MA02 Myth Conceptions

by Robert Asprin

  WE WAITED patiently for our war council. Two of us. Aahz and me. Against an army.

  This was, of course, Aahz’s idea. Left to my own devices, I wouldn’t be caught dead in this position.

  Trying to ignore that unfortunate choice of words, I cleared my throat and spoke to Aahz out of the corner of my mouth.

  “Aahz?”

  “Yeah, kid?”

  “How long are we going to stand here?”

  “Until they notice us and do something about it.”

  Terrific. Either we’d rot where we stood, or someone would shoot us full of arrows.

  We were standing about twenty yards from one of the encampments, with nothing between us and them but meadow. We could see clearly the bustle of activity within the encampment and, in theory, there was nothing keeping them from seeing us. This is why we were standing where we were, to draw attention to ourselves. Unfortunately so far no one had noticed.

  It had been decided that Aahz and I would work alone on this first sortie to hide the true strength of our force. It occurred to me that it also hid the true weakness of our force, but I felt it would be tactless to point this out.

  At first, Brockhurst had argued in favor of his coming along with me instead of Aahz, claiming that as an Imp he had much more experience at bargaining than a Pervect. It was pointed out to him rather forcefully by Aahz that, in this instance, we weren’t bargaining for glass beads or whoopee cushions, but for a war ... and if the Imp wanted to prove to Aahz that he knew more about fighting ...

  Needless to say, Brockhurst backed down at this point. This was good, as it saved me from having to openly reject his offer. I mean, I may not be the fastest learner around, but I could still distinctly remember Aahz getting the best of Brockhurst the last time the two of them had squared off for a bargaining session.

  Besides, if this meeting went awry, I wanted my mentor close at hand to share the consequences with me.

  So here we stood, blatantly exposed to the enemy, without even a sword for our defense. That was another of Aahz’s brainstorms. He argued that our being unarmed accomplished three things. First, it showed that we were here to talk, not to fight. Second, it demonstrated our faith in my magical abilities to defend us. Third, it encouraged our enemy to meet us similarly unarmed.

  He also pointed out that Ajax would be hiding in the tree line behind us with strung bow and cocked arrow, and would probably be better at defending us if anything went wrong than a couple of swords would.

  He was right, of course, but it did nothing to settle my nerves as we waited.

  “Heads up, kid,” Aahz murmured. “We’ve got company.”

  Sure enough, a rather stocky individual was striding briskly across the meadow in our direction.

  “Kid!” Aahz hissed suddenly. “Your disguise!”

  “What about it?” I whispered back.

  “It isn’t!” came the reply.

  He was right! I had carefully restored his “dubious character” appearance, but had forgotten completely about changing my own. Having our motley crew accept my leadership in my normal form had caused me to overlook the fact that Klahds are harder to impress than demons.

  “Should I …” I began.

  “Too late!” Aahz growled. “Fake It.”

  The soldier was almost upon us now, close enough for me to notice when he abandoned his bored expression and forced a smile.

  “I’m sorry, folks,” he called with practiced authority. “You’ll have to clear the area. We’ll be moving soon and you’re blocking the path.”

  “Call your duty officer!” Aahz boomed back at him.

  “My who?” the soldier scowled.

  “Duty officer, officer of the day, commander, whatever you call whoever’s currently in charge of your formation,” Aahz clarified. “Somebody’s got to be running things, and if you’re officer material, I’m the Queen of May.”

  Whether or not the soldier understood Aahz’s allusion (I didn’t), he caught the general implication.

  “Yea, there’s someone in charge,” he snarled, his complexion darkening slightly. “He’s a very busy man right now, too busy to stand around talking to civilians. We’re getting ready to move our troops, mister, so take your son and get out of the way. If you want to watch the soldiers, you’ll have to follow along and watch us when we camp tonight.”

  “Do you have any idea who you’re talking to?” I said in a surprisingly soft voice.

