Sentinel c-5

by Jennifer L. Armentrout

  There was another pause, and then his eyes opened. The bright amber glow startled me. “I’m sorry.”

  My chest tightened with pressure. “People are dead. People I loved. People I’ve never met, and for what?”

  “If I could go back and change it all, I would. I’d never take that post guarding Lucian,” he said quietly. “I would’ve gone AWOL if I’d known this was how it was going to play out, Alex.”

  My mouth opened as I shook my head. This Seth—this regretful, apologetic creature—was not the Seth I knew. “Your personality disorder is starting to show.”

  His lips tipped up in a wry grin. “Look who’s talking.”

  “You have no idea,” I muttered, and then louder, “Where did all of this go wrong, Seth?”

  “When I was born.”

  My shoulders tensed. “That’s not true, Seth.”

  “Actually, it is. You were supposed to be the First, Alex. All the Apollyons came from Apollo. I was created for this—for what Ares wanted. It was the same with Solaris and the First. So, yes, it’s true. Everything went wrong at that moment.” He laughed, but it was like all my laughs after Ares. There was no warmth behind it. “Hell, things went wrong hundreds of years ago when Ares decided he wanted to rule the world.”

  “No,” I said, swallowing. “You’ve always done what you wanted, Seth. And you didn’t know about any of this when we met. You made these decisions. You went—”

  “Have you ever tasted aether, Alex?” He flipped around so quickly that my heart thumped. Facing me, Seth gripped the bars until his knuckles bleached. “Not like how a daimon feeds, but to have so much aether in you that you could do anything you wanted and feel everything you never could before? Did you know that it feels like lightning in your blood? Have you experienced the taste of supreme and ultimate power? Have you?”

  I shook my head slowly.

  “Sure, Lucian promised me a lot of things, and so did Ares when I met him in the Catskills, but those promises were nothing in comparison to what it felt like once you had Awakened. It was like tapping into pure power.” A feverish glint brightened his eyes as they latched onto mine. “After that, I didn’t need their promises, because I knew—I knew I could get whatever I wanted, I had the power to do so. And that power…” He let go of the bars and rocked back. “There’s nothing like it, Alex. I became addicted to it, and it blinded me to everything else. It was my weakness. It is my weakness.”

  I didn’t say anything to that, because a part of me had always known the power wasn’t his strength.

  “You have no idea how hard it is to even be near you right now. The connection calls to me—your aether, everything.” He shot forward, wrapping his fingers around the bars once more. “It’s all I think about, and if I did manage to transfer your power to me, I don’t think even Ares could control me. It would all be over.”

  I lowered my gaze. “You’re better than that.”

  “I’m not, and you know that, so cut that shit out.” He laughed that cold laugh again. “But you are.”

  “I’m not better than you.”

  “You are,” he insisted quietly. He shifted, and I looked up. His forehead was resting against the bars. A haunted look crept into his face. “You are.”

  The back of my eyes burned. “In case you don’t remember, I shot a man in the head earlier just because I wanted to.”

  “He deserved it.”

  I flinched. “I didn’t feel a damn thing, Seth. Not an ounce of remorse or regret. Nothing. That’s…that’s not right.”

  “He deserved it, Alex. You have no idea what he was doing, what he abused with his power.” Our gazes locked, and he took a deep breath. “But I never wanted to see you do something like that. Maybe I did before, but after what Ares did to you? After seeing what I’ve done to you? I don’t want any of this. I want it to be over, and the only way we can finish this is if you take on the power of the First. You need to become the God Killer.”

  I gaped at him. There was no way he knew our plans.

  “It’s the only way to stop Ares, Alex.” His throat worked as he swallowed heavily. “And I can’t do it. If I take on that power, I can’t promise what I’d do. It has to be you, and I know it can be done. You have to—”

  “I know,” I cut him off as I scooted forward. “I know how to do it, Seth, but…”

  His lips parted. “But you can’t do it until it’s damn close to time—until we are face-to-face with that son of a bitch, because the longer the power is in you, the crazier you get. Trust me.”

