Sentinel c-5

by Jennifer L. Armentrout

  A sad look crossed his face as he shook his head. “You’re not. And you’ve got to let it out, Alex, or it will rot you from the inside.”

  My chest rose sharply. I was already rotten on the inside. “I’m trying.”

  “I know.” Aiden leaned forward, his eyes never leaving mine. “I’m sorry I doubted you this morning.”

  “Aiden—”

  He raised a hand. “Hear me out, okay? The last thing you needed when you woke up after something like that was to have me react that way. I know that didn’t help.”

  It wasn’t the choir-singing, romantic reunion I imagined, but I also understood. “My eyes…”

  “That’s not a good enough reason for how I acted.”

  “It’s not that big of a deal, Aiden, but I forgive you.”

  Aiden stared at me a moment longer and then sat back. His gaze drifted over my face and then to the sheared locks. I wanted to hide. “Come here,” he said gently.

  The coldness seeped into my chest, and I stayed in place, but the words burst out of me as if my mouth had been hijacked by inner Alex. “I look like Frankenstein.”

  “You’re beautiful.”

  “I look like Frankenstein with a beauty-school-dropout haircut.”

  Our eyes locked again. “You’ve never been more beautiful to me than you are right now.”

  “You need your eyes checked.”

  He smiled a little. “And you need your head examined.”

  I bit down on my lip.

  “Come here,” he said again, raising his hand.

  This time, I didn’t think about the numbness and the coldness in my chest. I pushed past them and forced my legs forward. In three uneven steps, my fingers curled around his.

  Aiden tugged me into his lap, fitting me against his chest so I could hear his heart thunder in his chest. His arms swept around me, holding me in place. A breath shuddered through him, and gods, I loved it when he held me like this.

  His lips brushed my forehead. “Agapi mou.”

  I smiled against his chest, and in the dark, I could almost pretend that everything was normal. And in that moment, I needed that. I really did.

  * * *

  Just as the sun began to crest the horizon, thousands of students, hundreds of staff members, and those who had sought refuge converged on the cemetery that rested beyond the dorms, nestled against the fortress-like wall surrounding the back of the Covenant.

  The cemetery was a lot like the one on Deity Island. Statues of the gods oversaw the massive mausoleums and graves, and hyacinths bloomed year-round. To me, those flowers had always served as a twisted reminder of what could happen if you were favored by a god.

  I wondered if there’d be a flower named after me one day. Alexandrias had a nice ring to it. Hopefully they would be beautiful, like a dense spike of vibrant red flowers, and not look like something you’d find growing up from a crack in the pavement.

  In death, a half and a pure were treated as equals, and like my mom had once said, it was the only time the two races would rest side by side. But things were still segregated amongst the living, even when there was no greater time than now for halfs and pures to come together as one.

  Pures took center stage, situated in front of the funeral pyres. It didn’t seem to matter that only one of the linen-wrapped bodies had belonged to a pure, and the other three bodies belonged to halfs. Ritual and law decreed that pures got first-row seating, and so they did. Behind the pure-blooded Council members, students, pure Guards and Sentinels, and civilians, stood the half-bloods. I knew they could barely see the pyres or hear the memorial speech being given by Diana and another Head Minister.

  Our group stood off to the left of the masses, there but separate. We had followed the somber procession through the campus just before dawn, and the eight of us had moved as a collective group to the side, as if we all agreed without words that we would be a part of this but would not separate into the class structure.

  One would think most of the eyes would be faced forward at a funeral, but they weren’t. A lot of people stared at our group, namely Aiden and me. Some of the stares were openly hostile. Others looked disgusted. Those looks came from the pures. The halfs just seemed shocked and awed.

  Aiden’s hand tightened around mine.

  I glanced up at him, and he gave me a faint smile. There was no way he didn’t know half the congregation was staring at us, but he held onto my hand. I think he knew I needed that connection.

  It was funny how things were so different. Before everything had happened, whenever Seth was around large groups of halfs, he got stared at in wonder.

