Once Pure

by Cecy Robson

  Angus rolled his eyes. “Aw, hell, here we go. How ’bout it, Sofe? Will you help out your future brother-in-law?”

  I almost messed up my artwork. “Um…sure, but it may bother Killian to hear you say that.”

  Angus drew his bushy brows tight. “Say what? ‘Hell’? I say that shit all the time.”

  Declan laughed. “I think she means you calling her Kill’s future wife.”

  Angus seemed confused. “But he’s liked you since before he got pubes.” He lifted his head. “Hey, Wren!”

  “What?”

  “Hasn’t Kill liked Sofia since before he got pubes?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “ ’Cause she’s saying he won’t like me calling her my sister-in law,” Angus told her.

  Declan laughed while my face burned hot enough to melt the walls. “That’s not what I said,” I insisted.

  “Wait—what?” Molly left her painting to drape her body over the railing. “Kill asked you to marry him?”

  “He didn’t say anything—”

  Wren tossed her paintbrush in the can and hurried to stand beside Molly. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She seemed hurt. “What the hell, Sofe? I thought you and me were tight.”

  “We are tight. There’s nothing to tell.”

  “Of course there is. This is huge!” Molly said. “Hey, Angus. Maybe we could do a double wedding.”

  Angus put down his roller brush. “I don’t want that shit.”

  Neither did I.

  Everyone spoke at once, ignoring me when I tried telling them that no, Killian and I weren’t engaged. For as loud as they were, no one was listening to anyone. I was begging God to teleport me out of the house when Curran poked his head out of the bedroom. “Kill seriously asked Sofe to marry him?” he asked.

  “Yes,” Molly and Wren answered.

  I glanced up. “He didn’t ask me anything.”

  Everyone ignored me, again. “Finn!” Curran hollered. “Why didn’t you tell me Kill got down on his knee for Sofia?”

  “I don’t ask what they do during sex,” Finn shot back defensively. “That’s none of my business and none of yours either, asshole!”

  Killian opened the front door then because, well, why not? His white T-shirt clung to his sweat-soaked and ripped body. He’d been pushing his body to the limit for his upcoming fight in Vegas and had gained at least ten pounds of muscle. He finished the bottle of water in his hand. “Hey. Looks good.” He grinned my way. “Hi, princess.”

  Before I could finish climbing down, Killian gathered me by the waist, making me squeal. He kissed me and smiled as he lowered me to my feet. “Family coat of arms?” he asked, motioning up.

  “Do you like it?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. Nice touch.”

  Angus abandoned his ladder. He clapped Killian’s shoulder as the rest of the O’Briens clambered down the steps. “Congratulations, little brother. When’s the date?”

  My head jerked in his direction. No…no, no, no, no.

  “My fight? The thirtieth—I thought you already booked the flights.”

  “I mean you and Sofia, numb nuts.”

  “She told us youz were getting married,” Seamus explained on his way down.

  Killian froze, no longer smiling. I edged away from him when his hands slipped from my waist. “I-I didn’t say that,” I stammered.

  Curran glanced around. “Yeah, you did.”

  I held my hands out. “I really didn’t.”

  “We’re a little young, I think,” Killian said, his tone flat.

  For the first time ever, the O’Briens fell completely silent. There was no yelling, no jabs, no nothing. Awkward would have been a welcome feeling. This—the tension mixed with shock and disappointment—was something that rushed out of left field and smacked me hard across the face.

  Angus glanced between us. “There’s time,” he offered. “No rush, right? You’re kids—just kids.”

  “Right, right, kids, young,” everyone else muttered at once.

  The timer from the oven was the only thing that saved me. “I’ll go check on dinner,” I added numbly.

  Wren and Molly followed behind me, but not before I heard Declan mutter, “I don’t think she said anything like that, Kill. The rest of us—you know—just assumed that’s where you were headed. She’s a good girl, that Sofia.”

  Killian didn’t answer and I didn’t bother to glance up to gauge his reaction. We’d grown so close, and while we were young and hadn’t discussed marriage, there was no doubt I’d spend my life with him if he asked.

