I Found My Friends

by Nick Soulsby

  STEVE TURNER: I was really happy for those guys, and all the success they were having. The crowds were pretty mainstream, I suppose, and opening up for a hit band like that isn’t the greatest thing, since the crowd was unfamiliar with us. But we had a good time, as we usually did.

  Some bands learned crucial rules of the big band experience.

  JAD FAIR: It was mostly playing to college venues. I was expecting that it would be a college-age audience, but most of the audience was younger than that. At the first show we played some fast songs and some slow ones. Every fast song got a great response and every slow one bombed. For all of the other shows we only played fast ones.

  TROY VON BALTHAZAR: Another lesson I learned came on the night of the first show. We got to the venue and the first thing we saw: the catering tables. Rows of delicious sandwiches and cakes, soups and puddings, sausages, and fish. Chokebore had been starving, sleeping on couches for the past two months barely surviving, and the sight of all that food flew me into an eating frenzy. I tried it all. It was heaven. Vitamins finally, after so long. When I went out onstage it was amazing. Twenty-five thousand people standing in front of us going crazy. We played that show and it all seemed like a dream. But all I was concentrating on was trying not to poop my pants the whole time. All that rich food and then the terror of playing in front of so many people … not a good combination. I learned that night never to eat right before a show, not worth it. Even for all those vitamins.

  CRIS KIRKWOOD: It’s ass-whipping to stomp through a PA that size—a great experience, the gear’s bigger but they hold a lot of things back for the headliners—like, they have tons of lights but they hold a lot back. You don’t get to play with much of the gear. Bigger shows are huge productions—you adhere to a schedule, multiple setups ready, there are people off setting up the next gig ready.

  For Novoselic and Grohl, at least, the tolerant freedom afforded musicians on tour still meant embracing and enjoying the experience of being out.

  TROY VON BALTHAZAR: [I] remember that Krist loved red wine. He would roar through the backstage areas jumping over sofas, smashing through doors, throwing food and laughing, and this wasn’t at the end of the night … it was on his way to the stage. He seemed like a pretty jolly guy … and after all that, still solid on the bass.

  THALIA ZEDEK: We hung out with the Breeders a lot and with Krist and Dave, who were both really friendly. One night in Miami I remember we all hung out together after the show and went swimming in the sea. The next day we found out that the water was full of sharks. I remember Nirvana’s management being really angry at us because Krist was really hungover the next day.

  PAUL LEARY, Butthole Surfers: It seemed like [Kurt’s] wife wanted to keep him away from us as much as possible. But for the few times we got to hang out, he seemed pretty mellow and normal. And their shows were great … As far as “normal,” I really didn’t know Kurt well. The times we hung out before and after shows, I didn’t notice anything “unusual” about him.

  TROY VON BALTHAZAR: It felt to us that they were just a good small band surrounded by a whirlwind. When they played, it was like all the shows we went to at home in the small clubs—strong and natural.

  The tour paused for the MTV Unplugged performance that has since defined Nirvana to many. At the time, however, it wasn’t clear it would go on to such lasting renown. MTV sulked over the absence of hits, the presence of so many covers, the choice of guests who weren’t on their mainstream A-list, and Cobain’s refusal to play an encore.

  CRIS KIRKWOOD: There was this open desire to share that with bands like us, bands who were in the same place in terms of attitude. I mean, they were the biggest band in the world, could do whatever he wanted and what does he choose to do with that? To take somebody on MTV with them and play some of our stuff that he really digs. Knowing full well that we weren’t making management happy—the guys at MTV didn’t want him to have us do it. He made them, for real. The idea came up on the tour with them: we got to know him, we were hanging out somewhat. He came up with it somewhere along the way—at first he wanted to do some of our old songs on the show … So, Curt, my brother, was going to teach him how to play [them]. Somewhere in there it just became having us go on and we’d play with them. It came ’round that quick … We were not on MTV at the time, we’d been around a long time and deemed unworthy, so it was like Kurt asking them to let him bring on a turd. MTV were surprised, not that into it, but he got his way.

