Deliver the Moon

by Rebecca J. Clark

  After making love to Gabe, Louisa didn’t know that there would be a decision to be had. Evan may not even want her back after she told him what had transpired this weekend. In limited detail of course.

  “Stay with me tonight.”

  “What?” She licked sauce from her fingers.

  “I want a full night with you, Louisa. I want to wake up with you in my arms tomorrow.”

  Louisa’s first thought was to say no, that she needed time to think, but something in his eyes made her change her mind. The thought of waking up in his arms sounded heavenly. She found herself nodding weakly. “Okay,” she whispered.

  A slight curve tipped his mouth. He put down his pizza and stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m done eating.”

  She closed her eyes. Don’t think about tomorrow. Don’t think about Evan or the fact that you could lose your job. Just think about now. She opened her eyes and placed her hand in his, letting him pull her to her feet. He led her slowly toward his bed.

  When the backs of her knees touched the edge of the mattress, he began to unbutton her dress. “You mentioned losing the dress.” He pushed the dress and her bra over her shoulders and let them fall to the floor. She stood naked before him in the dim light.

  His gaze swept over her body, and she flushed from head to toe. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered, turning her around so her back pressed against him. He used the position to his advantage, caressing his hands from her shoulders to her breasts to her belly. She tipped her head back, giving him access to her neck and shivering as his mouth met the sensitive area where her neck and shoulder met.

  This felt so good. So right. But then, it had felt right the first time they’d made love, too. She bit back a sigh. Gabe had been her first love. She thought he’d be her last.

  She tried to tense her body to his touch, knowing they really had no business doing this with all the unfinished business between them. But then he slipped his hand between her thighs, and his fingers slid inside her folds. She moaned and writhed against his hand. Their problems would be waiting for them back in Seattle. Why rush it? It was too late now anyway. No turning back.

  With a deep sigh, she leaned back against him, his swollen shaft pressed against her bottom through his jeans as he rubbed against her.

  His free hand reached around and cupped her breast, massaging and kneading the aching flesh. His thumb flicked over her pebbled nipple, and Louisa groaned at the exquisite sensation. His hand slid around her waist, and rubbed up and down her back, as he continued his assault on her sex. Then, suddenly he stopped.

  “Gabriel?” she whispered when his frozen state lasted more than a few seconds.

  Finally, his hands moved again, but this time they both were beneath her breasts, his fingers feather-soft, trailing a path down her ribcage and around her waist—

  Louisa’s gut clenched. He was touching her scars from the accident. “Gabriel, don’t,” she cried softly.

  He ignored her plea and traced a finger over the thin, flat ridge that ran from her breastbone to her abdomen, and another from her ribcage around to her back.

  Slowly, he turned her around and nudged her down onto the bed and knelt in front of her. He skimmed a finger down her side. Louisa shivered. The scars had faded, but were still a grim reminder of that awful night. Gabe closed his eyes.

  “Gabriel?” she whispered. When he didn’t say anything, she said, “They’re ugly, aren’t they? I was hoping you wouldn’t notice them, but—”

  He cut her words off by enveloping her in a fierce embrace. “Oh, Lou,” he moaned into her hair, hugging her tighter, not wanting to ever let go. “God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should never have made you come with me that night. I should have let you stay at your parents’ party. If I had, Joey would still be alive, and you—” The rest of his words caught in his throat.

  She cupped his shoulders and pushed him gently away from her. “Gabriel,” she said softly. Her eyes were soft and golden, full of gentleness. “The accident wasn’t your fault. The other driver was drunk, there’s no way you could have avoided the collision.”

  Her expression was so compassionate he couldn’t bear to look at her. He backed away and sat next to her on the bed, leaving space between them. “I made you come with me that night. And then—” A shaky breath cut him off again, and he turned his shoulders away from her, needing to gather his composure. God, how could he ever forgive himself? How could she ever forgive him?

