Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

  “I would rather tell you this before you call him back.”

  “I know, and I would much rather have this conversation than the one I’m about to have. Brad, no matter what you say, no matter what happened, you have to know that I love you, and that our relationship is stronger that whatever it is you have to tell me. We will survive this, whatever it is. My fear right now is that I need to get back to the hospital, and the longer we talk about this, the less time I have to get there. Are you coming with me?”

  I could see his brain working overtime, contemplating whether or not he should come with me. “Yeah. I’ll drive so you can call him back.”

  We were in the car and on the road in minutes. I pulled up Morgan’s number and hit send. It took me three tries to actually hit the button I was shaking so badly. Either we were going to get good news or...well, I can’t think about the other option.

  It went straight to voicemail. I didn’t leave a message, and when I checked, he hadn’t left one for me. The signs were not good. Pulling into the hospital parking lot, I felt like I was going to be sick. Walking through the front entrance, I knew I was going to be sick.

  I darted down the hall and around the corner. With no bathroom in sight, I went for the closest trash can and threw up the little bit of dinner I had managed to eat. I didn’t feel better, but I had nothing left in me, so I was safe for a few minutes. I made my way back to the entrance to find Brad, and as I rounded the corner, I saw that Morgan had already found him.

  I couldn’t tell what was going on. Morgan had his back to me and Brad’s face was shielded by Morgan’s body. They were talking in hushed tones, and immediately halted their conversation when Brad saw me approaching.

  Morgan slowly turned around and that’s when I saw his face. I knew immediately that we had lost her. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying, and the remnants of his tears were still streaking down his face. I reached for the nearest wall and slowly slid to the floor. My friend, my confidant...gone.

  I brought my knees to my chest and rested my head on them. I was aware that I was crying. I was aware that Brad had settled next to me on the floor. I was even aware that there were people passing by, probably staring. What I wasn’t aware of was how empty I would feel. That’s how I felt, mind, body and soul. Empty.

  5

  I sat down in the front row, mom on one side of me and Brad on the other. They each held my hand as the pastor began to speak. I tried to tune in, to listen to what he was saying, but it was all a blur. The only thing I could think about was whether or not Ethan was in the church.

  Brad squeezed my hand and brought me back to reality, a reality that I didn’t want to live in right now. It was my turn to speak. I had promised Morgan and Natalie’s parents that I would give part of the eulogy. Why? Why had I done that to myself? I knew that there was no way to put into words the way we were all feeling.

  I opened my purse and pulled out my speech. I was about to close it when I caught sight of the envelope Morgan had given me at the hospital. It was from Natalie. I would recognize her handwriting anywhere. She had written me a letter. A letter I had yet to read. A letter I was scared to read. Which Natalie had written the letter?

  I stood and made my way to the podium. I locked my eyes on the pastors to avoid looking at Natalie. I knew that I would lose it if I looked at her again. I was holding on by a thread as it was, and if this speech didn’t break me, looking at her would.

  I cleared my throat and looked out at the massive crowd. I was looking for him, and I knew it. When I spotted him, I allowed our eyes to connect. I may not be his biggest fan right now, but he was going to help me get through this.

  “Natalie was one of the most vibrant people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She took hold of whatever she wanted and threw herself into head on. I never understood how she was able to do that. I never understood how fear was never a problem for her. It was almost as if she had no fear when it came to life. She only knew how to live.”

  I had to pause. I could feel my emotions creeping up on me. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks, and the only thing I could do to control them was stare at Ethan. 136

  “Natalie and I met when we were seventeen. Since then, we’ve shared a lot of ups and down. We’ve gotten each other through a lot of hard times. Most of all, we made a lot of great memories. That’s how I’m choosing to remember my friend today. I’m choosing to remember the good times we’ve shared, the small things that made her one of my best friends. I’m choosing to remember the late nights studying together, the afternoon coffee meetings on campus. I’m choosing to hold on to these memories and take them with me when I leave this church. Why you ask? There is one thing in life that is certain, and its death. Today, instead of mourning the death of my friend, I am choosing to celebrate her life, who she was, and how she lived. Natalie wouldn’t want us to shed tears of sorrow but tears of joy. She would want us to remember the good times and laugh. She would want us to go on living and that’s what we have to do.

  “Let’s keep Natalie’s vibrant spirit alive by celebrating who she was today. She would have wanted us to throw her a party, not a funeral, and if she was here to see us crying for her, she would scold each and every one of us.” That got a laugh from the audience. I knew it was true, and I knew that as brave as I was being that Natalie was probably looking down on me, scolding me for crying. “So, is there anyone else who would care to share a story about Natalie? Anyone who would like to say a few nice words about the vibrant woman that you had the pleasure of calling your friend?”

  It amazed me how many lives Natalie had touched in her short twenty-one years. Over the next thirty minutes or so, person after person went up and took a few minutes to remember Natalie by sharing their fondest memories or stories. Even Brad went up and said a few words which surprised me since I never really thought about him being close with Natalie. I guess his friendship with me had allowed a friendship to blossom between them.