  Yeah, I’d thought about us and our forever more than once.

  It didn’t appear, though, that he’d done the same.

  When we sat to eat as a family, it didn’t take long for the conversation to resume full swing. Everyone had something to say. Everyone, except maybe me.

  “Did you fill out the application?” Curran pointed at Finn with his fork. “Deadline’s in a month. You want to be considered for the academy in the fall, you need to do that shit quick.”

  Finn shrugged. “I’m still thinking about it. Just don’t know if the force is for me.”

  Angus shook his head. “Neither was construction.”

  Seamus speared more lamb onto his plate. “Neither was carpentry.”

  Declan grinned. “Gotta do something with your life, Finnie. You’re almost twenty.”

  Finn laughed. “Maybe I’ll be a hotshot DA like you, Declan.”

  “Then get your ass back in school,” Declan told him.

  Finn spooned some potatoes onto his already heaping plate. “I think I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.”

  “Living with me and spending all Grammie’s inheritance?” Wren muttered.

  Finn smirked. “You’re just pissed ’cause I was Grammie’s favorite.” When he returned his focus to Killian, his humor dissolved. “I want to be a partner at the MMA gym—a real one. Put me down for fifteen percent of the business.”

  Killian straightened. “You serious? That’s a lot of money.”

  “Yeah. I am, and I’ve got the bills to prove it.”

  Killian turned my way. “What do you think?” he asked me quietly.

  I played with the food on my plate. “Your business. Your call.”

  Things quieted around the table. Killian, like the rest of his family, had expected me to say more—advise him like I had over the last few months. He placed his hand on my knee. “Babe,” he said, trying to draw more out of me.

  When I didn’t respond, he angled around and offered Finn his hand. “You’re on.”

  Killian’s family cheered except for Wren. “Whoa, in that case put me down for the other fifteen.” She hooked her thumb to Finn. “I’ll be damned if I let this little bastard be the boss of me.”

  Everyone laughed except for me and Killian. I couldn’t bring myself to pretend like nothing was wrong between us. It took all I had not to get up and walk out the front door. I remained quiet during the rest of dinner and cleanup. When nine o’clock came, everyone piled out. I kissed cheeks and said goodbye like a good little hostess, even though I didn’t feel like much of one anymore.

  I sat on the steps, waiting for Killian to wrap up his conversation with Finn. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to talk to him, and debated what to do. Did I still belong here with him?

  It wasn’t like I expected Killian to propose anytime soon, but his reaction toward marrying me had stung. He shut the door to the foyer and stepped back, his hands on his hips, his eyes scanning the area until they fell on his family’s crest.

  “The place looks better than I ever thought it could,” he said. “Even nicer than the plans you showed me.”

  I nodded, my attention returning to my lap. “I’m going to head out and see my mother. Check on her, make sure she’s okay. It’s been a while and she’s leaving for Florida in a few days.”

  Killian’s voice lowered. “Are you only going to check on her? Or are you planning on staying the nigh
t?”

  I knew he was frowning even before I stood to face him. “I’m thinking I should stay.”

  “For just the night?” I didn’t answer. “Sofia, I don’t want you to. I want you with me.”

  I angled my chin toward the staircase. It didn’t seem like that before.

  Killian waited for me to say something more. Instead I took a step up, stopping when he reached for my hand. “If you go, you won’t come back, will you?”

  I wiped my eyes. I didn’t want to cry, but there I was, doing just that. “I didn’t say anything about marrying you to your family.”

  “I know.” His hold loosened slightly. “My family likes you. They’re going to talk. They’re going to say things. I just wasn’t expecting them to say things this soon.”

  “And I wasn’t expecting your reaction,” I told him truthfully.

  “You don’t think I want to marry you.”

  He wasn’t asking me. He was stating what he thought I believed. When I remained silent, he pulled me carefully to him. “Like I said, we’re young,” he told me. “But marrying you is something I’ve thought a lot about.”

  My lips parted. “You have?”

  He nodded and stroked a lingering tear away from my cheek. Considering I was the one who cried, he appeared devastated. “Then why did you react like you did?” I asked. “And why do you look so sad?”

  He watched me for a moment, outwardly torn with what to say. “I’m not the man you think I am. I’ve made mistakes and done things I’ll regret for as long as I live.” He sighed. “Some things can’t be undone, and some things…you can’t forgive.”

  I searched his face, trying to understand. For all that he meant to me, how could he think I wouldn’t love him no matter what? “Killian…”

  “I want to be the man you deserve.” He held me so gently, I could barely feel his touch. “Will you stay with me, and let me try?”

  I stayed. Of course I stayed, losing myself in his embrace, and foolishly ignoring his words.

  I found out the hard way that he was right. Some things just can’t be undone.

  Chapter 23

  I continued to grip Killian’s shoulders, rocking my hips as we both finished. Our bodies shuddered, our eyes locked, and the heat between us surged. Beads of perspiration formed between my breasts. We’d spent the last few hours in a tangled mess of limbs. And I wasn’t sure either of us was ready for it to end.

  As our lips met in a deep sensual kiss, he lifted us from the cushioned chair we’d used and lowered us onto the bed. “I’m going to pull out. Okay?” he rasped.

  “Okay.”

  Although he’d given it time, we groaned as he separated us. He’d taken the day off from training just to be with me. We’d gone up to Allentown for the afternoon to see Lety and Brody, and returned for a nice dinner out alone. Our time today was an effort to make up for the hours apart he’d spent training. Twenty days. That was all he had left before his championship match in Vegas.

  Killian kissed the tip of my nose. “What are you thinking about?” He laughed when I didn’t answer. “I’m going to be okay. You worry too much.”

  “It’s hard for me to see you hurt.”

  “I know,” he said quietly.

  “Will this be the last…for sure?”

  “Yeah. I’m ready.”

  I lowered my gaze. “Even if you lose?”

  “You think I’ll lose?”

  I shook my head. “It’s not that I don’t believe in you. I just know, in that Octagon, anything can happen. One wrong move’s enough to change things up.”

  “Yeah. You’re right. For as much as I’m training, anything’s possible.”

  “So if it happens—I mean, if you don’t manage to win. Will you still retire?”

  “You want me to, don’t you?”

  “I’ll never make you do anything you don’t want to do, Killian. But I won’t lie to you. I don’t want you to keep fighting.” I bit my lower lip. “But you already know that, don’t you?”

  “Yeah. I do.” He stroked back my hair, thinking things through. “It will be harder to walk away if I lose—I’d rather go out on top. But I know this isn’t my future. A lot of veteran fighters aren’t doing too hot. Their brains are busted, and their bodies are hurtin’ all the time. I don’t want that for me. I still have a lot of life left.” He smiled. “I want to enjoy it.”

  I returned his grin. “I want you to enjoy it, too.”

  He pulled me to him for another long kiss. The April rain pattered gently against the roof. But it was the flashing red and blue lights against our walls that had us sitting up.

  Killian swore and rushed to his feet, yanking on a pair of sweats. He pulled back the curtain. “It’s Curran. He’s got Finn.”

  I already had on my panties and was hooking my bra. “He’s in trouble?”

  He kissed my head. “If Curran’s got him, he for sure is.”

  He rushed out as I pulled on a tight long-sleeved shirt and sweatpants. I shoved my feet into an old pair of canvas sneakers when I heard Curran’s angry voice, worried I’d have to run outside.

  “I’m sick of this shit!” Curran yelled. “It’s time you grew the fuck up.”

  “Fuck you, Curran!” Finn shot back.

  I raced out of the room in time to see Killian shove his way between his brothers. He pushed Finn back. It wasn’t hard, but Finn was clearly wasted and it threw him off balance. He fell back and crashed against the steps.

  Curran motioned at him. “Christ, do you see him? He’s a goddamn mess.”

