Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  I’m pretty sure that my jaw hit the ground. He was right in so many ways and wrong in so many others. I love him, deeply. I also love Ethan, deeply. My heart is not conflicted by any means. I am with Ethan because I am in love with Ethan. I am with Ethan because I can see myself with him in ten years, twenty years. Can I see myself with Brad twenty years from now?

  Crap!

  I can feel Ethan’s presence before he even steps out onto the patio. I’m still in a bit of shock, but I quickly shake it off and throw him a big smile. He bends down and gives me a quick peck on the lips and then turns his attention to Brad.

  “How is our patient today? Giving you any problems?”

  “Nope. It was the last session, so I will let her tell you all about it. I’m gonna get going.”

  He gave me a small, forced smile, and then he was gone. I was still sitting in shock, trying my best to hide it from Ethan, unsure if I was able to speak or not. When Ethan came and sat down on the lounger with me, I knew that he was going to start asking questions. Questions about tennis and therapy. Not questions about Brad.

  “So, what did your therapist have to say? I can tell by the look on your face that it’s not the best news.”

  “Nope. I probably won’t be able to play again, at least not professionally. He won’t release me to play, so I will have to forfeit my scholarship.” I think I may have still be in shock because the words came out without any emotion behind them, and I was surprised that I didn’t start to cry.

  Stunned silence. He didn’t have the words to make me feel better and he knew it. There was nothing that anyone could say or do to change the fact that I was done with tennis. A part of my life was over. A part of who I was, who I’ve always been, the part of me that has always been a constant in my life. That’s when I started to cry. Relief washed over Ethan’s face as he moved me into his lap and held me.

  We didn’t talk about tennis after that day. The racquets, mine and his, went into the closet in the spare bedroom, locked away until I could face what was really happening. I knew it would be a while before I would be able to look at my racquet and not cry. It would be a while before I could watch my favorite player on television and not want to throw something. My anger was strong, but my resolve to get past it was stronger. At least I hoped it was.

  After a few months, I realized that my shoulder was still nowhere near normal, and some of my everyday tasks were complicated by my lack of range of motion. We decided against me getting a part-time job, and instead, Ethan found a new job that paid better. He must have been lucky the day he went out job hunting. He was hired on the spot by a company that wasn’t even hiring. Apparently, his portfolio spoke for itself, and they created a position for him in their photography department.

  The company was still rather new to Tucson, but was known worldwide for discovering new talent. They had only opened an office and gallery about a year earlier, and relied heavily on the local artists to bring in pieces for their gallery shows. Ethan’s job was primarily to shoot photographs for their mailers, magazine, and any advertisement materials.

  It was a great job, in the beginning. The first month or so, before he started his last semester of school, he was working forty hours a week and loving his job. Once classes began, he was less than enthusiastic about his job, his boss, and the work that they were asking him to do.

  Every day he came home in a bad mood. At first I felt like it was my fault. On more than one occasion, I offered to find a job so that he didn’t have to work as much. He always told me that he was fine working and going to class, but I knew different. It put a huge strain on our relationship and as much as we both tried to ignore it, a huge strain on our friendship.

  About a month into the semester, he decided to have a talk with his boss. She listened and took to heart everything he said. His workload was lightened and his hours were cut back. Her attitude however, did not change. She was negative at every turn and was never supportive. She made Ethan’s job a living hell to go to every day and most days he wanted to quit.

  Chapter 7

  I awoke with a start the next morning. Five more minutes and my alarm would have gone off, but it was my phone vibrating that brought me out of my dream. It was a good dream, I think. I know that I woke up smiling but I wasn’t sure why.

  Another vibration and I am completely awake. I reach for my phone to see that I have a missed call and a new text. The text came first, around one in the morning, from Brad. I can only imagine what he wanted. Against my better judgment—I had yet to have any coffee—I opened the text and read the babble that I could barely make out.

  Brad: I lv you we nede to talk plsea call me

  I can only imagine he was drunk when he sent it. It doesn’t matter. I was planning on finding him on campus today, and we were going to talk. There was a lot said last night that needed to be cleared up sooner rather than later. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want to lose our friendship. I did love him.

  After throwing on my robe, I turned off my alarm before it hit seven thirty and slipped out of the bedroom. Ethan is still fast asleep, snoring lightly. I know that he’s a heavy sleeper, but I walked on my tiptoes even after I left the room just in case he’s on the verge of waking up. I need coffee before my day gets any more complicated.

  I set the machine to brew and grab my phone off the counter. I dial in to my voicemail and wait. I can hear an operator on the other end of the line talking to someone but I can’t make out who. Then I hear his voice and I put all the pieces together. Brad’s in jail.

  Crap!

  I filled my mug with coffee and stepped out onto the patio. The air is light this morning, and there is a chill that causes me to wrap my robe around myself even tighter. I opened up my missed calls and dialed the number from three thirty this morning. After only one ring, a lady picks up and my suspicions are confirmed.