  Louisa scooted closer to him and rested a hand on his thigh. His muscles tensed beneath the denim material. He couldn’t meet her eyes.

  “I’ve played this what-if game, too,” she said. “It doesn’t help. Maybe I shouldn’t have left with you. I was a grown woman, I could have stayed. Maybe we shouldn’t have gone to the party at all. Maybe we should have left Joey with a babysitter. Maybe we should have taken another way home.” She cupped his jaw and turned his face toward hers. “Stop torturing yourself, Gabriel. Stop blaming yourself.”

  “You almost died, Lou,” he said, his voice ragged. “As your husband, I was supposed to protect you, to keep you from harm. But I almost killed you. I could have lost you, too. I had a hard enough time dealing with Joey’s death. What would I have done without you?”

  She began to cry.

  He grasped her hands and lifted them to his mouth, kissing the backs of her fingers one at a time. “All this time I’ve been trying to put the past behind me, trying to get over the loss of our son,” he said. “I couldn’t figure out how anyone could ever recover from such a tragedy, how anyone could ever get their life straightened out and feel normal again. I thought there was something wrong with me, that maybe something in my past made it impossible for me to heal.”

  He let go of her hands and cupped her face, staring into her eyes. “I know now what the problem is,” he said, and he knew it with sudden clarity. “All this time I thought I was mourning only for Joey. But I was wrong. I was also mourning for you. For us. Leaving you was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I am so, so sorry.” He smoothed the hair from her face. “I love you, Louisa.”

  Louisa opened her mouth to speak, but Gabe’s finger pressed against her lips, silencing her. “Don’t say anything,” he said. “Whatever happens after we get back to Seattle, just know that I love you and that I’ll always love you. Okay?”

  She finally nodded, knowing she wouldn’t be able to speak anyway. He loved her. That wasn’t such a surprise. The surprise was hearing him say it. Throughout their marriage, he’d had a hard time saying those three little words. But now he said it with such conviction, she had no doubt he meant every word. So why was she feeling so torn inside?

  Because they’d loved each other before, too. And still they’d grown apart.

  As two fat tears rolled onto her cheeks, Gabe kissed her. She felt his love in every whisper of his lips, every caress of his hands. He proceeded to make the most exquisite, breathtaking love to her, taking her over and over to that special place. Even though she was several hours from her house, she felt like she’d come home.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The half-hour ferry ride from Bainbridge Island to Seattle seemed more like hours. Rather than fight for a seat inside the crowded boat, Gabe and Louisa stayed in the car. Sarah and Arty had driven back in Louisa’s car and were somewhere near the front of the boat. The other couple had good-naturedly ribbed them for their trickery in getting them together in Port Townsend. Louisa was pleased to see them so happy again.

  When Gabe went up for coffee, Louisa sat rigid in her seat, staring at nothing in particular out the car window.

  What was she going to do? If she had to make up her mind this very instant, she’d choose Gabe. In a heartbeat. But she owed it to Evan not to make that split decision. This was the rest of her life she was talking about. She couldn’t afford to be wrong.

  She loved Gabe. He loved her. But she also loved Evan. Granted, it wasn’t the passionate, all-consuming love she felt for Gabe,
but it was safe. It was easy. What’s more, her parents loved Evan. That was important. It wasn’t that she needed their approval so much as she wanted it. They were delighted she had found Evan. For the first time in her memory, they were proud of her. No matter the strong feelings she had for Gabe, she couldn’t just wipe out the past year with Evan because of one glorious weekend.

  For all she knew, though, Evan might not even want her back. If that was the case, would that make her decision any easier? She rubbed her suddenly throbbing temples. Was she really willing to risk everything, including her heart, with Gabe?

  She also had to accept the very real possibility that she would lose her job if she broke up with Evan, especially if she chose Gabe. And Jody certainly wouldn’t give her a glowing reference either.