  The band didn’t celebrate the MTV performance; the rehearsals and recording had been tacked on at the end of a solid month of near nightly concerts, so they all went their separate ways to enjoy a week off from touring. It would take a year of MTV rotation, one death, and a posthumous LP to cement its subsequent reputation.

  JAD FAIR: I was at the MTV Unplugged show. The band seemed to be in good spirit and did a great job.

  CRIS KIRKWOOD: It was just this little performance—but it was nice to get some notice and for little things to pop up that let us make music. After he passed away, they came to us about getting our permission to release it. They’d played the living fuck out of it on MTV and then they decided to release it.

  THALIA ZEDEK: There definitely was a sense that something really incredible had happened. I didn’t hear it from the band, but the crew was talking about it … We really didn’t understand what they were going on about until much later.

  In December, MTV were again involved as Nirvana played the Live and Loud show.

  B-REAL, Cypress Hill: We had done some MTV shows in the past starting with Yo MTV Raps, Daytona Spring Break and our reputation for live shows had been growing—we’d done Lollapalooza and stuff like that, so MTV now and then, depending on the event, would call upon us to be a part of it … getting a chance to share the stage with Nirvana, who were pretty much the biggest thing at the time, it was a great experience … [We] had to get there early—it was in one of the docks that MTV rented out for this particular show—and it was three bands to play. It was a pretty hectic day; MTV was trying to get everything together and get everyone’s sound checks rolling through. We actually did a sound check with Pearl Jam because we’d just done a song with them for the movie soundtrack to the film Judgment Night so we had planned to play that with them. So we played our sound check, they played their sound check, and then we ran through that song. The main tension that was going on that day was that nobody could get hold of Eddie Vedder—nobody knew where he was at and people were skeptical that he was going to show up. Everyone was on edge about that. He never turned up—there was no reason given, he just didn’t … They’re very much about being on time and keeping everything rolling and moving, so they don’t fall behind schedule because it was to go out live—realistically, they were pre-recording it for one part of the nation but it’s going live to the other part. They’re always nervous about getting it off on time but they’re very pleasant when they’re pushing you to hurry up!… That particular day we were floating around hanging out with everybody—we got to meet Krist and Dave, and Pat, they befriended us, it was very cool—we’re friends to this day, always great when we see each other. We got to interact with Flea and Anthony Kiedis because I believe they were the hosts that day, which was funny because I never felt like Anthony liked me so it was probably funny for him to be actually cool with me, just on camera, for once in his life.

  Cobain ended MTV Live and Loud by sarcastically clapping along with the audience, a manic glint in his eye, before returning to chasing cameramen around the stage; he could tell that regardless of what he did the crowd would applaud like performing seals. He’d been less than merry toward audiences all tour, but without the camera present his approach was usually to withdraw; with MTV there he ratcheted up the aggression far more than usual.

  RICK SIMS: I saw them when they played the Aragon Ballroom in Chicago … I got ferociously drunk with Dan (Peters), the Mudhoney drummer, and remember watching both bands from the side of the stage. They were a g
ood live band, but honestly they occupied the same level of showmanship and musicianship that a lot of the upper-tier bands of that time shared … I also liked to move onstage, probably a nod to my Kiss and Plasmatics influences. And then there were the FUCK THE PIGS signs which we handed out to the audience before shows—they usually ended up beating each other over the head with them. The optic was great, though! I would also put on a confrontational air, and this is what audiences came to expect. I had a chip on my shoulder and a resentfulness of “punk rock” pretentiousness. In other words, I didn’t like it when people didn’t respond favorably to our band and would get belligerent. Audiences seemed to really enjoy that after a while and would cheer favorably when I told them to go fuck themselves and their shitty little town. Nirvana was nothing like this when I saw them. They did their show and got off stage. No antics. No fuck-yous. I don’t think that was their style. Ha!

  No one thought negatively of Kurt’s MTV antics; it just cemented Nirvana’s reputation as rock thrills for TV audiences. On the road, however, the sense that there were issues circling Cobain became unavoidable.

