Double Bind

by Karen Bell

  ‘Hi girls,’ came the cheery greeting of the teacher. ‘I’m Cindy. Welcome to my class.’

  Adie and Mila’s jaws dropped.

  ‘I think we’re in the wrong class. Our class is with Pola.’

  Cindy laughed. ‘There is no Pola. I think you misread the sheet. It said Women’s only dance class – Pole, but stay. We’re just warming up and it’s really a fun class. Grab a pole each. You’ll fit right in’.

  Mila and Adie looked first at the poles and then at the array of women sixteen to sixty and in every shape and size.

  ‘What have you gotten us into?’ hissed Mila.

  ‘Ah I think I’ve gotten us into a story that we’re going to tell our grandchildren.’

  ‘I think I hate you right now, but I’ll let you know in an hour.’

  As the class of women began stretching on the floor and then against the poles, Mila was grateful that she’d maintained a daily exercise regime. Of course Robert had demanded it but she had needed no convincing. There hadn’t been a day of her life that Mila could remember without exercise. It was her stress relief and her sanity. She hadn’t exercised in public since she was a teenager but she was still able to do the splits in both directions and lay her chest along the floor. The chin up bar that she had convinced Robert to install had kept her core and her back strong.

  Now as she watched Cindy do some simple pull ups and turns Mila thought I can do this. It’s all the same principles really. Cindy began by teaching the class a few basic moves and lifts, and how to brace against the pole, demonstrating each manoeuvre before asking them to try it. Mila was thrilled that she had the upper body strength to lift herself with ease.

  The teacher then put a few moves together before turning on the music and counting them through a short routine. Her enthusiasm for the sport was contagious and her comments kept the class laughing. Mila was loving it. It was as though all her muscle memory from childhood gymnastics was working independently of her brain. Cindy walked around the class helping the students with their grips and posture.

  ‘You’ve done this before?’ she asked Mila as she corrected her leg position around the pole.

  ‘No but I did gym as a child,’ she answered, beaming with pride.

  ‘Well if we can get you to loosen up and feel the music, I’d say you’re a natural. Try channelling Beyonce or maybe your friend over there.’ Mila was momentarily deflated but not defeated as she stole a look across to the next pole where Adie was working it with abandon. Unlike Mila, Adie had no trouble loosening up. In fact she had all the style of a burlesque dancer but clearly lacked the arm strength to get herself off the floor for more than a split second. Adding to her handicap were those whopping breasts that just kept coming between her and the pole.

  They caught each other’s eye and cracked up laughing. When Cindy walked over to Adie she could be heard to say – ‘Now if only we could combine your sensuality with your friend’s strength and flexibility, we’d have one awesome pole dancer.’

  Mila made a concerted effort to roll her hips and feel the music but it had been a long time since she’d given herself up to any kind of freedom and she could feel a tension through her body that didn’t allow for fluidity. None-the-less, by the time the class finished, both girls were shattered, but smiling from ear to ear.

  Adie was breathless. ‘Oh my God, why did you let me pig out at breakfast? My arms and my stomach muscles have turned to jelly but that was so much fun.’

  ‘I can already feel the bruises forming under my arms and on my inner thighs,’ winced Mila.

  ‘You, you were unbelievable! You made climbing that pole look easy. Let’s do her class every day and maybe I can show Carlos some moves when I get home.’

  ‘You’re on, but I suspect that by tomorrow you may not be quite as keen.’

  The rest of the day was spent on an island visit followed by a late afternoon swim, another sumptuous dinner and another late night at the ship’s disco where the two girls got lost in the throng of over-aged disco groupies reliving John Travolta, Tina Turner and Madonna moments, many of which were famous when the girls were still children.

  Predictably, the next morning Adie woke with every muscle aching and quickly pulled the pin on dance class in preference for a massage and a lap around the deck. Mila was quietly disappointed not to continue where they’d left off, but Adie had gone ahead and booked a couples’ massage for them that had been included in their ticket deal and Mila was not about to be an ungracious guest.

