Beautifully Damaged

by Gina Sevani

  It was a beautiful night, kind of ironic. Considering how miserable and brokenhearted I was, shouldn't dark clouds be hanging in the sky? Despite all of the comfortable looking chairs that surrounded me, I chose to get on my knees instead. The rock and gravel cut deep into my skin, and I welcomed the pain. I should have told him before we'd slept together but I hadn't been able to take the chance. I'd wanted him, needed him. He was my one true love, my soul mate. I needed a glimpse of how perfect we could be together. My night would have ended up being an entirely different story to tell if I had spoken up before. I couldn't regret that, I refused to regret it.

  "It's four a.m., babe. Are you okay?" He stood against the door frame wiping sleep from his eyes.

  Find your courage Ariel.

  He deserved to know the truth.

  "I should have told you sooner, I should have told you the truth but it would have changed everything."

  His voice sharpened. "Come back inside."

  I spoke in a low voice, the words tumbling out. "Do you remember that time by the pier, how I told you once I told you everything, gave you everything, you would be the one running?"

  "Yeah, baby, I remember."

  "Do you have your shoes on?"

  "Ariel, you're freaking me out." Gravel crunched softly as he started to walk across the pathway to me.

  "STOP, please." But he was already right behind me. I buried my face into my hands and sobbed uncontrollably.

  "You can't ask me not to touch you, when you're this upset. Did I hurt you, did I do something wrong, Ariel? Shit…"

  "No… Today was perfect, magical even. Everything that I didn't even know I wanted. It was the best day that I've had in a very, very long time. You… Damon you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, even if it only lasted a little while."

  "What do you mean a little while, Ariel?" His voice was hoarse.

  "When I say the words out loud, you'll hate me. All of it, everything that you thought you felt for me will be ruined.

  "I told myself a long time ago that I'd suffered enough. I've loved and lost so much in one lifetime. I swore to myself I would never do it again. It hurts too much, that's why no one has ever gotten close. In order to get close they would learn the truth. I never wanted to tell anyone my deep, dark, ugly secrets.

  I released a heavy sigh. "I swore to myself that I would never allow myself to love someone because losing them would kill me. I couldn't go through it again but I had no control with you. Every time you touched me, spoke to me, my control slipped away no matter how hard I tried to hang on to it." Chills ran down my spine, I wrapped the sheet tighter around my trembling body.

  "I'm not going anywhere, baby."

  "You will. The situation may be different, Damon, but the outcome is still the same. I'll lose you."

  I wiped angrily at the tears that had escaped, they pissed me off. I felt the dirt on my hands, but couldn't find a reason to care.

  "I haven't told a soul my story, not once. I've never really said the words out loud. I can't promise you I'll get them all out but you need to know Damon. Please just listen."

  "I'm listening, angel."

  I can't do this, just SAY IT!

  I wasn't sure how much time passed before I got the courage to speak. "The girl you fell in love with, I'm not her. I killed someone when I was sixteen years old."

  His sharp intake of breath overpowered my erratic breathing. It probably could have been heard a mile away. I inhaled and exhaled deeply, seeking the courage to go on. I couldn't look at him; I didn't want to see the condemnation in his eyes.

  "Two… two men actually." My voice shook; my hands and body too. "My sister Sam and I were fighting; the last day of her life had been spent fighting with me over my necklace, a damn piece of jewelry. We were at a local bank in town and my… My parents went in together and made her go too. The fight was over, and we had been laughing about it. I knew Momma hadn't been upset; she was used to the bickering. I would give her a hard time but no one; I mean no one could mess with Sam. I wouldn't allow it." It was hard to breathe, but I pressed on, recounting the story of that awful day…

  "Why do I have to go in? She doesn't!" my sister whined.

  Mom held the car door open and settled her other hand on her hip. She motioned for Sam to hurry up. "Sorry, sweetheart but you two can't be trusted without supervision." She smiled and winked at us. I playfully rolled my eyes while Sam glared at me before climbing out.