  After finding out about his bail and when he can be picked up, I headed back inside to find Ethan pouring himself coffee. I refilled my mug before saying anything. I’m sure he can tell that something is wrong. He hasn’t said anything other than good morning and that’s out of character for him. Maybe he’s still upset about last night? I guess there’s no better time to find out.

  “So, I got a call from Brad last night. He’s in jail.” Unsure of how he might react to what I’m saying I avoid eye contact with him.

  “Really? What the hell did he do?”

  “They couldn’t tell me why he was there, only that he could be picked up after nine and how much it was going to cost to get him out.”

  “Are you going to pick him up?”

  I know that he already knew the answer to that. He was asking to see how I reacted. He was asking to validate a point that he was trying to make. He was asking because he wanted me to say no.

  “If I don’t then he’ll have to sit there until someone else does.”

  “I’ll go get him.” His voice was strained. I could see the muscles in his shoulder tighten up, and I knew that he was doing it so that I wouldn’t be alone with him. In a way, he was sacrificing his time to keep me away from Brad. He wanted to make sure that we weren’t going to be alone together. This was his way of staking his claim.

  “If you would rather that’s fine.” I can play this game too. I knew that he didn’t want to go. “We could always go together if you want.”

  “No. I’ll take care of it. I’m going to change and then I will head down there.”

  Without giving me a chance to answer, he’s gone. This is not a good idea. If the two of them are alone together, there is no telling what will happen. I need to be in that car to run interference. Ethan doesn’t give me that choice, however. I hear the garage door open and his car pulling out of the garage the second I shut the shower off. This is going to end badly and I am powerless to stop it.

  Instead of waiting and worrying, I got ready and headed to campus early. I made my way to the cafeteria and picked up a coffee. After finding a spot on a co
uch, I rummaged through my bag, and pulled out everything for my next class. I was going to drown myself in school. Maybe it would take my mind off of what was going on.

  An hour, and only two paragraphs later, I give up. I only have about twenty minutes before class starts, and I haven’t comprehended anything that I have read, the little bit that it was. I pack my stuff back up and stand to leave. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I can feel his presence before I can spot him in the crowd.

  He looks like hell: two black eyes and a bandage around one wrist. He either gotten himself in a bar fight and I want to see the other guy, or he had gotten in a fight with Ethan and I don’t want to see the other guy.

  Crap!

  I was hoping for the first option when I saw Ethan pop into view about ten feet behind him. There were no obvious marks on Ethan. The sight of him unscathed causes my heart to skip a beat, but I knew that with both of them walking towards me, that something was still going on. I sat back down on the couch and awaited their arrival.

  They both stood in front of me waiting for me to say something but I was at a loss for words. They were towering over me, staring down at me, and I must have looked like a frightened child. I am terrified of what they might say, either one of them. I’m scared that Ethan left those marks on Brad’s face. I’m worried that one or both of them might leave me. I can feel the butterflies fighting to break free. My heart is pounding. The sheer presence of the two of them and what they represent to me is just plain terrifying.

  The look in Brad’s eyes is one of disappointment, sorrow even. The look in Ethan’s is one of anger, rage. It took me only mere moments to realize what had happened. Brad’s left eye was freshly bruised and swollen. The right eye had been bruised long before the left.

  “Becca,” Ethan started. I could hear the anger he was trying to contain seep out in the way he said my name. “Brad has something that he needs to say.”

  I can see the hesitation on Brad’s face. Ethan nudges him with his elbow in the ribs, and Brad winces like he’s been hit with a baseball bat. He must have some bruising under his shirt. How badly was he beat? Who beat him that bad? Ethan?

  “I would rather do this alone if you don’t mind.” He was directing his statement towards Ethan, not me, but he never stopped looking at me. I knew that Ethan didn’t want to leave, but Brad was giving him no choice. In front of me, Ethan would always be a gentleman, and that meant granting Brad his request.

  That’s what he did, too. Right after kissing me deeply on the lips, and whispering his love in my ear. I knew he had said it loud enough for Brad to hear. He was, once again, finding a way to stake his claim on me. I was so confused that I didn’t even know who to look at, so I watched as Ethan turned and walked out of the cafeteria. Even after he was through the doors and they had closed behind him, I was still staring.

  I felt Brad sit down next to me, and when he took my hand, I let him. Whatever was going on was serious. He cleared his throat once, then twice, and tried to speak, but failed. I knew that he was trying to formulate the words, but he wasn’t saying anything.

  “What happened to you? You look like hell.”

  “Thanks. I’ve been better. I got a little drunk last night and got in a fight. The other guy looks worse than me. I would say that I won, but he didn’t end up in jail and I did.”

  He was trying to make me smile or laugh or break the tension that was surrounding us but it wasn’t working. “Seriously? Why? What the hell could have possessed you to get that drunk and start a fight?”

  “First of all, I didn’t start it. At least, I don’t think I did. Secondly, I had just confessed my love to you, and when I got no response, I started to drink my problems away.”

  “Don’t you dare blame this on me! What did you expect me to do? Did you expect me to leave Ethan? To run to you? To profess my love for you in a text?”

  “No. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect the silence. It about killed me.”

  “Well, your text caught me completely off guard.”