  The closest Mila had ever come to a massage were the physio sessions that were par for the course when she was competing as a teen so she was happy to be put in the same room as Adie on side by side massage beds where she could follow Adie’s lead regarding what to take off – everything, and what to leave on - nothing but the towel provided. Adie folded a spare towel under her ribs to take some of the pressure off her breasts that were uncomfortably squashed and oozing over the edge of the massage bed.

  ‘They didn’t have F cups in mind when designing massage beds did they?’ she grimaced as she tried to get comfortable. ‘One day all massage beds will have three holes for women and two for men instead of just one to wedge your face in.’

  ‘If we keep eating at the rate we are, by the end of this holiday we’ll need another for our stomachs too.’ The two of them were lying face down with the strains of new age forest music bubbling in their ears by the time the therapists knocked.

  ‘Come in,’ they chorused in unison. Mila heard the door open and close and the gentle sounds of two people moving about and pouring aromatherapy oils into their hands before the heady scent of lavender and sandalwood wafted into her nostrils. She heard Adie’s massage therapist asking in dulcet tones if she had any preference for relaxation or therapeutic massage. Mila didn’t hear her reply because just then she felt the smooth, warm touch of her therapist running oiled hands down the line of her back from shoulders to hips in soft sweeping strokes.

  The masseuse had an expert touch and needed no guidance. Mila’s body began to relax as strong fingers expertly found the knots along her spine and worked along the lines of her muscles, applying just enough pressure to be effective without pain. Mila struggled to quiet her mind, distracted as she was by the sighs and low moans of pleasure emanating from Adie’s corner.

  Just as Mila was beginning to relax, her therapist asked if the pressure was how she liked it. She nearly leapt off the table at the sound of the voice – unmistakably deep, not a woman’s but a man’s. She felt her heart racing and a surge of adrenalin course through her limbs. As if sensing her shock, the therapist stopped what he was doing and laid his hands open and still on her back.

  ‘Is everything okay?’ he asked.

  Mila didn’t understand the panic that was suddenly rising in her body.

  Keep calm, she told herself. ‘I’m okay… sorry,’ she said aloud.

  He returned to what he was doing and Mila tried valiantly to switch off her brain, to will her heart to stop pounding and slow her breathing to normal. Just relax, listen to the music, she told herself over and over again. But as his hands travelled from her back to her buttocks, lowering the sheet bit by bit, Mila again felt a wave of panic rising. She had no control over what he was doing or how her body and mind were responding.

  What’s going on? Flashbacks to her past experiences in the basement were pounding her like mini explosions and Mila fought to suppress them. You’re on a cruise ship with your best friend a metre away. You’re not in any danger. Just breathe.

  She was momentarily relieved when the hands left her back and began to work on her feet and calves instead, but as they tracked up her legs, inevitably towards her thighs, Mila again felt a surge of panic so great she thought she might vomit. Suddenly she was off the table, towel in hand, grabbing at her clothes wildly. She could hear herself sobbing and crying out ‘I can’t, I can’t,’ but it was as if someone else was yelling it and she was a spectator to her own actions.

>   Adie too was up, as Mila threw open the door and hurtled down the small corridor to the toilets. Slamming a door shut and locking it behind her, Mila barely managed to open the toilet lid before heaving her breakfast and the previous night’s dinner into the bowl. She was gripped in a wave of nausea so fierce that she could barely catch her breath in between. Tears rolled down her cheeks and the acidity of bile burned her throat but still she couldn’t stop the gut wrenching spasms wracking her body.

  Adie called through the door but Mila couldn’t speak, let alone turn around. By now she had her hands braced against the walls of the cubicle and was bent over double, gasping for air between the sobs and the contractions that continued to violate her now empty stomach. Minutes passed, while Adie waited patiently outside the toilet door talking reassuringly to Mila, who was slowly calming down and eventually stopped heaving. Adie’s masseuse had come into the bathroom too, to check if they should call the ship’s doctor.

