Darwin's Paradox

by Nina Munteanu

  Why did his sudden honesty make her feel uncomfortable? Was it just that she wasn’t used to it? He’d rarely confided seriously and honestly with her during their affair twelve years ago. As a matter of fact, he’d had little time for words at all, she recalled, and when he did speak usually in the heat of some argument he said awful things to her.

  Frank’s lips tightened and he looked beyond her for a moment, remembering. “I had my suspicions all along about certain things, especially the Secret Pols, but I had no idea of the extent of the treacherous influence she wielded. To kill our fathers and weave such a cruel tapestry of intrigue that I felt compelled to avenge the wrong person, when you were just another one of her victims.”

  Julie lowered her gaze briefly. “That’s all in the past now, Frank.” Then she looked straight into his tortured eyes. “Our fathers are dead and we can’t bring them back. But we should both be glad they were exonerated. Leonard Crane and John Langor will be remembered by all Icarians as good men now.”

  “I can’t help thinking how things might have been if I hadn’t been focused on avenging my father’s death and we’d been friends instead...”

  The way he looked at her...Julie stiffened and fought the urge to step back from him. “We can’t keep our thoughts in the past and hang on to ‘what ifs’, Frank. We have our lives to lead in the present,” she said firmly.

  “I still have to deal with what I’ve done, what I thought I was doing in the name of Icaria but was actually doing for that self-serving bitch. She fooled me completely. Tricked me into thinking she was shutting down the core and rounding up veemelds for Icaria’s sake, when she was thinking only of herself and her personal power. She even had me wrongly convinced about Victor Burke’s guilt.”

  “Gaia tricked everyone,” Julie said with a conciliatory smile, edging for the doorway and hoping to end their conversation. “You weren’t alone.”

  “I won’t be fooled again,” he said in a voice hardened with conviction and eyes narrowing as they focused on some faraway place.

  “You always were an excellent purveyor of justice,” she offered.

  His eyes snapped back to hers. “No, that was you. You were the one who always kept on the true path of justice, thinking of others, saving others.” He moved forward and reached out to clasp her hands. But when she involuntarily jerked back, he dropped his arms to his sides and his whole body sagged, and suddenly aged ten years. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Julie. I wanted to believe you were bad so I could punish you for all the big hurts inside me: for getting Darwin disease, for losing you and being left alone in a world I no longer believed in...” His head drooped and he ended in a hoarse whisper, “Perhaps it wasn’t even all those things, but that you saved everyone else and didn’t try to save me...”

  Oh, what power he’d given to her! she thought, overcome with remorse. And so unfair. Was this his way of saying he was sorry for raping her? Could she forgive him? “I better go,” she said, her voice breaking, and backed away. “They’re waiting for me—”

  “Wait,” he said abruptly. “I have something for you.” He turned to a drawer and pulled out her old leather shorts and faded blue shirt. “I had them washed for you like you asked,” he said with an awkward smile, offering the clothes to her.

  Julie accepted them and without thinking brought them to her face. The sweet scent of old leather transported her into another place, a place of warmth, love and family. She opened eyes she hadn’t realized she’d closed and gazed at Frank for a moment. His look, though punctuated with pain, was not without a great deal of warmth; a warmth she hadn’t seen before in his eyes.

  “Thank you,” she said, tears threatening to swallow her words. “That was kind of you.” She’d never known him to be kind before. Not knowing what else to say, she turned to leave.

  “Julie,” he called after her with a fractured voice.

  She stopped at the door and, though almost afraid to, turned to meet his intense gaze.

  “I want you to know that I wish you all the best in life with your growing family.” Then his tight lips opened into a genuine smile of fondness. “I’m glad for your happiness.”

  “Thank you. You too, Frank,” she replied softly. “I wish you only happiness in yours,” and found to her sadness that she saw very little happiness there. She turned and left.