  NAOKO YAMANO: It was an arena tour. The distance from the main act and a support act became so large. Our dressing rooms were usually far from Nirvana’s. We didn’t have much time to talk with the members. There were many people around Kurt at the dressing room at any time … From the 1993 tour, I don’t have a clear memory about Kurt.

  B-REAL: Kurt might have been around or he might have showed up right before they went onstage—nobody was worried whether he would show up or not, so I think he must have been there, secluded by himself away from everybody, because he struck me as the type who didn’t like being around the lights and the glitz … You know, we never ended up meeting him—after the show he was whisked off, like I said; we ended up hanging out with Dave, Pat, and Krist and developed friendships with them but we never met Kurt Cobain.

  CHRIS BROKAW: The vibe was just sort of … high drama. I think everyone was sort of afraid of Kurt and afraid of what he might do. But a lot of that drama surrounded his wife … When she left the tour, in Atlanta, the whole mood of the tour became instantly more relaxed.

  PAUL LEARY: His wife was always doing her best to make sure he didn’t hang out with us. She had been a concert promoter in Minneapolis, Minnesota, a few years earlier, and had booked us to play a show in Minneapolis. We drove for two days to get there, played our show, and then she stiffed us … We didn’t get along after that. She was extremely unpleasant during our shows with Nirvana. I remember once talking with Kurt, and his wife literally grabbed him by the ear and pulled him away. I have to admit, in my thirty-plus years of being in music, I have gotten along well with every musician I have ever met, except for Kurt’s wife. So I don’t really consider her a musician.

  CRIS KIRKWOOD: He was so famous by then and dealing with so much stuff, it was at the point they’d have to put signs up backstage telling people not to molest the guy—where even seasoned show hands are stopping you to try to get their photo taken with you, certainly you could tell that was something. He was just withdrawn, sheltered in a way—but we still had fun, things like that MTV practice session was trippy … We’d take them to parties at an old friend’s house and it’d feel like we’d brought this little Northwest guy with us but he’s really fucking famous and everyone was aware and that changed things. And he was such a newly minted star—but then it’s not like he was a plumber who suddenly became famous.

  Cobain was notably withdrawn and lonely. He was barely visible when he wasn’t onstage.

  CHRIS BROKAW: I was walking down the hallway and Kurt came up and was saying how we should come to their backstage room more often. He was saying, “You guys should come and hang out with us before shows … it gets so lonely back there.” When he said that, he was looking into my eyes. He looked so sad, and suddenly a group of people came rushing down the hall at us and mobbed him screaming for autographs and trying to touch him. There was this circle of people swarming around him and he was still just looking into my eyes. He looked so alone, so small and lost. He was a sweet person but his fame seemed overwhelming. I just backed up slowly. It was a scary moment. He was surrounded.

  THALIA ZEDEK: My impression of him was pretty fleeting. He didn’t hang out much with us or with the rest of his band and he was pretty quiet. I think he enjoyed our performance, but he was pretty reserved. He seemed pretty overwhelmed and not comfortable, either physically or mentally. I didn’t get the impression that he was enjoying the tour or their success very much. He was traveling in a separate bus with Frances, if I remember correctly, and he seemed really devoted to her.

  JAD FAIR: I saw a lot more of Dave and Krist than I did of Kurt. Krist and Dave seemed to spend time together. Kurt didn’t … We didn’t see much of Kurt at the shows.

  YAMANTAKA EYE, Boredoms: Kurt seemed like he already had angel wings—his steps across the stage were uncertain and it looked so pitiful you could almost see his heart bleeding with a deep self-pity that I thought was very dangerous indeed.

  KEVIN WHITWORTH: The next time I saw him was walking off the huge stage at some enormo-dome … I was stage left. We’d just played the punk-rock club down the street and were let in the back door. And he looked so tired, walking out of a room full of thousands of adoring fans, like he’d just left a coal mine after a twelve-hour shift.

