“I know,” Penelope sighed, “it's so difficult to keep the weight down, especially with age. My metabolism has slowed down quite noticeably over the past few years. I find that I have to eat less and work out more, just to maintain my weight.”
“It's not a healthy lifestyle, Pen,” Laura shot her sister a worried look. “Would you consider leaving the fashion industry to pursue acting again? I don't know how you stand being poked and prodded by makeup artists and hairstylists and have creepy photographers taking your pictures.” “Well, that's the downside sometimes,” Penelope conceded, “but it's very well paid.”
“I think you should try to pursue acting.” “Maybe, in a few years, I just want to give modelling one last chance and if it doesn't work out then I'll move on to something else.”
Chapter 15
Shona watched the almost hypnotic rise and fall of the waves as they crashed on the shore. Their rhythm helped to soothe her addled mind. It was an unseasonably bright and sunny November morning. She snuggled deeper into her favourite full-length woolly coat and wrapped her cold fingers tightly around her mug of black coffee for warmth.
She always felt cold when she was nervous or stressed. She could have sat inside the little sea-front cafe, where it was warm and cosy, but she desperately needed the distraction of being outside. Her thoughts and worries had consumed her over the last week. She hadn't been able to eat much or sleep either.
Nothing like heart break to kick-start a weight loss programme, she'd thought ruefully earlier that morning as she'd slipped easily into her skinny jeans. She'd been trying unsuccessfully to lose half a stone for several months and the weight had fallen off her over the last few weeks without her even realising.
Now, it didn’t matter to her that she'd lost a few pounds. She'd have preferred to have been chubby and happy than skinny and as miserable as she felt. She kept telling herself that she was doing the right thing in breaking up with Mark, but doing the right thing didn't necessarily make you happy, at least not in the short term anyway.
She'd practically lived in her local bookshop during the past few weeks, reading endless books about relationships and breakups and how to recover from the heartbreak of breaking up with someone who you still loved dearly, but who wasn't the right person for you.
Shona and Mark had taken "breaks" from each other before, but she had categorically decided that this was it, the absolute end and she felt terrified. She felt lost and alone in the world, which the sensible and logical part of her brain told her was ludicrous because she was blessed to have many people in her life who truly loved her and who she loved in return.
It wasn't the same as having that one special person in your life, that one person who knew everything about you, that special person who you hoped one day would share your life completely.
Shona was an intelligent woman; she realised slowly and reluctantly that she and Mark would never have the future that she dreamed of having with a man. She wanted someone of her own. She was tired of sharing him. She wanted marriage and babies and a family.
She knew that Mark would never give her what she truly wanted. Why would he? He'd already had the baby and the marriage. She had sensed his reluctance for quite a while, but she'd tried to block it out and convince herself otherwise. She'd tried discussing marriage with him occasionally, but he'd protested that he wasn't too keen on getting married again, having already done it once. He'd tried to convince her that marriage was simply a piece of paper or a certificate and that they didn't need to have that piece of paper to prove their love to each other.
However, Shona wanted to get married, she knew in her heart of hearts that that was what she wanted and she didn't want to compromise. Ever since she'd been a little girl, she'd dreamed of her wedding day. Her friends talked about wanting to be nurses and teachers or singers, but all she'd ever wanted was to get married.
Her mother had bought her a princess outfit with a huge dress and long white veil and she wore it continuously. Sometimes, even now, she'd buy wedding magazines and dream about the dress and wedding that she hoped to have one day. She didn't want to reach eighty years of age wondering what might have been.
She loved Mark but she wasn't willing to give up on her dreams of a marriage and babies for him. She wanted a man of her own, without any of Mark's baggage, who wanted the same things from life that she wanted.
What sort of a foundation did she and Mark have for their relationship anyway? It was based on cheating, lies and deceit, which was no basis for a successful relationship. She knew that eventually she'd start wondering if he was cheating on her like he'd cheated on Rebecca.
