Forbidden by Faith

by Negeen Papehn

  When I stepped back outside, I could see Ben leaning up against the pharmacy counter waiting for me. I took in the shape of him, the curves of each muscle smoothly bleeding into the next as if he were a statue carved to perfection. My breath caught in my chest as I felt butterfly wings flapping in my stomach.

  “You ready?” he asked as I approached him, gently touching my wrist. I felt my skin burn where his fingers rested, lingering long after he’d removed them.

  “Yes,” I said, smiling, as he guided me out the door. We made it to the restaurant a few minutes later.

  It was on the smaller side with long rows of tables running along both right and left walls and smaller tables filling up the middle. We spotted the others sitting at a table next to the sushi bar and headed over to them. They’d already ordered their first round of drinks, so Ben and I quickly looked over the menu. I ordered a key lime martini and Ben settled on sake.

  I was halfway into my second martini, feeling the familiar warmth of intoxication inside my belly. Its haze had settled on my thoughts and I found myself uninhibitedly staring at Ben. He was truly gorgeous with those piercing blue eyes.

  He was deep in conversation with Seti and hadn’t noticed me looking at him. I watched his lips as they formed around his words, suddenly feeling the need to press my own lips up against them. I wondered if they tasted like sake. He felt the weight of my gaze and turned toward me. He flashed me his crooked smile. It was infectious, and I found myself giggling in return.

  My buzz had rid me of my restraints. It felt good to feel excited again, to revel in someone’s desire for me. My hand was resting on the table, so he reached out to squeeze it, a sign of affection he frequently used. This time though, I held on. He looked down at our intertwined fingers, surprised, then looked up, searching my eyes for an answer to the riddle I’d just placed before him. I held his gaze, smiling broadly. He looked at me for a few moments as if he expected me to change my mind. But I left my fingers wrapped around his, giving him the confidence he needed. He held onto my hand and returned to his conversation with Seti.

  Unfortunately, there’s always an uncharacteristic calm before an explosion. Ben heard it before I did. I was too far into my intoxication to pick up on the subtle sounds of my surroundings. I saw his body stiffen, then his gaze move toward the door. His fingers tightened around mine protectively. Fear slowly crept up my sides, knowing something was wrong. My brain was too sluggish from the alcohol to comprehend what was happening. I sat there, confused, until I heard it. I felt my heart drop.

  Maziar’s voice carried through the crowd like the methodical hum of a bee’s wings. At first, I just stopped breathing. I had to be imagining it, like the hundreds of other times I’d thought I heard or saw him. Then, I looked up at Ben and saw the worry resting in those heartbreaking eyes and knew he was really there.

  I instinctively let go of Ben’s hand and saw the disappointment flash across his face, but it didn’t register. I was too preoccupied with my own feelings. I slowly turned in my seat, desperate to confirm I wasn’t hallucinating.

  I recognized Pasha immediately. He had his head back, laughing loudly at something someone had said. His arm was draped around a tall, thin, blonde girl with a short, black miniskirt and a very flattering top, accentuating her fake assets. I didn’t recognize her, but that wasn’t surprising. Pasha frequently changed up his flavor of the month.

  I saw Emanuel and Azi standing to his left. I was suddenly hit with a pang of jealousy at seeing Azi with all of Maziar’s friends. I wanted to cry. She unconsciously looked in my direction and froze with shock. Then, she smiled kindly, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

  I had suddenly found myself in some unfathomable nightmare.

  I scanned the group, looking from one person to the next, searching for Maziar. He was blocked by the semi-circle the others had formed. I silently sent a prayer that he was there alone. I begged God to save me from having to see him with someone else.

  The hostess approached them to say their table was ready. As the group started to disperse, Maziar came into view and, much to my dismay, I saw that his arm was draped around someone. I didn’t recognize her. She was a few inches taller than me, coming up to his forehead. She was lanky and tall where I was short and petite. She reminded me of a supermodel. Her light brown hair fell midway down her back, complemented by her dark chocolate brown eyes. They stood out against the lightness of her skin. She was leaning into Maziar’s shoulder, smiling happily, as she listened to the conversation going on in front of her.

  The hate I felt for her consumed me. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to launch myself across the restaurant and pummel her. At the same time, I desperately wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole, whisking me away from the hell I’d suddenly found myself in.

  As I tried to figure out what to do, he looked over at me. The color drained from his face. His muscles stiffened with recognition, but he managed to maintain his casual attitude so as to not alert his date to my presence. He just stared at me, trying to have a silent conversation I couldn’t understand.

  Azi saw the exchange between us. In what I assumed was her attempt at helping, she walked up to Maziar’s date and asked her to go to the bathroom. She was clueless to what was happening, so she agreed.

  I suddenly stood up. I couldn’t be there any longer, the walls closing in on me; I was suffocating. I looked over and realized both Ben and Seti were staring at me. I couldn’t find the words for an explanation.

  “I need to go outside,” I said. “I’ll be right back.” I pushed my chair out before either of them had a chance to offer to come with me. I squeezed Ben’s hand as I turned for the door in an impotent attempt at alleviating the tension.

  Maziar’s friends had already started toward their table, so they were no longer barricading the entrance. He stood halfway between his table and the front door, stuck in a profound moment of crossroads.

  I ran through the entrance of the restaurant and halfway down the block, not caring how pathetic I looked to anyone watching. There was a bus bench, and I reached for it, trying to steady my shaking body. I tried to slow my breathing, afraid I’d hyperventilate. I was shaking all over. I moved to the front of the bench and sat down before I collapsed onto the sidewalk. I put my face in my hands and started to cry. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again.

  Part of me was certain that Maziar would run out after me. But he didn’t. A few minutes later, I felt a hand rest on my shoulder. I felt the heat radiate through my arm and knew it was Ben before I turned around.

  “Are you okay?” he asked as I looked up at him.

  I could see the conflict he was facing. He wanted to help me because he cared for me, but at the same time he wanted to hate me for not being over Maziar. I had no words of comfort to offer him. I just placed my hand on his wrist and pulled him around the bench to sit next to me. He put his arm around me, not saying a word, letting me deal with the war raging inside me. There was a tenderness in his embrace I knew I wasn’t worthy of.

  I ached for Maziar and the part of me that still loved him when I desperately didn’t want to. I fought the tears that wanted to fall, because he didn’t run out after me. I knew he was over me, and I could think of nothing more heartbreaking than that. Then, I thought of Ben and how I’d kept us in limbo for months because I was too terrified to take the next step with him. I knew he deserved better than me, but I didn’t want to lose him. All the while he sat patiently beside me, in the quiet cool of the evening, each of us lost in the avalanche of what tonight had done to us.

  “I can’t go back inside,” I said.

  “Okay, I’ll go deal with the check. Then, we can leave.”

  He was standing to go when I reached out and grabbed his arm. I stood up and pulled him in, throwing my arms tightly around his neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and we just stood there, letting the breeze blow away the remnants of the evening.

  “Thank you
,” I said, “for being so amazing.”

  I pulled back and looked into his eyes so he could see the truth behind my words. He smiled a halfhearted smile, all he could manage after the emotional beating he’d taken. I leaned in and kissed his cheek, my lips brushing against the corner of his mouth. Then, I sat down on the bench, staring at the cracks in the concrete, listening to the shuffling of his feet as he walked away.

  I wanted badly to kiss him, to get lost in the way he felt about me. I wanted to feel Ben’s body up against mine, to escape from the pain I was feeling into the bliss of two bodies ignited together. I wanted to lie curled up next to his warmth, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I wanted his safety.

  He deserved for me to love him as much as he loved me. He deserved to have all of me and not just the little viable pieces that were left behind in this hollow shell of my body. He deserved the world. I wanted to love Ben.

  Seti came out and walked over to sit next to me. I was staring out at the street, watching an old napkin swirl around the concrete in a dance with the wind. She put her arm on my leg and just watched it with me for a while.