  “You don’t know what I am. And you don’t know shit about what I’ve been through.” Finn’s voice cracked; he was seconds from losing it.

  I lowered myself beside him and rubbed his shoulder, trying to draw his attention away from Curran. Finn’s gray T-shirt was torn and his eye was swollen and bruised. He’d been in another fight, and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

  “Shhh,” I cooed. “You’ve had a rough night. Let’s go upstairs, okay?”

  Finn looked at me when my hand trailed behind his back. He nodded, but stumbled when he tried to stand. I held out my hand when his brothers moved forward. “It’s okay, I’ve got him.”

  I led him upstairs, but Curran continued to yell. “This shit can’t continue.”

  “I’ll talk to him,” Killian said.

  “You’ve talked to him before,” Curran snapped. “It’s not enough. He’s screwed in the head, Kill.” He swore. “I’m new to the force, and I’m sticking my neck out for him. You know what would’ve happened to him if I hadn’t shown—or if the other cops there hadn’t had my back?”

  They continued to argue as Finn and I stepped into the guest room. His visits were becoming so frequent, Killian had ended up buying him a bed. Although he lived with Wren, when he was this upset, Finn would only talk to Killian. Now that I knew what had happened to Finn, I understood why.

  I pressed my palms against his chest, encouraging him to sit on the bed. “I’m going to take off your shirt, okay?”

  His head swiveled back and forth slowly. “I don’t want to piss Kill off,” he said.

  “It’s okay, Finn. He’ll understand.”

  He lifted his arms, allowing me to remove his shirt, swaying a little when I finished pulling it over his head. I tossed it on the floor and helped him out of his socks and sneakers, then pushed against his shoulders until he lay back. His feet weren’t fully on the bed, so I lifted them and covered him with a sheet.

  I placed an empty garbage can near the head of the bed. “In case you feel sick, use the wastebasket, okay? I’ll be right back.”

  “You’re going to take care of me?” he slurred.

  “Of course I will, Finn.”

  I hurried into the guest bathroom and moistened a few washcloths under warm water. I then wrung them out and wrapped them up between two dry ones before rushing back to Finn’s side. He lay on his back, blinking at the ceiling. Based on his pallor, he seemed second
s from either passing out or hurling.

  He grimaced as I washed off his bruised and blood-smeared face. “Who’d you fight with?” I asked.

  “Three guys. I kicked their asses.”

  I crinkled my nose. “It shows.”

  He laughed. “I kicked their asses,” he said again, leaving his mouth open while I continued to pass the moist cloth against his skin.

  “Three’s a lot,” I told him. “Even for someone as tough as you.”

  “I had to. They were bothering your cousin Sal.”

  I stopped with the cloth just below his swollen eye. “You mean Sol—she was there?” I reached for the land line next to the bed. I needed to make sure she was okay.

  As out of it as Finn appeared, he seemed to know what I was trying to do and clasped my elbow. “It’s okay. I took care of it. Took care of her.”

  My eyes scanned his face and the rest of his slumped form. I wasn’t so sure Finn could take care of anything in his state. “Where is she, Finn?”

  “She went home with a friend of hers. I tried to kiss her good night.” He grinned. “She told me that I was cute and to call her…said she’d kiss me when I was sober.” His brows knitted. “You have her number, right?”

  “Ah, yeah.” I was still trying to process what he said. “You tried to kiss Sol?”

  His grin widened. “She’s pretty—nice. I like her pink hair.” He grimaced when I wiped his jaw. That was bruised, too. “I couldn’t let those assholes treat her that way.”

  I frowned. “Who was bothering her?”

  “Some dicks she went to school with. They were saying shit about her mom. They called her mom crazy—told Sol she was going to end up the same way. She tried to be all tough and stand up to them—even kicked one of the guys in the balls. It was a good kick, too. But I can tell…what they said…hurt…her…”

  I thought he’d passed out. In his silence, I heard Curran’s sharp tone echo in the foyer. “It messed him up—what was done to him. He needs professional help.”

  “Maybe,” Killian said. “But he’s not ready to take it.”