A small part of her still refused to give up all hope that it was over between them. She tried to squash the crazy voice in her head that insisted she kept on trying. He needs more time, just a little more time, the voice told her. You've been through this much, you can't give up now. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" she roared at herself, suddenly sitting up in bed. "You stupid idiot, Shona Morgan! Get a life!" She startled herself at her outburst and sank back on the pillows within minutes, worn out by the effort of her own shouting.
Her head was aching and her mouth was parched. Her throat was sand paper dry and she was bursting for the toilet, but at that particular point in time she didn't care if her bladder exploded. She vaguely contemplated wetting the bed, but figured that would be a step too far! Getting up seemed like such an effort and she hated the thought of leaving the safety of her bed. She lay against the soft, feather pillows for another while before struggling into a sitting position. Then she pulled her legs out from under the covers and sat at the edge of the bed, willing herself to stand up.
Eventually, the call of nature forced her to walk to the bathroom. She sat on the toilet, feeling dizzy and nauseous. Then she stood in front of the bathroom mirror and studied the car crash that was her reflection. Her eyes were bright red and swollen. She had black smudges under her eyes from where she had cried off all her mascara. I should have worn waterproof, she noted distractedly. She looked like she'd gone several rounds with Mike Tyson. Her face was snow white and her tumble of curls was knotted in tangles standing straight up off the top of her head. She considered brushing her teeth, but decided that it was too much effort and that she simply could not be bothered.
She'd been to her doctor to ask for help who had advised that she was in perfectly good health but that she was indeed suffering from a broken heart. All the doctor could prescribe was sleeping tablets and anti-depressants if she needed them. She had advised that time was the best healer. Shona had asked her how long it took a broken heart to mend, and the doctor had looked at her kindly saying that that was something she didn't know. She recommended surrounding herself with family and friends and trying to stay busy to keep her mind off dwelling too much on her relationship.
Shona filled the prescription for the medication but decided against taking the tablets. She figured that she needed to work through her heartbreak and not cover it with anti-depressants and sleeping tablets. Anyway, she was having no trouble sleeping, if anything she was sleeping too much. She just wanted to be alone. The thought of having to be with people, even her family and friends, made her feel completely overwhelmed. She wanted to be left alone to wallow in her own misery.
She shivered slightly, and noticed for the first time how cold it was in the flat. She pulled her heavy bathrobe from the back of the bathroom door and wrapped it tightly around her, then she stuck her bare feet into her Uggs; both had been a gift from Mark. A sob threated to erupt but she managed to stifle it. She couldn't handle anymore crying at the moment. Her whole body ached from crying.
She padded into her small sitting room and lit the gas fire in the grate. It felt warmer within minutes. She opened the sitting room curtains and peered outside. It was a bitterly cold morning, but the sun was shining brightly through the trees that surrounded the flat.
Shona's flat was attached to her landlord's house, like a granny flat, her sister had laughed when she'd first seen it.
"It's very bijou," Mark had, "very you, Shona."
Shona didn't care what anyone else thought of her little place, it was hers and that was all that mattered. She loved rounding the corner at the bottom of her drive and seeing her flat. It had a private entrance, albeit through her landlord's garage. She liked being able to close her front door on the world and have complete peace and quiet. It was a little safe haven there in Number 3, The Glade.
Her landlord, Harry Tremaine, was a retired gentleman, who lived with his wife and their adult son. He enjoyed chatting to Shona, and would often be pottering about in his garage when Shona arrived home from work in the evening. Shona liked talking to him too. She found his stories about his youth and his adventures very entertaining. He had so many opinions and thoughts on so many different subjects, that he and Shona often spent many happy hours chatting in the garage. He treated her like the daughter he'd never had and Shona saw him as a kindly grandfather figure.
Shona could hear Harry pottering about in his garage, just outside her front door. She was grateful for the companionable noises as he hammered and banged about.
