Totally Charmed

by Crusie, Jennifer, Wilson, Leah

  * * *

  C. J. BARRY

  * * *

  C. J. Barry approached Charmed like a research project, determined to take random samplings and analyze its appeal with a clear and rational mind. Then the sisters had to blast Cole for the good of humanity, and Phoebe sobbed, and so did C. J. . . .

  IT’S TRUE. I had never watched an episode of Charmed before. Honest. I’m a writer. I take care of my family, I have a day job and at night, I write. Somehow in the past seven years, I have managed to miss this show that reruns daily. Not even a magical glimmer that it existed.

  So naturally when I was invited to write an essay, I jumped on it. There simply aren’t a lot of virgin opportunities left for a forty-three-year-old woman with kids. Besides, how difficult could it be to wrap my writer brain around a TV show?

  But I wondered, why an anthology about Charmed? What was the attraction? What was that magic spark that made this series worthy? We virgins are a cautious lot. After all, that’s why we’re virgins in the first place. I’m not giving up my vestal status without serious persuasion.

  So before venturing into the unknown, I attacked this project like any other—analytically and objectively with research and hands-on experience.

  Phase One: Research

  Google pulled up 147,000 hits on “Charmed TV sisters.” Yikes. I hope my brain is up to this, I thought. I hit the first few pages and discovered that Charmed is about three Halliwell sisters—the Charmed Ones—witches with supernatural powers who fight evil and save innocents. Being one of three sisters myself, I was intrigued by the sisterhood. Of course, my sisters and I aren’t quite as photogenic as the TV versions. Don’t tell them I said that.

  Cast of Characters

  Piper Halliwell: Levelheaded and super cool under pressure. Able to blow things up and freeze time, a power I envy, especially at deadline. And she’s beautiful.

  Phoebe Halliwell: An empath who gets random premonitions, writes magic spells and, on occasion, levitates. Her powers seem a bit on the quiet side, but she makes up for it in spunk and kickboxing skills. And she’s gorgeous.

  Prue Halliwell: Starred in seasons one to three before being replaced by Paige. She wielded telekinetic and astral projection powers. And she was stunning.

  Paige Matthews: Long-lost half-sister, conveniently discovered after Prue is killed, thereby keeping the Power of Three intact. Possesses her own telekinetic and teleportation abilities. And she’s, well, you know.

  In addition, Piper’s lover/hubby/ex Leo Wyatt is a Whitelighter. He’s cute as a button—and has healing powers. Phoebe has apparently been busy with several men depending on the show’s year, the biggest and baddest being a demon-turned-lover-turned-demon (aren’t they all, really?) named Cole Turner, a.k.a. Belthazor, a.k.a. the Source. Finally, there’s a token mortal in the mix named Inspector Darryl Morris who keeps those pesky humans at bay.

  The Fans

  Let’s just say, there are a whole lot of them. One report I found said approximately 5.3 million viewers an episode. 5.3 million. Holy smokes.

  Then I hit the WB Web site to the Charmed page. By the time I’d drilled down in to all the ancillary pages, I realized that this show is a veritable empire.

  Magazine: Six issues a year chock full of everyone’s favorite witches.

  E-cards: Send them to your favorite Charmed fan.

  Online game: I spent a good hour playing drop the magic potion bottle.

  Downloads: All the posters, desktops, calendars and skins you could want. I had to chuckle at the “locker poster.” There’s a hint of a demographic if I ever saw one.

  Music: I didn’t think I’d recognize anyone on this list, which speaks of my own demographic. But to my surprise, there are a lot of my choice artists here. Some oldies, some newbies—a real eclectic mix. At least I knew, when I started watching, that I’d like the songs.

  Shop: More merchandise than you can shake a magic wand at. The music, DVDs (first season) and books.

  Message Board: This was my most interesting stop. 166 pages of messages that ranged from “Which witch is the hottest?” to “Are there any guys who watch the show?” to my personal favorite, “How old is everyone who watches Charmed?” The average age was around seventeen. Perhaps the real question should have been “How old is everyone who posts to the Charmed message board?” There was a great deal of discussion over Prue and her untimely demise from the show. I was tempted to post something along the lines of “What’s so great about Prue?” but I didn’t want to bring down the servers.

