A Star Pilot's Heart

by Eva Delaney

  He cleared his throat awkwardly, which meant he wanted to start a conversation I didn’t want to have. “Can we finish the talk we started before the jumpgate closed?”

  “Now isn’t the time,” I said through gritted teeth. “Go get ready with the others.”

  “We have to do it now in case something happens to me on Vinera.”

  His tone made me think he was planning for something to happen to him. I shot him a glare, but he steadily ignored it. Was he planning to surrender or fight as a distraction?

  Hell no, if he was. Nobody was staying behind.

  “Remember that mission to deliver fighter ships to an Uprising depot?” he said.

  “We aren’t flirting now.”

  “For once, I’m not. For once, I’m doing the right thing. I should have told you this a week ago.”

  “Not now—”

  “We didn’t deliver the ships to an Uprising base,” he said, voice oddly flat and his gaze blank. “It was Supremacy.”

  I started so violently that my hands jerked the controls and the Firebrand shuddered. “No, it had Uprising decals on—”

  “Everything,” Orion finished. “Which covert bases never do. Remember, we thought it was strange.”

  “Yeah,” I admitted reluctantly. “They were breaking every rule for hidden bases.”

  “And we never knew who our orders came from.”

  Shit, he was right. But he couldn’t be. That meant we had betrayed The Uprising, or someone in The Uprising had betrayed us. Neither was possible.

  “Whoever gave the orders…” he ran a hand through his curly hair. “They weren’t on our side.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Even though we had orders, the generals still thought we smuggled the ships to the Supremacy for a fee.”

  I shook my head. “The Uprising wouldn’t suspect us of treason after all we’ve done for them.”

  “They kept it quiet until they were ready to make an arrest. You were on patrol when they arrived at our makeshift base—”

  “It can’t be,” I said. But Orion kept going, barreling onward like a boulder rolling down a hill.

  “You’re the best fucking pilot we have. You’re the best hope the galaxy has. The Uprising needs you. I couldn’t risk you being discharged or imprisoned. And…and I couldn’t stand the thought of my brave, wild girl in a cage. I couldn’t see you locked away from the sky and stars. I had to save you.”

  “Stop it!” I shouted.

  “I confessed to selling the ships to the Supremacy and said I tricked you into it.” All bitterness and anger disappeared from his voice. He spoke simply, like discussing the weather.

  “You’re lying. You left for your own sake.”

  “Never,” he said forcefully. “I went to prison for eighteen months before proving we had been framed.”

  “It’s not true,” I said.

  “I lied to you about it because The Uprising is your life and I didn’t want you to be hurt by their betrayal. I could never stand to see you hurt. And…I didn’t want you to try to save me and end up in a cell yourself. I wanted you out here, shining like a supernova. The Uprising’s best hope, my hope, against the darkness.”

  I shook my head, trying to dislodge his words but it wasn’t working. He turned my life upside down when he left and when he stepped through that airlock. Now he was turning everything upside down yet again.

  The Uprising betrayed us.

  They imprisoned him for a crime he didn’t commit.

  He went willingly for my sake.

  “Damn you,” I snapped. “Why would you confess to something you didn’t do?”

  “To save you, Cali.”

  “I didn’t want to be saved. I wanted you by my side.”

  He frowned. “I’ve always been by your side—”

  “Then why have I been alone for three years? Not just alone, but lonely. I believed no one cared for me.”

  He looked away.

  “Why didn’t you tell me or let them arrest me—”

  He barked a bitter laugh. “Stand by while your life was ripped apart? What kind of man do you think I am?”

  “A prideful one. We could have fought the charges, together, and we would have walked away free, hand-in-hand.”

  “Seriously, Cali, you think I didn’t fight the charges—”

  “Why would they listen to you after you confessed?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “Exactly! If you had told me what was happening, we could have won our freedom sooner. We could have been together all this time.”