The fire cast a warm glow about the room and soon it was toasty warm. Shona sat there on the battered old couch, staring into the flames. She was startled out of her reverie by a sudden loud knocking on her front door.
"Shona! Shona! Are you in there?" Her sister's shrill tones pierced her ears.
Shona's heart was pounding in her chest as she struggled to her feet. She felt as if she was having an out of body experience just by walking to the door. She unlocked the two bolts and pulled open the heavy door. "What do you want, Jackie?" Shona asked her sister tiredly.
"Charming, it’s nice to see you too, sis." Jackie brushed unceremoniously past her and locked the door behind her. She turned to face her sister.
"Have you ever heard of answering your phone?" Jackie asked, staring at her sister.
Her brisk tone quickly turned to one of concern as she saw the obviously bad state that her sister was in, "what happened, are you ok?"
Shona crumpled in front of her and started crying again. Jackie caught her in her arms and held her close until the worst of the sobs began to subside.
"There, there," she soothed, her arms still around her sister. "I'll put the kettle on and you can tell me your troubles, darling, ok?"
Shona nodded mutely, tears still running down her cheeks.
"There you go, chick," Jackie passed her sister a mug of hot sweet tea and settled herself on the couch beside Shona.
They sat in easy silence for a few minutes, sipping their tea and watching the fire. Shona wrapped her cold fingers tightly around her mug and drank in the soothing warmth of the tea. She slowly began to feel a little more human.
"Are you ok?" Jackie asked gently. Shona shook her head and gulped loudly. "Is it Mark?" Jackie asked.
Shona nodded and sniffed back the tears that threatened once again.
"It's over," she managed to croak, "finally. I mean it absolutely this time."
"Good, I'm glad," Jackie said, "you deserve so much more than that toe rag."
"Please, don't," Shona battled against the huge lump in her throat. "I have never felt this bad about anyone or anything in my entire life," she whispered. "I miss him so much and in spite of everything I still love him desperately."
"I know, I know, it's not easy," Jackie soothed.
"No, Jackie, you don't know," Shona snapped, "how could you possibly know? You have never had your heart broken. You have been loved and adored by one wonderful man your whole life and you will more than likely spend the rest of your lives together, living happily ever after. You don't know how lucky you are to have found him so early and have someone want to be with you as much as you want to be with him. I wish I had what you have with Colm, but I've probably jinxed myself for life after having an affair with a married man. Eventually Karma will get me, in fact I think it already has. I'll never find love again and will end up a lonely old spinster living in this flat for the rest of my life, talking to myself and smelling of urine."
Jackie burst out laughing at this last proclamation. "I hate to break it to you, darling, but you're beginning to smell of urine already. When was the last time you had a shower?"
"What!" Shona was horrified, "I can't smell anything."
"Of course you can't smell yourself," Jackie smiled, "you don't smell that bad; yet, just a little whiffy."
"Bitch!" Shona threw a cushion at her sister, and even managed a small grin.
"Why don't you jump in the shower and I'll sort out some dinner for us,
" Jackie said decisively.
"I really don't feel like eating anything," Shona groaned, "my stomach keeps churning."
"I'll rustle up something small; honestly, you'll feel a lot better for eating."
"Ok," Shona agreed reluctantly, making her way to the bathroom, "maybe some toast and soup."
Jackie sighed as she surveyed the mess in front of her. Shona's kitchen looked like a bomb had hit it. There wasn't a clean dish in the cupboards, every cup and plate was piled high in the sink. There was some milk, a piece of mouldy cheese and a bottle of white wine in the refrigerator. Jackie rummaged through the shelves and found a few slices of stale bread and some over-ripe bananas which were beginning to stink. She dumped them in the bin and decided to order a takeaway. She flicked through the brochures which were taped to her sister's refrigerator and found a menu for the local Chinese restaurant. She ordered the meal for two with extra helpings of chips and prawn crackers, which were Shona's favourite.
She texted Colm to say that she might be late as Shona was in a mess. Then she set about tackling the mountain of dishes in the sink.
She replayed her earlier conversation with her sister and began to feel guilty about Colm and her affair. She knew Shona was right and that she was very lucky and blessed to have Colm, but she longed to explain to her sister that marriage wasn't all it was cracked up to be. She dismissed her guilt and smiled encouragingly at Shona as she finally emerged from the bathroom.
"Feeling better?" she asked gently.
"A little," Shona smiled weakly. "You didn't have to do the dishes."
"No trouble, darling, don't tell anyone but I actually find dish-washing quite therapeutic."
"You are mad," Shona looked at her sister as if she had become unhinged.
"Proud of it," Jackie grinned, balancing the last bowl precariously on top of the others. She removed her Marigold gloves and wiped her hands on a dish towel.
"I hope you're hungry, missus, cos I've ordered us lots of yumminess from the Chinese."
"I don't know if I'll be able to manage much," Shona groaned.
The thought of chewing was beginning to make her head ache again.
"Well, just eat what you can," Jackie bustled about the kitchen, drying plates, glasses and cutlery.
"Wine o' clock," she said, glancing at her watch and removing the cold bottle of sauvignon blanc from the refrigerator. "I don't know about you, chick, but I could do with a large glass of white round about now."
"Acually, me too," Shona agreed, looking slightly perkier.
"Good girl.” Jackie battled with the cork-screw and the bottle top.
"Give it here.” Shona held out her hands. “You never were much good at the technical stuff." She took the bottle from her sister and deftly unscrewed the cork. Then she poured the golden liquid into two large glasses.
"Cheers," the two sisters clinked glasses and smiled at each other.
"This is good stuff.” Jackie studied the label on the bottle.
"Pinot Grigio, Mark's favourite," Shona said despondently, "he always had great taste in wine."
"Indeed," Jackie took another sip.
"I'm just popping outside for a minute.” Shona stood up.
"Outside?" Jackie asked incredulously, "dressed like that?"
"Oh, I’m only going as far as the garden," Shona explained, "I need some air."
"Ok," Jackie looked confused, "want some company?"
"No, thanks, I'll be back in a few minutes. I need to blow away the cobwebs."
"Ok, no worries, I'll be here, minding the wine," Jackie joked.
Shona smiled and went to find her big duffle coat. She zipped herself into it and pulled the hood up over her head. She stuck her feet into her boots and made her way outside in her pyjamas. She walked to the corner of the garden, which was not overlooked from the house and dug deep into her pockets for her cigarettes.
She looked around furtively, before popping a Marlboro Gold into her mouth, lighting it and inhaling deeply. She waited for the nicotine rush to hit her and sighed with relief as she felt the tension leave her brain. She wasn't proud of her new habit, especially having developed it in her twenties. She recalled how the naughtiest girls in school would smoke behind the music building. They were also the girls who had boyfriends first and went drinking cans of beer in the park at the weekend. She felt like she had just joined their illicit group.
She thought about how sheltered her own childhood and teenage years had been and not for the first time she wondered if her life, especially her love life, might have turned out differently if she had been allowed a little more freedom. She puffed away and blew the smoke in circles in front of her face. The smell reminded her of Mark; she breathed him in and fresh tears sprang to her sore eyes. Not again, she sighed, rubbing her eyes fiercely, as if to push the tears back inside.
She stamped out her cigarette and made her way back inside, remembering to stop by the bathroom for a quick spritz of Calvin Klein, CK One, to cover her naughtiness, before joining her sister in the sitting room.
"Is everything alright?" Jackie asked, looking up rather guiltily as she poured herself another glass of wine.
"Hmmm," Shona replied non-committally. "Any sign of that Chinese yet? I'm famished."
"It should be here any minute, hopefully," Jackie replied, "I'm getting quite hungry myself. I haven't eaten anything all day." Her mobile phone rang suddenly, making them both jump. It was their takeaway. "At last.” Jackie jumped to her feet, "I'll get this, my treat."
"Thanks girl," Shona called after her.
The sisters spent the next while eating too much delicious food and drinking another bottle of white wine, which Jackie had nipped to the local shop to buy.
"I think I'm about to explode," Shona groaned, patting her round tummy and lying across the couch.
"Me too," Jackie sighed contentedly, "so bad, but oh so good." She was happy to see the colour slowly returning to her sister's pale face. She'd been shocked at how drawn and dishevelled she had looked earlier.
"So, how's life with you, missus?" Shona asked, smiling at her sister.
Jackie shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "never mind about me, let's talk about you."
"No, honestly, I've said it all a million times before. Mark and I are finished for good. I'm sick and tired of wasting my time and energy ranting on about our relationship, or lack thereof. Let's talk about you for a change," Shona insisted.
"Well, there's not a lot to say really," Jackie began, "the children are doing well. Colm is well."
"That’s one too many wells, missus.” Shona searched her sister's face. "You're being very secretive. Don't tell me that you're having an affair too." She laughed.
Jackie couldn't stop the slow pink of her blushes creeping up her face.
Shona stopped laughing and stared at her sister. "Jackie!" she exclaimed. “You're not! Please tell me you’re not cheating on Colm!"
Jackie reached for her glass of wine and took a large gulp, desperately searching her brain for something to cover up what her blushes had belied. Her blushes only deepened. She put her glass down carefully on the old battered coffee table. She suddenly felt very tired and overwhelmed by the guilt that she'd been carrying around for weeks.
"Jackie?" Shona stared at her sister, open-mouthed, her own problems completely forgotten. "Yes," was all Jackie managed to mumble.
"Oh," Shona replied, still staring at her sister.
"Not so perfect after all," Jackie laughed dangerously.
"What have you done?" Shona asked.
Jackie told her sister all about her affair. Shona sat there open-mouthed as her sister revealed the sordid details of her liaison with Sean. "So, there you have it, little Miss Perfect Jackie isn't so perfect after all," Jackie finished with a dramatic flourish as she dangerously waved her wine glass in the air. "More wine?" Jackie asked, refilling her glass.
"No, thanks," Shona mumbled.
"Good, all the more for me."
&n
bsp; The two sisters didn't speak for quite some time. Shona stared out the window, lost in thought, while Jackie stared into the depths of her wine glass.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" Jackie asked hesitantly.
"I don't know what to say," Shona replied carefully, not meeting her sister's eyes.
"I hope you don't think too badly of me."
"Who am I to think badly of anyone?" Shona almost laughed. "I've been sleeping with a married man for almost a year."
"Yes, but at least you weren't married and in fairness you didn't know that he was married when you first started seeing him."
"Yeah, well it all comes down to the same thing in the end, doesn't it?" Shona sighed, "I'm a cheat, Mark's a cheat and you're a cheat. There are no levels. We're all on the same murky level. Welcome to my world."
"Aren't you going to ask me why I'm doing it? Why I'm cheating on Colm? Aren't you going to lecture me for throwing away my marriage and my family?" Jackie cried, her voice reaching a dangerously high pitch.
"No, I honestly don't want to know the reasons," Shona replied. "There aren't any reasons that are good enough. I don't want to listen to the explanations cos I know they'll only echo my own pathetic reasons for trying to convince myself." She put her head in her hands and groaned loudly.
"Do you mind if I sleep here tonight?" Jackie asked.
"You're welcome to stay for as long as you want. I'm going back to bed. I've had enough of being awake for one day. There are spare sheets and a duvet in the bathroom closet. Help yourself." Shona kissed her sister goodnight and padded back to bed. She covered her head with the duvet and squeezed her eyes tightly shut against the world, hoping that all that was wrong with her world would just go away and she would soon wake up from the bad dream that her life had become.
Unfaithful (The Complete Trilogy) Page 10