Even if Mark did leave Rebecca, part of her felt guilty at taking that dream away from another woman. She believed in Karma and she was afraid of what Karma would have in store for her if she ruined another woman's dream.
Shona shuddered slightly as her thoughts began to overcome her. She'd made her decision, her final decision, to end her affair with Mark, for once and for all. It was the most difficult decision that she'd ever made, but she knew that she owed it to herself to break up with him.
The time they spent together was wonderful and she was madly in love with him, there was no doubt about that in her mind, but she knew that their relationship was all on his terms and none of it was on her terms.
She was beginning to realise that it was very unlikely that he would ever leave his wife, and in her heart she didn't know if she actually wanted him to leave Rebecca. She often pondered what sort of a future their relationship could possibly have when it had begun as an affair.
Of course, it wasn't impossible for them to have a successful relationship if he did leave Rebecca, she would try to reason with herself, but she realised that she would always wonder where he was or who he was with when he might be working late or have a business meeting out of town.
Her self-preservation instinct knew that she couldn't live in that sort of a relationship long-term, as much as she loved Mark, she didn't think that it was enough to make their relationship work. She'd hoped and prayed and dreamed for months that he would leave Rebecca.
She'd scoured the internet and magazines and books for stories of love that had endured even as a result of an affair. Prince Charles and Camilla was her classic example. She'd bought every magazine that had featured a story of the royal couple and savoured every photograph of them together. She'd tried to make herself believe that Mark was staying with Rebecca out of a sense of duty, not love, just like Charles had stayed with Diana. She saw herself as Camilla, waiting for her lover to be with her. After all, how long had Camilla waited for Charles? Eventually, they'd been together.
Shona had excused Mark’s behaviour too many times to be able to convince herself anymore that he truly loved her. She finally realised that Mark didn't love her and probably never had loved her. He liked her very much, he enjoyed being with her, but he definitely did not love her. She had a creeping suspicion that she was a pleasant distraction from his marriage and that simply wasn't good enough for her anymore.
She'd read in one of her self-help books that she needed to set higher expectations for herself. The book had opened her eyes to the fact that she'd been searching for love and that she had wrongly convinced herself that she’d found that love in Mark.
Unfortunately, he couldn't offer her what she truly wanted and she needed to stop lowering her expectations to adjust to what he could offer her; that was her “light bulb” moment. When she'd read that sentence she saw everything about herself and her relationship with Mark for what it truly was and she knew that she couldn't live with their situation any longer.
She wanted to be with someone who loved her and her alone. She wanted a man who wanted to be with her as much as she wanted to be with him. She wanted a man who didn't have the baggage of an ex-wife and children. All these things had slowly become clear to her over the past year.
She'd always been so happy go lucky about everything in her life. She'd been happy to
leave her life to chance and circumstance, having been a firm believer in serendipity. However, she had been rather sharply awoken from her easy-going attitude during the course of her relationship with Mark.
She couldn't believe how naive she'd been. She'd thought that loving Mark would be enough for everything to work out well in the end. She'd figured that Mark wasn't in love with his wife anymore and that Rebecca would be glad to know the truth so she could move on with her life. Mark and Shona were destined to be together, in Shona's mind, and there was nothing that either of them could do about it. She cringed when she thought about how insensitive and thoughtless she had been.
She still loved Mark, in spite of everything that she now realised, but she knew that she had to end their relationship. She was done with fooling herself. She was tired of all the heartache and mind games. She'd come down to earth with a bang and had learned some important life lessons. She knew it wouldn't be easy to get over Mark but it simply had to end so that she could move on with the rest of her life.
Shona pulled up her hood and dug around in her pockets for her gloves. The wind was rising and the temperature had dropped a few degrees in the past while. She glanced at her watch, still no sign of Mark. Oh well, she sighed, this is the last time he'll keep me waiting. Punctuality was not one of Mark's strong points.
