by Mia Downing
“More than it hurts to think of Kate?”
He nodded and closed his eyes. He rubbed away a glimmer of moisture, and Tia held him closer, hugged him harder. She understood this pain. He’d made her feel a whole truckload of that pain earlier, but she sensed this was way more than her eleven.
“I couldn’t bear the pain anymore. So I left. Went to college. Became a pilot. Got recruited as an agent before I left the service. I hated the service. And here I am. I can go home to Texas now, but it was hard to do that for a long, long time.”
He sounded so sad, broken. She’d give anything to turn back the clock to take that away. “Oh, Jake. You’ve run from her memory all these years.”
“I guess.”
“Maybe it’s time to stop running. For both of us.”
He shrugged, and she held him. The moon changed locations, sweeping the room, and finally, she felt him give a sigh as he gave in to sleep. She continued to hold him, though.
He’d said true stories weren’t pretty. His was ugly, just as ugly as hers, and that he’d wiped a tear from his eye spoke of no greater truth. Maybe his truth was uglier, because he had been a helpless victim. She’d been an active participant. Though she had to admit, he had more strength than she did. He was still a really nice guy, despite having a horrible first taste of love, while she had turned into a twisted bitch.
Tia closed her eyes and focused on his even breathing, the rise and fall of his strong chest. This, unfortunately, changed things. It made it easier to let him in. This made it easier for all of her to love him, because down deep he was maybe just a little twisted, too. God help her, she didn’t want to love him.
And as she drifted off, she realized all she wanted was to love him.
****
The next morning Jake woke at dawn, sliding out of bed carefully so as not to wake Tia. Now he understood how she must have felt after telling him about her past—vulnerable, sad. Less than human. She had been braver than he, though. She’d made love to him under his tree and then suffered through wedding vows. She’d held up under his interrogation like a true spy, so brave until she broke, and he sensed she’d never break like that under a real interrogation.
Jake glanced at her, tranquil and beautiful as she slept. He wasn’t brave, which was why he was sneaking out, so he could be alone. Find his balls again.
He grabbed clothes, pulled them on in the kitchen, and scribbled a hasty note. Gone riding. J. Then he went to the barn, saddled Tonka, and headed out in the morning mist.
He didn’t have a clue where he was going, so he let Tonka have his head, the horse deciding which path. The gelding chose the trail that went out to the lake, and Jake clucked to him, urging him to something faster than a meander. Before he knew it, they were galloping, branches whipping at his face, cobwebs in his mouth.
Then the path got a little rocky, so Jake did the responsible thing and told the gelding to stop. They walked, both of them breathing hard, Jake’s mind on nothing, everything, then he thought of Tia, and all he wanted to do was run again if the gelding was able. But Tonka wasn’t, so he forced his mind to slow down, too.
They reached the lake. Jake checked Tonka—he was cool now, his breathing normal. Jake dismounted, unbridled the horse and tied him to a tree with the halter and lead rope he’d brought. He sank down next to a tree to stare out at the water. The sun had just risen and fish were jumping, eager for mosquito breakfast. Jake swatted at a few and then gave up—the pain was worth the solitude.
A noise of rustling brush sounded behind him and he turned his head. Tia stood twenty feet away on the bank of the lake, Jessa’s reins in her hands, unsure as she stared at him. “I hope it’s okay that I followed you. You didn’t look so good this morning.”
Jake wanted to be pissed. Wanted to yell, scream, something, but felt nothing. “You’re fine.” He assessed Jessa. “You rode bareback?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t haul ass up the hill like you did.” Tia brushed the hair from her eyes, her ponytail askew. She led Jessa next to Tonka, secured her, and returned to sit beside him. “Why don’t you tell me about Maria, Jake? You loved her. Why does it hurt so much?”
Just like a woman to bring up emotions and feelings. He hated them. Would rather be numb. “It’s stupid to revisit the past when I can’t change it.”