  "Love you, boo bear," I teased her. She tried to hold that glare, but cracked a smile.

  I slid over the seatback and turned the key so I could listen to the radio. But nothing good was playing. I changed the channel at least a hundred times. Finally, a song I could stand. I sang along and played with my necklace.

  The song ended and my parents and Sam still weren't back.

  I flopped back in the seat and tried just waiting patiently. But I was getting hungry and I had to pee. Dang it, where were they?

  I groaned, frustrated with the thought of having to go inside. But at least I could use the restroom. Slowly, I walked up the cement pathway and pulled the entrance door. Nothing. I hated when I had to play a game of push or freaking pull. I swear businesses did that just to mess with you. I pushed. Again nothing.

  What the heck?

  I jerked it again. Was it locked?

  Cupping my hands around my face, I peered inside.

  Instantly I wished I hadn't. My whole world came crashing down.

  "Oh, my God!" I whimpered.

  Bodies, puddles of blood, and more bodies were scattered across the lobby floor. Sucking in a deep breath, I frantically sought my family. My parent's hands were outstretched reaching for one another, but their eyes were closed. Their bodies remained still. I glanced over each body quickly looking for my baby sister.

  A sob escaped when I spotted her. She was leaning against the wall holding her bloody abdomen so tight. Her pain-filled eyes met mine through the glass door.

  "RUN," she mouthed. But I couldn't leave her. I just couldn't. I shook my head no and gripped the door handle again.

  "Please, Ariel. Please run," Sam mouthed.

  I had to do something but I couldn't get my body to move or listen to me.

  Two masked men came out from behind the counter carrying large duffle bags. Laughing, they pointed their guns and pulled the trigger on each person lying on the floor once again. Some of them had been alive because they started screaming. But that made the men laugh harder. The glass doors muffled the gunshots — they didn't sound real.

  Then one of them shot my sister again, and she slumped sideways.

  "No! Sam!" I screamed when I saw her eyes glaze over into nothing but a blank stare.

  Both men jerked their heads to look in my direction.

  Run. I had to run. But where to?

  The car keys were heavy in my hand, and I ran back to the parking lot as fast as my legs would move. Each stride seemed to take forever. Every breath burned my lungs.

  It seemed like I wouldn't reach the car no matter how hard I pumped my legs. I was in quicksand. But suddenly I was there, yanking open the door, scrambling behind the wheel. My hands shook as I jammed the key into the ignition.

  I faltered. I couldn't run away. If I did, those horrible men would get away with what they'd done. My eyes strayed to the glove box. Daddy kept a gun in there. And I knew how to use it.

  I just had to get to it. I was going to kill them or die trying. I would avenge my family, I had to. I leaned over and fumbled with the glove box.

  Shit!

  The doors. I quickly pressed the automatic door locks.

  I kept one eye on the corner of the bank, waiting for the men to round it while I located the gun. Maybe they thought I was harmless. They never came for me.

  The gun was heavy and my hand shook uncontrollably. I had six bullets that needed to find their mark.

  I started the engine and put the car in reverse just as the men came around the
building and raced toward this old white Camaro. They were jumping around and cackling like they were on something, not even bothering to check out their surroundings.

  They snatched their masks off and showed their cruel faces.

  I threw the car in drive and pressed the gas pedal as far as it would go. It took so much strength to just make my foot press on the accelerator. The tires spun — their squeals sounded like the screams that had come from inside the bank only louder. I aimed for the passenger side of the Camaro. The man about to climb in never saw me coming. I smashed his body between the cars. Metal hit metal. It was so loud, like an explosion. And I was dazed at first.

  The man I'd hit slumped over the hood of my dad's car. His eyes were just staring blankly, and dark red blood bubbled from his mouth.

  He's either dead or it won't be much longer now.