  I got stared at because I was holding hands with a pure-blood. How messed up was that?

  Looking over the crowd, I caught the eye of a pure-blooded student. Pures looked just like halfs, but all of us had this gods-given, wonky ability of sensing the difference between the two. He stared at us like he wanted to rip my hand out of Aiden’s and then take a day’s worth of time to explain why we shouldn’t be holding hands.

  My eyes narrowed on him as I raised my free hand and scratched the bridge of my nose…with my middle finger.

  The pure’s head whipped forward. Back in the day, I probably would’ve been beaten for that, but I was the Apollyon, so I doubted he’d go tattle. And honestly, there were much bigger problems than a half and a pure being naughty.

  Tightening my grip on Aiden’s hand, I forced my gaze to the pyres. The words spoken were in ancient Greek, and for one of the first times in my life, it didn’t translate into “wha-wha-wha.” I understood the language, and the words were powerful and moving, prayers and accolades truly fit for those who’d died by Ares’ hand, but there was something missing. Not that Diana or the other minister was doing anything wrong. I didn’t understand it at first, but then I got it.

  What was missing…it was inside me.

  The words spoken meant something, and I felt the somber pall hanging over the campus. As the torches were placed along the foot of the pyres, I even thought about Lea and how she deserved this kind of burial, not a hastily dug grave out in the middle of nowhere. My chest ached for her and all those who were being mourned.

  I mourned.

  But while I felt these things, I really didn’t feel them. The sharp pang of grief, a feeling I’d become well familiar with over the past year, was numbed. When the orangey flames licked into the air and covered the bodies like blankets, I didn’t turn away like I always did. The finality of it was muted. There was this ball of coldness deep in my chest, sharp shards of ice in my veins, and every so often fear, spiked like the flames.

  Fear and pain were things I did feel—they were real, and tangible enough that I could taste them. Everything else was dulled, like I was disconnected and detached from the rest of the human scale of emotions, and I didn’t understand why.

  Realizing this caused that very fear to skyrocket, bringing along a nice little dose of anxiety, and it figured that, since fear and apprehension were like two peas in a messed-up pod, it made sense that if I felt one, I’d feel the other.

  My heart was pounding like a jackhammer and my palms were sweaty by the time the funeral was over and the sun was directly overhead. The crowd started to move back toward the campus. There’d be a feast in the memory of those who were lost, and most of group was attending it. Marcus had left to join Diana. Solos was chatting it up with Val, and Luke and Deacon were walking ahead with Olivia.

  Air sawed in and out of my lungs at an alarming rate, and I only became aware of how slowly we were walking because there was a good distance between us and the crowd ahead.

  The cord was spazzing out. Maybe it was reaction to my anxiety levels or something, but sights and sounds were amplified. The calls of the birds were shrill. Leaves rustled like a thousand papers crinkling. The sun was too bright, conversation from the mass of people too loud. Gods, the pressure came out of nowhere, clamping down on my chest—holy crap, it was hard to breathe—like someone had pu
t vise grips on me. A sharp, hot tingle swept up my spine and spread along my head.

  There was something definitely wrong with me, and it wasn’t of the panic attack variety. Running through my head on repeat was one thought: why couldn’t I really feel anything other than this? Where was the grief? Why did my chest feel empty and cold unless I was angry or scared? But last night, when I’d been in Aiden’s arms, the numbness hadn’t felt so bad, like the lid had been unscrewed just a bit more. And I was normally a pretty emotional person. In any given day, I experienced a hundred different things like I was trying ice cream flavors.

  This wasn’t right or normal, and it terrified me.

  I stopped suddenly, and so did Aiden. Holding onto my hand, he looked over his shoulder at me. “Alex?”

  My chest hurt. “I can’t feel anything.”

  Facing me fully, he cocked his head to the side, brows lowered. “What do you mean?”

  I placed my free hand on my chest. “I can’t feel anything in here.”

  Aiden started to let go of my hand, but I held on for dear life. “What’s happening?”