  ‘What do you want me to do honey?’ Adie asked through the door.

  ‘I…I think I just need to go back to the cabin and lie down for a while. Maybe I’ve eaten something at breakfast.’

  ‘Of course,’ agreed Adie.

  Now feeling cold, naked and dishevelled Mila wiped her face with the towel and proceeded to get dressed before finally emerging.

  The two of them walked silently back to the cabin and Adie phoned housekeeping for some chamomile tea bags. She brought a pillow and blanket from the bed and tucked Mila up on the sofa before sitting down on the edge herself.

  ‘So,’ she began gently ‘Do you want to tell me what really went on back there?’

  Mila didn’t know where to start. As terrifying as it was, she sensed that what had just been triggered, was barely a whisper of steam escaping from a pressure cooker loaded with a lifetime of traumatic memories. The lid had been locked and the temperature on high for so long, that even releasing it slightly could cause the whole thing to explode. She trusted Adie implicitly and so badly wanted to share with someone but there was a limit to what she could bear to think about, let alone divulge to someone else.

  As if reading her thoughts, Adie squeezed Mila’s hand ‘Why don’t we just start at the beginning. I guarantee you’ll feel better with whatever it is, off your chest.’

  Mila wrestled with herself, body exhausted but brain in panic mode. In the state she was in, she didn’t trust herself to reveal some of the truth without breaking down and telling Adie everything but she took a breath and began. One hour and many tears later Mila did feel a lot better, if not somewhat guilty for still keeping most of the sordid details to herself. She had been honest about the control that Robert had assumed and had revealed that sex was more often than not, unwanted and aggressive.

  She had been keen to explain why she hadn’t left the marriage and to emphasise that it hadn’t been all bad. What she did reveal was ugly enough to justify what had happened during the massage and Mila could see from Adie’s expression that she was shaken by the revelations.

  ‘I’m so sorry Mila that I wasn’t there for you and that I didn’t pick it. Robert always seemed so straight; so undemonstrative. I mean I never warmed to him and I knew he was possessive and demanding but I never would have suspected him of abuse. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it. I feel that I’ve really let you down.’

  Gauging her reaction, Mila was glad that Adie didn’t know the half of it. She had stopped just short of metaphorically prising open the door to the basement, and all that she would then have had to divulge. ‘No, it’s me who’s sorry. I would never have burdened you with all this if it weren’t for what happened today. Especially now that it’s over.’

  ‘And what if the female masseuse had walked over to your table today instead of mine? Would you ever have shared this with me?’

  ‘I wanted to, so many times but I didn’t want you to think less of me. And now that he’s gone… well there’s no point crying over spilt milk. Thanks to Robert I have Holly. How could I ever regret the union that gave me such a gift? And without Holly, you and I would never have met either, so already there is plenty to be grateful for. Even though I didn’t share this with you, our friendship has been a godsend many times over.’

  ‘How could this make me think less of you? I think you’re a hero the way you’ve coped with everything, teen pregnancy, the loss of your parents and now what I know about Robert. I couldn’t have carried on with half the dignity that you have.’ As affirming as Adie’s words were, Mila struggled to believe them. It had not been inner strength but sheer necessity that had carried her forward. And yet she had to admit that she’d glimpsed moments of light over the past few days.

  ‘I thought I’d never have a second chance at genuine happiness, but coming away with you has given me hope again.’

  ‘Well you should look forward to a fresh start now that it’s finally over, but be gentle with yourself. When you’ve had your trust broken so many times over, especially by someone who was meant to protect you, you can’t expect to get away without some pretty deep battle scars. We can work through this together but I need you to be honest with me from now on. Is that a deal?’

  ‘It’s a deal,’ repeated Mila, feeling intensely guilty about all she was still leaving unsaid.