  “Why did you let Ethan read it then?”

  “What? I didn’t. Why would I let him read it? That would break him. He would break you.”

  “He already tried. He took a cheap shot at me as soon as I was in the car. Caught me square in the eye.” He was rubbing the eye that Ethan had punched him in.

  “Well, I didn’t let him read that text. He read the one before it, and the one that said to cancel your party, but he was in the shower when the last one came in, and I deleted it right away.”

  A long silence descended. I could hear the people around us chattering away, talking about their classes and gossiping about their friends. For a moment, it felt like I wasn’t even there. It was like I was an outsider looking in. A fly on the wall of my own life. How had I let things go this far?

  “I need to hear you say it, Becca.”

  I knew he was referring to his text. I knew he wanted me to tell him that I loved him. He wanted me to say the words out loud, to make them real. Did I? Was I?

  I love him in the most unspoken kinds of ways. The way he holds my hand, like right now, because he knows that I need his support. The way he guides me with his hand on the small of my back. The way he looks at me with nothing but love and endearment all the time. I love the person that he is and the person that I am around him. I love his friendship and the way that friendship challenges me and has always challenged me.

  “I don’t know what to say. I do love you, Brad, more than you will ever know and more than I will ever understand. I also love Ethan, with all my heart and right now, he has my heart. He owns it, controls it, and protects it.”

  “Then I will wait. I’ll wait for you, for your heart, for our chance to have more than just friendship. I’ll wait for you but I can’t wait forever. I’ve loved you for so long that I don’t know how not to love you. When I figure it out is when I’ll stop waiting. It probably won’t be next week or even next month, but it will happen eventually. That’s when I’ll move on. Until then, I’ll wait for you.”

  “Why? Why would you do that to yourself?”

  “Because. As much as your heart belongs to Ethan, my heart belongs to you. It always has and pieces of it always will.”

  That’s when I finally started to cry. I knew that I was going to be late for class. I knew that people were going to stare at the crazy girl on the couch crying. I knew that the conversations about class and the gossip about their friends would soon turn to curiosity about me and why I was crying. I just didn’t care.

  I cancelled Brad’s party via text. When my phone started to go off nonstop with questions of why, I turned it off. I didn’t want to explain why. I didn’t really even know why. He had canceled his party, not me. He had decided to bring turmoil into our relationship, not me. Was I just an innocent bystander or was this my fault entirely?

  I sent Brad a text saying Happy Birthday but I received no reply, not even a thank-you. The weekend came and went, and with finals week upon me, I was completely panicked. Ethan and I were speaking, but things were different. He wouldn’t talk about what had happened with Brad, and neither would I. We were both smart enough to know not to push it.

  I needed to talk to someone about all of it. My last conversation with Ella came to mind, and I just couldn’t shake the feeling that now was the time to hear everything that she had to say. I knew that whatever it was that I was not going to like it, but that I probably needed to hear it. How bad could it be? It’s not like it’s my fault that they broke up...is it?

  “Hey girl. What’s going on?”

  Her voice is refreshing. After all the drama that’s been going on in my life it was nice to hear someone in a good mood for a change.

  “Not much. Studying for finals.”

  “Oh. So this phone call has nothing to do with the fact that you and Brad are not speaking right now for reasons that I will refrain from rehashing.”

  Crap!

  I’m not
sure how she knows about all that when she lives so far away, but she does.

  “Maybe a little.”

  “Figures. So, what happened?”

  “Well, what have you heard already?”

  “All I heard was that you broke his heart, he got in a fight, ended up in jail, got out, and then got in a fight with Ethan. But that was all before he canceled his birthday party. Are you two talking again yet?”

  “Nope. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since the day he got out of jail. I sent him a message on his birthday and he never replied.”

  “I’m sure he’ll come around. He’s just hurt, Becca. I knew that he wouldn’t take the news of your engagement well.”

  “That’s only part of it. We’re also moving to England.”

  “Really? That’s awesome. When?”

  “After the holidays. Ethan starts his new job the first week of January.”

  “Oh. That quick, huh?”

  “Yeah. I don’t have a lot of time to get him to move past this.”

  “You don’t have enough time in the world, Becca. He will never move past this, past you. You don’t see that?”

  “I do. That’s the problem.” I take a deep breath, knowing that once I ask her that she will tell me what I need to know, and that breathing may become a small problem. “Ella, I need to know why you guys broke up. You told me last time we talked that I should know.”

  “You should. I never wanted to be the one to tell you, but I have a feeling that Brad still isn’t fully aware of why we broke up. Are you sure? Once I tell you this, you will never be able to erase it from your brain.”

  “Please. I need to know.”

  “Okay.” There was a long pause before she continued. It was almost like she was mentally preparing herself to relive everything. As hard as this was going to be on me, I’m sure it is going to be harder on her. “The last few weeks that we were together were amazing. They were so different than the months before that. It was almost like our relationship was new again. That excitement was back. I was actually looking forward to seeing him every day, counting the hours or minutes until I was able to rush home to him. It was amazing. Then, two days before we broke up, I realized why things had changed.”