  “I’m sorry for running out and making a scene,” I finally said.

  “It’s fine. No one other than me noticed.”

  “Good.”

  “So that was Maziar,” she said, more as a fact than as a question.

  “Did he look like he cared that he’d seen me?” I asked, holding my breath. I’d run out so quickly that I had no idea what his reaction to seeing me was.

  “He watched you leave and you could tell he wasn’t sure if he should come out after you or not. The guy he was standing with leaned in and said something. Maziar shook his head. I couldn’t hear them. His date came out of the bathroom and grabbed his arm. Then, they walked over to the table,” she said, looking at me sadly. “He did seem distracted, though, and kept glancing back at the door. He kept looking at Ben, too.”

  I wanted to believe that Maziar was tormented by the idea of Ben and me together. I wanted him to feel how I felt when I saw him with her. I let myself take his distraction as a small win.

  “But he didn’t bother coming out after me,” I said, tears threatening my resolve. I pushed them back, refusing to let Maziar make me weak.

  “I’m sorry,” was all Seti could offer.

  We sat in the silence of the cool evening, no words left to say. Ben came out a few minutes later, holding his keys.

  “Ready to go?”

  “Yeah, I’m ready,” I said, hugging Seti goodbye.

  Ben and I walked side by side toward the car. I leaned in and playfully bumped him, trying to lighten the heavy mood. He looked at me and smiled, but it never reached the corners of his eyes. I felt pain ache in my heart at how I’d made him feel inadequate tonight. He witnessed a confirmation of my unresolved feelings for Maziar, and in turn interpreted it as a lack of feelings for him. But, that wasn’t true. I did have feelings for him, despite my feelings for Maziar. I was suddenly desperate to make him see that.

  I wasn’t over Maziar, but I couldn’t lose Ben.

  We got in his car, and he started to drive. For the first time, there was an awkward silence between us. It was uncomfortable and out of place. I started to feel anxious as I sensed Ben pulling away from me. The panic crushed me under its weight as I realized I could be losing him. I had lost Maziar; that was determined with finality tonight. I could not bear to lose Ben as well.

  “Will you go somewhere with me?” I asked, the pleading heavy in my voice.

  “Sure,” he said with a sigh; apparently his patience had run thin.

  My heart began to pound against my chest. He inched closer to his window, visibly retreating away from me. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and tell him he couldn’t leave me too.

  “Where did you want to go?” he said, even though he seemed uninterested in going anywhere with me.

  I told him to exit on Hayvenhurst, making a right up into the canyons. We drove for a few minutes, turning onto Mullholland Boulevard. The road became winding, weaving in and out of residential areas along the mountainside. As we got closer, the homes began to spread out and become less noticeable.

  At the top of the hill sat a church. It was a large white building with a gray tiled roof. It didn’t have the large arches familiar from most churches, but a more traditionally shaped roof. I imagined that the large stained-glass window in front projected a rainbow of colors onto the pews when the sunlight shined through. My favorite part was the red doors.

  It sat on the edge of a cliff, overlooking the mountains. There were parking spots along the side that looked out onto the view. I guided Ben to the far corner, farthest away from the church. We parked under an alcove of trees. From here, all the lights of the city below glittered in silence.

  Ben turned the car off but didn’t face me. He just continued staring out the window. I didn’t know what to say, or how to begin to explain the conundrum of emotions I was feeling. I could still feel my heart beating wildly against my chest. I took a deep breath, realizing this was it.

  I was now in the moment where I would have to decide on which path I was going to take, or I’d lose them both. I wasn’t sure if I could ever stop loving Maziar, but I knew I couldn’t lose Ben. He had been my anchor, my strength. He’d forced me to move forward when I couldn’t. He had held my hand and guided me through the storm. There was a place in my heart for him, and I knew that with unfailing certainty.

  “Ben, I’m so sorry,” I said, turning to face him, but he wouldn’t look at me.

