by Mia Downing
He held her as she recovered from the pleasure, stroking her hair, murmuring nonsense. She kept her eyes closed tightly as she nuzzled his chest, sighing as she finally lay her cheek against him. It was bliss, having her there, in his arms.
He rose and untied her hands and legs, tossing the homemade spreader bar aside. He rubbed her wrists gently, vowing to massage something soothing into the red marks when he was done.
He hadn’t wanted the questioning to go that way. He had just wanted to find out why blow jobs were a hard limit for her and what had changed. But once the information started to tumble out of her sweet lips, he couldn’t stop himself. Now he was terrified for her.
Somehow, he had to make her rethink ending their relationship Monday. He feared what would happen if she spiraled out of control, because as far as he was concerned, she was one twist shy of plummeting into a black void. He cared too much to let that happen.
He spread her legs, sank home into her sweet pussy, and leaned over, allowing her to absorb his weight. She stared up at him, and he couldn’t name what he saw. Definitely lust, but something else lurked.
“I’m going to make love to you now, as your husband. I’m doing this for my pleasure. My pleasure is that you come with me. But when you come, I want you to remember who gives you the best pain. Me. Only me. Do I give you the best pain?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“Yes, Husband,” she whispered. She’d never sounded more submissive, and it made him tremble just a bit. At the club, he would have just fucked her hard and demanded she not come. How much she’d changed him in just a few days. He had, too.
Jake brushed aside his own torture, his own pain, because he wasn’t done. He had to reach the submissive inside her and scare the shit out of her, because if he didn’t, Tia would leave him and die. He saw the pattern. Chase had been right. Bad, bad idea to bring her here, because before she’d only been twisted. Jake shook his head. Thanks to him, she was royally fucked up.
He wrapped his arms around her, holding her closer, thrusting deeper, wishing like hell she’d just give in. “If you want to feel that level of pain, you come to me. I don’t care if it’s Monday or ten Mondays or a million years from now. I never want to worry about a man hurting you like that again. No rape, no fisting, no blood, no needles, no cutting, no fire, no asphyxia. No edgeplay, period.”
Jake stilled his hips and stared down at her. “Do you understand? You won’t set your own hard limits, so I just did that for you. Nothing that will hurt you physically. If I find out you did that to yourself, I’ll find a way to punish you until you die of old age. I’ll lock you up. I’ll marry you. I’ll make you have my children. Whatever it takes to punish you. Do you understand?”
She looked away. “Jake—”
He grabbed her chin and forced her to meet his gaze. “You. Come. To. Me.” He accentuated each word with a deep thrust, one that hit her clit on the down stroke, just like she liked.
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?” Her pussy spasmed again around his cock, and he knew she was close. Who would have thought him lecturing at her during lovemaking would make her this needy? She’d been in so much pain, and his heart right now ached an eleven on his own scale…for all that she had suffered. She shouldn’t even want sex, never mind be this close to coming, not with her past. Thank God she’d found him. He wanted nothing more than to help her heal.
“Yes, Husband.”
Jake had never felt more lost, more aroused as he whispered, “Come with me.”
****
Jake was still pressed against Tia, his long form heavy between her thighs, across her chest, his arms wrapped tighter than the rope that had held her earlier. She sensed if he could keep her like this forever, he would. The submissive side wanted that. He’d reached her, all right, loud and clear. That part of her would never seek another man to hurt her.
She wasn’t so sure about the tough girl side, though. That side…that side of her was scared just as shitless, because Jake knew way, way too much. He was so close to hitting on what she truly needed from a man. Way, way too close.
“How do you feel? You okay?” Jake whispered against her neck. “I was rough with you.”
Yeah, he was rough—so rough mentally. And that level of pain had been…humiliating. Horrifying. How could he make her go there, make her admit that? But it was also exhilarating, because now she was free from it. She had never shared any of that before, and it was as if he’d released something evil from her soul. Tia had never felt more sated after a scene before. He’d possessed her, dominated her, sang to her masochist side, quelled the submissive. Perfect, he was. So perfect. So close to her darkest fantasy.