  “I’m already crazy,” I whispered.

  “What?”

  I repeated myself, and I don’t know what made me admit what I said next. Maybe because, in a way, Seth and I were the same person whether I trusted him or not. “I’m not the right person to be doing any of this. There’s something wrong with me. Ever since I fought Ares, I haven’t been right. I don’t feel things the way I used to. I don’t feel anything half of the time. I froze in a fight, and I mean really froze. I thought I saw Ares earlier and pulled a gun on Aiden.”

  His brows rose. “What’s wrong with the last part?”

  My shoulders slumped.

  “Hey, I’m kidding. And I’m also curious why you’d do that. The sun rises and sets out of Aiden’s ass, according to you.”

  Nice imagery. “I thought…I thought he was Ares.”

  “Like you saw Ares in place of him?”

  I nodded numbly. “I don’t know if I can do any of this, and then there’s also this chance I could be…” I trailed off before I said too much and totally let my guard down.

  “You could be what?” he asked. When I didn’t answer, he turned sideways and settled down next to the bars. What, Alex?

  Having him switch to talking that way was always unnerving. I don’t know. I think…Aiden thinks I’m… I shook my head. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything.

  Seth stared at me so long I started to worry that he could read my thoughts. Then his eyes widened slightly. Are you…? A strangled sound came from his throat. “I can’t even think it. Are you pregnant?”

  Unable to confirm or deny, I said nothing, and that must’ve been answer enough because Seth swore under his breath. Squeezing my eyes shut, I dropped my head into my hands. My fingers curled into my hair, and the thin, raised scars on my face felt rough against my palms.

  Alex? His voice was a thready whisper, and then out loud, he said, “I’m sorry, Alex, for everything I had a part in.”

  I shook my head without lifting it or removing my hands. I was unsure of why he’d apologize after that. It wasn’t like he had anything to do with my potential babymaking shenanigans with Aiden. That was all us.

  We sat like that for a few minutes, neither of us speaking. I searched inside of me for…for something more than a twinge of sadness, an emotion beyond anger and confusion, anything more substantial than vast emptiness.

  There was nothing.

  Seth’s sigh shuttled through my thoughts. “I saw your father, Alex.”

  CHAPTER 9

  I didn’t think I heard Seth right at first.

  Slowly, I lifted my head and locked my gaze with his. “What?”

  “I saw your father when I was at the Catskills,” he repeated quietly. “Not before you Awakened. I didn’t see him when I was there at that time, but when we arrived about a month ago, he was there—is still there.”

  My mouth worked, but there was no sound. I scooted forward, coming closer to Seth than I probably should have. I drew in a breath, but it got stuck. “Did you…how is he?”

  “I didn’t talk with him, Alex, but he’s there with the other servants. The Elixir isn’t working, and he seems to be keeping them safe. He can’t leave. None of them can with Ares there.” He paused, and my heart dropped. “He appears to be okay, but Ares knows who he is, Alex.”

  I stared at him as those words sunk in. “But he’s okay for now?”

  For now. Seth reaffirmed silently. />
  Closing my eyes, I squirmed under the sudden pressure in my throat. And Ares knows he’s my father?

  “Yes.”

  “Does he have any plans to use him against me?” I asked, already knowing and fearing the answer.

  “I would like to give you the answer that would make it better.” There was a pause, and then I felt his fingers graze my arm. Electricity passed from his skin to mine, and my head jerked up. I backed out of his reach, watching the marks of the Apollyon glide up his arm and onto his neck. Seth pulled his arm back through the bars. “He will use any means necessary, Alex. He can’t get to you right now, but the moment he can, he will dangle your father in front of you.”

  I looked away, pressing my mouth closed until my jaw ached with the effort. I knew I wasn’t feeling everything I should be considering how much danger my father was in. I let out a ragged breath. “It’s not just me he’s going to come at. It’s you, too.”

