“But…” I bite my lip. “You’re my father.”
“Well, you got half my genes.” He shrugs. “The better half, I think. But so what? I wasn’t much of a father to you. And I’m sorry for that, Noah. I’m really sorry. I just… I wanted to say that to you before it was too late.”
I don’t know what to say. I thought he’d be as pissed off at my mother as I am, but he isn’t. He thinks she was right. He thinks I was better off without him in my life.
And maybe I was. I remember those first ten years when he was around but not really. I could never count on him for anything. He barely seemed to know I existed. I kept getting my hopes up over and over…
My thoughts stray to Theo. Of all the times he kept Lily waiting. The look on her face when he blew her off yet again. Bailey’s anger mixed with a lack of surprise. This is what he does. This is what he’s like.
Did I make a mistake? I thought I was doing the best thing for Bailey and Lily, but…
“I know it’s a lot to ask,” my father’s voice interrupts my thoughts, “but I’m hoping we could… well, I know we’ll never have a normal father-son relationship, but maybe… do you think we could watch a Knicks game together sometime?”
I nod. “I think we could.”
He grins at me, showing off that one rotting tooth. I want to give him money to see a dentist, but I know I shouldn’t. “Hey, I gotta ask you,” he says.
“Yeah?”
“Can I see the…” He gestures at my legs. “You know.”
I laugh for the first time since I came in here. I pull up my pants legs to nearly my knees so he can see everything. He lets out a low whistle.
“Wow. What’ll they come up with next?”
Chapter 45: Bailey
I hardly sleep without Noah in the bed with me.
In college, when we slept in the same bed together, he used to kick me, and it sometimes kept me awake. Of course, he can’t do that anymore. Now the annoying thing he does in his sleep is he snores softly, especially if he’s had a drink. There are times when I’m trying to sleep and I have to shove him to get him to stop.
God, I miss his snoring.
I do eventually doze off around five in the morning, only to be shaken away by Lily. She’s standing over me, staring with her big brown eyes. The clock next to my bed says six-thirty.
“Mom, I’m hung,” Lily says.
That is Lily’s shorthand for saying she’s hungry. She doesn’t know the word has another meaning. Noah thinks it’s hilarious. Or at least, he used to.
“Just a minute,” I mumble into my pillow.
“Hung! Hung!” she cries.
If Noah were here, he’d already be awake and he’d get up with her. As if I needed one more reason to miss him.
Lily gives me a moment to pee before I have to make her breakfast. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it isn’t pretty. When I was fifteen, I could sob over a boy all night and look fine the next day. But now my eyes are really puffy and my nose is still swollen. Why does being in your thirties mean you can’t cry without looking like a monster the next day? When I’m my forties, it will take a week to look normal again after crying.
I wish I could make Lily some cereal and go back to sleep, but she’s as traumatized as I am by Noah leaving, so she makes me sit next to her on the couch. We cuddle together under a blanket, and eventually, I drift off again in the middle of an episode of Alvin and the Chipmunks where Alvin seems to be cross-dressing.
I jerk awake to the sound of the doorbell ringing. I rub my eyes. Noah? Is that Noah? Did he come back?
But no. Why would he ring the doorbell? He’s got a key.
I pad over to the door, my heart pounding, hoping it’s him even though I know it can’t be. I check the peephole and see Theo’s bald head.
Shit. I forgot he’s supposed to be picking Lily up this morning.
I throw open the door, remembering too late that I’m wearing nothing but an oversized T-shirt. Theo blinks a few times at the sight of me, then a smile spreads across his face. “Well, hello there, Bailey.”
“Let me change,” I mumble, pushing past him to scurry off to the bedroom.
I toss on a bra and a sweatshirt, and pair it with my most comfortable jeans. I run a quick brush through my hair, although I’m not entirely sure why I bother. When I come back, Theo is sitting on the couch with Lily. I want to scream at him to get off our couch, but I keep my mouth shut.
Theo lifts his eyes to look me over. “I liked you better before.”
I roll my eyes. “Thanks.”
He shifts on the couch. “Lily says Noah took off.”
I shoot Lily an accusing look. Why would she tell him that? Why? “It’s… temporary.”
“So it’s true then?” He gets to his feet and takes a step toward me. “The Boy Scout broke up with you?”
“It’s complicated,” I say, even though he’s got it exactly right.
“He did, didn’t he?” Theo shakes his head. “Holy shit.”
I turn my head away. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”
“You’re better off without him, Bailey.” Theo takes another step toward me. “You know that, right?”
“How?” I glare at him. “How am I better off without him?”
“Do I even have to tell you?” He snorts. “For starters, he could barely walk. He thought he knew everything—always had to be right. You don’t know what he was like in the ER. It was so irritating.” He takes another step in my direction and this time I step back. “Also, he was fucking one of the ER nurses.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
“It’s true,” he insists. “This little blond number named Claire. Real pretty, but on the old side.”
Claire. I know Claire, of course. She’s the charge nurse who Noah always says great things about. I’ve met her multiple times, and yes, she’s pretty. She looks like she was poured into her scrubs. But there’s an edge about her that I could imagine someone like Noah finding appealing.