“Have you ever had a submissive?” she asked. “As a lifestyle?”
“No. It’s not me. Chase could live like that and did for a bit. I just play Top at the club. You know that, though.” He rolled from her, and she missed his weight. But he arranged her and curled around her back, spooning her close to him. He dropped two kisses to her neck, his breathing even. “I haven’t done a relationship with a woman in a long, long time. I don’t even know where to begin.”
“For someone that doesn’t know where to begin, you seemed to jump right in this weekend.”
“I’m sorry. For all of it. I shouldn’t have brought you here.”
It hurt that he’d regret their time together, a stabbing pain on par with everything she’d felt so far this evening. “Twisted Tia is pretty scary, isn’t she?”
“I don’t scare easily.” He kissed her ear, his fingers lazily stroking a path on her shoulder, then through her hair, his touch soothing. “But I would love to see a Tia that doesn’t need to hurt at that level. I think bringing you here just made that need worse. If you hurt yourself because of me…”
He didn’t deny the fact that she was twisted. That held its own basket of pain, because she didn’t want to be this way. Hadn’t realized she was this fucked up. Maybe he was right to point out how twisted she was, because maybe if she saw the truth, she could learn to love him, too.
She sighed. The softer side of her was always looking for a prince when they all turned out to be frogs. Jake just happened to be one of the finer amphibian specimens.
“I’ll be fine. You don’t need to protect me.” Her mind drifted back to the beginning of their role-play, because that had hurt, too. “Can Kate take you?”
“No. Not if I know. She would try to sneak up on me and try to take me down, though.”
“Did she succeed?”
“A few times, yes. I make mistakes, just like everyone else.”
Yeah, and Tia had made more than a few mistakes. The sick part of her wanted to know more, though. Had to know more, because knowing would probably hurt like hell. “Will you tell me about her?”
He stopped stroking her hair. “I thought Kate was a hard limit?”
“I’m trying to make her a soft one. Besides, we’re married. We didn’t agree to hard limits except being obedient and healthy.”
“And wise.” He rolled to his back and pulled her to his chest, probably so he could look at her, because that’s exactly what he did. “And if I’m wise, I’m not supposed to go there.”
“It’s hard not to go there when you toss her in my face.”
He sighed. “I just wanted to make you run. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”
But he had. “I don’t even know what she looks like except she’s blonde. I’ve only seen her from a distance.” It was such a lie, but she wanted to see what he withheld on his phone. She hadn’t had a chance to snoop there.
He picked up his phone from the nightstand, scrolled through, and gave it to her. Blondie’s wedding picture. Kate smiled at the camera, her features perfect, skin glowing, her blonde hair up with tendrils along the side of her face. Her dress was simple cut, the epitome of the little black dress in white. Chase smiled down at her, so happy, proud. Possessive. “She’s beautiful.”
He shrugged. “She’ll be the first to tell you it’s the government’s fault. She had extensive plastic surgery on Uncle Sam’s dime after her plane crash.” Jake looked at her. “You’re just as pretty.”
“May I?”
He shrugged again.
She scrolled along, looking at his photos. One of Jake laughing as he wiped whipped cream from his face, Chase in the background. One of Kate rappelling down one of the buildings on base, looking terrified. A few of the redhead she’d seen him with in Paris, stunningly beautiful in combat wear, armed to the teeth. Her violet-eyed gaze was sharp and she studied the camera with disdain, as if she were pissed as hell to be photographed.
“Who’s the ginger?”
Jake’s chest rumbled. “Funny you call her that, because that’s my name for her. That’s Charlotte. She’s an agent, too, but she’s…more.”
Tia glanced up, disgusted. She’d never be first with him at this rate. “Another one? You collect women like bottle caps.”