  As any good PR person knows, it’s all about the demographics. Yes, there might be 5.3 million seventeen-year-olds out there that tune in on Sunday nights, but I suspected the actual viewership was more widespread than that. So who really watched this show? As it turned out, most of my friends, family, co-workers—even my mom! Had every person in the universe heard of this show except me?

  At work, I asked one woman about it and the gal in the next cubicle heard me. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by fans of the show all talking at once:

  “I like the world of witches and magic.” —forty-eight-year-old female

  “Alyssa Milano’s bare midriff.” —thirty-one-year-old male

  “The sisters are great. I was pissed when Shannen Doherty was killed off and replaced.” —thirty-six-year-old female

  “They give witches a good name. For a change.” —forty-two-yearold female

  “It is cool to see three young women kick demon butt each week!” —thirty-five-year-old female

  I’ve worked with these people for twenty-two years. Who knew? The amazing thing was watching everyone’s eyes light up when they talked about the show. It was like Christmas for grown-ups.

  Okay, okay, I admit that I was curious. I was even more determined to uncover the appeal of Charmed. And so, the virgin went forth.

  Phase Two: Viewing

  I checked the TV listings. Whoa, the show played two to three times a day on TNT. That’s a lot. Was it that good? Did it have cheap syndication rights? What would make anyone want to watch a show three times a day, or, at least, what would make some TV exec think they would? And it’s billed as a supernatural drama. A drama? Hmm. . . .

  “A Paige from the Past” (4-10)

  Paige travels back in time to find out whether or not she caused her adoptive parents’ deaths in a fiery crash. In the meantime, Piper is busy chasing down ghosts who have possessed Phoebe and Cole to go on a mad matrimonial crime spree.

  Guilt-ridden after watching a car explosion, Paige was persuaded to face her past and popped through a magic door to emerge, braces and all, in her bedroom. Of course, the whole time I was thinking, “She’s only, like, twenty, so just how far back in time are we talking here? Five years?” If it were me, I’d go back to 1986 and buy Microsoft stock.

  I was still chuckling over that when her father, who would die later that day, showed up and along with him the inevitable parent-teenager growing pains.

  While watching Paige struggle to convince her parents that she is/was a good person amidst the added tribulations of being a teen, I stopped laughing. I had been there once. Granted, it was a long time ago, but I still carry the guilt of tormenting my parents at that age. When her parents told her that they knew she wasn’t a screw-up, and that their biggest fear was that she was lost and wouldn’t find her way, I started tearing up. And by the time they were dead (again), and she was back home troubled that they would never know the good person she’d turned out to be thanks to them, I was sobbing.

  What is wrong with this picture? I wasn’t ready for that. Nothing in the research told me that there would be tears. No fair.

  CHARM SPEAK

  Demons: Your basic ghouls, goblins, seers, trolls, ghosts, Darklighters, Furies, grimlocks and other evil villain types. Team: Evil.

  Vanquish: To banish said demon to the Netherworld, never to return unless some other demon unleashes it by accident or for his/her own nefarious gain. Obviously
the Netherworld is not as secure as it should be.

  WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY?

  Never say never: As in, “We’ll never see that demon again.” Don’t count on it. Demons are kinda like bad pennies that way, and when you least expect it, POOF, there they are again to utter dreadful one-liners.

  Best line

  PHOEBE: Can you take me back to meet John Lennon?

  Second-best line

  PAIGE: They’ll never know what good parents they were. (Sniff.)

  “Once Upon A Time” (3-3)

  Broken-hearted and bitter, Piper renounces her evil-bashing ways while her sisters must find their inner child in order to battle nasty trolls.

  This episode starred Shannen Doherty as the older sister and pre-hubby Leo, who’s been put off-limits by the powers that be (i.e., the Elders). But the real stars here were the fairies and the trolls and the idea of innocence lost. It was a kind of a preschool good versus evil plot. I laughed over the troll/fairy lines as well as Prue and Phoebe each getting in touch with her inner child, dodging doorways and trying to drag an on-strike Piper along.