  “For what? You haven’t done anything.” He sounded defeated, devoid of the brightness I was so accustomed to seeing in him.

  “I know tonight was terrible. I hate that you had to see it. I hate that you saw me like that.”

  He looked at me then, the pain in his eyes expressing the broken heart he was feeling. I reached out and grabbed his hand.

  “Don’t,” he said, pulling it away. He sounded tired. His pain was etched into his features, like roads drawn on a map that I’d created.

  “Please don’t leave me,” I said, silently pleading with my eyes.

  “Why shouldn’t I leave you? Is it because you don’t want to be alone, or is it because it’s me you want to be with?” he asked angrily, catching me off guard.

  I could see him struggling to maintain his composure, straining against his own restraints. I knew he had every right to hate me, but I desperately didn’t want him to. I cared about Ben. His unwavering loyalty had kept him in my life through my relationship with Maziar, patiently waiting for his chance. Tonight, I’d seen that Maziar was no longer mine to hold onto. He hadn’t even cared enough to come after me.

  But Ben had.

  It was depressing to think that Maziar could go from being my everything to becoming nothing as we both faded into memories. But, as sad as I found that to be, the reality of it was that he was gone. I’d waited four months for him. I’d given him one hundred and twenty-two days to come back to me, and in that time, I hadn’t heard from him at all. His life had moved on without me while mine stood at a standstill. I was done waiting for him.

  I had this amazing guy standing before me, desperate for me to love him. He could have his pick of girls. Women threw themselves at him everywhere we went, but he only had eyes for me. I could love him. I deserved to love someone like him.

  I placed my hand on his face, felt his resolve waver up against my palm. He leaned in slightly, absorbing the little comfort the moment allotted him.

  “I’m not afraid of being alone. It would probably be easier for me to never love another human being again,” I said, staring into the deep blue ocean of his eyes. “If I stay alone, I wouldn’t take the risk of getting hurt.” I moved closer to him, my face inches away from his. This time he didn’t pull away. “So it’s you I don’t want to lose, not the possibility of being alone.”

  I could see his pulse racing in his neck. I leaned in, placing my lips up against his. I had
thought of this moment so many times in the past few months. I felt an explosion occur between us, wrapped up in warmth and covered by my need for him. He slipped his hand behind my head and wrapped his fingers in my hair. His mouth moved up against mine in a rhythm that was unfamiliar, but natural, both at the same time. He slipped his other hand around my waist and in one fluid motion pulled me from my seat onto his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pushed my body into him. He held on to me tightly, as if he were afraid I would fly away.

  We explored each other’s lips, neck, the tender skin beneath our ears. Our hands ran over the fabric of our clothing, wanting desperately to tear it away, but refraining. Our bodies guided our emotions up to the surface where they could no longer remain quiet. I wrapped myself around him, trying to eliminate any doubt left between us.

  We sat intertwined in the front seat together and stared out the window afterward, enjoying the backdrop to our very first moment in the story of us. The weight of the evening had dissipated, bringing with it a new lightness in the air. My back leaned against his chest and I could feel the rhythmic rise and fall of his breath. It was soothing.

  As I looked out onto the city lights, I realized I was moving away from the life I’d imagined with Maziar and into one I hadn’t imagined before. It was both terrifying and exhilarating. I leaned forward and wrapped my fingers around the clasp of my necklace, removing it from my neck. I slid it inside my pocket.

  A smile spread across Ben’s face, this time reaching his eyes.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The end of August brought with it the end of our internships. We were sad to go, but Seti had hinted that we should look her up once we graduated. We were hopeful that we would work with her again.

  I had decided that I would move in with Sandra for the coming school year. I hadn’t discussed it yet with my parents and was nervous about talking to them. In the Iranian culture, it was generally accepted that women remained in their parents’ households until they were married. There were exceptions, as with anything, such as moving out for school, but those were usually in scenarios where the school was located in another state or too far away to make the drive daily. My forty-five-minute drive to USC would not be long enough to adequately tip the scale in my favor. At least not for my parents.