He winced. “She was my collateral damage from a mission gone wrong. I take care of what’s mine. But she’s more like my sister. Chase’s, too. We…share her.”
She shook her head. “You seem to share a lot with Chase.”
“Charlotte’s not a sexual share. I promise. You can ask Chase if you want.”
Tia snorted and continued scrolling. Another of Jake and Chase, Jake with a beer, Chase with a can of cola, sitting by a campfire, Jake making rabbit ears behind Chase’s head. Jake in a tux next to Chase—another wedding photo. Jake made formal wear look damned good.
And finally, the photo Kate had taken of Jake bound and gagged, a sheet covering the important parts, his eyebrows raised as he looked at the camera. Kate had to have taken most of those shots, except the rappelling and the wedding photo. It felt weird, holding a phone she had touched. Loving a man she had controlled.
She scrolled back to the wedding photo of Kate and looked at it with growing sadness. He could make her feel such sweet pain. He understood what she needed. Yet he’d always belong to Kate.
“I know, Tia. I know what you found in my drawer and in my bag. I didn’t lie. She didn’t come here with me. She came with Chase, and he proposed. Okay, I did lie a little, because Charlotte has been here, but she’s an exception to the rule. She’s my pseudo-sister. I would never think of sleeping with her.”
Shame flooded her, but she brushed it aside. “The photos?”
“Those were ones she or Chase had given me. They both like to take a lot of pictures, though Chase doesn’t display any of them. I couldn’t deal after my birthday, and I thought if I brought them here, it would make it easier.”
“The garter?”
“Was in my bag. She had tossed it at me at the restaurant, along with her bouquet, and told me I was doomed to marry next. I didn’t consciously remember it was there until I found it on top of my stuff last night.”
“I was a bad snoop.” That embarrassed her.
He shrugged. “The reason why I’m telling you is so Kate doesn’t bring you more pain than you can take. I think you have enough to deal with, and I think you’re very brave and wonderful.” He kissed her, a slow, gentle kiss that sang to parts of her that should have been sated.
She glanced at Kate’s photo again. “What do you think of, when you think of her?”
“What do you mean? Right now I think about your knife between my legs.”
Tia sighed and set the phone on his hard chest. “You must think of something when you think of her. You love her. What is it?”
Jake put the phone back on the night table and gave her a wary glance. “What do you think of, when you think of me?”
That was easy, because she trusted him a bit more now. She’d give him that glance at the real her, the part that wanted to love him so badly, but was hurt so badly by men in the past. “I’ll always think of your ring on my finger and how it felt to be yours, for a weekend.”
The wariness faded to something very sexy. Soft. “I like that.” He shook his head though. “But why ask about her? Why not ask what I think of you?”
“Because sometimes, I look at you and know you’re thinking of her. I want to know what you’re thinking.”
Jake looked puzzled. “I haven’t thought of her all weekend. Not like that.”
“Evading.”
He rolled his eyes, which was funny in a sad way, because it wasn’t normal for him. “What is this going to solve?”
She took a deep breath and let the fragile part of her speak for a change. “You need to share this, because I feel so alone right now, even though you’re here, holding me. Please help me to understand you.”
“I don’t want you to feel alone.” His brow furrowed as he hugged her a little closer. A silent war seemed to wage behind his blue eyes, usually so alive and carefree. Whatever he felt, it had to be something…big.
Her heart caught on a breath, and she kissed any hope she ever had of triumphing over Kate goodbye. The masochist in her, always seeking pain, whispered, “Please. Just tell me.”
“You want to know what I think of when I think of Kate? Fine. I’ll tell you.” He sighed and closed his eyes. “I remember what it felt like to have her die in my arms.”
“What?” Of all the things she had expected, that definitely wasn’t it. And she found herself wanting to know more, despite the jealousy.