  Morgan was the last to go, and I could see that it was hard on him, sharing the memories of the woman who was supposed to be his wife, bear his children, and grow old with him. I couldn’t imagine losing Brad, or Ethan for that matter. I couldn’t imagine losing anyone else right now. I was in enough pain, but the memories helped. Everyone sharing helped. Until Ethan approached the podium, I held onto that inner peace that had started to take over. In those few moments, it all came to a halt.

  “Did you know he was here? I never saw him come in.”

  I didn’t have any words. My voice had disappeared, and it was all I could do to remind myself to breathe. I nodded only once and turned back to Ethan who was staring right at me. I felt Brad reach for my hand, but when he realized that I couldn’t hold onto him right now, he released it and let it fall limply back into my lap.

  “Natalie and I have known each other for a long time. We even date once. As brief as that encounter was, it was meaningful, and she left a mark on my heart. She was a wonderful person, inside and out. She knew exactly what she wanted out of life, and she went for it. I admired that about her. Her tenacity to work hard until she got what she wanted, what she deserved.” He took a moment to let what he said sink in. Before he started to speak again, he turned and directed his attention to Morgan.

  “Morgan, you are one lucky man. You had the opportunity to fall in love with a wonderful woman, the opportunity to feel what it’s like to be loved completely, wholly and unconditionally. People spend a lifetime looking for that one person that completes them, and you found her in high school. You had the opportunity to love and cherish her for five years. You had the opportunity to feel what it was like to be consumed by someone so much that you weren’t quite sure where you ended and she began. It’s a love unlike any other and you had that. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that it had to end so soon or so abruptly.”

  I can see that Morgan is crying, sobbing. I know that Ethan’s words are not meant to hurt him, but they are a reminder of what
he’s lost, who he’s lost, and they are not bringing him the comfort that he needs right now. It’s time for Ethan to wrap things up. I think his speech may actually be making Morgan feel worse.

  “Now, I know all of this is hard for everyone to hear, but there is one more thing I need to share with all of you.” Crap! He’s not going to wrap it up. “Natalie sent me a letter a few weeks ago. She asked me to read this to all of you knowing that I could not deny her this one thing. So, here goes.”

  It feels like it takes forever for him to pull out the folded up paper from his jacket pocket. It feels like it takes hours for him to unfold it and press it flat enough for him to read. You can tell that it’s been read a number of times. From where I’m sitting, I can clearly see a few rips in the paper, and the many different creases that it has. My anxiety is creeping up. What was so important that Natalie had to have Ethan come here and read to all of us?

  Crap! Natalie is the reason that Ethan is here. Natalie must have contacted him or told someone to contact him. Natalie was responsible for his presence, and she wasn’t here for me to rely on or to yell at. Damn her!

  Dearest friends and family.

  I am having Ethan read this to you because I can no longer be with any of you. There are a few things that I need to get off my chest and I need for you all to listen very clearly to what I have to say. You kind of have to, right? You are at my funeral after all. If you’re here it’s because you cared about me and I cared about you. I was a very lucky woman in life. I was lucky enough to have friends and family like all of you. So I need for you all to do something for me. I need for all of you to stop crying, to help each other grieve quickly and then move on. There is no reason that life cannot move on without me because it will and it will happen quickly. Please don’t spend your time crying for me and let life pass you by.

  If you knew me at all you would know that I would be upset by that. I made it my life’s mission to enjoy each and every day and that’s what I need you to do for me, with each other. I have written many of you letters and I know that none of you have read them, except maybe one. Trust me when I say that you need to read those letters. They will help you. They are not good-bye letters. They were written with the intent of helping you move on after I was gone. If you didn’t receive a letter it wasn’t because I didn’t care, it was because I didn’t have enough time. Time is something we take for granted each and every day. If you learn anything from me and my short time on this Earth please learn this: there is no time like the present to start building your future.

  The future is just around the corner, and you need to be ready for it. I was. I was building my future with the most amazing man and the most amazing friends anyone could ask for—all of you. I love you all dearly. Remember the good times we had and carry me in your hearts always.

  Love—Natalie

  The church is silent. The only sounds that I could hear were the whimpers and sniffles. Natalie had always been great at silencing a room with her presence, and now she’s done it with her absence. I turn to look at Morgan. I’m pretty sure he’s about to break down. I can see his body is shaking. I can see the tears that are streaming down his face. I can see the loss, the emptiness. I can feel it too.

  Ethan folded his piece of paper back up and gracefully returned to his seat in the back of the room. He was so composed. It was almost as if nothing affected him. How could this not affect him? He just read Natalie’s last words to over a hundred people who are grieving for her, no matter how much she doesn’t want us to.

  That’s when it hit me. The paper was torn. It had been folded and unfolded a bunch of times. It looked like he had read and reread that letter a number of times. He had found a way to numb himself, and Natalie knew that he would be able to do that.