  “You would have been in jail, too!” he shouted. “Same as me. I can’t believe this. What more can you possibly want from me? Tell me and I’ll do it because I was fighting for you every day for the last three years and apparently, it wasn’t enough.”

  “I fought alone every day for the last three years, and so did you, because you didn’t give us a chance to fight together.”

  “Really? Did you come looking for me at all? Or did you believe that I didn’t love you?”

  His words were like a slap. I gasped.

  “You believed my lie, didn’t you?” he said, not relenting. “I was loyal and loving for three years, but you didn’t bother to look for me. You didn’t suspect anything was wrong. You blame me for being alone, what about you? What did you do to save us?”

  He was right. After my parents left, my sister left, and my mates left, it was so easy to believe that Orion would abandon me too.

  “I was fighting for you, for us. Did you fight for me?” he demanded.

  I glanced down at my hands on the controls. “I was fighting the pain of losing you. Everything I felt for you was like a wound that would never heal.”

  Orion squeezed his eyes closed and took a deep breath. “It can heal now,” he said, reaching for my wrist. I flinched away. A shadow crossed over his eyes like the sun going behind a cloud.

  “It’s not that simple,” I said. “I spent years angry with you.”

  “And you still are,” he said, slumping back in his chair.

  “I don’t…” I wasn’t certain how to finish that. A mad mix of emotions swirled within me like the atmosphere of a gas giant. Anger that he had left me. Hope that he had never stopped loving me. Fear that everything I’d based my life around was a lie.

  The realization that I’d always had the one thing I needed. I just didn’t know it.

  Guilt that I didn’t fight for Orion as he fought for me. He may have broken my heart, but I broke his too. I never knew it before now.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away,” he said. “But I didn’t know how. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, so I buried the secret and tried to forget it…And I didn’t want to take The Uprising from you. I know it’s your life—”

  “You were my heart,” I said softly. “You took that away.”

  He frowned. “I gave you your life instead.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. Orion’s rough hand grasped mine to hold the Firebrand steady. His warm, strong touch.

  I failed him. I owed him. And despite that, I didn’t know if I could forgive him. He let me believe that no one loved me. He didn’t trust me to handle The Uprising’s betrayal. He thought I’d crack and leave The Uprising, or fall apart in prison.

  But it was more than that. Everyone who stayed by my side suffered for it. I was a curse on the people who cared for me. It was no wonder I’d had no one for so long.

  Orion deserved better.

  He deserved someone who wasn’t a curse. He deserved someone capable of forgiveness and loyalty and trust.

  “You are my heart,” he murmured. “You always have been.”

  “Poor you,” I said, and my voice choked on the words. “I’m a meager and stunted heart to have.”

  Orion leaned forward, his thumb stroking away a tear that I didn’t know was there. I let him, maybe because I needed the comfort.

  “I choose only the best,” he said, c
ocky as ever. “There’s no stronger, kinder, more wild heart than you. And as long as you’re out here kicking ass, I can withstand anything.”

  Even after I admitted to hating him for years, Orion responded with love and kindness. He needed someone better than me. Someone who would believe in him.

  But with a fragile hope in his eyes and a sweet smile on his thick lips, I couldn’t bring myself to break his heart again.

  “We’ll have a fresh start,” he promised. “No more lies. No more loneliness. No more wounds that won’t heal.” He squeezed my hand on the controls. “We’ll stitch each other up and start new.”

  I gazed at him, meeting his hopeful, tender eyes. They were green as fresh forests under golden sunlight. He deserved a fresh start but when I looked at him, I saw my failure to save him from prison. I saw his failure to trust me to face disaster. I saw lonely years and old wounds.

  I couldn’t give him a fresh start. Not with a heart that didn’t know how to heal.

  “I’ll make sure you know how much I love you every single day for the rest of my life,” Orion said.

  “Orion…” It had been so long since anyone spoke to me in that way that I didn’t know how to process it. I didn’t know what to make of the tender ache in my chest.

  And I didn’t know how to tell him that I was incapable of giving him what he needed. I always blamed him for what happened. But it wasn’t him. It was me who ruined us because I never knew how to love, not truly.

  I stared at the black and red ships guiding us toward Vinera. But there was one thing I could do for him. One way to make things up to him. I nodded. “A new start.”

  Orion smiled, ear to ear. I forced myself to return the smile.

  But I didn’t mean what he thought I meant.

  After he and the others left the Firebrand, I’d fly back towards the Supremacy ships. It’d draw Castor away and buy the men time to hide among the angry, antsy crowds of Vinera.

  Castor would shoot me down or capture me, but they would have a chance to escape. I’d fix the mistake that I made three years ago when I didn’t try to save Orion, and I’d avoid making that mistake with the others. I’d give my life for Orion’s as he did for me three years ago.

  Thirty-One

  “How touching,” Rux drawled. He stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over a tight forest green jacket. Behind him, Polaris glared at Orion with a mix of suspicion and anger.

  “This was entertaining,” Antares said from the hall. “I love the theater.”

  My face burned. They’d been listening this whole time. Of course they had been. Orion and I weren’t quiet and the Firebrand was a small ship. “Get the fuck out,” I ordered. “You should be at the airlock door, anyway. We’ll be at Vinera in minutes.”

  Orion’s jaw clenched as he glowered at Antares. “Your people framed Cali and me.”

  “Your people believed them,” Antares said, lazily.

  “Why?” I said softly, unable to sound strong and commanding like I wanted to.

  Antares shrugged. “Castor probably bribed whoever was in charge.”

  “What?” both me and Orion said at the same time.

  “He does it all the time. He’s…not filthy rich. What’s more than filthy?”

  “Disgusting,” Polaris offered brightly.

  “More than that. Think of the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen and multiply it by five hundred trillion. Then shit it out. Then eat it and vomit it. Then you’re starting to get close.”

  The ship was silent for a moment as we tried to think of the most disgusting thing we’ve encountered. I shook my head clear.

  “Is that how he bought you?” Orion snarled.

  “I can’t be bought with money,” Antares said, a little sadly. His gaze darted to me with a sad, regretful look. It sent a tremor down my spine and a flush up my neck. That same flush crept up his. I didn’t think the bounty hunter could blush. But then he glanced away, and the moment was over.

  “The Uprising doesn’t pay much—” he said.

  “Because we don’t rob people blind!” Orion snapped.

  “Doesn’t matter why. All that matters is that there’s always someone who wants a beach house. Castor owns one thousand and twenty-three. One on every Supremacy planet.”

  I shivered. Could The Uprising’s generals be accepting bribes to hobble the rebellion? A few hours ago, I wouldn’t have believed it. But now that I knew they imprisoned Orion, I wasn’t sure what to think. Antares could be lying to sow doubt. A few days ago, I would have never have believed him. Now, I wasn’t certain.

  “Not all planets have beaches,” Polaris said, ever focused on accuracy.

  “Then Castor has one built with imported sand. Most of the houses are haunted.” Antares winked at me.

  I snorted, despite myself.

  “You leave Cali out of this,” Orion said.

  “Oh, stop it,” I said. “I don’t need your protection.”

  Orion’s neck and face reddened, which only happened when he was enraged. I immediately regretted my words. They weren’t what he needed to hear right now.

  But they were true. I hadn’t needed him to take the fall for me. If he had been honest, we could have denied the charges and cleared our names sooner. We could have been together all these years. I wouldn’t have hated him. I never needed a white knight.

  I needed him. A partner. A lover. A friend.

  I glanced away from his piercing, angry eyes. “We may all be dead by the end of the day, then it won’t matter who’s dick is the longest,” I said.

  Orion grumbled under his breath. Antares grinned wickedly. “Too bad I don’t get to find out.”

  “I can’t tell if anything you say or do is serious,” Rux said.

  Antares looked him over, slowly. Rux actually blushed, making Antares grin again. I wasn’t sure if he was serious, either. I hoped he wasn’t. Even though I barely liked Antares, I felt a pang of jealousy.