The waves were getting even higher and she could taste the salty spray on her lips. She beckoned the waiter for another coffee and rummaged in her handbag for a cigarette. She put the cigarette to her lips and fumbled with the lighter for a few minutes before finally being able to light up. She inhaled deeply, waiting for the numbing effect of the nicotine to hit her addled brain.
She was mildly ashamed of herself at having taken up smoking at this stage of her life. She'd had a few rebellious cigarettes as a teenager with her friends, but she'd rarely smoked since. Sometimes she'd have a puff if she was on a night out with her girlfriends but she wouldn't usually even smoke a whole pack in a year.
She was smoking a pack a week recently. Mark was a chain smoker, so she'd bought a pack of his favourite cigarettes, Marlboro Gold, just to remind herself of his smell and somehow they'd helped to steady her nerves a little over the past while. She promised herself that she would quit as soon as she'd told Mark that they were over. All she had to do was get the words out and she could get on with the rest of her life.
Shona saw Mark struggle against the wind as he climbed the few steps to the cafe. She watched him approach, his dark head bent low into his heavy winter coat, his navy college scarf whipping around his broad shoulders. His collar was pulled up, so she couldn't see the expression on his face.
Her heart began to beat faster as he steadily approached her. She contemplated running away, for a brief second. Maybe she still had time to run into the ladies toilets and hide from him, text him that she couldn't make it, call the whole thing off. She took one last deep drag on her cigarette and gulped her coffee. Before she had another moment to think, he was standing in front of her, smiling quizzically down at her.
"Shona, darling, how are you?" he asked, settling himself rather awkwardly in a cold metal fold-away chair directly opposite her.
"I'm ok, thank you, how are you, Mark?" she replied very politely.
"All the better for seeing you, as always," he grinned cheekily at her.
Shona gazed at him, drinking in his handsome face, his dimples, his strong cleft chin. So many times she'd poked her finger in the deep dimples of his face, just to tease him. He'd usually swat her away in mock irritation saying that she reminded him of the old ladies when he was young, who would constantly “ooh” and “aah” about his dimples.
She looked at his big hands; hands which had held hers so many times. They were surprisingly rough for a photographer’s hands but were as a result of his very serious DIY hobby. She looked at the silver scar that ran across his hand and had to restrain from reaching out to touch it. She knew that she would never hold his hands again. She felt like she was dying. She didn't want it to be the end for them. She could feel hot tears welling up in her eyes and she desperately tried to swallow the sobs that were beginning to build.
"Would you like another coffee?" Mark interrupted her reverie, as he got to his feet and made his way inside. She managed to nod.
She took a few deep breaths, grateful for the cold air on her burning cheeks. Her churning stomach was back with a vengeance. All she wanted to do was run away home, jump into the welcoming warmth and safety of her bed and cover her head with the duvet, but she knew that wasn't an option.
Mark soon emerged with two large mugs of steaming hot coffee and two Danish pastries, a favourite of Shona's. They busied themselves with milk and sugar for a few minutes, Shona grateful for the distraction.
"So, what's all this about then, Shona?" Mark asked, as he carefully stirred his coffee. "You left a rather cryptic message on my phone the other day." He looked steadily at her, his piercing blue eyes not leaving her face.
Shona gulped loudly, "Mark, I cannot see you anymore. Our affair is over."
A look of mild amusement swept across his handsome face and she could see the edge of his lips quiver as he tried to restrain a smile.
She began to feel annoyed. "Are you laughing at me?" she asked incredulously, anger building inside her.
"Oh, Shona, darling, you sound like a petulant little girl," he mocked gently. "How many times have we had this same conversation? We can't break up, darling, we can't resist each other. We break up then we make up. I must admit that I quite enjoy our so-called break ups cos the make- up sex is always amazing." He looked at her, his eyes becoming cloudy with desire. “You're cute when you're angry,” he smiled. He reached across the table to touch her hand, but she pulled away from him.