  And then there was Cole as his demon half, Belthazor. Maybe it’s a bad-boy complex but, even with shades of Darth Maul, I think he’s hot. Now I understand why he kept switching back to a demon—probably from all the female viewer fan mail.

  It was good light stuff until Piper had to go and give up true love with Leo for the betterment of mankind. Then I dug out my tissues again.

  CHARM SPEAK

  Whitelighters: Magic fingers, ladies. That’s all I have to say about that.

  Elders: A bunch of old guys who like to mess with the world for kicks. Team: Good.

  WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY?

  Do a background check on every guy you date: Let’s say you meet a really cute guy, and then one night under the stars he reveals that he’s a demon. Wouldn’t that just tick you off? Save yourself the trouble and look for evil ancestors before you pledge eternal love.

  Best line

  PRUE: Do you think the trolls know about doorbells?

  Second-best line

  PIPER: The first troll I see is in really big trouble. Let’s go.

  “All Halliwell’s Eve” (3-4)

  On Halloween, the three sisters are pulled back to the 1600s to save their infant ancestor from an evil witch. Confused yet? Keep reading.

  It was Halloween and the sisters were dressed as—what else?—witches! I particularly liked Piper’s Glinda costume and hoped that she would do it justice. I always felt it was pretty catty of Glinda to not tell Dorothy about the red shoes, forcing her to face flying monkeys and melt evil witches instead, but that’s another anthology.

  When the two Uncle Fester–wannabe demons showed up at the front door, the sisters were sucked through a time portal, costumes and all. Where to? 1670 Virginia, of course. Where else would three witches get time-traveled to on Halloween? Okay, I thought it should have been Salem too, but nobody asked me.

  Surprise! Cole was evil again and sporting long hair even. I was happy! Who can resist a man with the Underworld at his fingertips?

  Unfortunately, the Charmed Ones had lost their powers because they didn’t exist yet. But if they didn’t exist, then how could they remember who they were? And if they weren’t there to save the baby in the first place, then how did they get here in our time? You see why I don’t write time travels. They make me crazy. Anyway, the sisters had to learn “real” witchcraft to save themselves and their future ancestor.

  So out came the cornhusk dolls, carved pumpkins, pointy hats and broomsticks. I’m no expert on Wicca, but I really enjoyed this segment and was impressed by how they tied it into our modern Halloween elements. After they were captured, the girls were executed by hanging instead of burning at the stake. That much I know to be true. Hooray for historical accuracy!

  They saved the baby by using their newfound skill set, which included Phoebe riding a broomstick across a full moon and fulfilling every witch’s worst stereotype. Even so, I loved this one. A scattering of history, a smattering of legend and Hallowed lore. Fun and educational at the same time. You don’t see that every day on cable.

  CHARM SPEAK

  Book of Shadows: An old book that contains the answers to those difficult witch questions. More coveted than the Internet.

  Vision: A premonition, usually something that proves helpful later on in the story.

  WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY?

  Install a security camera at your front door: Nothing will ruin a perfectly good day like opening the door to find a demon hell-bent on killing you.

  Best line

  PHOEBE: Eternally Elvira, yecch.

  Second-best line

  PHOEBE: Don’t tell me we’ve time traveled again. I hate time traveling. (I hear ya.)

  “Long Live the Queen” (4-20)

  Although Phoebe accepts the Evil Queen crown, she finds herself torn between her love for Cole and her old demon-bashing ways.

  Ah true love, you never know where it will take you. In this episode, it took Phoebe to the cradle of Evildom—the Underworld. It was worth the price of admission alone to watch a pregnancy-induced, hormone-rampaging Phoebe terrorize demons. Don’t we all feel that way during pregnancy? But she actually got to vent hers. It is good to be Queen.

  But the real story was the lure of the Dark Side. Face it, it’s more fun to be bad. You never see villains complaining that they’re unhappy or bored, and you can’t tell me that Phoebe wasn’t having a ball zapping demons and pain-in-the-butt bosses. Eventually her good side prevailed, but it was fun while it lasted.

