by Baker, LJ
"I remember when you didn't know me. You weren't running toward dead rabbits to get away from me."
"True, but you're different."
Now it was Dan's turn to bat his lashes for dramatic effect. "Am I?"
"Don't be ridiculous. You know you are. If I trusted everyone as easily as I did you, I'd be dead by now."
"Well then, sweetheart, I'm very glad that you don't."
I snorted. "Oh, I'm sure you'd be just fine without me."
Dan stopped for a moment and I thought he was going to respond, but he stayed quiet.
Crissy walked into the room and stared at Dan's back until he turned to look at her.
"I'm sorry I lost my temper. I shouldn't have thrown that bowl." Her eyes fell to the ground, and I could tell she wasn't happy about making the apology.
"Tony tell you to say that?" Dan asked.
She nodded and clenched up her hands at her sides.
"Okay, well, thanks for the apology. You can let him know we're all cool." Dan waved his hand to dismiss her and went back to the rabbit.
Crissy growled under her breath and for a moment, I thought she was going to start screaming again. I couldn't blame the girl. If some guy treated me the way Dan seemed to treat most girls, I would wanna throw a bowl at his head too.
The funny thing was, he wasn't at all like that with me. Not that I threw myself at him or slept with him the first time I laid eyes on him like some of these girls did, but even before they did that, he was different with me. It had to be because we were just friends, but he was different the first moment we met.
She must have thought better of another screaming match because she turned and stomped off leaving us once again alone.
"You're quiet." Dan said.
"Yeah, I guess. Just thinking."
"About?" Dan plated the freshly cooked Thumper and sat down at the table.
"You, I guess." I took one of the plates and pushed the meat around a bit. Well, it looked like chicken, anyway.
Dan winked. "Fantasizing?"
I forked a chunk of the meat into my mouth and pretended it was turkey or Cornish hen or something I was used to eating in my old life. "You wish."
“Ah, love, but I do." He nudged my foot with his before attacking his plate of steaming food.
I rolled my eyes. He never quit with the flirty charm. It was cute, but I'd grown used to it. It wasn't like I took him seriously, whether he meant any of it or not.
I considered keeping my mouth shut, but it was going to come out of it sooner than later. It might as well be sooner. "I actually was thinking about how you are with girls."
He swallowed his last bite of meat and turned his chair to give me his full attention. "How do you mean?"
"I mean … the way you are with me … opposed to how you act with other girls, like Rose, or Crissy." I bit back a twinge of guilt. I still hadn't told him about Rose, but it wasn't the time.
Dan pulled my legs around and up onto his lap. "How do I act with other girls?"
"Not like this, for one thing." I huffed and struggled a bit to free my legs, but he held on. "Anyway, you know exactly what I mean."
"Actually, I don't have a clue what you are talking about." He pulled my chair closer so I was practically in his lap.
"Seriously? You don't see it?"
He looked at me puzzled. He really didn't seem to be following along.
"Well, you're nice to me. You were not at all nice to Rose, and Crissy tried to take your head out with a glass bowl. Why do you suppose that is?"
"I know exactly why that is, and it has nothing to do with anything." Dan's eyes narrowed.
"Why is it then?"
"Because both of those girls wanted more than I clearly explained I was going to give. I never once led them to believe that I was interested in dating them." He leaned back in his chair and stretched.
"You don't think screwing them gave them that idea?"
Dan released my legs and slid his chair back. "I know you're new at this sort of thing, but sex is just sex. I didn't have feelings for those girls and I made that very clear to each of them before anything happened. You saw Rose. She was throwing herself at me. All I did was let her."
"Even if that's true, it doesn't excuse the way you act toward them after."
"And how do I act?" Dan turned to look at me again. His hands rested tense on his thighs.
"Cold. You ignored Rose and acted like she didn't exist the next morning. I'm guessing Crissy felt the same."
Dan sighed. "Andi, if I act any differently, it will send messages that I don't want to send. I can't help it if some women think that, regardless of what I tell them, sex will magically make me fall in love with them. It won't."
I thought about that for a moment. It made sense when he explained it, but I couldn't help taking the girls side. "If I shared something so … intimate … with someone, and they treated me that way after, I would be crushed."
"You aren't like those girls, Andi. You would never throw yourself at a man you didn't even know, so you have nothing to worry about. Those girls have done this over and over. They should know what they are getting into by now. If they don't, it's on them."
"It just seems cruel. You could at least be nice."
"I am nice. I treated those girls very nicely." Dan winked, lightening the mood.
I huffed. "Jerk."
"You're personalizing this way too much. You feel bad for them. I get it, but they got what they asked for. Nothing more, nothing less." Dan got up and cleared the dishes. I was getting way too used to having other people clean up my dishes. I almost felt guilty for it. He did, after all, catch it and cook it.
That night with Dan and Rose went through my mind. She was sitting in his lap and was all over him the whole night. She practically begged him to sleep with her right there in front of everyone. I didn't know if she knew what she was getting herself into or not, but that next morning she sure looked upset about it.