  “I know.” Seth laughed dryly, and my gaze fell back to him. “But what does he have to hold over my head other than you?”

  And I got it then. Once Ares realized Seth was batting for the opposite side, he’d force Seth’s hand by forcing mine, and he’d use my father and everyone I cared about to make that happen.

  “Shit’s bleak, isn’t it?” Seth said.

  I huffed. “You have no idea.”

  “Then why are we doing this? Seriously? We could leave.”

  I pinned him with a look.

  He laughed again, and this time, he sounded more like himself. “You could bring St. Delphi along.”

  “I’m sure he’ll appreciate the invite.” Truth was, the idea of running away was tantalizing as hell. It wasn’t like I hadn’t considered it before, and we could hide for as long as we could, but it wasn’t right. “There’s enough of me left inside that knows I can’t do that.”

  Seth cocked his head against the bars but said nothing.

  “I especially can’t after what Ares did, but it’s more than that. There are so many innocent people who will end up enslaved by him or dead. I couldn’t live with myself.”

  “I could.”

  One side of my lips tipped up. “Of course.”

  There was a stretch of silence, and then he said, “You’re so different.”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  “It’s not because you’re crazy, but I know what you went through.”

  The muscles along my back tensed. “I wanted to die.” There. I said it out loud, and it sounded just as horrible as when I thought it.

  Seth lowered his gaze. “I know.”

  “Part of me wishes—”

  “Don’t say it.” Seth stood quickly and backed away from the bars. A niggle of shame rose like a weed, and he looked away. “I know you’re not going to let me out. It’s probably better if you don’t until we have a plan that we can act on immediately. It will make everyone else feel better.”

  “Would it make you feel better?” I pushed to my feet.

  Seth backed farther into the shadows of his cell. “It should make you feel better.”

  I was pretty sure I belonged in a cell, too, like the one Seth was in.

  “You don’t,” Seth said. I must’ve thought that at him. “You’re not crazy, Angel.”

  “Don’t call me that.”

  Seth didn’t respond. The conversation was obviously over. I lingered for another moment, unsure if there was anything else to say at this point. I ended up not saying anything as I turned around and headed toward the titanium door I’d left cracked open.

  One thing I knew for certain: Seth wasn’t going to trick us. And if he came after me, it would be like a daimon going for aether and for no other reason. It didn’t mean he was safe, but it was better than him working with Ares.

  Opening the door, I spied a lithe form leaning against the wall. It wasn’t Solos.

  Crap.

  I closed the door behind me, took a deep breath, and faced Aiden. Locks of dark hair fell over his forehead in uncontrollable waves. His hair was starting to curl like Deacon’s, and I favored that wilder look. Right now the edges of that hair brushed equally dark eyebrows—eyebrows that were currently slammed down. His lips were in a taut, tight line, and his eyes were a gunmetal gray. He was not a happy camper.

  “Hi?” I said lamely.

  The muscles in his folded arms rippled under the black shirt he wore. He was so still he was almost a part of the wall. “You left in the middle of the night.”

  I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “I did.”

  “Without saying a damn thing,” he added in voice that was too calm. I knew him well enough to know how misleading that was. I was entering the danger zone. “Especially after what happened between us? Did you stop and consider what I would think when I woke up and found you gone?”

  He had a point. “I’m sorry, but I’m okay.”

  “Obviously, you’re not okay.”

  I opened my mouth, thinking he was referencing the whole gun thing, but then I realized something else. Knots formed in my stomach. “How much did you hear?”

  Aiden unfolded his arms. “Enough.”

  My brain winced. Doesn’t sound possible, but it was. “Aiden—”

  “Hearing you say that you loved him was…well, there aren’t many words for that.”

  Heat rushed my face. “I said not in the same way I feel for you.”

  “Wait.” He held up his hand, silencing me. “For days I’ve been trying to get you to talk to me about everything. I figured you weren’t ready, so I haven’t pushed it, but then you leave me in the middle of the night to go talk to him.”