  She imagined her family’s reaction if she told them she was leaving Evan. She squeezed her eyes shut at the thought. She imagined their reaction if she told them she was leaving Evan for Gabe. Oh, God—they’d be irate. Probably want to have her committed.

  Then she pictured herself saying good-bye to Gabe for the last time. Her stomach churned painfully. That thought wasn’t any less disturbing.

  Sighing, she leaned back in her seat. She wished Gram’s birthday party wasn’t this afternoon. She’d barely have time to change clothes before the guests started arriving at her parents’ house. The last thing she felt like doing today was socializing.

  The driver’s side door opened, and Gabe climbed in, handing her a Starbucks coffee. Steam escaped from the little hole in the plastic lid.

  “You were a million miles away just now,” he said quietly.

  She sipped her drink, focusing on the back window of the pickup truck in front of them. The hot coffee burned the roof of her mouth. She opened her mouth and breathed in some cool air. “Last night you said you’ve been grieving for me,” she whispered. “You told me you love me, that you’ve always loved me.”

  “I do love you, Louisa. Don’t doubt that.”

  She rubbed her finger around the rim of the lid, smudging the lipstick stain. “I don’t, but—Well, maybe I do. I mean, I believe that you love me, but…”

  “But?” He set his coffee in the cup holder.

  She wrapped both hands around the warm cardboard, peering at him from over the top. “How could I be certain you wouldn’t just leave again when things got tough?”

  Gabe closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. “Hopefully we’d never be faced with such a tragedy again, but…” He breathed out. “If you decided to take a chance with me again, I would know without a doubt that you truly loved me. Because choosing me would be going against your parents in a big way. I know how much their opinion means to—”

  He held up a hand when she started to interrupt. “I may not completely understand that, but I have to respect it. If you chose me, it would mean you’ve thought through the battle you’d have with them. You would realize it wouldn’t be easy, but you would be willing to do it, because you loved me and wanted to be with me.”

  He reached for her hand. “And I would be different, too. I would tell you every day that I loved you, so there would never be any doubt, unlike before. I can’t promise I won’t have moments when I need to be alone, but I do promise you’d know it wasn’t due to my lack of love for you. I’m a different man than I was five years ago, Louisa. I’m sober and am confident I’ll remain that way. I didn’t have that confidence before.”

  He lifted her hand and kissed her fingers. “Let me tell you how I envision our life together. I see us getting married right away and then in the fall when school starts, moving back to Chicago. You’d love it there with all the culture and art. I see us buying a great old house in one of the suburbs and we’d each have a studio for our work. You could be a full-time artist, Lou. Just like you’ve dreamed.” His eyes grew dark and more intense, if that were even possible. “And I see us having a house full of children. As many as you wanted. I see you sitting on the front porch swing, nursing our babies and singing softly to them. It’s all very clear to me. I can see us as a family again. You, me, and our kids.”

  Tears streamed down her face, and Gabe swiped them away with gentle fingers. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so verbose. She sniffled. “That all sounds beautiful, Gabriel,” she said softly. “And I would love to believe it would all be like you said, yet—”

  “Yet?” he prodded, his gaze not leaving her face.

  Her hands twisted in her lap. “I’m just feeling a little…overwhelmed by everything. You and I have come so far, and this weekend was wonderful.” She gave him a small smile, not really knowing how to continue the thought. She rubbed the white band of skin where her ring used to be.

  “But?”

  “This is all happening so fast. Two weeks ago I had the rest of my life planned out. I was going to marry Evan, move into his place, hopefully become art director…”

  She sipped her coffee. It was still scorching hot. “Now, all of a sudden, you have me thinking about moving half-way across the country, of tossing aside my career to pursue my art, of having children again, of…being with you. The balance I’ve achieved in my life is gone. And to tell you the truth, it scares me to death.”

  “Nobody’s pushing you to make any decisions right now.”