“I think it’s more stupid for you to not go there. You’ve run from this memory since you were eighteen. It’s kept you from having any sense of a normal life, which is why, despite the wild ways and adventurous job, you still come home, here, to your asinine rules and horses. She drives you here. So tell me about her.”
Tia was right, and he hated that. Why were the women in his life always right? “Guys don’t do this whole feelings thing well.”
“Then don’t tell me how you feel. Tell me what happened.”
Jake closed his eyes reached for Tia, needing to feel her as he travelled back in time, to the ranch, to a simpler era. “Maria lived on the ranch next door. Her family and my family were good friends, and we spent a lot of time together—picnics, roundups, holidays. I loved picking on her. She was so cute and spunky and would stuff frogs in my shoes. She’d steal my bridle if we rode out and stopped somewhere, so I’d have to figure out a way to get my horse home.
“And then we turned fifteen and suddenly, she went from being a stick figure with frogs to this gorgeous creature with breasts and hips. We first kissed behind the barn and, a few months later, I was looking to my older brothers for advice. She was more than ready to take our relationship to the next level.
“But my brothers rode my ass, and the only advice they’d give was don’t get her pregnant. I had two older brothers ready to pound me if I did, and two younger that would just pound on me for the fun of it. I was scared shitless, but she knew what she wanted and, for my sixteenth birthday, Maria was my gift.” Jake paused, swallowing, remembering that birthday. Kate had given herself on his birthday, too. But it had been different. So different.
“Sixteen was awesome. I had Jessa, I had Maria, I had the ranch and the whole world in front of me. I fell head over heels and knew I was going to marry her. I gave her a ring at seventeen, and she said yes. My parents weren’t too thrilled, but they saw what we had and knew it wasn’t something that would go away with time. I loved her. Hardcore, with every inch of my soul. We were going to get married, I was going to help my family run the ranch, and it was going to be perfect.”
Tia hugged him closer, her arms warm around him. “What happened?”
The pain was a sweet ache, deep in his heart. “She got sick. Leukemia, the worst kind a girl could have. And suddenly she lived in the hospital and she was bald—so beautifully bald—and my bone marrow didn’t match. Nothing I had matched. I was useless to her, to keep her alive.
“And one day, she died. I was heading over to the hospital. We were making plans. The adults said we could get married, because that was what she had wanted. As far as I was concerned, she was already my wife. I had married her when she took my engagement ring. When I got there, she had passed, but they let me see her—hold her.”
He stared at his hands. They’d held Maria. They’d once been bathed in Kate’s blood. But he knew for certain that he now wanted them clean. For Tia. “At least when Kate died, I could do something. I kept her alive. But Maria…I just held her.”
“How old were you when she died?”
“I had just turned eighteen. She was a couple months older.” He felt so far from the boy he’d been at eighteen. Jaded. Hard. Definitely old. “So I helped to buried her and ran as fast as I could to college, because she wanted me to go. But that was all I did as an adult that she would have approved of.” He didn’t even want to think what Maria would think of what he’d done to Tia.
“I don’t know about that. You’re a good man, Jake. But deep down inside, I think you’re still eighteen.”
He looked at her sharply. Her face was stained with tears she’d shed for him, and that touched
him more than he wanted to admit. “Are you saying I need to grow up?”
“I’m saying you hurt more than you realize.” Tia kissed his cheek. “You want me to ride back with you, or do you want some time alone?”
“Will you stay here with me? I just want to sit. I don’t want to talk anymore.”
“I’ll stay as long as you need.”
Jake sat, letting Tia hold him, and wondered what the hell had become of his life. He was crazy. He’d made this beautiful woman indulge in a wedding fantasy that made no sense to him. He’d pushed her, made her say vows, took her to his bed like it was their first time together. It shouldn’t have felt right, given his past. It should have been something so wrong it sent him running for the hills.
But he swallowed hard as he remembered what it felt like to be with Maria, when she had lived. It had been wholesome. Good. Healing. It felt suspiciously like what he had with Tia.
Because…he loved Tia.