  I turned back to the viewport. Vinera Space Port loomed ahead like a giant gray mushroom. Docking Bay 8A gaped like a carnivorous plant waiting for prey.

  I took a deep breath, though it didn’t calm me. Panic clawed through my stomach and flooded my veins. Good. The anxiety was what kept me alive. It helped me see every problem and threat. Maybe it would keep us alive long enough to save Agent Winters.

  Even if The Uprising’s leaders were corrupt—and I didn’t know for sure that they were—many rebels were still fighting for justice. They deserved this win. Agent Winters needed to be rescued.

  The docking bay swallowed us whole. Inside was chaos. Castor’s fighters darted back and forth, chasing ships towards the exit. The merchants must be unhappy about it. They moved as slowly as possible and crowded together to box in Supremacy ships.

  Orion and I laughed. “I guess commandeering a docking bay is hard work for a prince,” he said.

  “This is perfect,” I said. “I’ll fly for the door at the far end. As soon as we’re close, open the Firebrand’s door and jump.” There would be no time for goodbyes, and even if there was, I couldn’t do them. It would give away that I didn’t intend on going with them. “When we get inside the base, split up.”

  “Never,” Orion said, watching me.

  “Aye, aye, Commander,” Antares said in an amused tone as he tucked Mr. Pancake under his arm. As usual, the little pug panted and smiled.

  I was going to miss that little dog—and the man who carried him. “You keep that dog safe.”

  “Pfft. He keeps me safe,” Antares said seriously.

  “I wish I had Magdalena,” Rux said.

  “Who?” I said.

  “My gun. I had to put her in the trash melter when Castor boarded.”

  I laughed. “You named it?”

  “You named the ship.”

  “It’s just as well. You can’t hide with a gun that large,” Hamal said.

  “With Magdalena, I never had to hide.”

  I rolled my eyes but didn’t bo
ther to answer him. The comms light on the dashboard blinked. My eyes froze on it. Orders from Castor.

  Orion hissed. “That shit eater.”

  “Yes, but only the finest shit,” Antares said, dryly. Orion did a double take.

  I took a deep breath. Castor needed us alive or he would have shot us down already. I could ignore the comms.

  “How will I find you again?” Polaris said, softly behind me.

  I startled. I hadn’t realized he was there. But it was more than that. It was the longing in his voice.

  Orion quirked an eyebrow at Polaris, who refused to glance his way. He fixed his twilight gaze on me. I was going to miss his quiet presence, his earnestness, and his gentle voice. “We’ll meet again at Star Keeper,” I lied. “Like we always do.”

  “I’ll be waiting to greet you,” Po said. “Like I always do.” I wasn’t sure if he believed the lie or was playing along. “And I’ll cheer you on as you fly the rings.”

  I chuckled. “You always try to talk me out of it.”

  “Because that’s my job. Secretly, I enjoy watching you on the radar.”

  I pressed my lips together to help hold back the tears. I didn’t know what to say, so I squeezed his hand. He squeezed back.

  Orion cleared his throat, but I ignored him. I let the touch linger for a moment longer before breaking the hold. I quickly turned back to the controls, so I didn’t have to face the hurt in Polaris’s eyes. Behind me, boots clanged on the ladder to the lower deck.

  “Fly well, cupcake,” Hamal said behind me. Something in his tone made me tense. He knew what I was planning. After all, as far as any of them knew, there was no flying left except to land near the door.

  But if he suspected me, he didn’t tell Orion. The clenched fist in my stomach eased as I heard his heavy steps on the ladder. I didn’t even say thanks or bye, I realized, too late.

  “Cupcake?” Orion said.

  I shrugged. “I didn’t ask for the name.” I eased the Firebrand around a merchant ship. Two black ships followed close on either side. I turned my ship so its ramp faced the docking bay personnel door.

  “Better go downstairs,” I said to Orion. “I’ll be right behind you.”