  “I don’t know.” I took a shallow breath. “I can’t feel anything except—except fear and pain. Everything else feels muted. I can’t cry—I didn’t even cry when I saw my mom.”

  Shock flickered across his striking face. “You saw your mom?”

  “See!” Panic dug in with rotten claws. “I didn’t even tell you about that, and I tell you everything. I haven’t even thought about it, not really. I’m like meh. Everything is meh.”

  Concern replaced the surprise as he shifted closer. “Do you think it’s Seth?”

  I shook my head so fast the choppy hair smacked my cheeks. “He’s not talking to me.”

  “But that doesn’t mean it’s not him,” he reasoned, and anger flashed among the concern.

  “It doesn’t make sense. What does he have to gain from doing this? Then again, does it have to make sense?” I pulled free then, tugging the hair back from my face. “What if I’m broken? What if this is how I’m always going to feel? What—”

  “Whoa. Slow down, Alex.” Aiden cupped my cheeks. “You’re not broken. You’re not going to always feel this way. You’ve been through some crazy stuff. It’s going to take time for you to process everything. Take a deep breath. Come on, just a deep breath. Inhale, and let it out slowly.”

  I gripped his wrists, barely able to get my fingers around them, and did what he said. “Okay. I’m breathing.”

  “Good.” The silver hue of his eyes was my entire world. “Keep breathing with me.”

  I kept breathing, but I also started moving. I don’t know why I did what I did next. Maybe it was because if I didn’t really feel this, I was screwed six ways from Sunday. Rising up on the tips of my toes, I kissed Aiden.

  Yeah, totally not appropriate after-funeral behavior.

  But I kissed him.

  I needed to feel something other than numbness, pain, and anger, if only for a little bit. And when Aiden kissed me, I’d always felt so many emotions I was dizzy from them.

  Aiden lifted his head slightly. “Did you feel that?”

  “Yes,” I breathed, shivering as our lips brushed.

  His lips curved into a one-sided smile. “I was kind of hoping you’d say you didn’t so I’d have a really good excuse to kiss you again.”

  My fingers dug into his arms. “You don’t need an excuse.”

  And I didn’t have to wait long. His lips were on mine again, an incredibly gentle sweep that sent another tremble through me. It was slow and soft, kicking my heart rate up. The tingling in the back of my neck resided and returned, spreading across my belly and lower, but it was a different sensation. I felt Aiden—I felt love in his arms, and I didn’t want to lose that feeling.

  Desperate to keep the numbness and colder, darker feelings at bay, I pressed against him, practically stepping on his shoes. He was so much taller than me, but we made it work. Well, Aiden did. The arm around my waist tightened, and I was lifted onto the tips of my toes. He supported most of my weight as I reached a hand up, threading my fingers through the hair resting against the nape of his neck. Heat swept through my veins; it felt like it had when Seth lent me his energy. Like I was opening my eyes again and coming alive. Glyphs rushed to the surface and spread across my skin.

  So all I needed to do was kiss Aiden to feel something real and good?

  Sign me up for that.

  But in the back of my mind, I knew that wasn’t normal, or right, or half a dozen other things. I ignored that annoying voice because, seriously, that voice wasn’t helping right now. I deepened the kiss, parting his lips and sweeping my tongue inside his mouth. A deep, sexy sound rose up from his chest, and his other hand wrapped around the back of my head.

  “Alex.” There was a soft warning in his voice.

  “What?”

  His head tilted to the side, causing his nose to brush mine. “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

  I almost laughed. “I know exactly what I’m doing.”

  “Gods…” Aiden cradled my cheek as he shifted my hips closer to his. My stomach dipped in such a pleasant way. “You’ve been through a lot. You’re still healing and—”

  “And what?”

  “I’m not perfect. I only have so much control.” His eyes were like heated quicksilver. “And if you keep kissing me like that, we won’t even make it somewhere private.”

  Oh, me likie the sound of that. “And there’s something wrong with that?”