  “I don’t care who your father is, sonny,” the soldier retorted. “We’re trying to ...”

  “The name’s not ‘sonny,” it’s Skeeve!” I hissed, drawing myself up. “Court Magician to the kingdom of Possiltum, pledged to that kingdom’s defense. Now I advise you to call your officer ... or do you want to wake up tomorrow morning on a lily pad?”

  The soldier recoiled a step and stood regarding me suspiciously.

  “Is he for real?” he asked Aahz skeptically.

  “How’s your taste for flies?” Aahz smiled.

  “You mean he can really ...”

  “Look,” interrupted Aahz, ‘‘I’m not playing servant to the kid because of his terrible personality, if you know what I mean.”

  “I see ... um ...”The soldier was cautiously backing toward the encampment. “I’ll ... um ... I’ll bring my officer.”

  “We’ll be here,” Aahz assured him.

  The soldier nodded and retreated with noticeably greater speed than he had displayed approaching us.

  “So far, so good,” my mentor grinned.

  “What’s wrong with my personality?” I asked bluntly.

  Aahz sighed.

  “Later, lad. For the time being, concentrate on looking aloof and dignified, okay?”

  Okay or not, there wasn’t much else to do while we waited for the officer to put in his appearance.

  Apparently news of our presence spread through the encampment in record time, for a crowd of soldiers gathered at the edge of the camp long before we saw any sign of the officer. It seemed all preparations to move were suspended, at least temporarily, while the soldiers lined up and craned their necks to gawk at us.

  It was kind of a nice feeling to have caused such a sensation, until I noticed several soldiers were taking time to strap on weapons and armor before joining the crowd.

  “Aahz!” I whispered.

  “Yeah, kid?”

  “I thought this was supposed to be a peaceful meeting.”

  “It is,” he assured me.

  “But they’re armed!” I pointed out.

  “Relax, kid,” he whispered back. “Remember, Ajax is covering us.”

  I tried to focus on that thought. Then I saw what was apparently the officer approaching us flanked by two soldiers, and I focused on the swords they were all wearing.

  “Aahz!” I hissed.

  “Relax, kid,” Aahz advised me. “Remember Ajax.”

  I remembered. I also remembered we were vastly outnumbered.

  “I understand you gentlemen are emissaries of Possiltum?” the officer asked, coming to a halt in front of us.

  I nodded stiffly, hoping the abruptness of my motion would be interpreted as annoyance rather than fear.

  “Fine,” the officer smirked. “Then, as the first representative of the Empire to contact a representative of Possiltum, I have the pleasure of formally declaring war on your kingdom.”

  “What is your name?” Aahz asked casually.

  “Claude,” the officer responded. “Why do you ask?”

  “The historians like details,” Aahz shrugged. “Well, Claude, as the first representative of Possiltum to meet with a representative of your Empire in times of war, it is our pleasure to demand your unconditional surrender.”

  That got a smile out of the officer.

  “Surrender?” he chortle
d. “To a cripple and a child? You must be mad. Even if I had the authority to do such a thing, I wouldn’t.”

  “That’s right,” Aahz shook his head in mock self-admonishment. “We should have realized. Someone in charge of a supply company wouldn’t swing much weight in an army like this, would he?”

  We had chosen this particular group of soldiers to approach specifically because they were a supply unit. That meant they were lightly armed and hopefully not an elite fighting group.

  Aahz’s barb struck home, however. The officer stopped smiling and dropped his hand to his sword hilt. I found myself thinking again of Ajax’s protection.

  “I have more than enough authority to deal with you two,” he hissed.

  “Authority, maybe,” I yawned. “But I frankly doubt you have the power to stand against us.”

  As I mentioned, I did not feel as confident as I sounded. The officer’s honor guard had mimicked his action, so that now all three of our adversaries were standing ready to draw their swords.

