Deliver Her: A Novel

by Patricia Perry Donovan

  “But is she covering up for you, too?” That kind of stress could explain her daughter’s behavior. It could also put a lot of pressure on a friendship.

  Shana inched away. “Not exactly.”

  Meg was confused. It made more sense for the three to stick to the same story—unless one of them didn’t know the whole story. “Shana, does Alex know what you did?”

  Shana’s head dropped to her knees. Meg shook her leg. “Look at me. Alex was pretty out of it that night. Does she know what you did? That you grabbed the wheel?”

  Downstairs, Jacob had run out of patience, bellowing up the stairs, “I’m going, Meg.”

  Meg jumped up at the sound of the front door being closed. “I have to go, Shana. Please. What does Alex think happened that night?”

  Shana drew a shaky breath. “She thinks Cass took off her seat belt. That she fought with Logan about turning around and going home. To protect her. She thinks Cass distracted Logan and caused the accident.”

  Meg’s eyes narrowed. “You let Alex believe that? That Cass died protecting her?”

  Shana’s eyes overflowed again. “How could I tell her the truth? Alex would hate me.”

  “So rather than risk losing her friendship, you let her think she was responsible for her best friend’s death.”

  “It sounds horrible when you say it like that.”

  “But that’s how it is, isn’t it?” Meg looked around her daughter’s room. “So she’s been carrying around this guilt since . . .”

  In the dim light of Alex’s lava lamp, much of the last few months clicked into focus.

  “We’re all guilty,” Shana sniffled. “What if they don’t find Alex? I can’t lose another friend. I won’t be able to live with myself.”

  You’ve done a fine job of that so far. Meg bit her lip to keep from saying the words aloud. But Shana was clearly in agony, and no matter how selfish the girl’s actions, how pathological her need for acceptance, Shana was still a child, burdened by devastating secrets. Digging deep, Meg brushed Shana’s damp hair from her face.

  “They will find her, Shana. I have to believe Alex has figured out a way to be safe.”

  “Me, too.”

  “And when they do find her, you’re going to tell her the truth.”

  “I will. I promise. I’ll tell her everything.” Shana hugged her. “I’m sorry. Really sorry.”

  Meg hugged her back, the embrace feeling like a betrayal of her own daughter.

  A horn beeped below Alex’s window. Meg ran downstairs, finding Melissa on Meg’s phone. “It’s him,” Melissa said, holding it out. “The man you hired.”

  While Meg talked, Melissa retrieved Jacob from his truck. Inside, the two crowded Meg while she talked to Carl, shouting questions until she had to walk away, plugging her ear with her finger. Shana came downstairs and trailed Meg into the dining room, toying with the tea set, hovering so near that Meg finally closed herself into a corner to hear.

  “They found Alex’s coat,” she called to her family.

  Jacob demanded to talk to Carl. Meg handed the phone over reluctantly. “This is Alex’s dad,” Jacob barked. “Stop. I don’t want any apologies now. Just tell me what’s going on.” Jacob nodded, his periodic uh-huhs torturing Meg as she stood at his elbow.

  “I’m coming up there.” He glanced at his watch. “By tomorrow morning, early . . . I don’t give a shit about the weather. I only care about my daughter. She needs me.”

  His protective air reminded Meg of the night in the dive bar when she first told him about her pregnancy. Then, as now, his daughter had been his first concern.

  Jacob mimed a writing motion, and Melissa retrieved a pen and an envelope from the kitchen. “Log cabin. Pink gas tanks. Got it. And Alden . . .” Jacob’s hand shook jotting down the details. “Find her. And have some answers ready for me when I get there.” He ended the call.

  Meg took back her phone. “That’s something, at least. They’re on their way to the shelter where she might be. You should wait ’til tomorrow morning to go.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do, Meg. Haven’t you done enough already?”

  “How many times do I have to say it? I made a mistake. I’m sorry. This is difficult for me, too.”

  Jacob pushed by her. “I’ll be in the car.”

  “I’m coming, damn it.”

  “See what she’s done?” Jacob said as he passed Melissa.