Jesus. Knowledge smacked him dead-on in the chest, and his head seemed to spin from the concussion. He loved her, had probably started falling for her at the club, which was why he had been exclusive the moment he’d met her. Except for that one time with Chase and Kate.
But he didn’t love Kate. Only Tia. Kate had been right, as usual. Jake loved what Kate gave his buddy, and maybe he was jealous of how happy she made Chase, and had hoped by loving Kate, he’d get a part of that, too.
But Tia… He’d been drawn to her from the first moment he saw her across the crowded club and had only wanted her more since the moment she knelt in front of him. He’d thought before of asking her on a date after, to see what she’d be like out of bed, but a part of him had pushed it aside. But the thoughts had been there, images of her on his arm, doing things together, laughing together. He’d spent many weekends with her in his private room at the club, her cuddled against him, and more than once, he’d wondered what it would be like to take her home, to his bed.
Maybe he’d been scared, because he loved her, even then. Jake knew down deep he was a foolish romantic. He wanted everyone else to be in love but denied himself the luxury. That’s why he had wanted wedding sex, wanted a fake wedding, felt like something would die when she threatened to become nothing to him on Monday. He loved her. It still made no sense, but if he took his feelings for Kate out of the equation, it at least made him feel less insane.
He loved Sarah Tia Richards Anderson with all of his heart, had started loving her at the club, had finished falling here on his farm. And man, did that fall hurt.
Jake jumped a little next to Tia, as if startled. He’d sat so still for the longest time Tia wondered if he’d fallen asleep, even though his eyes were wide open, staring out at the lake. She grabbed his arm. “Jake? You okay?”
“I think so.” He looked at her, confused. “I’m ready to go back now.”
“Okay.” They rose, and he pulled her close, embracing her for a long moment. After what he’d told her, she welcomed his contact, his strong arms. She’d wanted to do more than sit curled against him, with her hand on his thigh, but she had sensed that was enough, so she’d settled for that.
“I’m so sorry, Jake,” she said against his chest. “I wish things could have been different for you then. I’d go back in time to make it work out for you if I could.”
She looked up, and he gazed at her with wonder. “After the weekend we’ve shared this far, all of the pain and joy, you’d give that up for me? So I could have Maria again?”
“Of course. Isn’t that what friends do?” She’d give him whatever he needed to be happy. She loved him.
She blinked and her shoulders sagged. It was true. Why else would she put up with wedding sex and a stupid possessed house with insane rules? Why else would her heart feel like he’d wrapped it in bondage tape whenever he looked into her eyes and made love to her? Why else would the thought of Monday make the tape around her heart constrict even more?
Love was bad. Way bad. It meant come Monday her heart would suffocate, because there was no way the tape was coming off. He’d bound her too tight. Her heart was now his, like it or not. And she just didn’t see how loving him would work.
He ran a finger down her cheek, tracing a path one of her many tears had taken. “This is going to sound absurd after what I just told you, but I need to make love to you. Here. Now. Unfortunately, a little on the quick side or we’ll be eaten by mosquitoes. Okay?”
She nodded, shyness bursting upward. It didn’t sound absurd to her. It made sense. He’d opened his soul, and he hurt. He needed to absolve that pain. She did it all the time. She’d help him, because she loved him.
He kissed her slowly, his lips firm yet soft, his tongue exploring, tangling, and dancing with hers. A sweet, fierce kiss that made her cling to his shoulders, longing for the contact of his skin, his hands. They undressed each other, her fingers fumbling with his buttons, his more sure with hers. He broke the kiss, spread their clothes on the ground and gently drew her down with him.
He paused to brush the hair from her face, cupping her chin, and she was reminded of the first time he kissed her under his tree. So gentle, as if he had all the time in the world to savor her despite the mosquitoes. He gave her the smallest smile, one that lit his eyes and tugged at her tummy, one that hinted he wasn’t caught up with ghosts of the past. He was right here, making love to her.
Jake kissed her again, this time with more heat, his lips pressing harder, his tongue deeper, more demanding, igniting the flame of lust that always seemed to slow burn for him. His hands caressed her aching, heavy breasts, thumbing her pebbled nipples.