“You heard me. It was our first mission, and she’d taken a bullet meant for me. She’d run so far, had lost so much blood. I got her on the chopper, started an IV, stopped what bleeding I could, and then prayed for the first time in a decade. It was the longest five minutes of my life. Because my buddy was going to lose the best thing that had ever happened to him, and I was going to have to be strong enough to pick up the pieces for both of us.”
Tia swallowed back the lump in her throat. She wanted to tell him to stop, because she had expected him to pick something material, like how Kate looked after opening his Christmas present. Even how she looked after he’d made love to her side by side with Chase. Not this. Never this.
“Then the chopper touched down, and she died. She was just…gone. I felt it first, deep inside, like something inside me had died, too. But then the vitals came up as straight lines on the machines, and she was gone.” He closed his eyes and shuddered.
Her heart went out to him. Watching her die from a bullet meant for him… She touched his cheek, and he leaned into her caress, eyes still squeezed shut. “What did you say to Chase? He must have been horrified.”
He shrugged, struggling for control with a twitch of his jaw. “I never told Chase. I couldn’t. That pain would have killed him. He comes across as strong and invincible, but he’s not. Not about Kate. And it had almost killed me before. I couldn’t do that to him.”
Before? What did he mean? She wanted to ask, but Jake moved on.
“That incident put a lot of things into play. Bad things, and I hadn’t even told him. Chase hated me after that, because he was jealous of how close Kate and I had become and thought we were sleeping together behind his back. But eventually he saw the truth, that we were just second cousins who would fuck each other if he joined us. And the funny thing is, he trusts me now, and it’s the stupidest thing he could ever do.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed, and he opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling. “So to answer your question, when I think of Kate, all I can think of is how she died. And how it was my fault. All of this is my fault,” he whispered.
“But she lived. Jake, you saved her life.” Tia stared at him, thinking, realizing she’d hit on something huge. This was why Jake was Jake, the man whore, the player that haunted the club, living the fast life with adrenaline and bad guys. This was it, and there had to be something more to the whole thing, because he had saved Blondie. He should be thrilled. Ecstatic. He’d never admit to it, but he spent his whole life running from something. Tia knew it—she saw herself in him.
Before… He’d said before. That was the key. �
�Who else died? In your life? Your dad? You never mention him.”
He turned his head to glance at her, shocked. “What?”
She rose on one elbow to look at him better. “Who else in your life has died? Because Kate lived. You should be thrilled. You were a hero. Yet how she died is how you think of her. So why? Who died?”
His brows creased, his jaw worked, and he closed his eyes on the pain she saw flare there, agony so rich, so deep that her own heart echoed it.
“Oh.” His eyes then flew open wide with understanding. A shudder passed through him, shaking her. “Oh, God.”
“Tell me,” she commanded. If he went somewhere that painful, he’d need her to be strong, just has he’d been for her.
“Maria,” he breathed reverently, and his face took on a youthful look, one filled with hope and sadness and pain. Such pain, more than she’d probably ever sought in her life.
“Who is Maria?”
Jake sucked in a deep breath. “She was my first girlfriend. My fiancée.”
“How did she die?”
“Please don’t,” he whispered, his voice graveled. So lost. He gripped her closer, as if afraid. “Don’t make me go there.”
“Did she look like Kate?”
“Maybe a little.” He shrugged, his mind obviously mulling over the question. “More like Kate before she had surgery.”
She understood that association too well. She touched his chest with her palm, spreading her fingers wide, hoping the contact kept him in reality with her. “Were you with her when she died?”
“No.”
“I’m so sorry.” And that was the connection. She pictured him holding a lifeless Kate, subconsciously thinking of his first love, wishing she had lived, too. The image battered her heart like a bad caning, and she shuddered along with him, holding him closer.
He was quiet for a long time, his breathing a little ragged. “I try not to think of Maria.”
“Maybe it’s time to think of her again.”
“Maybe.” He shuddered again. “I just…don’t. It hurts to think of her.”