I still hadn't told him about Rose. I was waiting for the right time, but that was never going to come. "I was thinking I should tell you something, but after this conversation, I'm not sure if it will matter to you or not."
He dried the bowls and set them on a shelf above the sink. "You can tell me anything."
"Before we made it to the military base, we ran into some trouble. We got cornered by a big horde and got separated." Images from that day ran through my mind. I didn't know Rose well, but watching her suffer was difficult.
Dan walked back over and sat down next to me. He draped his arm over my shoulder and stroked his hand over mine. "I'm sorry."
"Mike and Nikki got trapped and didn't make it. Will and I were together, and I wasn't sure if any of us were going to make it."
"But you did." His voice soothed me, but I needed more. As if he sensed it, he pushed my head down against his chest and waited for me to continue my story.
"Yes. We made it over a fence and past the worst of it. Janet and Rose made it out too, but Rose had been bitten. I know she didn't mean anything to you, but I thought you should know."
"I never said she didn't mean anything to me. I said what happened between us was just sex. That doesn't mean I don't care that she's gone."
"We got her to the military base. They said maybe they could help her, but they couldn't."
He leaned his face on the top of my head and sighed. "So, they don't have a treatment."
"No. I mean, I don't know. They say they're working on it and they are doing experiments. Maybe it doesn't work on everyone." I hoped that was the case. It was sad that Rose couldn't be saved, but the idea that there was no hope for any of us was too much to bear.
"I guess I never really believed it anyway. I bet those governmental bastards did this to us to begin with." Dan said.
"Well, it's not like they are going to admit that." I tried to stifle a yawn.
"We should probably get some sleep. We have another long day ahead of us tomorrow. I have a good feeling a
bout our next search area. I think we are going to find him before the day is over." Dan got up and pulled me to my feet.
I knew he was just trying to keep me positive, but I wanted to believe it so bad that I didn't care.
"I do want you to know something, Andi," Dan said and led me down the dark hallway toward the room with the star on the door.
"What's that?"
He didn't answer until we were inside the room and he turned on the small lantern. "I would never treat you that way."
I wasn't sure if I believed that or not. I mean, wasn't that what he'd say to me to get me in bed anyway? "Why not?"
"Because it wouldn't be just sex with you."
Chapter Twenty
I felt a little guilty sleeping in bed with Dan again. Even though I had done it several times before, that was the first time since Will and I were officially together. It wasn't like anything was going to happen between us, but the guilt poked up nonetheless. Probably because I actually was attracted to Dan, and he made no attempt to hide how he felt about me.
I had become quite efficient at falling asleep, even if I did wake from the lightest of sounds. Dan wasn't much different, and it made me feel safe knowing at least one of us was likely to wake up if there was a problem. He pushed the mattress up against the door, a tactic you got used to when you occasionally had to spend the night with people you didn't know well, and we were both unconscious in minutes.
When I woke up, Dan was sitting up with his back propped against the wall. There were no windows in the small room, but he had the lantern on and was writing in a journal.
"Is it morning?" With no natural light, there was no way to know if it was still night without a watch, and I didn't own one.
"It's a little after five. You can sleep some more if you want."
I pulled myself up and stretched. "Nah. I'm good. What are you writing?"
He stuck a photo into the book to hold its place and closed it. "All my exciting adventures and womanizing. You know, the usual stuff."
"I hope you didn't leave out the part where Crissy tried to kill you with a bowl."
"Death by dinnerware. That's a new one, even for me." Dan shoved the book into his backpack and pulled on his boots. "Good thing her aim was awful."
"Good thing. They probably would have made me drag your body out, and getting you up those stairs would have been a bitch." I felt around for my sneakers and Dan tossed my hoodie at me.
"Since we are guests, we should probably go make some breakfast for everyone before we set off. My guess is that Tony will have worked up an appetite, and Crissy will be in a much better mood."
I looked at him blankly. "Huh?"
Dan laughed. "You didn't hear that last night?"
"Hear what?" I really had no idea what he was talking about.
He dragged the mattress back into its usual spot and stepped over it to the door. "Tony and Crissy going at it for like an hour."
"Uh, no. I guess I slept through it. Wait … how do you know who it was?"
"Crissy likes to say names … when she … you know …”
"Oh." I was glad I slept through that, for sure.
By seven we had finished breakfast, thanked our hosts, and were on our way. There was a chill in the air, and autumn was on its way. The leaves already started turning colors, but it would probably be another month or so before they all fell off. I used to love the autumn when I was younger. That crisp smell in the air and the beauty of nature's change made me feel at home.
Since the outbreak, the color change of the leaves brought cooler weather and sparser food choices. Right around the corner was winter, the most difficult season to manage in a post-apocalyptic world. Last year, at least I had a warm coat and was with a group that made it possible to keep a fire going at night.
Dan nudged my arm as we walked. "You're quiet this morning."
"Just thinking about the seasons changing."
"Yeah, winter's coming. You got a heater in that basement?"
"Yea, but the solar panels don't always get enough sun to run it very long. If you can find fuel, there's also a kerosene heater in the back room. If it still works, anyway."