  The best character this entire episode was Cole. How can you not love a guy who juggles mutinous demons, an unstable pregnant wife, a really obnoxious Seer and a psychopathic human side?

  At the base of it all was the old classic: Good versus Evil. Would love be stronger than evil? In Cole’s case, it was a constant internal battle that would put Jekyll and Hyde to shame. Of all the characters, he was the most complicated, vacillating between good and evil, unable to make the jump to either side. Ultimately, Phoebe was able to make a choice where Cole could not, one that even Cole understood. I don’t know many men who would profess their undying love while being torched like a demon-kabob. But there was no other option. Love and Evil don’t mix well. As the Seer noted, “It is not in the nature of Good to compromise.”

  The real killer though, was the final scene. No words. Just Piper and Paige comforting a heartbroken Phoebe. Sisters don’t need words when it comes to pain. They’ve seen every emotion possible. It’s part of the sister gig; we understand and embrace that.

  I cried my eyes out. And then I called my sisters.

  CHARM SPEAK

  The Source: As in, Of All Evil. Very bad dude. Captain of the Evil Team.

  Innocents: You and me. The little people.

  WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY?

  Use your powers for good: No one likes a bad witch. So if you are suddenly given dark supernatural powers, be nice to the rest of us.

  Best Line

  PIPER: Uh, Phoebe, you’re evil. You’re like the queen of all evil, literally.

  Second-best Line

  COLE: I will always love you. (Sigh.)

  “Witchness Protection” (7-10)

  Fast-forward a whole bunch of years. Piper and Leo are married with kids and experiencing that whole family insanity thing. (Just wait until soccer kicks in.) Leo ruins the family photo to save a half-dressed Seer that doesn’t look like any demon I’ve ever seen, and then things get a little crazy after that. The Seer is trying to switch teams, which is apparently frowned upon by the demon code.

  The Seer and Phoebe hit it off on the fashion level, bringing the lighter moments to the episode. And then Q showed up! I wondered whatever happened to him. He’s an Elder now. The uber-evil Zankou was loose and sucking up other demons’ abilities like nobody’s business. You ever notice that it’s really hard to take an evil guy seriously when he’s insanely goo
d-looking? Brody (no idea who he is) and Paige got hot and heavy, causing Paige to turn against her sisters. The three of them can battle demons without blinking an eye, but a lover never fails to screw everything up.

  Leo had become an Avatar, whatever that is. But were they good or bad? Oooo, forget that; he didn’t tell Piper he was an Avatar. Bad hubby move, Leo. There’s not a demon alive (or dead) more dangerous than a scorned wife.

  Shortly thereafter, the Seer got fried, but not before leaving a cryptic vision with Phoebe. Hmmm, is it my imagination or did the line “Not since the Avatar” sound a little . . . oh. I don’t know . . . ambiguous to anyone besides me? Peace on Earth? Hello! We all know that’s not going to work.

  But where does that leave our sisters? If they don’t join forces, they will never know if they missed the one shot at peace for themselves and the rest of us. On the other hand, if they unite with the Avatars and defeat the demons and the Elders, and then the Avatars turn out to be psychos, the Charmed Ones will end up having to find a way to defeat the Avatars solo since the other factions have been removed.

  At the end of the episode, they called the mysterious Avatars to hear them out. I blame this misguided decision on demon fatigue. However, one thing I’ve noticed about the sisters is that they are smarter than your average demon. I don’t worry about them too much.

  Unless of course, this is the end of the series. I mean, what would the sisters do if every demon were vanquished? Their lives would be boring—just like reality. Ack! We can’t have that. There are already enough bad reality shows on the air. Okay, everyone root for the Avatars to be evil, and we’ll watch next week to see what happens.

  Er, I’m not hooked, I swear.

  The show is on Sunday night, right?

  CHARM SPEAK

  Underworld: Where the evil dudes and dudettes hang out. Imagine the parties.

  Avatars: A bunch of young guys who like to mess with the world for kicks. Team: Unknown.

  WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY?