Deliver the Moon

by Rebecca J. Clark

  “I’m just saying we were both at fault. We—”

  “You left me,” she cried. “You. Left. Me.” She jammed his chest with her index finger to enunciate each word.

  Anger flared his nostrils. “Christ, Louisa! You pushed me away long before I physically left.” Just as suddenly as it flared up, the angry spark extinguished. He stared at the ground and sighed. “I could have left months earlier and you’d never have noticed.” His voice was flat, all trace of emotion erased.

  Shock widened her eyes and tears pooled in her lower lids. “You’re wrong, Gabriel. I don’t care what you say. You’re wrong. I loved you. You left me.”

  He took a deep breath. “You’re right. I did. And I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, if that makes you feel any better.”

  It didn’t. She felt awful. Like she was going to be sick. She closed her eyes and swung away from him. She needed to be alone. She needed time to think. A shaky sigh and she turned around. “Gabriel, I need to—”

  She’d gotten her wish. She was alone. He’d left again.

  ****

  Louisa stopped at Smith House just long enough to drop off the tote bag, change her shoes and grab her purse. As she stepped outside again, she scanned the street for Gabe, Sarah or Arty, but didn’t see any of them. That was good, because she wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

  She hoped the walk into town would clear her head. Gabe said she’d pushed him away, suggesting she had turned her back on their marriage as much as he had.

  Her first impulse had been to think he was being cruel, because he felt guilty about leaving her. But Gabe never said anything he didn’t mean. As far as she knew, he’d never said anything out of anger that he’d later retracted.

  She, on the other hand, didn’t have such control. She’d been quick to toss the blame back into his face, flinging accusations at him and rejecting his comments and insights.

  The activity from Water Street filled her ears as she neared the downtown. Every available parking space was filled for blocks. Up on the hill had been quiet and peaceful, just a sleepy little neighborhood in a sleepy little town. But down here were tourists galore. It was a balm to her agitated soul. She wandered through the throng, in and out of crowded shops, hoping the hustle and bustle of this thriving tourist town could settle the uneasy feeling inside her.

  She hadn’t pushed Gabe away, had she? If she had, it was only because he’d pushed her away first. Hadn’t he?

  She sorted through some beautiful Native American jewelry that she’d noticed earlier, usually a fascination of hers, without really seeing the intricate silver and turquoise patterns. Sure, she’d spent a lot of time with her family after the accident, but that was only because Gabe had been gone so much.

  Burdened with a sudden headache, she left the shop to rifle through her purse, using the sunshine to see into the deep satchel. Remembering she’d used up her last aspirin, she headed down the main street toward a drugstore she’d passed.

  After buying a bottle of Bayer and a licorice rope, she wandered next door to an antique mall. The clerk waved a greeting from behind the counter. Louisa did a double take. With his wavy long hair pulled into a low ponytail and his lean good looks, the boy reminded her of Gabe in his younger days. Not that the features were so similar, but it was the determination in the eyes mixed with a generous amount of shyness. In Gabe’s case, it had also been mixed with a lot of wariness. Too much wariness for a world that had let him down and deserted him more than once.

  The poor kid looked flustered and ill-at-ease, and Louisa realized she was staring. “Sorry,” she coughed out. “You look like someone I used to know.” She hurried out of the store, embarrassed.

  She crossed the parking lot that edged the water. Sitting down on a concrete ledge, she peered out across Port Townsend Bay. She shook out a couple of aspirin, then sputtered and choked as she swallowed them dry.

  When she’d first met Gabe, he’d been wary of her, expecting she’d turn him in for using the college darkroom when he really had no business being there. But she’d had no intention of turning him in to school authorities. Something about him had stirred her deep within. She’d started hanging out with him because she thought he needed a friend.

  When he finally opened up to her about his past, she’d been thunderstruck. As he’d described his physically and emotionally abusive foster families, her heart had gone out to the troubled little boy he must have been and to the sometimes troubled man he’d become. He’d never had anyone to love him or take care of him. All he’d wanted was a family, someone to love and be loved by. He’d never had that—not from his mother and not from his foster families.

  As he’d told her about his past, he’d tried to hide the pain in his eyes, but she had pushed beyond that and had seen the need inside him.

  She closed her eyes at a gust of wind off the bay. She’d seen the need inside him. She’d hardly known him, yet she’d understood his need for love and security. How had that realization become blinded in the course of their marriage?

  When the hair on her neck tickled and her pulse fluttered, she knew Gabe was nearby. She glanced behind her and saw him standing on the sidewalk across the parking lot, watching her, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses.

  Standing up, her legs stiff from sitting on the hard concrete, she held out her hand. When he was finally in front of her, they spoke in unison. “I’m sorry.”

  They laughed together, nervous sounds.

  Gabe spoke first. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want us to argue anymore. Every time we’re on the verge of understanding each other, we start the blame game. And I thought—”

  She touched his arm. “You’re right, Gabriel. I did push you away.”

  He took off his sunglasses. “Louisa, I didn’t mean it when—”

  “You never say anything you don’t mean,” she said quietly, pulling him down to the concrete ledge beside her. Swinging her legs over the ledge, she rested her feet on the rocky decline toward the water.

  “After the accident, it took a long time for me to heal physically,” she said. “I spent so much time concentrating on my physical healing, I didn’t work much on my emotional healing. By the time I started, you seemed to have finished.”

  “Louisa, I—”

  She touched his shoulder. “Let me get this out, okay? I thought you were over Joey’s death, ready to get on with your life. I felt I would be dragging you down if all I did was cry around you, so I cried at my parents’ instead. I can see now how you might have thought I didn’t need you.”

  Gabe closed his eyes and heaved a long sigh. “Lou, I’m still not over Joey’s death. I certainly wasn’t over it back then. But I wanted to be strong for you. I’d escaped the accident with barely a scratch while you were almost killed. You had other things to worry about than a grief-stricken husband. I thought it would be best if I grieved in private, which was why I was gone so often.”

  Recalling the crying he did at Joey’s grave, she felt the tug on her heart. “It still hurts so much,” she whispered.

  “I know. I think about him every day, and every day I hope the pain will be a little bit less, but it’s not.” His voice caught.

  It was many long moments later, after an extended silence, when he said, “Louisa. There’s something I need to know…” He peered out over the parking lot, as if at a loss for words. “When you sent the divorce papers—” He cleared his throat. “I guess I don’t understand why you did.”

  She stared at her feet, at the sand that blew across her shoes, and ground tiny shells into the shore. “I’d hoped it would serve as a wake up call. I thought you’d call me to talk about it and then we’d—” She didn’t know what else to say.

  “I didn’t see the point in calling,” he said, sounding distant, though he sat just inches away. “We were so far gone by then.”

  “So you just signed them and sent them back.”

  “I thought that’s what you wanted.”

&n
bsp; Silence blew through them again, each of them absorbed in their own thoughts, their own memories. The conversation sunk into her mind and heart. “All this time, I thought you pushed me away. That you didn’t want me anymore. When in reality, I guess we pushed each other away.” She sniffed. “We really screwed up, didn’t we?”

  He let out a long, slow breath. “We really did.”

  She wiped a tear that had collected on her lower lashes. “This is hard for me. I mean, all these years of blaming you, and now all of a sudden…” She sniffed again. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.”

  He stood up. She thought he was going to walk away again, but he held out his hand. “Come here.”

  With only a slight hesitation, she let him pull her into his arms. A tornado had upended the very ground she walked on, yet his arms gave her just the amount of support she needed to weather her stormy soul.

  His fingers spread into her hair, pressing her head to his chest. His heart beat against her ear, as it thump, thump, thumped against her cheek. In his arms was the comfort and security she’d been without all these years, his embrace seeming to tell her how much he’d hurt, too.

  His heart began to beat a little faster, a little harder. His hold on her somehow became more intimate even though he hadn’t moved his hands or pulled her any closer. She took a deep breath and stepped out of his arms, not ready for anything more. Not yet.

  “Should I just consider that a hug from an old friend, Gabriel?”

  He searched her eyes. “I don’t know,” he said. “You tell me.”

  She sucked her lower lip between her teeth. “I think we’ve given each other enough to think about right now.” She looked up at him a moment longer before bending over to pick up her purse from the asphalt.

  She hoped he wouldn’t push her for any answers. For now she just wanted to appreciate the view from the bridge they’d crossed.

  ****

  They parted ways at Smith House, Louisa claiming a headache and wanting to lie down. Gabe figured she just needed some time alone. So did he.

  They’d climbed a major hurdle today, but they hadn’t cleared them all. Admitting the double fault in their actual break-up was a huge step, but that didn’t erase his five-year absence from her life, nor the problems they’d had with her family. It didn’t erase Evan.

  Knowing he had some time to kill before meeting her for dinner, he grabbed his camera bag from the bungalow and headed back into town, hoping to get some good pictures of the festivities. But after two hours of aimless wandering through the streets with not a single promising shot, he realized his mind just wasn’t into his work today. All he could think about was her.

  He dared not get his hopes up that he and Louisa had a future together. Although neither of them had brought it up, they really needed to talk about Evan and her folks. Until they did, their relationship would be in limbo.

  Glancing at his watch, he realized he was running late. His breathing quickened at the thought of seeing her. He felt like a nervous adolescent, sweaty palms and all. Don’t rush it, man. Don’t assume anything. Don’t get your hopes up.

  He’d half hoped she’d be waiting for him at his bungalow, sitting in that wooden chair beside the door. She wasn’t. With a heavy sigh, he reached into his pocket for his key.

  “Hey.” The soft greeting spun him around. Louisa sat on the swing, draped in late afternoon shadows, which accounted for him not noticing her earlier. “Get any good shots?” She nodded at the camera bag slung over his shoulder.

  He barely managed to shake his head, so absorbed was he in the image she made on that swing. She’d changed into a lemon-colored dress, and her hair was long, loose and wild around her shoulders.

  He drew an uneven breath. “Even if I had my camera focused and ready to go, there’s no way I could possibly capture how beautiful you look right now, Lou.”

  Her gaze dropped, and a sweet blush infused her face. An awkward silence enveloped the air between them. He had an almost uncontrollable urge to fall to the ground at her feet and beg her to spend the rest of her life with him. He wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake the knowledge into her that they were meant to be together, just as he’d told her on that Seattle pier last week. But he did neither. He didn’t want her to feel pressured. If things were to work out between them again, he didn’t want even the tiniest of doubts about her feelings for him. She needed to struggle through the decisions without his help.

  “Push me, Gabriel?”

  “Why do I always have to do the pushing here, Lou? Why can’t you push me for once?”

  She saw the turbulence in his eyes, heard his double meaning. But she didn’t want to think of the decision she had to make. Right now, she was feeling a bit selfish. “I don’t want to get off yet,” she said with a small pout. “But you can join me, if you want.”

  She stood up from wooden seat and he took her place. She sat on his lap, her back to his chest. Holding onto the ropes right above his hands, she coordinated the pumping of her legs with his…or at least, she tried to. Every time they’d get going, she’d slide from his lap, and he’d have to let go of the rope with one hand in order to grasp her waist and pull her back on. After a few rounds of this, they were both laughing, the tension between them forgotten for the moment.

  “This isn’t working,” she said with a giggle as the rim of her hat bumped his forehead then flew off into a bed of moss.

  “No, it’s not. I guess you’ll have to get off and push me.”

  She peered over her shoulder. “No way, bucko. I was here first.” He smirked and shook his head. She pursed her lips. “There must be a way to make this work…” Her words trailed off as she tried to come up with a solution.