  Blood poured down my nose from the air bag hitting my face. I felt a sharp pain on the side of my forehead and when I touched it, my hand came away soaked with blood.

  The car door was opened with a jerk and before I realized what was happening, the other man grabbed a fistful of my hair and dragged me roughly out onto the blacktop. All my pain just… stopped. I was numb. When he pulled his hand back, my hair was wrapped around it.

  "You're gonna get it, BITCH," he screamed in my face, spraying me with his spit. He hauled my body up until I was standing right in front of him.

  I stared into the meanest, coldest eyes I'd ever seen. And I knew what I had to do.

  "No you're gonna get it, Bitch!" I said with a growl and raised my dad's gun.

  His eyes went wide…

  I pulled myself from my memory and looked up, met the gentle eyes of the man I loved as he listened to my story. "I pulled the trigger Damon. I pulled the trigger like it was the easiest thing I'd ever done in my entire life." I drew a ragged breath. "I never felt any of the pain from the air bag or him yanking my hair out, but I could feel his blood spray onto my face and all over my clothes. I walked up to the other guy… or what was left of him. He was barely breathing. Gasping or choking on air, I never knew which one. I said, 'You just killed my baby sister.' He gasped out 'please' and tried to say something that might have been 'I'm sorry,' but he never got the chance to finish his sentence. I fired the gun twice."

  I stopped talking and waited for Damon to condemn my actions.

  "Ariel, you don't have to say anything else." More gravel crunched as he covered the last two steps between us.

  "NO! No… I have to." I punched at the ground repeatedly.

  Behind me, Damon cursed.

  "Cops and ambulances came flying up everywhere. They were too late. I remembered looking at the entrance of the bank and back at the bad guys one more time. I heard the cops yelling at me but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I saw my dad's friend Jimmy approaching me. Well, I mostly heard him, because my vision was blurry. It was so loud, so much noise, so much light. All of the others screamed at me like I was the bad guy. I couldn't make out what they were saying. All I could hear was noise and all I could see was this blinding light."

  "You don't have to do this if you're not ready." Damon caressed my shoulder softly, but I jerked away. I had to get everything out in the open and his touch was killing me.

  "I felt wetness all over my face, I thought it was more blood, but it was tears. Until that time I hadn't even cried. All I could think about was hurting them. All I could think about was my family is gone. Gone forever. Everyone I loved was gone. I couldn't live without them, and I didn't want to. I remembered thinking, Damon, that — I had three bullets left."

  Damon touched my arm gently and this time he refused to let me shake him off.

  "Ariel, I'm so sorry." He wrapped his strong arms around me.

  I pressed on; though a chill that had little to do with the night air had invaded my body. "I passed out, and when I woke up at the hospital, I was all alone."

  I rocked back and forth; my knees had gone so numb it actually burned. Every ounce of energy I had was completely drained from my body. The pain from saying the words that had haunted me for years might have even caused me more damage but the thought of losing him because of them — well it broke an already-broken girl.

  I sobbed and thrashed in his arms, I just wanted to run. I needed to get away. He pulled me back tight into his chest.

  "Shhh, baby… it's okay."

  "It'll never be okay. Why aren't you running?" I asked. I needed him to go now, while I was expecting it, ready for it.

  "I told you already, if I ever run, it'll only be toward you." His arms tightened. "I meant what I said."

  I cried even harder, the sobs wrenched from my body. My mind was playing games with me. I hadn't heard that, he hadn't really said those words.

  "Ariel, baby you're breaking my heart," he choked out. "Please stop crying."

  Damon started to stand. So this was it. I already missed him, already felt the tear in my heart. But he bent down low and scooped me up in his arms. His muscles flexed from my dead weight. I didn't even have the strength to wrap my arms around him.

  "I've got you," he whispered against my forehead. "I will always catch you."

  He carried me inside and laid me gently on his bed, and when I thought he was just going to walk away and out the door, never come back; he did. Trembling, I didn't try to stem my tears. But he came back. He was holding a glass of water. I slowly sat up with his help.