"Well, I'm about to get real adorable! How dare you mock me?!" she hissed at him. "I've waited too long for you to fulfill your empty promises to me. I'm not some toy you can pick up and play with whenever you feel bored. It's over, Mark and if you know what's good for you, you'll stay away from me!"
She jumped up from her seat, almost spilling her full coffee cup, and stormed across the car park. She wrenched open her car door and fumbled with the key in the ignition. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her face was bright red with anger. She was furious. He'd sat there and practically dismissed what she was saying to him, as if she was some ridiculously infantile child who didn't know her own mind. Well, she'd show him! She put the car into gear and sped off down the road, tyres screeching as she drove.
Mark sat in the cafe, slowly sipping his coffee. "Such a child," he muttered under his breath as he watched Shona storm off. He was getting very tired of her immature antics. Surely she knew at this stage that they were good for each other; good fun and great sex. Why did she have to ruin it by demanding more of him? Marriage and children isn't all it's cracked up to be, he thought. There was no need for her to learn that lesson the hard way.
He and Rebecca used to have so much fun and amazing sex before they were married. They couldn't keep their hands off each other. Rebecca used to be so open and fun, always up for a laugh and a good time. He smiled as he remembered their early days together. They couldn't keep their hands off each other for long.
He remembered one particularly hot summer's afternoon, when Rebecca had invited him for a picnic. They'd driven to an old country estate which was open to the public and had spent an enjoyable morning exploring the house and gardens. They they'd gone for a hike slightly away from the crowds. Rebecca had spread a large blanket on the ground and lain out a wonderful feast of food for them.
They'd spent several delightful hours slowly eating strawberries dipped in chocolate and sipping sparkling wine, pretending it was Champagne. They'd eaten their fill of oysters and delicious home-made brown bread. Afterwards, they'd lain on the blanket, kissing and caressing each other.
Then Rebecca unzipped his trousers, and lifted her skirt when she slowly lowered herself onto him. He moaned to himse
lf at the delicious memory of her warm wetness engulfing him, her gorgeous breasts in his face.
How he'd longed to rip her clothes off right there in the park, but he'd somehow managed to resist the temptation. She sat on his lap, kissing him, teasing him and slowly gyrating on him until they'd both reached a wonderfully slow, gentle orgasm. He could feel himself becoming aroused at the memory.
Rebecca was still as sexy as ever, not as spontaneous; marriage and motherhood had toned that down, but still undeniably sexy. Mark wanted Rebecca as much now, as he'd ever wanted her. There was no way that he would ever give up Rebecca for some immature little girl like Shona. "Silly tart," he muttered to himself. Oh well, one less headache to worry about, he thought, secretly relieved that Shona had made their ending so easy. He was tired of her angry outbursts and dramatic meltdowns, which were becoming more and more frequent recently. The fun had been slowly seeping away from their relationship over the past while. Anyway, he had the beautiful Penelope to occupy him now.
He paid for the coffees and walked back down the steps to his car, checking his mobile phone for any messages. There was nothing yet from Shona. He smirked to himself, oh well, I'm sure she'll be in touch soon enough. He punched Penelope's phone number into his mobile as he walked. I'll give Penelope a call, he thought, I'm sure she'll be more than happy to see me.
Chapter 16
Shona slowly opened her sore eyes. They felt as if they had been glued together. The early afternoon sunshine that was beaming through her thin bedroom curtains pierced her tired eyes. She buried her face into her pillow and covered her head with her duvet. Her throat was dry and her mouth was parched. She didn't know how long she had been in bed and she didn't care either. She was safe in bed, snuggled under the covers. The world couldn't get her as long as she stayed in bed, she'd decided. She never wanted to get up again. Her head pounded incessantly with thoughts of Mark. She wondered and debated with herself if she had done the right thing by ending their relationship finally.
Unfaithful (The Complete Trilogy) Page 9