  “I heard that,” Meg said, catching up to him. “You left me no choice.”

  “I was very clear about my feelings that night.”

  “Clear you wanted to watch the game. Obviously, that took precedence—”

  Voices escalating, Meg and Jacob continued the argument, one cutting off the other.

  “My children are always my priority.”

  “Are you sure there isn’t another priority out there?”

  “Stop! What is wrong with you?” The anguished cry came from the living room. Shana stood by the fireplace in front of the family portrait, hands over her ears.

  Meg made her way to the girl. “Shana, honey. I know you’re upset,” she began, stroking the girl’s arm.

  Shana wrenched away. “Of course I am. How can you guys fight like that? After you just got the best news in the world—that Alex might be safe.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “Don’t you get how fucked up this is?”

  Meg and Jacob looked at each other.

  “This is exactly what happened the night of Alex’s party. It’s literally like déjà vu. This is why Alex is so screwed up.” Shana ran past them and up the stairs, slamming Alex’s door behind her.

  Jacob stared up the stairs after her. “Jesus. What is she, a goddamned teenage shrink?”

  Chastened, Meg drew a shaky sigh. Shana was absolutely right. They were seriously fucked up.

  CARL

  As Carl and Iris pulled into Hope Haven’s drive, a tall, slim young woman bounded down the steps coatless, her black curls flying behind her.

  “I know what you’re going to say, Mom,” she said, opening Iris’s door. “I shouldn’t have taken Dad’s car. I already told him I’m sorry.”

  Iris cut off her apology with a fierce hug. “We’ll deal with that later. I’m just glad you’re safe.”

  Mia had been in the basement looking around for Alex when Iris called earlier. “It’s been nuts here,” Mia said. “You remember Reyna, don’t you? Anyway, Reyna’s gone, and Ellen’s frantic.”

  “We were, too,” Iris said.

  “Where’s Alex?” Carl asked.

  “So that’s her real name? I was beginning to wonder.” Mia looked him over. “You’re the guy her parents hired? Dad filled me in when I called the store to say I was OK.”

  Carl nodded. “We assumed Alex came here with you.”

  “He knows she was in your studio, honey,” Iris added.

  “That was my first mistake.” Mia turned to Carl. “Alex was here. I told her to wait, like, two seconds so I could talk to Ellen. When I came back, she was gone.”

  Mia led them into Hope Haven’s front hall, where a row of coats hung on hooks along one wall. Just then, a young girl of about ten ran out to meet them, stopping short and staring. Behind her glasses, her eyes were red from crying.

  “Mia, I gotta ask you something. You know that—”

  Carl tapped his watch. “Ms. Bailey, this is very important . . .”

  “Of course.” Mia knelt and took the little girl’s hands. “Reyna’s going to be OK, honey. Listen, Ellen needs some help in the kitchen. Go and see her, and I’ll catch you later. Promise.” The little girl disappeared through a swinging door.

  “Let’s talk in here.” Mia led them into a large sitting room with wood-framed leather couches and flopped cross-legged into a boxy armchair. Carl chose to stand, leaning on the stone hearth, where over the mantel a flat-screen blared the evening news.

  “Are you sure Alex isn’t here?” he asked.

  “I searched this place from top to bott
om. I know all the hiding places from having lived here.”

  “OK, so tell me exactly what happened this afternoon.”

  “I was in my studio finishing stuff for school when she knocked on my door.” Mia hadn’t wanted to let her in at first, but she seemed harmless. “And scared to death.”

  “Makes sense,” Carl said, “after all she’d been through.”

  “Right, except very little of what Alex told me matches up with what really happened. Dad told me everything on the phone.”

  “What did Alex tell you?”

  “That she got lost hiking. Separated from her friends. That’s when she hitched the ride.”

  “So she told you about the guys who picked her up?”

  “Yes. They sounded sketchy. But she never said a word about the accident.”

  Carl and Iris exchanged looks. “That makes no sense,” Iris said.

  “That’s what I told Dad.” Mia jerked to attention suddenly. “Oh, my God. That’s her.”