Actually, I could totally see Noah hooking up with her.
“He’s probably with her right now,” Theo says.
“He’s not.”
“Yeah, well, where’s he staying then?”
I don’t know the answer to that question, which is very unsettling. Could he be with Claire? Could that be the reason why he suddenly up and left?
He works with her all the time. She’s his favorite nurse—he’s never said it, but I can tell. Maybe he confided in her because he thought I was sneaking around with Theo, and when she was comforting him…
A month ago, I would have said not a chance. But I never would have thought Noah would do what he did last night.
“You’re better off without him,” Theo says again. “I’m telling you, Bailey, this is the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
“Oh yeah? Why is that?”
He reaches out to take my hand. “Because now we can be a family again. You, me, and Lily.”
I yank my hand away from his. “I don’t want that.”
“Why not?” He frowns. “You see how I’ve changed. I’ve got a steady job. I’m on time for Lily. I even came to that stupid dance recital.”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry.”
He looks at me for a moment, his brow furrowed. “Fine. I can see it’s going to take some convincing. But I’m not going to give up that easily.”
The resolve in my ex-husband’s eyes is familiar. It’s even sexy—just a little bit. Would it be possible to fall back in love with him after everything that’s happened between us? Could I ever consider marrying this man again?
The answer is yes. I could.
If I hadn’t met Noah.
Now that Noah is back in my life, no other man could compare. No other man could make me happy. Theo could never compare. He could never make me feel the way Noah does. I will always be comparing, and Theo will always come up short.
But Noah hasn’t chosen me. He’s made
a decision to exclude me from his life.
God, I wonder if he’s with Claire. I feel sick.
“You don’t have to decide anything now,” Theo says. “But maybe tonight you’ll meet me at Mickey’s. Nine o’clock.”
“Mickey’s?” Mickey’s is a bar in the village that we used to frequent a lot in our pre-Lily days. “Where is Lily going to be? You can’t take her there.”
“My mother is going to watch her.” He shrugs, like it’s no big deal at all that he’s leaving Lily with another person on one of his few nights with her. But I suppose she’ll enjoy a night with her Grandma Sue.
“Why are you going to Mickey’s though?” I ask.
Theo’s face lights up. “That’s the best part. Mickey’s is paying us to play at the bar.”
My stomach sinks. I thought I couldn’t feel any worse after Noah walked out on me, but here it is. “You told me the band broke up.”
“Bailey, do you understand what I’m telling you?” He throws his hands up in the air. “We got a regular paying gig! If this pans out, I can quit that shitty hospital job.”
“Yes, but…” I don’t want to sound like a broken record. “You told me the band broke up.”
Not just that, but he promised the band would break up.
“Everything’s different now though.” He grins at me. “It’s because of my new look. I gotta thank Walsh for that one—he’s the one who insisted I cut my hair before he’d recommend me for a job. Anyway, the chicks dig it big time. And they’re my fan base.”
“Wonderful,” I mutter.
“It’s not too late for me to make it as a musician.” He gets that wistful look in his eyes that I’ve grown to hate. “I mean, if you were trying to make it, I mean… no way. But for a man, it’s never too late. You got the right look, you can make it at any age.”
Well, it’s good to know I’m well past my prime. “I just feel like you promised you were going to quit the band so you could be around more for Lily, and now you’re going back on that promise.”
He squints at me. “And I feel like you’re not getting how big an opportunity this is for me.”
“Guess not.”
We stare at each other. It would be so easy to get back together with Theo—he wants it, and it would make us a family again. But even if he’s made small changes, he’s still the same guy I married then later divorced.
He’s not The One.
Noah is The One if there ever was one. But I have no idea if that ship has sailed.
Chapter 46: Noah
There’s nothing good about living in a hotel.
I don’t even enjoy the linen being changed every day, because Bailey does that anyway most days at home. And the room service doesn’t compare to Bailey’s cooking. Of course, I’m not a bad cook myself either.
I got a call from the hotel management, asking me if I’d like to partake in a massage. It’s not a terrible idea—I’ve been sleeping so awful that every muscle in my body is achy—but I don’t want to have to explain to a masseuse the whole double amputee thing. Sometimes it’s funny to see people’s reactions, but right now, I’m not in the mood.
I’ve got a shift today starting in the early afternoon. I’m looking forward to it because it will get my mind off my personal life. Ever since I met with my father yesterday, I can’t stop thinking about Bailey and whether or not I made the right decision. I love her. Maybe Theo loves her too, but I think I’d be a better husband. I don’t know what the hell to do.
Then again, it’s too late. I doubt she’d take me back.
I wonder if Theo already made his move.
At around eleven in the morning, my phone buzzes with a text. My heart leaps, hoping it’s Bailey. If she says anything encouraging, I’m going to get her back. That’s how I’ll decide.
But it isn’t Bailey. It’s Claire.
Hanging in there?
I stare at the screen for a moment before writing back: Barely.
You’ve got a shift this afternoon, right?
Yep.
Want to grab lunch?