  No one felt more than a vague unease. This was Kurt Cobain, after all, a man everyone knew had a few problems. There wasn’t anything to suggest that his moodiness was anything more than “Kurt being Kurt.”

  CHRIS BROKAW: They seemed like any other band to me. All bands fight and get over it. They are together because for some reason when they make music together it sounds good, and they know that is worth something to them even if they argue in the van. Every band goes through it. I think they were like everyone else in that respect.

  THALIA ZEDEK: I remember that Kurt always had this huge fan blowing air directed right at his head while he was playing. I guess that’s the image in my mind of that tour. I don’t know, I definitely got the feeling that something was wrong, everyone was just kind of uptight. But they played really good every night and treated us very well and with respect

  PAUL LEARY: Those shows were a blast. I remember on New Year’s Eve sitting in the audience watching Nirvana put on a really great show. Nine shows didn’t seem like enough, I wanted more … I never saw his mood drop. He seemed to be in a good mood backstage after the last show.

  In contrast to late 1991, when he had been writing on tour and the band sound-checked new material, it seems Cobain had written only one song since January 1993. Fans place hope in the supposed “lost song” jammed onstage on November 12 and December 29, but it barely registered at the time.

  TROY VON BALTHAZAR: I think they might have been writing a bit and jamming at sound check, but everyone does that on tour. It’s usually the only chance to work on anything new. I don’t recall the particular piece you are talking about though.

  THALIA ZEDEK: I don’t remember hearing any jamming or new material at sound checks. But they did always sound check. But they didn’t spend hours noodling around or anything. The sets were slightly different every night if I recall correctly, but there wasn’t a huge variation.

  Fans claim the piece may have been demoed in 1994, but producer Adam Kasper can only say, having listened to the live track, “Sounds familiar but I would have to hear it re: the demo again to know for sure.” That didn’t mean there was nothing there, but it certainly hadn’t gone so far as to become a true song.

  JAD FAIR: Kurt was always friendly to me. He told me that he would be starting a label and wanted to release albums by Half Japanese and my solo albums. Yes, he made it clear that he liked my music.

  TROY VON BALTHAZAR: I know Kurt was considering starting his own record label. I do wish that would have happened. There would have been some good music on it. He was a huge music fan.

  The cessation of creativity had
become a deep malaise stretching back two years. At first everyone could shrug it off, but there’d been less than a dozen songs written since Nevermind. The band made it into the studio in January but Cobain only showed up for one day.

  ADAM KASPER, producer: Not sure how long we spent, but Cobain was present all day and after dinner break. Cobain was the creative genius behind Nirvana and we all knew things were not right, as far as the well-documented problems Kurt was having … So we just got to work. The studio and band is sometimes the last refuge for someone thrust into that kind of whirlwind and incredible fame … Everyone seemed to be getting along good. Kurt was like a brother to Novoselic and Grohl. So there was love, there was concern—there was the hope that the music would be the healer … The thing that stood out for me was the fun we had—all those guys are incredibly funny and smart … He had a song ready to go, minus some final lyrics, which became “You Know You’re Right,” and we got to it. I had the studio all set up in terms of amps, guitars, and drums … Cobain arrived and we began his song in earnest. Cobain gave no direction or input on sounds. He had the song and the arrangement complete and Dave and Krist jumped right in. When it came to vocals we did some takes, listened back, and punched in some spots and did a few more parts. I made some rough mixes that only the band and myself had for all those years … I was blown away by Cobain’s raw talent. He was completely self-contained and what you hear in terms of songwriting and performance is just so real. I’ve worked with many talented people, but few can get up to the mike and in one performance be so transcendent … It was a complete song that Cobain brought in. We attempted to get the best version of it we could. There was no discussion of future releases or any business-related conversations that I was aware of … Can’t recall future bookings. But there was definite talk of doing more when they got back from tour in Europe.

  There was no talk of a Lollapalooza EP, or of further Nirvana releases; the future of the band, and any aim for that last recording, remained veiled.