  54

  “Your skyship’s waiting for you just outside,” Victor informed Julie and Daniel in a voice she thought rather formal and distant. His face twitched. Why was he so nervous, Julie wondered. “It’s fueled up and will get you easily to your old place. Tyers and Raymond will escort you. They’re more than competent.” He couldn’t look at anyone for long as he stood stiffly at the end of the Pol Station hallway at an outside exit door—his emotions were too volatile. They were surrounded by well-wishers, including Zane, Carl and Manfred, Aileen and a few others. “Tyers and Raymond have loaded all your supplies. They’re waiting outside for you.”

  Then, with an almost frightened glance at Angel, Victor rested his gaze on Julie and seemed to relax briefly. He gave her an awkward smile. “You look wonderful in your heath clothing, like you never even left...”

  Julie glanced down at her old leather shorts and faded blue shirt and laughed warmly. “Only more clean,” she said, swinging her leg forward to reveal new Enviro-Center boots. She gave him a thoughtful half-smile. “A lot’s happened, a lot’s changed since I last wore these clothes.”

  “A whole world,” he said.

  She approached Victor until they were close enough to touch and continued in a quiet voice, “Thank you, Victor. Thank you for saving my family...and saving me.” She flashed her crooked smile, then caught her lower lip in her teeth to keep from bursting into tears.

  Victor hesitated then lunged forward awkwardly and threw his arms around her in a very uncharacteristic crushing embrace that made her laugh out loud and hug him right back.

  “We’ll miss you,” Victor said in a voice swelling with emotion.

  She squeezed back and whispered, “I’ll miss you too.”

  Aileen stepped forward as Victor released her. She nodded to Daniel and Julie with a warm but determined smile. She extended her hand to both of them and wished them well. Then she pressed Julie’s hand and added, “Promise me you’ll consider our offer, Julie.”

  Julie nodded, elated and uncomfortable and confused by her feelings on this matter. She felt like she was abandoning Icaria and yet they still wanted her to join the Circle. They were moments from leaving and she hadn’t yet given Aileen an answer, but the powerful member of the Circle seemed to understand. “Take your time, Julie. I’ll stay in touch, but I must go now.” She pressed Julie’s hand once more then let go and departed as Carl moved forward and cleared his throat.

  “Don’t worry, we’ll manage,” he addressed Julie’s worries. He gave her a complicated smile, one she couldn’t read for the myriad of expressions it contained, including what might have been embarrassment. “Please keep in touch.”

  She nodded. “I will.” They were all being much too accommodating, too reasonable, Julie thought and began to feel angry at herself on their behalf for leaving them in such a lurch. “I’ll come back. As soon as...I can.” Perhaps with her newborn child, she considered, with a wary glance at Daniel and Angel.

  “But what will we do in the meantime?” Zane cut in, pushing forward and showing his dismay. At least he was being sincere, Julie thought, appreciating his honesty. His eyes flashed from Carl to Victor then turned back to Julie. “You’re the only person who can communicate with SAM and Proteus at the same time—”

  “No, she isn’t,” Angel interjected. “I can too.” Carefully avoiding her mother’s eyes, Angel added, “and I’m staying.”

  “What?” Julie said, stunned.

  “I’m not coming with you, Mom,” Angel said. She’d moved next to Victor and regarded Juli
e with calm eyes. “I just came this far to say good bye.”

  Julie stared. A spike of alarm lanced through her and she heard her voice shake, “What do you mean? Of course you’re coming home with us.”

  “No, I’m staying here. This is where I belong for now, anyway.” She glanced briefly at Manfred. “With Proteus and our new people, with Victor and the other veemelds. I can help them. I know what to do. They explained it to me.”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re just a child.” Her gaze darted from Angel to Victor, who avoided her eyes and was visibly shaking. It was obvious that he already knew of Angel’s decision. Perhaps even played a part in it. Anger flushed into her face.

  “I’ve made up my mind and you can’t stop me,” Angel said quickly, seeing her mother’s reaction. “Good bye Mom and Dad.” She backed away.