  “Very well,” Claude snarled. “You’ve been warned. Now, we’re going to bring our wagons across this spot, and if you’re on it when we get here you’ve no one to blame but yourselves.”

  “Accepted!” Aahz leered. “Shall we say noon tomorrow?”

  “Tomorrow?” the officer scowled. “What’s wrong with right now?”

  “Come, come, Claude,” Aahz admonished. “We’re talking about the first engagement of a new campaign. Surely you want some time to plan your tactics.”

  “Tactics?” Claude echoed thoughtfully.

  “ ... and to pass the word to your superiors that you’re leading the opening gambit,” Aahz continued casually.

  “Hmm,” the officer murmured.

  “ ... and to summon reinforcements,” I supplied. “Unless, of course, you want to keep all the glory for yourself.”

  “Glory!”

  That did it. Claude pounced on the word like a Deveel on a gold piece. Aahz had been right in assuming supply officers don’t see combat often.

  “I ... uh ... I don’t believe we’ll require reinforcements,” he murmured cagily.

  “Are you sure?” Aahz sneered. “The odds are only about a hundred to one in your favor.”

  “But he is a magician,” Claude smiled. “A good officer can’t be too careful. Still, it would be pointless to involve too many officers ... er ... I mean, soldiers in a minor skirmish.”

  “Claude,” Aahz said with grudging admiration. “I can see yours is a military mind without equal. Win or lose, I look forward to having you as an opponent.”

  “And I you, sir,” the officer returned with equal formality. “Shall we say noon then?”

  “We’ll be here,” Aahz nodded.

  With that, the officer turned and strode briskly back to his encampment, his bodyguard trudging dutifully beside him.

  Our comrades were bristling with questions when we reentered the tree line.

  “Is it set, boss?” Brockhurst asked.

  “Any trouble?” Tanda pressed.

  “Piece of cake,” Aahz bragged. “Right, kid?”

  “Well,” I began modestly. “I was a little worried when they started to reach for their swords. I would have been terrified if I didn’t know Ajax was ... say, where is Ajax?”

  “He’s up in that clump of bushes,” Gus informed me, jerking a massive thumb at a thicket of greenery on the edge of the tree line. “He should be back by now.”

  When we found Ajax, he was fast asleep curled around his bow. We had to shake him several times to wake him.

  A LONG, SLIMY tongue assaulted me from the darkness, accompanied by a blast of bad breath which could have only one source.

  “Gleep!”

  I started to automatically cuff the dragon away, and then had a sudden change of heart.

  “Hi, fella,” I smiled, scratching his ear. “Lonely?”

  In response, my pet flopped on his side with a thud that shook the ground. His serpentine neck was long enough that he managed to perform this maneuver without moving his head from my grasp.

  His loyal affection brought a smile to my face for the first time since taking up my lonely vigil. It was a welcome antidote to my nervous insomnia.

  I was leaning against a tree watching the pinpoints of light which marked the enemy’s encampment. Even though the day’s events had left me exhausted, I found myself unable to sleep, my mind awash with fear and anticipation of tomorrow’s clash. Not wishing to draw attention to my discomfort, I had crept to this place to be alone.

  As stealthy as I had attempted to be, however, apparently Gleep had noted my movement and come to keep me company.

  “Oh, Gleep,” I whispered. “What are we going to do?”

  For his answer, he snuggled closer against me and laid his head in my lap for additional patting. He seemed to have unshakable faith in my ability to handle any crisis as it arose. I wished with all my heart that I shared his confidence.

  “Skeeve?” came a soft voice from my right.

  I turned my head and found Tanda standing close beside me. The disquieting thing about having an Assassin for a friend is that they move so silently.

  “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

  “Sure, Tanda,” I said, patting the ground next to me. “Have a seat.”

  Instead of sitting at the indicated spot, she sank to the ground where she stood and curled her legs up under her.

  “It’s about Ajax,” she began hesitantly. “I hate to bother you, but I’m worried about him.”