  “No. Yes.” He pressed his forehead to mine, and the once-wonderful dipping motion suddenly twisted. “You’ve been—”

  “I’m okay. I’m better than okay when I’m like this with you.” A desperate edge rose to my voice as I clutched his arm. “I need this. I need you, Aiden. Please don’t—”

  Aiden’s mouth crashed into mine. Whatever I had said was like finding the map to a treasure. Bam. Right there. His kiss swept me up into a place where I wasn’t thinking. There was no Ares. No looming battle to plan for. No Seth. No pain or fear. All I felt was warmth and love and Aiden.

  All I felt was him.

  We made it into the closest building—the training center. Aiden opened the first door he found unlocked. A supply closet. It would work.

  Our gazes locked. His were like liquid pools of silver, and his chest rose sharply. “We need to talk about what you told me,” he said.

  “I know.”

  “But not right now.”

  A breath caught in my throat.

  In one powerful lunge, he was on me. Our mouths came together as he backed me up. My hip bumped into a cart. Folded white towels toppled to the floor. There was an ache in my bones, but a deeper one drove me to ignore the pain. “When you were in that room, I thought…” He kissed me again as his hands dropped to my hips. They trembled. “I thought I’d never have this with you again. Gods, Alex, I…”

  I brought out mouths together, silencing both our fears. Aiden’s fingers were tight on my waist as he lifted me up, placing me on the now-cleared cart. My heart skipped a beat as his lips trailed across my forehead and my cheek. There was a lot we should be doing, but at the moment, nothing seemed more important than this.

  We kissed like it was the last time we’d have the luxury of drinking each other in. My breath caught again. Coldness seeped into me like a chilly, rainy day. My insides numbed. The moment that thought formed, I realized how true it was. There was no promise of tomorrow or the next hour. Ares could find a way in. Seth could show up. Aiden could—

  “Hey, where’d you go?” Aiden asked softly, holding my cheeks with the tips of his fingers.

  When I didn’t answer, he brushed his lips over mine, coaxing them open with infinite patience. He pulled me back into the moment, away from the coldness building in my chest.

  He gently tilted my head back. “Stay with me. Okay? Stay with me.”

  I curled brittle-feeling fingers into the front of his shirt, grounding m
yself in the feel of him. His lips touched mine, pushing away the invading numbness. He tilted his head, deepening the kiss and—

  A shrill, eardrum-bursting alarm went off from somewhere within the campus, starting as a low hum that increased, causing Aiden and me to jerk apart.

  Sliding off the cart, I glanced up at the flashing red light above the doors. I recognized the sound, knew what it meant. My muscles tensed as my wide eyes met Aiden’s.

  There was a security breach, and just like at the Covenant in the Catskills, I knew this wasn’t a false alarm.

  We were under attack.

  CHAPTER 4

  Aiden flipped from sex god to warrior god in about two seconds flat while I just sort of stood there, rooted to the floor like one of the many statues outside. My lips still tingled in a pleasant sort of way, but the ball of ice was back in my chest, spreading like a winter storm.

  He spun toward me, dipping his head and kissing me quickly. “We’ll have to pick this back up later.”

  Then he started for the door.

  I forced myself to follow him out of the supply closet and down the empty hall. Sirens continued to scream, and the whole time all I could think was that Ares was back and trying to get past whatever wards Apollo had thrown down. It couldn’t be Seth, because I didn’t feel him.

  My steps were slow, but Aiden’s were long, purposeful strides. He was ready to face whatever waited outside. I wasn’t. In my chest, my heart was throwing itself against my ribs, and my palms were sweating again. The rush of nervous energy made me feel sick. An image of the shattered aquarium and the vibrant-colored fish flopping on the floor filled my head, followed by the sound of Ares’ cold, taunting laugh.

  I can’t do this again.

  Air punched from my lungs in an unsteady rush as Aiden pushed open the heavy double doors. I had to do this. Battle was what I’d prepared for, and as a Sentinel, we could be walking into a fight at any given moment. That was why two Covenant daggers were attached to Aiden’s legs, hanging from his black tactical pants. The same were secured to my thighs, their weight so familiar that I’d forgotten them.