  The pastor gave directions to the cemetery and to Morgan and Natalie’s house for the luncheon after. This is where I parted ways with my best friend. I promised Morgan that I would handle the luncheon. I needed to get to their house and take care of the caterers. This was where I would say my good-byes to my best friend.

  The people filed out of the church, and the only ones left were the paul bearers and me. I asked for a moment alone to say my good-byes. I knew that this would be the last time that I would lay eyes on my friend. I made it quick, not really able to speak. I smoothed back her hair, laid my rose inside the casket with her, and shut the lid just as the pastor returned.

  Good-bye, dear friend.

  Chapter 15

  Walking into Morgan and Natalie’s alone immediately brought the flashback that I was fearing. It only lasted a second, but immediately, my eyes were drawn to the laundry room. This is where is all started. The day I found Natalie on the floor, in a small pool of her own blood. That was the beginning of the end.

  I forced myself into the kitchen. The caterers would be here in ten minutes, and I needed to at least start setting up some of the things that they brought last night. I pulled platters from the cupboards and the punch bowl from the pantry. I piled everything up high and moved into the dining room to set everything up on the table.

  I had asked Morgan to place the extension piece in the middle of the table, but he must have forgotten. I could see it leaning up against the wall in the living room. I set everything down carefully and went to retrieve it. Walking into the living room, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. The portrait.

  I had almost forgotten about it. When Natalie first got admitted to the hospital, I was too scared to come back and get the portrait. After a while, I forgot about it. Now, here, standing in the living room, facing the still-wrapped package, there was no getting away from it. I needed to clear it out of the living room, of the house, before people came, before Ethan saw it.

  I made quick work of placing the package in the front closet. I would take it with me when I left for the day, hours from now. There was no way I would be able to forget it. I could feel its presence as I set up the dining room table. I could feel its presence even after the caterers arrived and started setting out the food. I could feel its presence from the upstairs bathroom when I went to fix my makeup before the guests started to arrive. It was almost as if it was pulling me to it, begging me to open it.

  I reached in my purse to pull out some lipstick and saw the envelope from Natalie again. She had said that we needed to read them. She said that it would help us to move on. I knew that she was probably right. After all, she was the one I confided in the most. The one who I asked for advice from all the time. The one I shared those deep dark secrets with that I knew no one else would understand.

  I pulled out the envelope and broke the seal. My hands were shaking, not ready to read what her final words to me were going to be. I can only imagine the fear she was feeling, knowing that one day we might all be reading these letters. What do you say to someone to help them get over such a great loss?

  Becca,

  First off, please don’t be mad at me. I know that if you are reading this that I am gone and that means that you have seen Ethan. If you haven’t seen him yet because you read this before my funeral then you have to promise me that you will still go. You cannot deny me that.

  I figured that you would wait to read this, that you would put it off as long as possible. (I hope I’m right or else you are going to be real mad at me for planning all of this before I died.) Just remember that everything I am doing, I am doing out of love for you, Morgan, for everyone.

  Listen, I know that things are going to be difficult for you, for Morgan, for my family, for a number of people. I was awesome and everyone knew it. :) J/K You will all get through this. You will need to lean on each other, to hold each other up from time to time, but you will all get through this. I need for you to get through this because the thought of leaving all of you is hard enough on me. I need for you to remember the good times and keep my memory alive. Promise? Good.

  So, I don’t know how I can say this without making you angry at a dead person (me) but I am
going to try. Feel free to not speak to me (or my grave) for a few weeks if you don’t like what I have to say. I’ll still be looking down on you, watching and protecting that humungous heart of yours. Because it is, larger than you are even aware.

  Ethan loves you. You know this, I know this and he knows this. It’s not much of a secret to the rest of our friends either. You two need to talk. You need to lay out all your cards and tell him how you feel. I know that just the thought of being alone in a room with him scares you but if I didn’t think that it would solve all your problems then I wouldn’t be recommending it. Don’t waste any more time not being together. Life is way too short for that.

  Your package is still sitting where I left it, probably. I don’t remember much from the day this all started, but I do remember taking your delivery, sending you that text and leaving it by the couch. Knowing Morgan, he hasn’t moved a thing in the house since I came to the hospital.

  Morgan. I don’t even know what to say about him. He is my soul mate, like Ethan is yours. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and this is going to destroy his beautiful spirit for a while. I need for you to take care of him, to help him through this, to make sure that he moves on. I want him to lead a full life. I want him to find someone to spend his life with, to marry, to have children and grow old with. That was supposed to be me, but I’m not going to be available to take the job. I need for you to make sure that this happens.

  As for Brad, please don’t be mad at him either. I know that he has always had your best interests at heart and the fact that I made him call and tell Ethan that I was gone was not his choice. I made him do it because I knew that he could handle it, and I couldn’t let him go on pretending any more. You two are the best of friends, you make the best of friends, but you SUCK as a couple, and you are not meant to be a couple. I think you both know it and that you’re both scared to admit it to each other. Just be friends and nothing more. You can’t say that you never tried...it just didn’t work out. Be his friend and let him be yours. You both need a friend right now.