you know? You could at least give him the choice.”

  There, he’d given her some advice, a man’s perspective. She smiled at him then and nodded. Then shrugged. Then sighed. She leaned over then and kissed him softly on the cheek.

  “You’re a good man, Jack Kinsen. Nat’s lucky to have you,” she stated matter-of-factly, pointing her finger at him as she opened the truck door.

  “No, Jor. I’m the lucky one… I can truthfully say that if my wife was unable to have children, it wouldn’t change how much I love her.”

  Jordan’s face transformed then and she dropped her head in sadness. She thanked him and hopped out of the truck.

  Nate had left that night not long after Jack took Jordan home. He’d waited until Jack got back before he headed out himself. Nat had made them coffee, which simply wasn’t what he needed, and waited for him to say something. She hadn’t pushed him for information, but he knew that she was aware that something bad had transpired between him and Jordan, after all, Jordan hadn’t even told him, “good bye”, “kiss my ass”, or nothin’.

  He had gone home and gotten drunk that night- Shit-faced drunk- and passed out. He was heart-broken and angry and he’d felt used. He’d never felt quite like that before. Maybe he was being punished for all the times he’d done the exact same thing in the rodeo circuit when one of the fans had come to his trailer and he’d had his way with her and sent her off. Father Mulcahey had spoken of paying for sins here on earth… Well, that must be what was happening. Nate tried to reason that perhaps Jordan had only come into his life just to help him move on from this dark time, but right now, he was still reeling from the disappointment of her lack of love for him.

  He’d known she wasn’t the settling down type, so why was he so surprised anyway? He had to stop sulking around and just let it be what it was. A good time. A learning experience.

  That was at least what he told himself a couple days later when the sun was high in the sky and the weather was perfectly temperate. He sighed and looked up and smiled as the sun hit his face, he let it warm his mind and soul as he headed to the barn to start his day.

  It was time to move on…

  Jordan cussed out loud. “Son of a bitch,” she said and threw the pen down onto the desk and tried not to cry…again. She’d done a lot of that lately, like just the other night after she’d practically forced Nathan to have sex with her. The shame h
ad taken her by such force that she couldn’t even speak to him about it. How could she have done that to him? Then she had said nothing as he’d made it clear to her that she’d used him. God, what was she turning into? She wasn’t sure as of late.

  Now, she looked down at her own checkbook in the office and shook her head. There was no way she was going to be able to afford the surgery and take eight weeks off too. She owed about $800 upfront and that was a large chunk of her savings right there. She would simply just have to ask her folks for help once the bills started pouring in. She knew they wouldn’t mind, but dammit, she did.

  And she would have to have a sit down with Nate, which she dreaded more than the surgery. He would have to move into the room upstairs for the first couple weeks and she would have to…

  She looked up to see Mason Sullivan at the open door frame and her heart literally pitched in her chest. His eyes snaked over her- up, down and back up. She visibly gulped, wishing her V-neck shirt wasn’t so low cut.

  Where was Nate when she needed him most?

  “Well hello, Ms. Tate. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance again,” he said and approached the desk. Jordan stood, obediently taking his outstretched hand, her eyes desperately searching for Nate out the office windows. She tried to plaster on her best smile and looked up into eyes that burned her clothes right off as his lips touched her knuckles. She tried not to cringe and willed herself to breathe.

  “Mr. Sull—”

  “No, no. Call me Mason.” She quivered at the way he said his name. It almost sounded like a vulgarity. She nodded, not trusting her voice. “I missed you the last time I came. I can’t tell you what a disappointment that was to me.” She felt bile rise in her throat as her heart hammered. His words chilled her, but it was his eyes that frightened her the most.

  Oh, please Nathan, where are you? she cried in her head. She motioned for Mason to take a seat as she tried to calm her shaking hands and attempted to sit, only to freeze. Much to her horror, Mason moved to close the door and approached the desk from the side. Jordan whimpered silently.