  “The minute Evan sees me, he’ll be hounding me for my decision.” Actually, he’d be hounding her to know what happened between her and Gabe. After he found out the truth, all bets were off. She groaned and pressed fingers to her temples again.

  “I know this isn’t easy for you, Louisa.”

  “It’s not easy at all,” she agreed, glancing over at him. “Why is it so easy for you? I’m not the only one who suffered these past five years. I was unfair to you, too.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t want to point fingers anymore. It’s all in the past. My only concern is the future. I have to be honest with you, it’s difficult for me to comprehend a future without you in it.” He sighed loudly and reached for his coffee. “But I know that sometimes love is not enough.” He drank.

  Louisa swirled her cup around, the liquid sloshing against the sides. “You think my parents are the big obstacle here, don’t you? Even more so than Evan.”

  “We never had a problem getting along and working through problems when we were alone. Remember how good things were when we lived at school? But after we moved to Seattle and were near your family, things started to change between us.”

  “Only because you were seeing things that weren’t there. Maybe you just weren’t used to having such a big family, I don’t know, but I felt like you wanted me to choose between you and them. In fact, you’re still asking me to choose, and I don’t think it’s fair. Like it or not, they’re a big part of my life.”

  Gabe stared straight ahead for a long time. The ferry horn blew, signaling the approach to the docks in Seattle. “I’m not asking you to choose, Lou,” he said. “I just—” A mask slid into place over his features, suggesting he didn’t want to talk about this anymore. “Look. Let’s just get you home. You’ll see Evan and your parents at the party. I imagine you’ll know right away how you feel.”

  ****

  Louisa stole glances at Gabe throughout the short drive from downtown Seattle to her place on Queen Anne Hill. They hadn’t spoken since the ferry. He wasn’t going to pressure her. The decision was hers to make.

  He was probably right. She’d know how she felt about everything when she saw Evan and her parents again.

  When the car finally pulled into the alley beside her little home, she thought for an instant he would drive off without another word or even a good-bye. As the car idled, neither of them spoke. Finally, he touched her arm. When she turned to him, he gave a shaky sigh and pulled her into his arms for a sweet, searching kiss.

  “My flight leaves on Wednesday,” he said, pushing her away and staring into her eyes for a long moment. “You know where I’m staying until then.”

  “You—you’re leaving?”
Her voice trembled softly.

  “I just got a voicemail from my editor. They’re sending me on an assignment to Japan to cover the rebuilding over there.”

  “For how long?”

  He shrugged. “It’s open ended at this point.”

  “And…after that? You’ll come back to Seattle?”

  It was a long time before he answered her, his eyes staring straight ahead into the alley. “I don’t know yet.”

  Meaning, his decision depended upon her decision. Louisa closed her eyes. She had only three days to make the most important decision of her life. “Oh my,” she whispered. “You told me I was under no pressure.” She laughed, the sound nervous rather than amused.

  His expression softened and he trailed the backs of his fingers across her cheek. “Listen to your heart, Louisa. And whatever your decision, I love you.”

  I love you, too. She peered hopelessly into his eyes. Why couldn’t she say it?

  ****

  Louisa fastened the slim gold watch around her wrist, glancing at the Roman numerals on the delicate face. The birthday guests would arrive any minute now. The crunch of gravel under tires and the slamming of car doors from the street sounded in front of the house. “Speak of the devils…”

  She lifted her hair off her neck and into a loose twist, pulling it off her neck. She hadn’t had a moment to relax or think since getting back. Within five minutes of Gabe leaving, her mom had been pounding on the door, insisting she help with last minute preparations.

  She really wasn’t in the mood to be social and cheery right now. And she certainly wasn’t ready to see Evan.

  Sighing, she sat on the daybed to slip on white ballerina flats. She peeked through lacy curtains to the main house. Guests mingled in the dining room and family room. Her great Aunt Elna saw her and waved.

  Louisa raised her hand in a weak-hearted greeting. She’d never really paid attention to how close her apartment was to the house.