"If I can find fuel? You're going back to that military base, aren't you?" Dan frowned and took a seat on a half-broken fence to rest.
I shrugged. "I really didn't think that much about it, but no. I don't think I am going back. I just didn't want to assume that I'd be around to show you where everything was."
"And why is that?" He picked up a branch from the ground and drew circles in the dirt.
"Because I could be dead." I was trying to be realistic, but from the look on Dan's face, he didn't want reality. "Let's face it, none of us are guaranteed another day, and I've already beat the odds on a number of occasions. You might as well know where shit is, in case you need it. Whether I'm around or not."
Dan tossed the branch and started walking again. "We should keep moving. We have a lot of area to cover today and nowhere certain to spend the night."
No one wanted to talk about death anymore. Not when it was someone you cared about. It was a fact of life, one that was all too real since the outbreak began, but people tended to push it aside and ignore it. We were flooded with death, yet we were almost numb to it. Not to say that it didn't hurt when someone you cared for died. It did. It might even have hurt just a little bit more than before the world went to shit. At least then you had other loved ones left.
We came across quite a few flesh eaters over the next few hours. For a little while, we were just taking out one after another, and they weren't old, slow ones. Those were fresh and quicker. Dan took out every one of the young ones, even though I insisted I could handle it. The truth was, I was grateful that he did. Janet insisted I use that kid-zombie target dummy for practice until she was certain I could do it for real. I cursed her under my breath for it, but she was right to do it. Even Will would have made me take on some of the kids. He was a lot like Janet in that way.
Dan was different. He wanted to protect me. It was sweet, and I appreciated him looking out for me, but I wasn't going to let him put his life at risk while I played the helpless girl. After everything Janet did to train me, I owed it to her memory to fight and be the person she could be proud of.
"They are finally starting to ease up a bit. I was starting to think they were never going to stop," Dan said.
I leaned against a large oak tree and rested my arms. It took a lot of strength to engage a crossbow, and even though I was considerably stronger than a couple months ago, there was only so much I could take.
"My arms are burning."
"Yeah, I bet. You should let me take the lead for a while and rest up. You don't want them cramping up at the wrong time."
"I'll just switch to the knife. It doesn't take much strength." I hooked the bow onto my pack so it was still within easy reach and pulled the knife out of my belt.
Dan took the knife out of my hand and stuffed it back into its holster. "It's okay to take a break. It's not like we are getting hit with a dozen at a time. I can handle it."
I rolled my eyes and pushed his hand off the knife. "I know you can handle it, but so can I. I'm not helpless. I was trained by the best."
"Sweetheart, I know you're not helpless. I just couldn't live with myself if something happened to you. The bow is one thing, but using the knife brings you too close. There's no reason to risk it."
"Dan, I'll be fine. We can take a break for a while, and you won't have to worry. We've made good time thanks to your speed walking back there. What the hell was up with that anyway?"
He took a few step away. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about."
"You certainly do. Instead of your usual meander, you were practically jogging. Are you mad at me?"
"Mad?" His eyes widened. "Are you joking?"
"No. I am not joking. The way you acted back there and then you hardly speak to me. Not to mention the jogging."
"I was not jogg
ing, and I was hardly speaking because I've been a little busy making sure we don't become anyone's lunch." Dan pulled a water bottle from his bag and took a long pull from it. "What exactly did you expect me to say anyway? You want to discuss where you want to be buried too?"
I knew it was the talk of me not being around that got him into a huff, whether it made sense or not. "Look, I'm sorry if I upset you, but it's not like it wasn't the truth. I would be really sad if something happened to you too, but I have to face reality and accept that the chances of that aren't exactly slim."
"It's not … the same, Andi."
"What do you mean it's not the same. How isn't it?"
Dan closed the distance between us and leaned his hand on the tree an inch from my head. He was staring at me and breathing in shallow, quick breaths. "The way I feel about you … is not the same. Losing you … would not be the same."
He brought his other hand up to my face and pushed my hair back. His fingers trailed down the side of my cheek. He leaned closer, his lips close to mine. My heart thumped so hard in my chest, I was sure he could hear it. I thought for sure he was about to kiss me and, for a split second, I almost wanted him to.
He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and clamped down with his teeth.
"Dan …” I wasn't even sure what to say at that point, but the word was out of my mouth anyway.
He took a deep breath, kissed the middle of my forehead, then pushed off the tree and walked a few feet away. "I'm sorry." The words were just above a whisper.
"What for?" I wanted to go to him, force him to look at me, but I knew what would happen if I did.
He grabbed his backpack off the ground and slung it over his shoulder. "We should get back on the road."
"Maybe we should talk more," I said, though really I wasn't sure that was the best idea, especially since a small piece of me was hoping he actually would kiss me.
Guilt bubbled up, and I knew my feelings for Dan were wrong. We were out there looking for my boyfriend, who could have been dead, or worse, and I was thinking about kissing someone else. I was a horrible person and the worst girlfriend ever.
Dan closed his eyes and shook his head. "You certainly don't make this easy."