She catches it and hugs it to her chest. “OK, I'll stop. Just... take your time, Ruby. If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll be happy to keep waiting until things are right. Don’t do something just because you feel like you have to.”
“How am I going to keep being a grown-up without your sage advice?”
“There’s always Skype. We can talk all the time.”
“I wish I was as grown up as you are.”
She smiles. “It took me years of going along with Shane to grow some lady balls and follow my own path. You’ll find your way too.”
“Are you glad you did?”
She pauses and smiles at me, nodding. “Yeah. I feel like he’s now got his priorities sorted out and that I’m finally at the top of the list.”
“You deserve it.” Leaning toward her, I wrap my arms around her neck and rest my head against her shoulder. “I’m going to miss you, roomie.”
“I’ll miss you too,” she says against my hair.
***
“That feels amazing.” I sit on the opposite side of Joel’s couch, a glass of wine in hand as he kneads his thumbs into the aching soles of my feet. He picked me up after work on the Friday night before he goes away for his kickboxing tournament. It’s also the last weekend that Shane and Coral will be here. Time is going faster than I’m comfortable with.
“It’s the least I can do since I'm ditching you tomorrow night. I feel like a shitty boyfriend.”
He pauses and I wriggle my toes, wanting him to continue. “Don’t forget the trip to Melbourne coming up straight after.”
Chuckling, he continues to soothe the ache in my arch. “I’ll have to find a way to smuggle you down there with me.”
“That would be nice,” I say, resting my head against the back of his couch. “Then we could finally spend the night together.”
He stops massaging and runs his hand up and down my shin, stopping at my knees. “Don’t feel like that’s something I care about. I mean, it is—I definitely want that—I just don’t want you feeling like you’re under any pressure or letting me down by not spending the night with me. I can wait, Ruby, as long as it takes. And if there’s anything you want to talk about, or anything you need from me to make you feel comfortable, I want you to know you can approach me about anything.”
Reaching out, I slide my fingers through his light brown hair, touching the side of his cheek. “You make me feel like a princess.”
Taking my hand, he presses a kiss to my palm. “My aim is to make you feel like a queen.”
Setting my glass on the side table, I slide a little closer to him and press my lips against his, a soft kiss that quickly turns into something more. I can feel the hunger in the way his tongue moves against mine. I can feel it in the way his hands hold me, firm but restrained.
I want him. I want this relationship to be the last relationship I have. I want him.
I choose him.
Taking a deep breath, I shift my weight so I’m sitting with my legs either side of him, letting my hands feel the heat of his body, the beat of his heart. He’s so good, so caring. I know that if I stopped right now, he’d just hold me then take me home when I asked him to. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Have you ever thought that you don’t want him because you really want Flynn?
That little devil on my shoulder whispers the question into my ear, forcing me to sit back and frown.
Joel reaches up and touches my cheek. “You OK?” he asks.
No, my mind says. But my mouth says, “Yeah. I’m perfect. I just thought I heard something.”
Grinning, he slips his hand down to the back of my neck and in a husky voice says, “I’ll keep you safe.”
A smile spreads across my lips and I squash that little devil down as deep as I can. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. “How about you take me to your bed?” I ask, my hands resting on his chest, feeling his steady, reassuring heartbeat beneath my palm.
“Are you sure?” He looks at me, his eyes doubting my words.
Leaning forward, I kiss him with passion. “I’m sure.”
When he picks me up and carries me to his room, the angel on my other shoulder does a little twirl. She wins.
16
MY EYES OPEN only to be greeted by a dark room and the deep breathing of the sleeping figure beside me. There is no light except for the moon making its way into the room around the edges of the vertical blinds that cover the small window.
Rolling over, I try to get comfortable, my eyes adjusting enough so that I can see Joel’s slumbering form. He’s beautiful to look at—a smooth chest, sculpted body and an appendage that matches the rest of him. Sex with him was... great—amazing, even. I’m glad I took the plunge and forced all my hesitation to the side. It was definitely worth it. He knew all the right buttons to press and attended to my every need. But now, in the dead of the night, all I really want to do is go home. Is that wrong of me?
Maybe it’s because I’m not used to sleeping in any other bed but my own. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been in a relationship for a long time so sharing a bed feels strange now. Either way, my mind won’t quiet.
Sliding out of bed, I find his T-shirt on the floor and slip it over my naked body before heading to the kitchen to get a drink of water. While I’m there, I check my phone and find a message from Coral waiting for me.
Coral: Tell me you’re having wild crazy sex with our hottie instructor and not stranded on the side of the road somewhere.
Smiling to myself, I type my reply.
Me: I appreciate the concern, but a lady doesn’t kiss and tell.
Coral: You did it! How was he? Flexible? I bet he’s flexible.
Me: How does that convert to the bedroom? It’s guys who get excited over a flexible girl so they can bend us into odd positions.
Coral: I’m sure you could think of something interesting to do with a guy who can do the splits...
With my grin taking over my face, I type a final message, then power down my phone.
Me: I guess you’ll never find out since I’m a lady and all.