  “No!” Julie lunged out to pull Angel with her, but Angel darted back, clutching Victor and pulling him vigorously away from Julie and Daniel. Victor stared at Julie, his face white, as he let Angel drag him down the hall, followed by Carl and a confused Zane. Julie surged forward and met a barricade. Daniel had seized her in a strangling embrace and held her back. “Let me go!” she snarled at him, pummeling his arm.

  “Julie,” Daniel said, “You can’t do this all on your own. You have to let go, let someone else carry it “

  “But not Angel! Not my child!” she wailed, straining against his strong hold. Not after she’d just gotten Angel back!

  “Who else?” he reasoned in a calm voice. “She’s the right choice, the only choice. It’s for Icaria, your Icaria. And she wants to. You can’t protect her forever. She’s becoming a young woman now. Capable of making her own decisions.”

  She turned to him in sudden rage. “You knew no, you planned this. You’ve given her away just like.” Her throat closed in a spasm of surging emotion.

  “Just like your father gave you away,” Daniel quietly finished for her.

  At his words the dam inside her broke and her body shook with racking sobs. She watched her little girl practically run down the hallway without looking back. No, not little, and certainly not a girl anymore. Daniel was right. Angel had grown up. In facing her challenges in Icaria, Angel had demonstrated a wisdom, courage and trust that had far surpassed her own. Julie suddenly realized that she’d accomplished what she’d hoped in nurturing her child toward the incredible young woman that she now was growing into.

  Weeping with a mixture of pride and sadness, Julie watched her daughter disappear around the corner to fulfill her destiny as a leader of a new race of Icarians.

  “Why did she run away like that?” she gasped through her remaining sobs. “Like she was scared of me, her own mother...”

  “I don’t know,” Daniel said softly and stroked her hair. “Maybe for the same reason you left us so suddenly in the heath. Or maybe for the same reason we didn’t tell you about our plan until now. I’m sorry, Julie. Please don’t be mad at me. We all agreed, even Angel, that you’d never go for it, never give her up, no matter how we rationalized it to you.”

  “You didn’t trust me,” she whispered sadly, sagging wearily in his arms.

  “I’m sorry,” Daniel said in a hoarse voice of shame.

  Then, like a clear shaft of light, Angel’s sweet voice came to her: Mom?

  Oh, Angel! Why didn’t you tell me?

  I had to run away because you would have persuaded me to come with you and I had to go while I still could...

  Oh, Angel, I’m trying to understand. You just startled me...I wasn’t ready for this...not prepared...She realized she was blubbering and close to being incoherent as sobs rose up in her throat again.

  Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be okay. And it’s only for a while. A couple of years at most.

  I want you to know that I...trust you. I believe in you. Julie closed her eyes and leaned against Daniel, who stroked her arm. Then, gently holding her to him, Daniel led them to the exit.

  Mom?

  Julie raised her head. Yes, honey?

  I just want you to know that I’ll always be your little girl. And that I love you so much!

  I’m so proud of you, Angel. I love you too.

  Then she and Daniel were through the doors and bursting into the daylight of the heath where the skyship awaited them. As the soft turf gave way beneath her feet, Julie inhaled the heath’s peppery smells and felt the expansive freedom of the drifting breeze caress her skin, blowing away the staleness of the city.

  A bird’s whoop drew her attention and she turned to stare as a large bird took flight out of the nearby marsh, great wings beating as if in slow motion. A heron—No! Unmistakable, this time, it was a crane. Was it possible that this bird wasn’t extinct after all? As Julie watched the bird soar gracefully away, the deep ache in her heart lifted a little and she caught a fleeting glimpse of her father’s universe: a universe completely and totally connected by a fine network of gossamer web. A universe in which a daughter and a mother, miles apart, could talk to one another through a virus. A world that fed into an eternal cycle of altering form...nano-soup...the cell of a beating heart...the suspended dust upon which bloomed a blushing sky. In her father’s universe you took it as far as you could, then let nature’s wisdom take care of the rest: stable chaos.