  Carl turned to see the photo of Alex he’d given to Mendham filling the television screen, while a somber newscaster detailed the ongoing search. A news ticker crawling underneath spit out an emergency number, urging residents to call or to tweet any information they might have. The teen even had her own hashtag: #FindAlex.

  Mia sat back. “This is crazy.”

  Carl gestured to the TV. “If Alex saw this, it’s no wonder she took off. So you believed her hiking story?”

  “Of course not. Not the way she was dressed. Although it does happen up here—crazy tourists going into the woods with nothing but a candy bar and a water bottle. They show up at Swiftriver all the time.”

  “She’s right,” Iris affirmed.

  “I figured Alex was a runaway. That’s why my first thought was to come here. I knew Ellen would know what to do.”

  “Of course,” Carl said. “You said Alex talked about the truckers. What exactly did she say?” If they did anything to hurt Alex, Carl couldn’t be held accountable for what he might do.

  “That they were cool at first. She was psyched. Then things got weird.”

  “How weird?”

  “She didn’t say. She just said she freaked and jumped out of the truck not far past Swiftriver,” Mia said. “She recognized our distinctive gas pumps, Mother.”

  That much matched up with Kyle’s confession, Carl thought. “How the heck did she even find your studio?” he asked. “You’re pretty well hidden down there.”

  “She said she’d been creeping around the back of the store looking for something to eat and found the path.”

  “Why wouldn’t she just come into the store for help?” Iris asked.

  Mia had asked Alex the same thing. “I offered to bring her up. Said you guys were chill. But she didn’t want to go,” Mia said. “She was really anxious to get to the bus depot. It sounded suspicious, but I decided to play along, figuring I’d eventually bring her here.”

  Mia gave her dry clothes and something to eat. After, the two girls talked a bit.

  “And got stoned.” Iris’s arms were crossed.

  Mia’s eyes widened. “We did not.”

  “They searched the studio, honey. Said it reeked of pot.”

  Mia examined the sleeve of her sweater. “That was mine. I was celebrating earlier. About New York.”

  “Right.”

  “I didn’t smoke with her, Mom. I swear.” There wasn’t time for that, Mia said; Alex had another plan. “Some wacko pilgrimage for a band. Rainwater or something?”

  “Rainmaker,” Carl corrected. Of course. Their conversations in the car. His missing frog. Why hadn’t he figured it out before?

  “Alex is headed to Happy Corner.”

  “How did you know?” Mia laughed.

  “Alex and I talked about the place during the ride up.” Carl now keenly regretted ever mentioning the proximity of the Phibs shrine.

  “Alex thought she could get there by bus. She knew about the Lincoln bus depot.”

  The last place they’d stopped before the accident, Carl recalled.

  Mia offered to give Alex a ride to the depot. “I had to fake her out. I even gave her bus fare so she’d get in the car with me.”

  On the way, Mia said she had to make a pit stop and left Alex in the living room while she talked to Ellen. When Mia came back, Alex was gone.

  Carl pulled his hood on. “That’s it, then. The bus station. Let’s go.” He thanked Mia for her assistance. “I hope you find your missing friend. Iris, do you mind?”

  As her mother got up to leave, Mia pulled on her coat. “Not so fast. I’m coming, too. I have a few questions for my new friend Alex.”

  MEG

  Meg had barely slid into the front seat before Jacob threw the car into gear. They drove twenty miles or so in silence. Finally, Jacob slammed his fist on the steering wheel.

  “What the hell was that back there with Shana?”

  Meg sighed. “I don’t know,” she lied.

  Shana’s revelations about the night of Alex’s party had brought it all back. She cringed at the memory of their family photo session, the insults hurled at each other over their children’s heads. Meg remembered walking away to find Jack, leaving Alex with Jacob. That must have been when they’d fought. And then she’d come back, unknowingly heaping fuel onto the fire.

  Beside her, Jacob searched for a radio station.

  “I can drive if you need a break,” Meg offered.

  “I’m fine.”