  Uh. Oh.

  “And then you tell him what’s going on in your head when you’ve barely told me anything?”

  Backed into the corner, I reacted the only way I knew how—the only way the old Alex, the Alex before Ares, would’ve reacted. “Maybe you shouldn’t have been eavesdropping.” The moment those words left my mouth, I wanted to drop kick myself in the face, because Aiden had a right to be pissed. “It’s rude,” I finished weakly.

  “Are you serious?” Aiden pushed off the wall, and his eyes flashed quicksilver. Double uh-ohs. “You went to him.”

  Whoa. Wait a second. “It’s not like that. I didn’t go, go to him.”

  “It’s not like that?” Aiden stopped directly in front of me. He lowered his chin, and his eyes flashed with anger. “You told him how you were feeling—what you haven’t been feeling—”

  “I’ve told you that!” My hands clenched into fists as my own anger surfaced like an old friend. Yes. I grabbed onto that anger. At least it meant I was feeling something.

  “You told him you wanted to die.” His voice broke on the last word, and the quick burst of anger inside me vanished. Pain poured into his expression, paling his face. “And I know you were about to say that part of you still wishes you had died that day.”

  I took a step back, wanting to deny that, but words left me and the shame came again, stronger this time. I wrapped my arms around my waist, trying to stop it from spreading. Aiden was the last person I’d wanted to know how weak I’d been—how weak I still was.

  “It kills me to know you think that.” A muscle ticked in his jaw as his gaze locked with mine. “Why wouldn’t you come to me with that?” He shook his head, his throat working. “Why would you go to him of all people? After everything he’s done?”

  “You don’t understand.” And he didn’t. No matter what, Seth and I were the same person. That didn’t mean he was all forgiven, but Seth knew what I’d been through without me telling him, and I never wanted to share that with Aiden. I knew I needed to tell him that, but the words wouldn’t come out.

  Aiden drew in a shallow breath. “You told him you thought you were pregnant.” He looked like I had stabbed him in a chest with a Covenant dagger. “How could you even trust him with something like that? What if he’s playing us? What if he takes that knowledge back to Ares?”

&nb
sp; “He’s not playing us.”

  His eyes widened as his stance shifted. “How can you be so sure, Alex? We all saw what Seth was like way before you did, and none of us had a connection with him. He has control over—”

  “He doesn’t have any control over me! I know he’s not playing us. I know.”

  “Maybe you’re right,” he said, the heat dying in his eyes. “But that’s not a risk I’m willing to take, and you didn’t stop to take that into consideration. You…” He stopped and looked away, thrusting his hand through his hair. “You didn’t take how I would feel into consideration.”

  “I…I’m sorry. It’s just…” I shook my head helplessly.

  He then did something I honestly couldn’t remember him ever doing to me before.

  Aiden walked away from me.

  * * *

  I went back to the room I was sharing with Aiden, but he wasn’t there, and by the time I’d drifted off to sleep waiting for him, he hadn’t returned. And when I woke up, there was no sign of him, but he had made an appearance at some point while I’d slept.

  The quilt that had been pushed down to the edge of the bed had been spread over me.

  I knew that wasn’t a white flag, and Aiden had every reason to be upset with me. I wished I had explained why I told Seth what I had. Not that I really believed Aiden would’ve been a hundred percent understanding, but it would’ve been better than apologizing or saying nothing.

  Or telling him not to eavesdrop.

  I pulled myself out of bed and took a quick shower. My empty stomach growled as I pulled on a pair of jeans and a shirt that belonged to Aiden. It swallowed me, but it smelled like him. Before I left the room, I scrubbed my hands down my face.

  I would find Aiden, and somehow I would make this up to him.

  Going to Seth had been wrong when I had been with the one person who had always been and always would be there for me. My intentions hadn’t been malicious or shady, but they still stung like a hundred bees. The only good thing to come from it was that I knew Seth wasn’t playing us.