  “We don’t have to swing,” he said softly. “We could just…sway.” One of his arms slid around her waist and his warm breath grazed her hair. With his feet, he set the swing gently moving.

  Her hands tightened on the rope, and she reveled in the feeling of his arms around her. How could something that felt so right be wrong? But it was wrong, wasn’t it?

  She leaned into him, wriggling on his lap for a better position.

  He groaned. “You’re killing me, Louisa.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” She slid from his lap. “It’s all those caramel macchiatos at Starbucks I’ve been having.”

  He hooked his forearm around her waist and pulled her back tight against him. “I didn’t mean that. You’re as light as a feather. I meant—” He glanced away.

  His erection poked into her hip. Oh. She couldn’t help giggling. She craned her neck to look at him.

  His expression was only a little sheepish. “Sorry. Can’t help myself with you squirming around on top of me like that.”

  She didn’t mind. In fact, she liked how he was turned on by her. With a wicked little grin, she pumped out with her legs, setting the swing in a semblance of a swinging motion.

  “Lou,” he groaned. “Stop it.”

  She wriggled her hips again and saw the torment in his eyes.

  “Stop it, Louisa,” he said firmly. “Or else.”

  “Or else, what?”

  His large hands encircled her waist. “We’d better get off.” He slid from the wooden seat and set her down in front of him.

  “I thought you were going to threaten me with bodily harm.” She smoothed her skirt, peeking behind her to make sure she was fully covered.

  “The thought crossed my mind,” he said dryly.

  She bent to retrieve her fallen hat. He reached for it at the same time, and they stood up together, each holding onto opposite sides of the brim.

  “Oh! Thanks,” she said with a slight giggle. She pulled on the hat, but he held on, keeping her in front of him. She glanced up at him, thinking he was teasing her.

  His expression certainly didn’t look teasing. His brown eyes had darkened, and his gaze slid slowly to her mouth before meeting her eyes again. She knew what that look meant, and a slow shiver coursed th
rough her. She moistened her suddenly dry lips. Gabe watched every move without a word.

  She also knew if she tugged on her hat again, he would let go and they would head into town for dinner. Which is what they really should do. She knew what would happen if she stayed. Something purely primal rumbled in her lower belly.

  “Take off your sunglasses, Louisa.” His command was softly spoken but firm.

  She reached up and slid the glasses from her nose. Something in her eyes brought a slow smile to his mouth, but he made no move toward her. She knew he wouldn’t. He seemed convinced that he was always pushing her into things. If anything was to happen now, it was up to her. He’d given his word.

  She looked down at the hat. After a moment, she gave a faint tug. He let go, just as she knew he would. She glanced up at him. The smile was gone, and his gaze was on her mouth. Her lips tingled in response.

  Louisa knew her slightest move would act as an explosive catalyst, and the thought frenzied the butterflies in her stomach. She focused on one of the buttons on his shirt and, with a shaky breath, stepped toward him.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Gabe’s fingers grazed Louisa’s chin, gently tilting her face up until she couldn’t help but peer into his eyes.

  “I’m going to kiss you, Louisa.” His voice was soft and throaty. “And it won’t be just a kiss between friends.”

  She swallowed. Hard. He was giving her every opportunity to back away, to stop this thing before it started. Problem was, it had never really ended with them. Their problems wouldn’t go away with a simple kiss or two, but she didn’t care. All she wanted right now was to be in his arms.

  With a shaky sigh, she closed her eyes. Gabe’s lips brushed against hers, his fingers still cupping her chin. As he kissed her, his hand slid down the side of her neck, hooking his fingers behind to pull her face closer.

  When his other hand slipped to her lower back and pressed their hips together, she gasped and dropped her hat. For just an instant, she considered retrieving it, but then he deepened the kiss, and all thoughts of anything other than him flew from her mind. She moaned as he sucked her lower lip into his hot mouth and traced her inner lips with his tongue.