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Well, the team’s been riding him about falling asleep today when he was supposed to be covering you,” she explained. “He’s taking it pretty hard.”

  “I wasn’t too wild about it myself,” I commented bitterly. “It’s a bad feeling to realize that we really were alone out there. If anything had gone wrong, we would have been cut to shreds while placidly waiting for our expert bowman to intercede!”

  “I know,” Tanda’s voice was almost too soft to be heard. “And I don’t blame you for feeling like that. In a way, I blame myself.”

  “Yourself?” I blinked. “Why?”

  “I vouched for him, Skeeve,” she whispered. “Don’t you remember?”

  “Well, sure,” I admitted. “But you couldn’t have known ...”

  “But I should have,” she interrupted bitterly. “I should have realized how old he is now. He shouldn’t be here, Skeeve. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about doing something.”

  “Me?” I asked, genuinely startled. “What do you want me to do?”

  “Send him back;’ Tanda urged. “It isn’t fair to you to endanger your mission because of him, and it isn’t fair to Ajax to put him in a spot like this.”

  “That isn’t what I meant,” I murmured, shaking my head. “I meant, why are you talking to me? Aahz is the one you have to convince.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, Skeeve,” she corrected. “Aahz isn’t leading this group; you are.”

  “Because of what he said back on Deva?” I smiled. “C’mon, Tanda. You know Aahz. He was just a little miffed. You notice he’s called all the shots so far.”

  The moonlight glistened in Tanda’s hair as she shook her head.

  “I do know Aahz, Skeeve. Better than you do,” she said. “He’s a stickler for that chain-of-command. If he says you’re the leader, you’re the leader.”

  “But ...”

  “… besides,” she continued over my protest. “Aahz is only one member of the team. What’s important is that all the others are counting on you, too. On you, not on Aahz. You hired ‘em, and as far as they’re concerned, you’re the boss.”

  The frightening thing was, she was right. I hadn’t really stopped to think about it, but everything she had said w
as true. I had just been too busy with my own worries to reflect on it. Now that I realized the full extent of my responsibilities, a new wave of doubts assaulted me. I wasn’t even that sure of myself as a magician, as a leader of men ... let alone ...

  “I’ll have to think about it,” I stalled.

  “You don’t have much time,” she pointed out. “You’ve got a war scheduled to start tomorrow.”

  There was a crackling in the brush to our left, interrupting our conversation.

  “Boss?” came Brockhurst’s soft hail. ‘‘Are you busy?”

  “Sort of,” I called back.

  “Well, this will only take a minute.”

  Before I could reply, two shadows detached themselves from the brush and drew closer. One was Brockhurst, the other was Gus. I should have known from the noise the gargoyle was accompanying Brockhurst. Like Tanda, the Imp could move like a ghost.

  “We were just talking about Ajax,” Brockhurst informed me, squatting down to join our conference.

  The gargoyle followed suit.

  “Yeah,” Gus confirmed. “The three of us wanted to make a suggestion to you.”

  “Right,” Brockhurst nodded. “Gus and me and the Gremlin.”

  “The Gremlin?” I asked.

  The Imp craned his neck to peer around him.

  “He must have stayed back at camp,” he shrugged.

  “About Ajax,” Tanda prompted.

  “We think you should pull him from the team,” Gus announced. “Send him back to Deva and out of the line of fire.”

  “It’s not for us,” Brockhurst hastened to clarify. “It’s for him. He’s a nice old guy, and we’d hate to see anything happen to him.”

  “He is pretty old,” I murmured.

  “Old!” Gus exclaimed. “Boss, the Gremlin says he’s tailed him for over two hundred years ... two hundred! According to him, Ajax was old when their paths first crossed. It won’t kill him to miss this one war, but it might kill him to fight in it.”

  “Why is the Gremlin tailing him, anyway?” I asked.

  “I’ve told you before, kid,” a voice boomed in my ear. “Gremlins don’t exist.”