  Daniel touched her shoulder. “Are you going to be okay?”

  Julie turned to him, and everything, including his hair, sparkled as though they were standing in SAM’s crystal matrix. She wiped the tears from her eyes and linked her hand with his. “Yes, I will be now.” She smiled. “We’re going home.”

  Epilogue

  DresseD for bed in a warm nightdress, Julie stood barefoot by the window of their bedroom, looking out at the December moon. She heard Daniel shuffle in from the bathroom with a yawn. The dog stirred at their bedside and she heard it wriggling and whimpering to be patted. Daniel murmured to the golden retriever puppy, ruffled its fur and told it to lie down. Victor had presented Ben as his house-warming gift, for this house he’d built for them a few months ago.

  Julie heard Daniel slide into bed. The dog let out a long, dramatic sigh and settled down. The moon was large and still hung low over the horizon, cutting a swath of jewels through the lake that sparkled back into the deep night. Lake Ontario, they’d called it once. Long ago, she and Daniel had walked its shores for miles and eventually fallen in love there. Now, as she gazed out over the heath to the lake from their newly furnished home outfitted with Icaria’s amenities, she felt a tug on her heart. Not a longing tug like she’d felt in the past, but rather the blissful serenity that came with completion and a sense of home. No regrets.

  Daniel pulled her out of her reverie by saying softly, “There’s a full moon out, honey.”

  “I know, dear. I’m looking at it.”

  “Come to bed, darling.”

  “In a minute,” she replied. Yes, she was finally at peace. But there was one final thing...

  She didn’t turn when she heard Daniel get out of bed and approach her from behind. She felt his body gently lean up against hers. Then he slipped his arms around her waist and softly caressed her distended belly. “How’s Willy today?”

  “We’re not calling him Willy,” she said rather sternly, still facing the moon.

  “Well,” he began in a voice that suggested to her that he was smiling, “you’ve shot down all my other suggestions.”

  “I don’t consider ‘Buddy’ or ‘Breezy’ to be serious efforts at naming our son,” she scoffed. Daniel laughed softly and she pictured his dimpled face and eyes crinkling with amusement. Through Proteus she knew the five-month old unborn child she was carrying was a healthy boy. As for his destiny in the world, she wisely left that to God. She’d learned from her experience with Angel that she could never prepare for the bizarreness of reality.

  “Angel ‘called’ today,” she said
, referring to her communication with her daughter through Proteus.

  “What’d she say?”

  “It’s tough running a city when you’re a twelve year old. Actually, she was dealing with Zane’s latest tizzy fit,” Julie said, smiling as Daniel chuckled. “He doesn’t want to use his dream-device on her class, says it’s too dangerous. I think that last time he and I did it scared him witless.”

  Daniel squeezed her. “Do you blame him?”

  “No. It scared me too, but from the start, Angel chose a different path with Proteus. Anyway, she also said that Victor would drop by tomorrow with some data on the latest Proteus inoculations.”

  Victor’s house was only a few kilometers away. At one time it was the only house on the heath. Daniel had stumbled upon it on one of his outdoor hikes twelve years ago, when going outside wasn’t fashionable. Now, along with their modest home, it was one of a dozen or so houses that dotted the heath near the city. Mostly Circle members, like herself. Preferring to live amiably with nature in zero-polluting and 100% self-sufficient units amidst the sounds, smells and sights of the heath.

  She remembered the day Victor had appeared at the doorstep of their cabin five hundred kilometers away, looking exhausted from his long skyship journey but beaming with a wonderful conspiratorial smile. He’d come with a message from Aileen Rourke and all the other Circle members, unanimously inviting Julie into the Circle. The invitation had come with one condition: that they move closer to Icaria. Victor had prepared a well-rehearsed speech about the advantages to them, including services for their coming child and the fact that he’d already built them a wonderful house, complete with a house-warming gift.