I hesitate. I don’t feel like being social now, but it’s not like that with Claire. I’ve known her for years, and I don’t have to be “on” when I’m around her. I can vent to her about Bailey and share my misgivings about the whole thing. She’ll listen.
So I wrote back: Sure.
An hour later, I’m sliding across from Claire at a booth at a bistro a few blocks away from the hospital. I’m dressed in my scrubs, but she isn’t. She’s wearing a fitted blue top that makes her eyes look very blue. I never even realized she had blue eyes before. It also makes her boobs look great, but that’s the least of my concerns right now.
Claire gives me a funny look when I sit down. “Let me guess,” I say. “I look like shit, right?”
“Well,” she says, “you look tired.”
She slides a menu across the table at me. “Order something that will make you feel better.”
“I can’t.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Seriously? You work out all the time. You can spare a few calories.”
“I don’t work out all the time.” I roll my eyes. “And anyway, my cholesterol is shit. I’m gonna be one of those guys who comes in clutching his chest in ten years if I’m not careful.”
“So what? Just carry around some nitro pills.”
I manage a laugh. “That’s your answer to everything.”
“Okay, if you’re not going to order a big fat greasy cheeseburger, at least get something with a lot of alcohol.”
“Uh, you know I’ve got a shift coming up.”
A smile plays on her lips. “You’re no fun, Noah.”
Noah. She’s calling me by my name finally. A small win.
I lean forward and rub my temples with my fingers. “I can’t stop thinking about Bailey. I think I fucked up. I never should have broken up with her.”
Claire blinks a few times. “You really feel that way?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“But you remember why you did it, right?” She gets up from her side of the booth and slides into my side. She smells good, like flowers—it must be her shampoo. “You wanted Lily to grow up with her own father in the house. You didn’t want to break up the family.”
“Right.” I sigh. “I know. I just…”
I’m being selfish. But I can’t stop thinking about Bailey.
Claire holds my eyes with hers. “It was the right thing to do.”
“Maybe,” I mumble.
“Definitely.”
A waiter comes to our table to take our drink orders. Claire gets a glass of white wine. I ask for a water, but she says, “He’ll have the same.”
“Claire,” I murmur. “I’ve got to work.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Noah. It’s one drink.”
Yeah, but it’s not like I’m a computer programmer or something where I can operate with a fuzzy brain. I’m not touching that drink.
By the time our drinks come, Claire has managed to distract me by telling me some work gossip. One of the nurse’s aides was caught making out with a physician’s assistant in an empty patient room two nights ago. It’s a huge deal because the PA is married with two little kids at home. The ER has more drama than any soap opera. They ought to make a show about an ER or something.
Oh wait, there was a show like that, wasn’t there? Shit, my brain is off.
She takes a big gulp of her wine and smiles at me. I still won’t touch my drink. “Feeling better?”
“Yeah. A little.”
“Good.” She winks at me. “I can always cheer you up.”
She’s still on the same side of the booth as me. I’d slid over to make room for her, but now she’s slid closer to me, and there’s nowhere for me to go. She’s really close to me. Close enough that I can see the mascara slightly caked on her right eyelashes.
“I bet,” she says in a low voice, “I can make you forget all about Bailey.”
The look on her fac
e is unmistakable.
“Claire,” I gasp.
“Listen to me, Noah.” She rests a hand on my forearm. I’m too stunned to shake her off. “I’m the one who fucked up. When you asked me to dinner all those years ago, I freaked out because I had just gotten out of a relationship with a douchebag doctor who did a number on my head, and I figured you’d be the same way. I’ve been regretting it ever since.”
My heart is slamming in my chest. “I don’t know what to say…”
“I made a huge mistake.” She shakes her head. “The more I got to know you, I realized you were the greatest guy I’d ever met. Smart, considerate, funny, and… well, sexy as hell.” She heaves a sigh. “I was working up to telling you how I felt, but then you met Bailey and all of a sudden, you were just… gone. Like, instantly.”
“I was in love with her…”
“And I was in love with you.” Her hand slides down my arm, covering my hand. “I am in love with you. I’ve barely dated in the last two years because I can’t stop thinking about you. No other guy can live up. I mean, you have to admit, we’re perfect for each other.”
It’s funny because I had so much trouble shaking my crush on Claire. It took a while. And if the week before Bailey came back into my life, she’d said all this to me, I would have dragged her into the on-call room (or an empty patient room) and screwed her brains out.
But it’s too late. There’s only one woman I can think about anymore.
I shake her hand off mine and edge away from her best I can in the small space. “I’m sorry, Claire. I just can’t… not now.”
Maybe not ever.
She narrows her eyes at me. “Why are you so hung up on her? I told you—she’s better off with her ex.”
I look at Claire’s face, at the fine lines around her eyes. “Why do you keep saying that? Did you want me to break up with her?”
“No! I meant it.”
My jaw tightens. “I’m not so sure you did.”
“I just think Bailey isn’t right for you.”
I don’t want to be here anymore. I always liked and respected Claire, but it looks like I misjudged her. I look at her, blocking the exit to the booth. “Get up. I want to leave.”
“Noah…”
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