  Jacob did in fact seem remarkably alert, given his full day of physical labor and hours of driving. Probably rejuvenated by Carl’s encouraging call. “At Alex’s birthday party. Do you remember us fighting that night?”

  “Fighting?”

  “During the family pictures.”

  “Oh. Yeah. You were giving me shit about my job situation.”

  Meg squirmed. “When I left to find Jack, did you and Alex get into it?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. That guy was posing us . . . Wait a sec. She was talking to me about a college.” He shifted in his seat. “Yeah. A school in Hawaii. A pipe dream.”

  “Is that what you said to her?”

  “I don’t know, Meg. Probably not those exact words. But seriously, where would she get the idea we could manage that? I mean, the airfare alone. I think I told her to look at schools around here.”

  “What else did you say?”

  He sniffed. “Geeze, Meg. I don’t remember.”

  “I guess it doesn’t matter much now.”

  “Sounds like it mattered to Shana. That was some meltdown. Why was she there tonight, anyway? Was everybody told about Alex’s intervention but me?”

  “There wasn’t an intervention.”

  “If it wasn’t for her, we’d have been on the road twenty minutes ago. What was so damned important upstairs?”

  Meg swallowed and looked out her window. “She was . . . upset about Alex. I couldn’t just leave her.”

  “Nice of you to be so considerate.”

  She put a hand on his knee. “Please. Let’s not fight. Not now.”

  He sighed. “Fine. I just want to get up there, and get Alex.”

  “Me, too.” She took her hand away. “You know, when I was up in Alex’s room this morning, I found her dress.”

  “What dress?”

  “Her Sweet Sixteen dress.”

  “The one she had on in the hospital? I thought you threw it away.”

  “I did. She must have gone looking for it.”

  “Oh, my God. That is just so sad.” Jacob rubbed his forehead, retreating into his own thoughts.

  So much heartbreak surrounded Alex’s special night. And Meg was still reeling over the fact that their marital problems, a casual argument they could barely remember, had had fatal consequences. She’d give anything to redo that evening: to avoid the fighting, to convince Jacob to stay until the party finished, to stand her ground about the after-party activities instead of stewing over Jacob’s abrupt depar
ture.

  And knowing Alex had been oppressed by false beliefs about the accident, Meg now better understood the changes in her—the impenetrable emotional walls, cemetery visits instead of school, her obsessive attachment to Cass’s scarf.

  And if Meg were brutally honest with herself, she hadn’t fully acknowledged the effect of their separation on her children, especially Alex. She naively thought their staying in the same house together would ease the pain of their split—that pulling out all the stops (with Miriam’s help) to throw Alex an amazing party would soften the blow.

  According to Shana, this was the farthest thing from the truth.

  Their family situation had probably been tearing at Alex long before that night, Meg too paralyzed over her disintegrating marriage to see it. Jacob hadn’t realized it, either. His shoot-from-the-hip reaction to Alex’s college choice that night was thoughtless and ill-timed, but not meanspirited. By steering Alex to a more financially realistic alternative, he’d actually had been trying to be responsible. But Meg could easily see how his behavior must have deeply hurt Alex, who was used to being Daddy’s girl.

  She glanced sideways at Jacob. His arm was slung over the steering wheel, his cheek pulsing the way it did when he was stressed. He was absolutely entitled to be furious. She never should have sent Alex off without his blessing.

  And on the subject of guilt, when the time was right, Meg needed to carefully consider what Shana had confessed about the accident. She wasn’t prepared to deal with that right now or the issue of the broken slider door.

  All of that would have to wait. First, there was Alex. Meg checked her phone again to make sure she hadn’t missed another of Carl’s calls. In a pocket of traffic, Jacob shifted into the fast lane, at the same time rummaging in the well between their seats, pulling out one CD after another and straining to read their hand-lettered labels by the light of oncoming traffic before discarding them on the seat beside him. With difficulty, Meg kept her comments about his multitasking to herself.

  Eventually, Jacob found the disc he wanted and slipped it into the dashboard player, the car filling with the twangy jam band sound he and Alex loved. Jacob lowered the volume, hoarsely singing along.