Dropping my phone into my bag, I take a seat on the couch and look out to the courtyard through the glass sliding doors, replaying the night in my head. I’m not sure how I feel about it; maybe Tony did break me completely. What if I can’t fully connect with a man after everything he put me through?
I mean, what more could a girl ask for? Joel was textbook perfect. He made sure I finished first and treated me right. But it was just... I don’t know... different. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Perhaps I’m just not used to being treated so well? Perhaps I need to learn how to be in the type of relationship where I'm not the object—I’m a person. I’m struggling to understand my feelings these days. There’s just too much going on and my emotions are all up in the air.
Have you ever thought that you feel this way because Joel isn’t Flynn?
That little devil is whispering in my ear again. I’ve been responding with anger, forcing her point of view out of my mind. But this time, sitting in an unfamiliar room, all alone in the dead of night, I actually address the thought –Maybe.
He’s someone I crave, someone my hormones react to in an overwhelming matter. But after what I just did with Joel, a craving is all it can ever be. A future isn’t something I can have with Flynn. He doesn’t tick any of the same boxes that Joel does. Which is why he’s dangerous to me and why I need stop thinking about him—especially after I’ve just had sex with my boyfriend.
This whole thought process is wrong.
Joel is everything. Flynn is nothing.
It’s a mantra that I chant to myself over and over until Joel’s face is the only one I can see and I fall asleep.
***
Soft lips press against my forehead, stirring me from my sleep. “Did I snore?” Joel asks, kneeling on the floor beside me. It takes a moment for me to realise that I’m still lying on his couch.
“Oh God. I’
m sorry. I got up for a drink of water and fell asleep with it.” I hold the empty glass up, still clutched between my fingers.
“You worried me for a second when I woke up to an empty bed. But then I saw your clothes still on the floor in my room and realised you couldn’t have gotten too far.”
“I’m so sorry,” I repeat, feeling awful for putting him through that.
“It’s fine.” He grins and then stands, holding his hand out to me. “How about some breakfast? I don’t have a huge amount of time before I have to hit the road, but we have time to eat and shower before I drop you home.”
“Sounds perfect.” I smile, taking his hand before kissing him softly, then resting my head against his chest. “You’re perfect,” I murmur against his skin. And I’m a piece of shit for sleeping with you and then coming out here and thinking about Flynn.
I don’t deserve him.
17
“TOO DO DO do doooo!” Coral holds her hand at her mouth, pretending it’s a trumpet of sorts when I walk through the door. “I present to you Ruby Garvan, doing the age-old walk of shame!”
Shane claps and hoots. A grin spreads across my face as I shake my head and make my way to the couch, squishing my way in between them. “As modern women, shouldn’t we be high-fiving each other and adding a notch to our bedpost instead of calling it a walk of shame?
“You’re right. There’s no shame in getting laid by a hot kickboxing lawyer.” She laughs.
“It sounds so funny when you put it like that.” I giggle.
Shane pipes up, “Maybe it should be called a strut of... something. I don’t know what word to put there.”
I place my finger on my chin, thinking. “A strut of satisfaction.”
“Ohhh.” Coral grips my knee and squeezes. “It was that good, huh?”
“I’m going to get changed.” I smile as I stand from the couch.
“She looks tired too. Don’t you think she looks tired, Shane?”
“Didn't get much sleep last night, Rubes?” he asks, chuckling along with Coral.
“I’m going,” I sing out over my shoulder, heading to my room.
“Don’t go, Ruby. Stay and tell me everything. Will it help if I throw Shane out?”
“I need to get changed.” I laugh. “And I’m not telling you anything.”
“And on the eve of our going-away bash. You’d think she could do me this one favour since she’s been having a massive dry spell ever since I moved in.” Coral yells out the last part so I can hear it through my closed door.
Looking in the mirror, I’m laughing to myself but also feeling a little melancholy. I don’t want Coral to go. Hell, I’ll even miss Shane. They’re like family to me. And the last thing I want to do is spend my last day with them trying to dissect the reason I felt so disconnected last night.
Maybe I should have kept waiting....
Taking my work clothes off from the night before, I throw them in my laundry basket since I won’t be needing them again tonight. I’m rostered off for Coral and Shane’s going away party.
Applying moisturiser all over my body and face, I pull on a pair of ripped jeans and an off-the-shoulder cable-knit jumper in peach. I’m torn between wanting to go out and spend every spare moment with them before they leave and hiding out in my room, pretending it isn’t happening. Their flight leaves tomorrow night. What was months away is now so soon. I don’t think I can cope.
Twisting my long hair into a messy bun at the nape of my neck, I spritz on some perfume and lip gloss and I’m ready to face the world again.
“I need to talk to you about the flatmate situation,” Coral says when I exit my room.
“What about it?”
“I didn’t find you one.”
“OK.” I shrug, not bothered.
“I really had the best of intentions, but everything just snowballed and I ran out of time.”
I grab her hands and look into her eyes. “It’s fine, Coral. I’ll handle it.”
“I can keep paying my half of the rent until you find a replacement. I don’t want you to be out of pocket.”
This time I laugh. “Seriously, Coral. It’s fine. I promise. I told you before that I can cover the rent on my own for a while. This isn’t urgent, and it’s the last thing I want to think about when there is precious little time left. What do you want to do today?”