Wetness pooled in her pussy, the need fueled by the throbbing of his length against her inner thigh. He slid his hand over her mound, easing between her outer lips, delving into her tight heat, testing her readiness. He must have been pleased because he growled, a sound so sexy her breath caught in her throat.
Tia inched under him, wanting his cock inside her in the worst way, not because she craved the release of orgasm, but because she needed him, his arms around her, every inch of his skin pressed to hers. She sighed when he settled between her thighs and sank home.
“Yes,” she whispered, arching upward, drawing him deeper into her pussy. He lowered his weight to cover her fully, arms wrapped around her shoulders, his chest hair rough against her sensitive nipples, the friction divine. His breathing matched hers, fast, ragged as he increased the tempo of his hips, thrusting harder, faster. She spread her legs wider, trying to get him deeper, her fingers biting into the firm flesh of his tight ass.
He came in a jet of molten heat inside her, fierce and sweet, just like the moan of satisfaction in her ear. If he hadn’t been in love with Blondie, she would have sworn he loved her, because it felt like what romantic songs heralded—the fusing of souls, the joining of hearts. He held her tightly, his hips still rocking, his pubic bone grinding into her clit, giving her the stimulation she needed to come, too.
“Come for me, Tia. I need you to come for me.” It wasn’t a command but a plea, one that tugged at every string that ever held her heart in place. And as if to be sure, he eased a hand between them and fingered her clit, beckoning to the sweet pleasure that shyly lurked. “Relax, baby, and just let it happen.”
Relax. She sighed and opened her mind tentatively, allowing that shy part of her the freedom to enjoy his touch. He kissed her, sucking her tongue, as if drawing that shy part out further, not allowing her respite. She moaned into his mouth and let the joyous waves of her climax wash over her, the pleasure as sweetly fierce as his lovemaking. He gave a gentle laugh against her lips, and for once, she relished his smugness.
“Thank you,” he whispered, kissing her again, smoothing the damp hair from her face. “I want to be here all day with you, like this, but my ass is going to be red with welts and your backside sore from all these rocks. Let’s go home.”
Home. For today, it was her home, too. They dressed and he leaned over to kiss her lips in between ea
ch piece of clothing, as if he couldn’t keep his hands or mouth from hers. So fitting and sweet—she felt the same way.
But a part of her died a little as they finished up. She loved him. She didn’t know if his revelation changed anything on his side, but of course, that sappy side of her hoped so. That sappy side felt as if she’d offered her heart during that last orgasm. A heart bound in black tape, on a silver platter, his to destroy, or his to keep and to cherish. It still wasn’t true submission, but it was close. So close, and she feared that because once he owned her heart, the submission would come next. And then he’d change.
The sappy, fragile part of her hoped he’d cherish her heart, and everything would work out, the fairy tale ending to Tia’s very dark story.
But the tough girl in Tia cried in agony, because she knew men. Knew men like Jake. It was just a matter of time before he destroyed her.
Chapter Fourteen
They went back to the house, their return ride peaceful. Tia watched Jake in front of her, swaying in time to Tonka’s footfalls. She thought of the rhythm those lean hips had conducted earlier, between her thighs, and she blushed. Which made her frown at the girly girl part of her, because Tia didn’t blush about sex with Jake, and the sweet, girly side was supposed to be locked away. And she wasn’t going to start that now, not with her heart in jeopardy
Since the lake, tough girl Tia had done her best to start rebuilding a wall around her poor, bondage-taped heart. She removed it from the old maze and found what shreds of dignity she had left to build those walls. She made cement with the blood she’d bled on her self-admission of love, using the snapshots she had in her mind of Blondie to cover any holes. It wasn’t a strong fortification, one he could easily break through if she didn’t guard it. But it had to be enough.
Guarding her heart would be a difficult task since her subconscious kept hitting her with zingers, ones that hinted that he loved her, too. Why would he marry her if he didn’t? Only people in love got married. She thought that part of her mind was crazy. It was the house and its stupid rules.