  "Drink all of it." I was so thirsty that the glass was drained in seconds. Then he crawled into bed and pulled me against him. He was holding me like he was afraid I would disappear.

  "I love you, Ariel. Every single part of you; your past, present, and whatever our future holds. Nothing will ever change that. I know you're strong, so damn strong. I know you've been through hell, but you're not alone. You will never be alone again. My heart, beats for you. My soul belongs to you. I won't ever leave you, your home is with me, and wherever you are is where I belong. I love you, Ariel Montgomery."

  "I've killed, Damon. I'm a monster just like them. One of them had a child. I took his father's life. I committed one of the most horrible sins a person could ever commit."

  "No… You're nothing like them. Your heart is pure. You could have never done something like that if it wasn't for what they did to your family baby, you protected what was yours. They didn't deserve to live." He pressed a kiss to my forehead. You're not a monster. You're everything I've ever wanted."

  "I never once thought about my actions, the repercussions. I didn't care at all if I didn't walk away. All I could think about was losing my family and killing the bastards who stole them away from me, even if I lost myself in the process. At least I would be with them."

  I felt wetness along my shoulder, and realized Damon was crying… for me. Just a few tear drops before they stopped.

  "Damon, that scene will always haunt me; it will forever be etched into my brain. The pain and sadness that overwhelmed me is indescribable. I had this crazy rush of madness at the same time. They were so cruel, like they had no heart whatsoever. The rage inside of me that day was an emotion I'd never felt before. One I hope and pray I never feel again."

  "I hate that you had to go through any of that. I don't know what to say, I just wish I could take it all away somehow."

  I inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. "I've asked forgiveness over and over again. How can you truly ask forgiveness for something you don't wholeheartedly regret? My only regret was not saving my family and the others."

  "Baby, I don't know, but I swear to you, we'll get through this together. Just stay… stay with me and we'll take one day at a time." He kissed my neck as I slowly faded away. Every ounce of energy I had melted away.

  "I don't deserve your heart," I whispered as my eyes drifted closed.

  "Whether you think you deserve it or not, you own it!"

  I GOT SWEPT UP in a beautiful dream of Damon and his hands wrapped around me from behind. For some reason I could tell it
was the future, his hair was much shorter, and he wore a wedding band on his left hand. His beautiful smile made me answer with an even bigger one. He laughed and circled around my body. Damon got down on one knee, lifted my shirt so he could kiss and whisper across my swollen belly. My skin appeared to be glowing. I got a glimpse of a few other visions like they were my memories playing one by one, so vivid and real. I awoke startled, reaching for my stomach. I landed on Damon's hand where it lay holding my flat abdomen.

  I willed myself to remember everything I possibly could. In part of my dream, I sat by the bay window in Damon's living room while writing down wedding vows, and smiling the entire time. My attention kept breaking as I heard Damon play with Sadie in the pool. Her giggles were adorable, and tempted me to join them.

  Instead, I focused on and read the words written on the page. Who knew that finally opening my heart in such a way and allowing love in again would be the one thing that eventually saved me?

  I never thought it was possible, that I would ever deserve someone like you, Damon. Thank you for always trying to make me smile. Thank you for protecting me and always putting me first. Thank you for helping bring music back into my life the way it should be. Thank you for all the craziness that made me laugh uncontrollably. Most importantly thank you for loving me. I can't promise you I won't have dark days, the ones that I struggle not to get sucked into, and that's okay. It's okay because I found my strength and within it lies true power. I've found my brighter days and no matter where my mind may wander, one look into your beautiful blue eyes will always pull me back. I now have true appreciation for life and everything that's beautiful in it. I'm not empty like I once was before, my heart feels full. In your arms, for the first time since I was sixteen years old, I feel real… complete… safe… happy, but more importantly, I feel home.