“We have to go see Shane’s parents this afternoon while you’re setting up the party. But until then, we’re pretty free. Want to go sightseeing or something? I kind of want to walk around the city one last time and take lots of pictures of us around the harbour. You up for it?”
“I wouldn’t miss it. Just no eating outside on Cockle Bay Wharf. Last time we got shat on by those fucking seagulls.”
She laughs and hugs me. “Done.”
We don’t say anything after that, just hug for a really long time.
God, I’m going to miss her.
***
Going-away parties. The only people they're exciting for are the ones who are actually going away. For everyone else, they're bittersweet as they prepare to say an extended goodbye to someone they care about.
It’s hard for me to maintain a smile.
“I thought I was going to meet that new man of yours?” Dakota asks, handing me a glass of white wine from the bar. We've been setting up this party all afternoon, but we’ve been so busy that we haven’t had a chance to talk until now.
“He’s at a kickboxing tournament,” I reply, nodding my thanks for the drink before I take a sip of the cool, crisp liquid.
“Who’s kickboxing?” Brad appears behind her, catching only half the conversation.
“Joel is.”
“That’s the boyfriend you’re keeping away from everyone?” he asks.
I laugh. “I’m not keeping him away. He just works and trains a lot. He’s a busy guy.” I briefly explain about the whole ‘corporate lawyer by day, self-defence trainer by night’ thing.
“Sounds like someone who’d get along with Elliot.” He turns around and calls Elliot over. He and Brad have been friends since they were teenagers. We were surprised to learn that he and his wife, Paige, also knew Coral and Shane—they all lived in the same share house in London.
“Hey, Ruby.” Elliot smiles and kisses me on the cheek. “What’s happening?”
“Do you know a guy called Joel....” Brad looks at me for his surname.
“Mayer.”
Elliot shrugs. “From where?”
“Your old lawyering days. He’s in corporate.”
“I was in criminal. David might know him though.”
“David?” I ask, wondering where all these names are coming from.
Brad turns to me. “You know David. He was at Riley’s birthday party with his wife—the really tall one—and their kid, Zachary.”
It takes me a moment to recall as I’ve only met her once. But giant girls tend to leave an impression on me because I’m so small. “Katrina?”
Brad clicks his fingers. “That’s her name. She’s a solicitor too, I think.”
Elliot nods. “She is. But she focuses on family law for a small boutique firm. David’s the one in the big firm with all the connections. I’ll ask him.” He pulls out his phone and starts tapping out a message.
“No. You don’t have to...,” I start to object, but the message is typed and gone before I can finish my sentence.
“What do we want to know about this Joel guy for?” Elliot asks as he tucks his phone back in his pocket.
“Ruby is dating him. We’re making sure he’s a good guy.”
“He is a good guy,” I start. But they aren’t listening. They’re looking at Elliot’s phone that has buzzed with a new message.
“He knows him,” Elliot relays. “Went to uni together. He wants to know why we’re asking.”
“Just tell him he’s dating a friend.” Brad says, watching while Elliot types.
I open my mouth and close it again, pressing my lips to
gether as I catch Dakota’s eye. She’s smiling.
“Overbearing big brothers,” she says.
The comment turns my scowl into a smile as I see that Brad and Elliot are just trying to look out for me. “When I wished for a big brother growing up, I didn’t realise it would be like this.”
“It’s nice to know they care though, right?”
I tune in to Elliot and Brad’s conversation for a moment. They’ve moved on from the topic of Joel and are saying something about the fact that David refuses to learn how to surf.
“He reckons the waves are pushing you back to shore and telling you to get out.” Elliot laughs.
“I’m going to go find Coral,” I tell Dakota, downing the last of my wine and leaving the empty glass on a nearby table.
Between Coral and Shane, there are nearly a hundred people packed into the largest of the three function rooms at the kayaking club. As I walk through the crowd, a waiter passes me with a tray of drinks. I swipe another wine and sip at it while I attempt to find Coral or Shane in the sea of faces.
I spot Coral standing with Paige near the wall where a slideshow plays, showing pictures of them throughout the years. I stop walking and watch it for a moment. There are photos of them in London when they first met. They look so young and carefree that it makes me envious of them. Despite being from different countries and backgrounds, they've somehow managed to keep that spark alive. I can still see it in their eyes in the more recent photos. I guess that’s what true love looks like.
My heart aches. I want a love like that. I want someone to look at me like that. I want to feel completely enveloped in their love while I look at them the same way in return.
Thinking about the night before with Joel, I wonder if I’m incapable of feeling that way anymore. Maybe I’m just too broken now.
On the stage, a band sets up to play. The female member is heavily pregnant and also knows both Coral and Shane from their time in London. I haven’t met her before, but I recognise her nonetheless. I’ve seen her band, Matairi, in concert before. She plays the violin like it’s nobody’s business.
“Good turnout tonight,” a voice comments near my ear, sending a slight ripple up my spine. I attribute it to a sense of danger when I turn around to find Flynn standing behind me.
A Beautiful Danger (Beautiful #7) Page 10