  ‘Good. Then in the meantime, it sounds like what you need is a holiday.’

  ‘I couldn’t agree more.’

  The last four days of their cruise were a whirlwind of island hopping, eating, dance classes, eating, sunbaking, eating, clubbing, eating, New Year’s Eve celebrations, more eating. Mila honestly thought she’d eaten more in six days than in six years of her marriage. Miraculously she’d only put on a couple of kilos that she could well afford to gain. The pole dancing classes had left her with new muscles and new bruises and a desire to find a class locally that she and Adie could attend together.

  ‘I’m committing this trip to memory forever,’ she sighed, taking one final longing glance at the cruise ship before descending at the end of their holiday.

  ‘Ahoy,’ a voice sang out from the waiting crowd. It was Carlos waving frantically and pushing his way through to the front of the throng before sweeping Adie into his arms and attempting to envelope her in a passionate kiss. Adie wriggled to free herself and for the first time in Mila’s recollection, appeared a little embarrassed by the attention. Hurt, panned immediately across his features. ‘What’s wrong mi vida? I missed my girl. You were gone soooo long.’ Mila looked away but not before noticing Adie reassure him with a wink before whispering ‘later,’ breathily into his ear.

  What a different meaning there was to that word when uttered between loving partners. How that word had agitated Mila on the many occasions Robert had used it with a very different implication and promise of punishments to come. She understood that Adie was uncomfortable with the public display of affection in the light of what she now knew about Mila’s marriage but in all honesty there had never been a moment that Mila had begrudged the beautiful romance between her friends, so blatantly in contrast with her own. On the contrary, it gave her faith that relationships could be loving, playful, supportive and loyal. She needed to know that, to retain a shred of hope for the future.

  ‘You girls both look healthy and relaxed…you especially,’ he smiled warmly at Mila. ‘This small holiday agreed with you. I think you must have needed it very much no?’

  ‘Very much,’ Mila agreed. ‘And thank you both so much for your generosity. I’ve had the most wonderful time. I don’t need to tell you what a lucky man you are to spend your life with this amazing lady.’

  ‘After spending this week with a bitter, twisted, womanizing boss, I am more sure than ever of how lucky I am.’

  Carlos and Adie dropped Mila to her doorstep before heading home. They had offered to come in but Mila had breezily refused, assuring them she was absolutely fine and looking forward to catching up on all her jobs. In truth, she’d been trying to ignore the odd feeling of painfully-empty-meets-uncomfor
tably-full that had been tightening its grip on her stomach throughout the drive home. Truth be known, the house was too big for one, especially one with so many unpleasant memories for company. And she was most certainly dreading all the jobs that awaited her, but none more than returning to the room behind the basement.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  As she turned the key, Mila tried to shake off the feeling. It was late afternoon, but dark inside as she’d closed all the curtains before leaving. She walked through the dimly lit room to the first window. As soon as she opened the first set of curtains and turned around, she sensed something was out of order. At first, it wasn’t one particular thing, just a general awareness, but then she spotted the kitchen door ajar. Mila never left the door to the kitchen open.

  It was one of Robert’s pet peeves that he didn’t want to hear kitchen noise or smell kitchen smells while he was trying to relax in the living room. It was a habit that could not be easily kicked, having been a punishable misdemeanour instilled to a subconscious level over time. ‘Holly?’ she called out hopefully. No one but the two of them had keys to the house. Robert’s parents had never been given a set and there was no cleaner. Mila walked towards the kitchen door, heart already pounding. She opened it further and looked inside. She could see nothing out of place and began trying to compose rational arguments that didn’t include robbers, as to how the door may have come to be open.

  Turning again towards the entry, she went to collect to her travel bag, opening more curtains along the way. The answering machine light was blinking rapidly, telling her that there were about seven messages in total. Holly and her in-laws all knew her travel dates so Mila wondered who else would have called. She pressed the play button.